A teen told her parents she was raped and her parents felt she was lying to protect her reputation.

Her parents thought just maybe she was lying because she didn’t want to tell them she was actually sexually active. They asked her if she was lying. It sounds like a simple question. Why not ask a teen who might have been known to lie in the past, but unfortunately what this does to someone who was already struggling with their role or even consent in their rape is add to the weight of the guilt they’re already feeling. By the way, the answer doesn’t matter.

Raped teens are struggling with questions like why them? Why did they trust this person because it is almost always someone they know and trust. Why can’t they forget it ever happened? The last thing they need is your doubt. It puts them in a position of having to defend themselves rather than feeling supported. What you want to do is support your teen with the hopes that one day possibly they will be strong enough to realize it really wasn’t their fault and it wasn’t that they shouldn’t have trusted this person as much as it was this person who shouldn’t have abused their trust.

Related posts:

1. 4 Reasons Your Teen Is Lying?
2. Why Are You Lying?
3. Are You A Snooping Parent?

For the most part spanking is not just old fashioned its painful. I suppose your thinking that is the intention, duh. But it isn’t just physically painful, its emotionally painful. Your toddler does something so you spank them. Your child does something so you spank them. Your teen does something, are you still going to spank them? How are you going to get the spanking to hurt enough? How about your teen who is about your height or taller and stronger, do you think your still going to make an impact with the spanking? Do you think they won’t repel so much from the strike they instinctively move to hit you back?

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10. Get out of my face. You disgust me!

9. Get out of my house! I don’t want to see you again.

8. No wonder you have no friends

7. You’re such a devil.

6. You’re so manipulative. Do you ever tell the truth?

5. You’re just like your father!

4. I’m taking you to the clinic to see if you’re a virgin you dress like such a whore

3. You’re worse than your sister who got pregnant at 16.

2. You make me sick.

1. I regret the day you were ever born

You are what you eat and if you get a constant diet of
hateful words well, one shouldn’t be surprised if you get an angry teen.

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One of the first steps to losing weight is your teen accepting themselves the way they are, large or small. They have to accept themselves the way they are and then recognize what is contributing to them being “out of control” when it comes to their eating. For some teens it’s about creating a barrier between themselves and others. If they have a history of abuse, the weight is a way to make themselves less attractive to people who might want to abuse them.  In other words, the weight becomes a protective mechanism. Asking these teens to lose weight is like asking them to be vulnerable to abuse they endured like molestation or rape.

Overweight teens have all sorts of reasons they’re not able to control their eating and lose the weight so taking the time to understand what the weight means to them can help them solve more than just heir weight issues.

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This is what discomfort looks like. This is what it looks like when a teen has fear of intimacy and no desire to appear vulnerable in front of others. This can happen for both boys and girls, but it’s the boys that we teach not to cry or be “soft.” They think soft is like being Gay. They don’t want to be Gay at all. This is especially true if they are. Their role models are not soft. Al Pacino in Scarface, their favorite action hero, possibly Dad…there is no touchy feely. The layers of guarding against any emotion create an inappropriate response to the description of brutality directed at a pregnant woman in an abusive relationship.

How do you feel? How do you feel? Ask them. Show them. It takes heart to be a human man or woman. It takes a big heart to be a real human man or woman. If you don’t show your male teen that, the disconnection to their emotions creates the man behind the newspaper at the breakfast table who only knows how to mumble his “Good Morning.”

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2. My Teen Wants To Get Pregnant!
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“Let’s get ready to leave for father’s day service! We’re late.” Her teen daughter’s voice is screeching from her room, “You’ve got to be kidding me! I’m not going to honor a man who is so cruel to us. Mom, what are you doing? Don’t you live here? Don’t you see? Why are you doing this? Well I’m not having any part of this charade. I’m staying here!”

What do you do? You are Mom and what do you do when faced with your daughter’s truth; A truth about which you have been in denial? She is goading you. She is asking that you do something no, she is begging that you do something. She is begging you to stick up for her; that you keep her safe. She is appalled that you are celebrating someone that makes your lives miserable every day.

As it turned out this Mom did not understand her daughter’s anger towards her. Her daughter always seemed to be so angry. This Mom did not know why. Why her daughter wasn’t more respectful. She could sense that her daughter thought she was weak. Her daughter swore she would not grow up to be anything like her mother. Her anger is understandable only when you can appreciate what the mother has done to her daughter. She has let her down. She should be keeping her daughter safe and instead it would seem as though she has conspired with her abusive husband to maintain the façade of a happy home rather than the truth of a safe home.

You can never underestimate the personal self-esteem challenges that it takes to have a woman marry and stay with an abusive husband, but when you are confronted with a daughter that has guts to say what she sees rather than keeping those feelings inside and bleeding or purging them out, it should give you a reason to pause. Her daughter’s anger is justified. Parents are supposed to keep their teens safe, not put them in harm’s way.

If you know of a teen that is enduring abuses, please do what you can to change their environment. It is the one way you can change the teen. Sometimes you can recognize it when they take their anger out on others while other times you will see them direct it inwards as depression, cutting or addiction disorders like drug abuse. If it is not safe, call the police, call protective services, offer a safe haven, or give safe resources in the community, pro bono lawyers, organizations that help battered women and their children. Whatever you do please do something. These teens are suffering and if they can’t depend on their parents in order to restore their faith in themselves, they should be able to depend on an adult in their community.

Resources:

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Helpguide.org

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If there were a way to have your body shut down when you’re in a relationship that’s all bad for you, we could all be better for it. But as it happens seventeen, possibly the age when Eminem met Kim, the most likely muse for this song, is about the time 1 in 3 teens say they know of someone who has been in a relationship where they have been hit, slapped, punched, or kicked.1 Of the teens in an abusive relationship eighty percent stay.1 They stay for years and when they finally get out if they are a recording artist they write a song called Love the Way You Lie.

You push pull each other’s hair/scratch, claw, bit ‘em/throw ‘em down/pin ‘em/so lost in the moments when you’re in ‘em/It’s the rage that took over/It controls you both…and it is very controlling. One might even say over powering.

The video has been called sexualized because after all Rihanna is standing there in only what Rihanna would be seen in -a pair of hot pants and Megan Fox, the girlfriend in the video, is terribly cute with pouty lips and long dark hair, but the fights are painful. They look real and when you are in a relationship like this you see the person as your sexual object not your abuser that is what Eminem is trying to tell you when he says, “I can only tell you what it feels like.” Ask the teen that was forced by her parents to file charges against her boyfriend for breaking her arm. She sits there welling up as she says, “I feel bad because now he has a record.” She didn’t feel that bad about her broken arm.

Cause when it’s going good/It’s going great/I’m Superman/With the wind at his back/She’s Lois Lane because unfortunately even when it hurts, hurts like the pain of when you touch fire, which should register to your brain that you never touch it again –the desire to be loved is so very strong. The hole in your teen that prevents them from feeling whole without this person or any person makes them go back, makes them stay. Makes them come to love the highs and lows and suffer the lows because the highs are absolutely intoxicating. If they did not have their father fill that hole, or their mother fill that hole and they instead took the drill and made the hole bigger, this type of love is absolutely intoxicating. No one understands looking in from the outside because it doesn’t make any sense to an outsider. No one can make them leave until they’re strong enough to understand that the pain is well, painful and furthermore unnecessary.

I laid hands on her/I never stoop so low again/I guess I don’t know my own strength, and teens don’t. Adults who still have these emotional needs never really got passed a lot of the emotional challenges of being a teen because lack of support stunts your development. Why people are in abusive relationships, why they stay and why they will see what they want in this video even if there were subtitles is so complicated that it could never be explained simply. What we can do is talk, talk, talk and challenge our sons and daughters to think more of themselves, think of how others treat them and consider always… consider that everything like everyone has a context, a history,  and nothing is as it seems on the surface. Otherwise, why after being so brutally beaten could Rhianna still say, “I love him.”

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2. Domestic Violence Victims
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Something changed. Soon after that update, something changed and Rihanna was not dating Chris brown. A lot of fan mail, a lot of calls from other celebrities, women’s organizations, family perhaps. Then, you didn’t hear from her at all until she released her latest CD, Rated R and released the following song, So Hard. 
If you hear this blare from your teen’s room, you might make the mistake of thinking; it’s just another Rihanna song. If you only watch the video you might just think there goes Rihanna being Rihanna. But if you read the lyrics you know that Rihanna has a message about what happened to her. A message she only touched on in her interview with Good Morning America’s Diane Sawyer. A message that echoes like Gloria Gaynor’s I Will Survive, it is less polite and more concrete as if Rihanna understood the psychological development of her teen audience and so sought to make the message very clear. See, one thing that Rihanna said contributed to her decision to separate from Chris was that she had the fans who were girls. She references them in the line “fan mail from 27 million.” More than anyone else, she knew they were watching. She understood that they might not be as lucky as she was in their abusive relationship. She knew they were dying in these relationships.

The lyrics are here for you to read and ponder. Hear the strength of her understanding that he was aiming for her status “I see you aiming at my pedestal.” Hear her tell him that she thinks too much of herself to be placed in this position, “I live where the sky ends up…Rihanna reign just won’t let up.” Hear her strength, “tougher than a lion.”  Hear her resolve, “Brilliant, resilient..”

So hats off to Rihanna for a fight song that will find as much street credibility on Martin Luther King Boulevard as it will on the streets of Manhattan.

So Hard by Rihanna off the Rated R CD

They can say whatever
I’ma do whatever
No pain is forever Yup!
You know this
Tougher than a lion
Ain’t no need in tryin
I live where the sky ends Yup!
You know this

Never lying
Truth teller
That Rihanna reign just won’t let up
All black on
Black top shades
Black top maybach
I’ma rock this sh*t
Like fashion
As in goin to this Gang stop
And my runway never looked so clear
But the hottest bit** in heels right here
No fear
And while you’re gettin your cry on
I’m gettin my fly on
Sincere
I see you aiming at my pedestal
I better let you know

Chorus

That I, I, I, I’m so hard
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, I’m so hard
That I, I, I, I’m so hard
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, I’m so hard
That I, I, I, I’m so hard
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, I’m so hard
So hard, So hard, So hard, So hard
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah (That rihanna range just wont let up)
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah (That rihanna range just wont let up)
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah (That rihanna range just wont let up)
So hard, So hard, So hard, So hard

All up on it
Know u wanna clone it
Aint like me (that chick to flaunt it)
Ride this beat beat beat (like a pony)
Meet me at the top (top) top
(Getting loaded)
Who think they test me now?
Run through this town I shut it down
Brilliant resilient fanmail from 27 million

And I want it all
Gonna take more than that
Hope that I know you got

I need it all
The money the fame the cars the clothes
I can’t just let you run up on me like that (all up on me like that) yeah

I see you aiming on my pedestal
So I think I gotta let u know

[Chorus]
[YOUNG JEEZY]

Where them girls talkin trash at? x2 Where they at? x3
Where them bloggers at? x2 Where they at? x3
Where your lighters at? x2 Where they at? x3

So hard, So hard, So hard, So hard

[Chorus]

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When abusers start relationships, they don’t have signs that identify themselves as someone with an anger problem. They don’t have a sign that says, “I hit when I am angry or frustrated.” What they do is charm the sox off their potential mate.

It is important to realize that your teen will not intentionally fall in love with someone who hurts them. It is important to recognize this so they can be better prepared. They can better prevent the cycle because once they are in the relationship it is phenomenally difficult to get out.

The Seduction

Abusers are charmers. They are the type of guy who can physically rescue a damsel in distress. They like this. It is great for their ego and it creates fodder for romance. When you have wanted a boyfriend who can commit and then all of a sudden one does, there is no red flag. There is only relief. The “cute” jealousy of asking who “Craig” is on the cell phone, asking who your teen was hanging out with or comments about seeing some guy looking at your teen sexually, these seem more romantic.

The manipulation

By the time a month or two has passed, your teen has a guy who is willing to say they love them. They want to be with your teen and they would die without your teen’s love. This is not a red flag. This is passionate. After all, your teen may be struggling for independence at home and here is someone looking at them as if they were an adult; not a kid. How liberating? How exciting! The intoxication of being wanted that much will make your teen automatically withdraw from family, friends and activities. If there is something very important maybe your teen will break away, but the time exclusively spent with this boyfriend seems right. Many teens do this. She will not think much about his request that she do this. She will not realize all her support and connections outside of her relationship with this boyfriend are gone until it is too late.

The Trap

All of a sudden, “I don’t want to be with any other girl. You’re my girl. I want you to have my baby.” Parents will notice this was not a request to get married, but a request to get your teen pregnant. If your teen has no close friend who can be objective, they may get pregnant in an effort to remain in this relationship where they feel loved, or at least think they do. By having no one else to run to, the boyfriend leaves himself the only viable option. At this point it is very difficult to have others influence the relationship. Even if your teen has doubts, they will not succumb to an “I told you so.” In an effort to save what could be their life. Pregnancy is the trap that will keep your teen there for years to come. Pregnancy is when an abuser will usually first hit your teen. Pregnancy is the time when the violence will really start. One in eight pregnant teens reports being physically assaulted by their partner. Homicide is the second leading cause of death in pregnant women.

The Promise

“I will never hit you again.” This is the promise that her boyfriend will make, but with no real attempt at rehabilitation this promise is empty. Your daughter does not know this. Unless she knew an abuser in her previous life, she does not know this and she will listen to the sincerity, admire the flowers and instill faith in the romanticized future that she wants her family to have. She is unaware that this empty promise unlike the one to be best friends forever or keep a big secret can kill her and possibly her unborn baby.

The conversation you need to have with your teen isn’t “Don’t enter a relationship with someone who hits.” The conversation is one that should include the characteristics of the abuser before he hits. Give her the signs to look for before she is isolated and before she falls in love with him. This way she has a chance.

Fifty to eighty percent of teens report knowing someone involved in a violent relationship. If your teen knows that teen or your teen is that teen, please get help.

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1.800.799.SAFE (7233).

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Although it makes perfect sense to expect this type of anxiety or nervousness after a big event like the earthquake in Haiti, the recent violence in Yemen or the building collapse in Florida, PTSD also occurs after emotional devastation like being the victim of rape, leaving an abusive relationship or being the victim of a crime. Any event where the person is made to feel helpless, emotionally traumatized or frightened can cause the stress after the event.

This stress frequently occurs within three months of the event, but rarely can occur several years later. The pre-existing conditions that place certain teens more at risk include, but are not limited to depression or other mental health disorder, a history of neglect or abuse, the event is long-lasting, the teen has poor family or friend support, the trauma was especially severe.

With no healthy support unhealthy coping skills can ensue like eating disorders, alcohol and drug abuse, avoidant high-risk behavior like socializing with dangerous people or self-mutilation like cutting.

What can you do?

• Support. A good support system that is understanding and allows teens to heal at their own pace is the best way to support your teen. They should be permitted to talk or not talk as much as they want.
• Mental Health. A good mental health clinician can provide an objective support and is in a position to hear things that your teen may be too embarrassed to share with parents or family. It is also a great way to assess if medication is going to be required to assist in the healing process.
• Safety. It is important that your teen feel safe. Removing them from the dangerous situation or situations that remind them of the traumatic event is ideal for your teen’s well-being.  Safety also includes watching for high-risk or other behaviors that are signs of poor coping.

Post-traumatic stress disorder can be emotionally and physically debilitating for teens. Being aware of how severe it is can give you the tools to aggressively take action before it is too late.  The families, children and teens of Haiti need that kind of aggressive help, if you can help even a little the following link is a list of organizations helping Haiti. Your support is greatly appreciated.

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