2009-7
3

Independence Day, or age 18 in America

Category: parenting, young adult | No Comments

Happy Fourth of July or Independence Day for America! Similar to the rebellion that lead to America gaining independence from England, teens are struggling to gain independence from their parents. Some rebellions are quiet, but freedom is not always obtained easily, ask England how easily they gave up America.

 

 To even begin to appreciate the position you are placed in as parents, you have to understand what is required to become a parent.  You give up all your freedom to take care of someone who is completely dependent on you.  Someone who cannot talk, walk or tell you what is wrong with them.  What is required of parents at this stage is nothing short of angelic.

 

You just start to hit a groove and you leap over milestones like potty training and riding their bike to the park alone, but they love the comfort of your touch, assurance and proximity and then one day you wake up and they are irritated by your presence alone.  They fight you and give no merit to any wisdom you want to share.  The coach, my friend or the internet said, “But Mom, you don’t understand!”

 

 In some ways, teens are right. Parents don’t get it and honestly how could they completely.  It’s like reading a book about a topic that you are unfamiliar with and having a common thread allow you to empathize with the main character.

 

Your teen is the main character that needs your empathy.

 

 

If you view every quirky thing they do within the context of “they need to become independent. They need to be able to do it on their own so they can be an adult and self-sufficient.” You are going to take more things in stride; MORE things, not everything.  Hopefully fewer things will get to you as your teen journeys through their teen years to get to the destination of adulthood.

 

SO, let them wear the purple skinny leg paints with the purple shirt, the blue hair with the bright pink tips.  Let them start picking an outfit and a hairdresser and then later they will have the basis to scrutinize a mortgage or a good friend.  Let them make a decision.  Give then their independence.

2009-7
2

The Best way to Start Being a Good Parent of a Teen

Category: parenting | No Comments

Parenting your teen really begins with parenting yourself.  There is so much you bring to the table from your own upbringing and this means more than sayings like “You just wait until your father gets home!” No, it’s about the feelings that your parents created in you with their parenting. Did they make you feel loved? Supported? Did they mock you? Or, were they simply never there through divorce, separation like jail or adoption?

 

Whatever the particulars of your situation you can never underestimate the role they play in your feelings about how you parent as well as the feelings your teen brings up in you when you are interacting with them. Sometimes when you are yelling at your teen, you are actually yelling at your parent. I realize this may sound weird, but people in general bring up feelings in us why shouldn’t our teen?

 

If your father was a strong silent type and didn’t believe he was supposed to interact with you (those were things mothers did). You may get very angry when your teen seems to be ignoring you. This can make you so sensitive you overact with your teen who can start to think you are absolutely crazy. “My Mom is always out of control. Anything I do just makes her crazy.” Without understanding this, your teen begins to think, “What is it about me that makes her so crazy?” This can make them question their ability to judge social situations, affect their self-esteem and of course their relationship with you.

 

The ripple effect is that they begin to think this is a normal way to interact with women and so when his girlfriend blows up at him, he thinks this is normal behavior too and he may end up marrying this same type of woman. Do you want this for your teen? Do you want your teen walking on eggshells in their own home because they are unsure of what may trigger anger in their mate?

 

People often talk about preparing their teen for their future spouse through teaching them to do a load of laundry or picking up after themselves, but we rarely mention the emotional interaction we have with our teens that helps them have a normal if not better relationship with their future mate.

 

Yep! Great teen parenting begins with parents giving themselves the emotional or material things that they may have missed as a teen. When you give your teen the thing you are missing from your upbringing, your teen ends up confused trying to make sense of the whole thing. With no reason to doubt you, they doubt themselves.

 

A great way to understand more about your upbringing is through therapy. If you need information about local counselors word of mouth is always a great way to start, but if you are self-conscious about asking around and don’t want to ask someone to ask for you, you can go to Psychology Today which has a list of psychologists in your area.

2009-7
1

Praising your Teen

Category: parenting, self-esteem | No Comments

The Oprah welcome. You know, when you see the show start and she has just walked on stage and the crowd simply goes crazy. You would think it was a Prince concert instead of the Oprah Show.  Oprah will say, “Everyone should feel like this when they go to work.” That is how our teens should feel when they do something great especially something as spectacular as changing a G.P.A. of a 1.0 to a 4.0 in one year! Instead, this teen looked my way, shrugged her shoulders and barely uttered an, “eh.” Wow! What else did she want to do that could possibly impress herself more? Cure H.I.V?
 
This is not the first time this has happened. Other teens have been unimpressed with greater or lesser achievements. This is not okay. You are either severely depressed, numb or you have the wrong idea of what it is to be arrogant. When you talk to this teen more, you learn that she does not say much.  She mutters, “Why get excited. It could drop again.” When you ask her to make a choice as to her preference, she has no opinion really. She is happy to take what you give her.

Now, the world revolves with all kinds of people: confident, shy, conservative and arrogant, but there is concern for inappropriate emotion to a fantastic achievement. This response was going to be passed on to her toddler who would be looking up to her with a smile after very first steps and be met with a nonchalant, “good.”

Don’t overdo the praise and by all means do not be insincere about it, but praise for great achievements cause a smile in your teen that is hard for them to hide. They crave it.  It’s like water, they need it to grow.  Despite the proclamations of independence and the “I hate yous!” there is a teen who wants to make their parents proud. They want you to brag about them and every teen deserves to overhear their parent brag about them. It lets teens know they are on the right track to becoming an adult. They made their own decisions and they were able to make you proud. What a confidence builder!

All Oprah has to do is walk on stage. Surely a teen that brings a G.P.A. up from the bowels of a 1.0 to a 4.0 deserves something short of the standing ovation that greets Oprah.

2009-6
30

3 Ways to Keep your Teen Talking to You

Category: Communication, parenting | No Comments

Has your teen ever been upset and when they told you what it was about you almost blurt out, “Oh that.  Is that all?  That’s nothin’.  I thought you were pregnant or something.” Thank goodness they had nothing very serious going on, but now you have completly invalidated your teen’s feelings with what is basically relief on your part.  This invalidation or relief can leave your teen feeling unsupported.

 

When you have a lot on your plate: work, bills, parenting and you name whatever else just went wrong; it is hard to be empathetic to your teen’s concerns about not being invited to a party or having had a friend disappoint them.  However, these moments are opportunities for your teen to see how well you listen and support them.  They want to know if they can really come to you with their problems.  Taking a deep breath to slow down and allowing them to tell their story without interruptions or teasing can go a long way to making an investment that will allow you to be the one they come to when thye need someone for something serious even by your standards.

 

Because teens can be very sensitive about being understood, they need proof through your behavior that you mean what you say about wanting to know what is going on rather than just taking your word for it. If they can look back over time and realize that you are someone they feel comfortable speaking with and they felt better after the talk (even if you do not solve their dilemma), they are going to keep coming to you.

 

Parents sometimes think their teen should be comfortable telling them things simply because they are the parent and unfortunately this is only good for the first discussions. To keep your teen coming to you takes work on your part:

 

1. Listen. Be a good listener. It helps wehen you don’t seem distracted so no peeking at blackberries and turn the television or computer off.

 

2. Inquire. Ask good questions not only will this keep them talking, but it will show your interest in what they are saying.

 

3. Empathy. Keep your judgments to yourself. Remember they have an opinion about you too they just don’t share it out of politeness and respect. It won’t help them relax around you if you cut them off to share your opinion on the matter. No one wants to speak to someone who is so opinionated there is no room for someone else to talk.

 

These simple rules can help you lay the ground work of your teen coming to you with simple concerns so that you can be the one they come to when they have really big concerns. Have you ever had a moment like this that you wish you had handled differently? Let me know.

2009-6
29

Gay Teen Pride!

Category: parenting, sexual orientation | No Comments

Show your colors! Gay pride parades have been an annual celebration of pride since 1969 when the first gay pride parade was organized to protest Stonewall in New York City. Since then parades are organized all over the world to celebrate diversity and pride in gay life. Yesterday was the 2009 Gay Pride Parade in San Francisco, CA and brought Gay and Gay supporters together to celebrate.

 

This is an important event certainly for the adults who participate, but possibly more important for teens who have the opportunity to participate and/or watch the parade. It is a great opportunity to see others who are Gay and be in an environment that is supportive. For teens struggling with their sexual identity, this is an opportunity to watch, ask questions and get answers.

 

Most Gay adults if asked when they knew they were gay will answer, “I knew I was different when I was in first grade if not before.” Years ago a study revealed that this is exactly when gay teens are most likely to have a sense that they are different. They have years to think about this fact while they watch parents and extended family react to events like Gay Pride Parades and political debates like California’s Proposition 8 or Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. I wrote a blog entry about this earlier.

 

They watch you view Lt. Dan Choi on MSNBC discuss how he was fired not becaused he failed to do his job, but because he is Gay. These messages are confusing to anyone who knows the U.S. pledge of allegiance…”Liberty and justice for all,” but especially for a teen who understands that being Gay is not accepted in my home and I need to stay here for the next few years to finish High School. Can you imagine lying to those who love you the most so that you can be provided for? Can you imagine what this must do to their sense of feeling okay or normal?

 

Gay Pride Parades are an opportunity to help parents and teens talk about gay issues and unknowingly tell your teen that they are okay. Show them through your actions that if they were to come out to you that you would love them no matter what even though understandably it may take you time to get used to the idea. After all, they have had years to get used to the concept. Let them know they can be who they are and who they are is okay. What more is any teen looking for from their loved ones?

 

Have you had to deal with a situation like this one in your family. If you have a story like this one please let me know, I would love to hear it.

2009-6
26

5 Tips to help your Teen Figure Out who they are

Category: parenting, self-esteem, young adult | No Comments

Michael Jackson’s death stunned the world. Keith Richards, Mick Jagger and Quincy Jones have outlived Michael Jackson.  People who some might say have lived a much harder adult life.  All the money in the world and he lived to be a measly fifty years old.  You should start living at this age.   It certainly says a lot about what money can and can’t buy.  It says a lot about how being true to yourself is important to live a good life and being happy whether you become successful or not.

 

As a teen, Michael Jackson gained independence from his parents by collaborating with Quincy Jones to do what would begin the best work of his life “Off the Wall” and the record breaking “Thriller.”  These albums (they were still called albums back then), were significant for several reasons but especially because they allowed him to do something that all teens need to do, separate and gain independence from his parents. 

 

There are many hypotheses as to the type of Dad, Mr. Jackson was –verbally abusive or controlling are the rumors, and we will never know since we did not grow up in that home, but whether true or not the struggle for independence that was seen through those albums gave Michael Jackson his freedom even if it was at a price. 

 

Michael Jackson had not had the opportunity to experience the events that precede the final pull for freedom (opportunities to experiment with various friends and connect with others his age without the celebrity) and so in some ways his mind stayed a teen struggling to discover himself.  He seemed to be searching for who he was in all of those songs, clothes, skin colors, child-like friends and amusement parks. He seemed to be reinventing himself as if to try on different versions of himself in order to figure out who he was, leaving us to ponder if all the complaints of not being understood really had to do with him not understanding himself. 

 

For parents who are fortunate enough to still have their teens at home be patient with your teen who is experimenting and trying on different ideas of themselves. Through all of the dyed hair, clothes trends, change of friends and haircuts lays an adult in waiting.  There is nothing more interesting than watching the process and discovering what will emerge.  With support they will figure it out, but the ones who struggle may dabble with alcohol, drugs, body image distortion, eating disorders and depression.  Only with a lot of hard work will these teens eventually develop a love and appreciation for how special they are; an idea of them being good enough just as they are. Perhaps Michael Jackson may finally find peace with his struggle of who he was.  I’m not sure he ever figured out what a special person he was and the gift he was fortunate to give to the world.

 

Here are 5 ways you can help your teen on the road to figuring out who they are:

 

1. Teen Style. Any physical change that is not harmful, let it pass.  You may want your teen to dress like what YOU think is appropriate, but part of being a teen is fitting in with their peers. So if there are no safety issues (gang colors or dress), there is no potential for sexual misunderstanding (too short shorts or skirts or tops or jeans that are too low).  Let it go.

 

3. Hair. Hair will grow back so arguments over hair cuts or color is absolutely not worth it. The response from their peers will often let things resolve by themselves.

 

4. Music. You aren’t supposed like teen’s music. It’s great if you do, but it is their music. The key here is to save any discussion for safety or socialization issues (mistreatment or abusive language of women, gays or ethnic groups are not to be tolerated).

                                                                                                              

5. Feedback. If you have nothing nice to say then say nothing at all. Criticism is only going to let them know that they can push your button with this behavior.  They will keep it up long after it is no longer fun to keep pushing your button.  On the other hand, if you like something say so although this may be all that is needed for them to stop the behavior.

2009-6
25

Family Service and Teen Development

Category: parenting, self-esteem, young adult | 2 Comments

Yesterday the 2009 Conference for Volunteer and Service ended.  They discussed the power of volunteerism for our communities and of course the energized feeling that each person gets from volunteering.  Volunteering is essentially the key to America’s future success.  I am going to propose that it can do even more especially when a family volunteers together. 

 

As teens learn to separate from parents gaining their own independence and learning to stand on their own feet, they waiver on their connection to their family.  A family completing a task together, working together and accomplishing a goal together allows teens to see their family in a different light.  We offer teens the opportunity to see their role in the family differently.  Teens can see their value from another perspective as if believing all of your encouraging words about their potential and your family’s potential.  It gives them an opportunity to see the absolute best in their family and have a new sense of pride.

 

This summer has been labeled the “Summer of Volunteerism.” As people try and conserve their financial resources, why not integrate volunteerism into a family activity.  After all, vacation is a time to relax and hang out together.  Why not hang out together accomplishing the goal of helping others out together.

 

The gift of realizing you have something to offer is priceless.  It gives hope. Our teens have something to offer, their youth hardly limits the possibilities of what they can contribute.  Teens need to know that.  We need them to speak up and have their voice heard.  We need to hear their voice because it’s gonna change the world.

2009-6
24

4 Tips to Teen Parenting in Bad Times

Category: Communication, parenting | No Comments

When the teacher walks up to you and tells you great things about your teen, the pride on your face is hard to hide.  When your teen does something less respectable the frustration of the moment can sometimes make it seem like they’re always doing something wrong.  Some parents view this as such a reflection of them that they ask, “How could you do this to me?”

 

Well, the truth is that they are not doing it to you.  They do things to themselves, but they are in a constant state of change and must learn from those moments and so should you.  When I talk to parents about changing their teen’s behavior, I can get comments like, “you don’t know her like I do” or “Well let’s see how long that lasts.”  Comments like these especially in front of your teen only serve to lower expectations and destroy any sense of hope that your teen has to make their relationship with you better.

 

As difficult as it is when you have been disappointed by your teen’s behavior, you must take a deep breath and turn a new page.  Without the hope of earning your trust, your teen may give up hope that your relationship will be better. This can be the spark that perpetuates a cycle of bad behavior since what do they have to lose?  So, when something goes wrong, try:

 

1. Tone.  Speak in a nonjudgmental tone rather than someone who knows your teen did it.  Teens are smart enough to hear this in your voice and will react to it by “acting” like they don’t care about how serious the misdeed is just to shake off how sad they are.

 

2. Listen.  Listen to your teen’s side of the story or at least their interpretation of events.  It really helps make your teen feel like they are heard and you believe in their desire to do well.

 

3. Empathy.  Understanding for the position that your teen is in goes a long way. Teens have no power to make household decisions and they are struggling for independence from you, along the way they do stupid things that make sense at the time.  Remember, they are still maturing and do not always think about the consequences of their actions. They should not be punished for that lack of understanding, but taught how to think about it next time.

 

4. Forgive.  Once the entire ordeal has been explained and understood, the misdeed has to be placed in a vault and “forgotten.” Bringing this up every time you get into an argument with your teen is no way to change their behavior.  It makes them feel like it is hopeless and they will never earn your trust back.  This is a dangerous place to put your teen because they simply give up trying to please you.

2009-6
23

Failure an Opportunity for Teens

Category: self-esteem | 2 Comments

“What are your grades like?” She blurted out, “Bad.” And then she just started tearing up and the tears just kept rolling down her face.  She literally did not speak one more word throughout the remainder of our time together.  She just kept wiping away tears.  She’d failed geometry and it was eating her up.

 

A lot of teens have trouble with geometry, advanced placement history or insert the name of some other class here.  The difference between those patients and this young lady was that somehow she had defined herself by her one bad grade. Her other grades were As through Cs, but it was the failure that she let control her thoughts of herself.  It is hard to understand that you are more than a grade when you have to take summer school for a failed class and there are whispers of where are you going to college and what career will you choose?  She viewed herself by this standard of her one failed class and so as she’s developing her sense of self, she is saying to herself that she is a failure.  The fact that she failed makes her feel ashamed or less than. This is a problem.

 

We are not going to succeed at everything we do, remember Michael Jordan as a minor league baseball player?  Depending on your age, probably not, but Michael Jordan the basketball player with the memorable leap into the air with his palm cupping a basketball about to slam dunk is forever in your brain, that was what he was really good at, but it didn’t stop him from trying.  The key to success is trying and then learning from the things that we don’t do well so we can capitalize or concentrate on the skills that we naturally possess and perfect them.  This allows us to find the relationship between those things so we get on with the business of doing it.  This makes our failure more of an opportunity to learn about ourselves.

 

Teen life is a constant state of change.  They are learning about themselves and coming to terms with their strengths and weaknesses.  Their weaknesses teach them about themselves just as much as their strengths.  This is when our failures make for great opportunity to learn about ourselves not define who we are.  If we can teach teens how to keep this two tasks straight, they’re going to be fine.

2009-6
22

How Teens being Kind leads to Adult Happiness

Category: self-esteem, young adult | No Comments

Teens have a knack for being selfish.  They aren’t trying to be rude or intentionally unthoughtful, they’re just into themselves.  It’s all about them and this is developmentally appropriate.  Although appropriate, it’s still frustrating when they forget to call when they’re out late or don’t take out the garbage, but maybe they’ll remember next time.  I feel teen life is practice for being an adult and if we can teach that these tasks are more than just trying to annoy them, but practice for being an adult, we can get them to remember to complete these tasks.  It’s all about how you look at it, spin.  So, what does remembering to take out the garbage have to do with being an adult, how much more a happy adult?

We ask teens to be kind or do for others through even seemingly small acts like helping your aunt with childcare or sitting with your grandmother who is visiting.  These acts in and of themselves are nice even if they take time from their socializing and video games, but what we hope they get out of it is the feeling of having been appreciated which begins the cycle of sharing your talents with the world and teaches that it is better to give than it is to receive.  You can tell someone it will happen, but until you have been in the position to receive someone’s gratitude for work that you have done well, it seems like hocus pocus.  I think this is why Oprah is always giving people stuff.

When we ask a teen to figure out what they want to do with their lives, we are asking them to figure out the talent they want to share with the world that will return that sense of value, usefulness and pride in their work. You are not always paid a lot of money, but the reward of doing something you love frequently pays off in spades.  The money will come and this makes kindness, the root of happiness.

Instead of asking them to remember their “chore,” let them know how helpful they are and how much you appreciate it.  When they complete the task (don’t overdo it), but honestly let them know through your words and actions, “Hey thanks for doing that.  Now, I have time to do something fun with you or simply hang out stress-free and listen to you explain your day, or drive you to the mall.”  You have made them less of a “slave” and more of a team member who is useful and appreciated.  That feeling goes a long way to creating a desire to do things not just because they are told to, but because it allows them to be useful and contribute.  When teens do the work of figuring out the passion or talent they will share with the world through acts of kindness, they won’t view it as a “job” that pays the bills, but their contribution to the world.  And this act of kindness makes you a happy adult.