Conversation With Girls: Dating Violence
If someone walked up to your teen and asked them if they would like to be in a relationship where they were constantly hit and or made to feel stupid and worthless. I am sure your teen, any teen would say, “No.” If only it were so easy.
When abusers start relationships, they don’t have signs that identify themselves as someone with an anger problem. They don’t have a sign that says, “I hit when I am angry or frustrated.” What they do is charm the sox off their potential mate.
It is important to realize that your teen will not intentionally fall in love with someone who hurts them. It is important to recognize this so they can be better prepared. They can better prevent the cycle because once they are in the relationship it is phenomenally difficult to get out.
The Seduction
Abusers are charmers. They are the type of guy who can physically rescue a damsel in distress. They like this. It is great for their ego and it creates fodder for romance. When you have wanted a boyfriend who can commit and then all of a sudden one does, there is no red flag. There is only relief. The “cute” jealousy of asking who “Craig” is on the cell phone, asking who your teen was hanging out with or comments about seeing some guy looking at your teen sexually, these seem more romantic.
The manipulation
By the time a month or two has passed, your teen has a guy who is willing to say they love them. They want to be with your teen and they would die without your teen’s love. This is not a red flag. This is passionate. After all, your teen may be struggling for independence at home and here is someone looking at them as if they were an adult; not a kid. How liberating? How exciting! The intoxication of being wanted that much will make your teen automatically withdraw from family, friends and activities. If there is something very important maybe your teen will break away, but the time exclusively spent with this boyfriend seems right. Many teens do this. She will not think much about his request that she do this. She will not realize all her support and connections outside of her relationship with this boyfriend are gone until it is too late.
The Trap
All of a sudden, “I don’t want to be with any other girl. You’re my girl. I want you to have my baby.” Parents will notice this was not a request to get married, but a request to get your teen pregnant. If your teen has no close friend who can be objective, they may get pregnant in an effort to remain in this relationship where they feel loved, or at least think they do. By having no one else to run to, the boyfriend leaves himself the only viable option. At this point it is very difficult to have others influence the relationship. Even if your teen has doubts, they will not succumb to an “I told you so.” In an effort to save what could be their life. Pregnancy is the trap that will keep your teen there for years to come. Pregnancy is when an abuser will usually first hit your teen. Pregnancy is the time when the violence will really start. One in eight pregnant teens reports being physically assaulted by their partner. Homicide is the second leading cause of death in pregnant women.
The Promise
“I will never hit you again.” This is the promise that her boyfriend will make, but with no real attempt at rehabilitation this promise is empty. Your daughter does not know this. Unless she knew an abuser in her previous life, she does not know this and she will listen to the sincerity, admire the flowers and instill faith in the romanticized future that she wants her family to have. She is unaware that this empty promise unlike the one to be best friends forever or keep a big secret can kill her and possibly her unborn baby.
The conversation you need to have with your teen isn’t “Don’t enter a relationship with someone who hits.” The conversation is one that should include the characteristics of the abuser before he hits. Give her the signs to look for before she is isolated and before she falls in love with him. This way she has a chance.
Fifty to eighty percent of teens report knowing someone involved in a violent relationship. If your teen knows that teen or your teen is that teen, please get help.
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1.800.799.SAFE (7233).
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2 Responses Leave a comment
Who ever said parenting was an easy task?! I agree that “abusers are charmers”. In fact they are sweet talkers!
Helpful article…I do think the time to educate our girls is before they start to date…in addition to what you added, I think it is crucial that we grow confident girls who understand that sexism and contempt for females exist. Not with all males, of course, but that some really don’t like females and want to prove their masculinity or take out their anger on us. They don’t see us as equals. With this insight, they will be hip to how the world works (again, unfortunately).