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Rihanna’s Fighting Words

Kemi — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 11:30:21 +0000

If you have lived long enough, you have heard fight songs come and go. When the news broke of horrific pictures of what Chris Brown did to Rihanna’s face, the internet searches for the domestic violence picture almost halted the internet. Almost everyone had an opinion especially after it looked like she went back to him.

Something changed. Soon after that update, something changed and Rihanna was not dating Chris brown. A lot of fan mail, a lot of calls from other celebrities, women’s organizations, family perhaps. Then, you didn’t hear from her at all until she released her latest CD, Rated R and released the following song, So Hard.
If you hear this blare from your teen’s room, you might make the mistake of thinking; it’s just another Rihanna song. If you only watch the video you might just think there goes Rihanna being Rihanna. But if you read the lyrics you know that Rihanna has a message about what happened to her. A message she only touched on in her interview with Good Morning America’s Diane Sawyer. A message that echoes like Gloria Gaynor’s I Will Survive, it is less polite and more concrete as if Rihanna understood the psychological development of her teen audience and so sought to make the message very clear. See, one thing that Rihanna said contributed to her decision to separate from Chris was that she had the fans who were girls. She references them in the line “fan mail from 27 million.” More than anyone else, she knew they were watching. She understood that they might not be as lucky as she was in their abusive relationship. She knew they were dying in these relationships.

The lyrics are here for you to read and ponder. Hear the strength of her understanding that he was aiming for her status “I see you aiming at my pedestal.” Hear her tell him that she thinks too much of herself to be placed in this position, “I live where the sky ends up…Rihanna reign just won’t let up.” Hear her strength, “tougher than a lion.” Hear her resolve, “Brilliant, resilient..”

So hats off to Rihanna for a fight song that will find as much street credibility on Martin Luther King Boulevard as it will on the streets of Manhattan.

So Hard by Rihanna off the Rated R CD

They can say whatever
I’ma do whatever
No pain is forever Yup!
You know this
Tougher than a lion
Ain’t no need in tryin
I live where the sky ends Yup!
You know this

Never lying
Truth teller
That Rihanna reign just won’t let up
All black on
Black top shades
Black top maybach
I’ma rock this sh*t
Like fashion
As in goin to this Gang stop
And my runway never looked so clear
But the hottest bit** in heels right here
No fear
And while you’re gettin your cry on
I’m gettin my fly on
Sincere
I see you aiming at my pedestal
I better let you know

Chorus

That I, I, I, I’m so hard
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, I’m so hard
That I, I, I, I’m so hard
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, I’m so hard
That I, I, I, I’m so hard
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, I’m so hard
So hard, So hard, So hard, So hard
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah (That rihanna range just wont let up)
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah (That rihanna range just wont let up)
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah (That rihanna range just wont let up)
So hard, So hard, So hard, So hard

All up on it
Know u wanna clone it
Aint like me (that chick to flaunt it)
Ride this beat beat beat (like a pony)
Meet me at the top (top) top
(Getting loaded)
Who think they test me now?
Run through this town I shut it down
Brilliant resilient fanmail from 27 million

And I want it all
Gonna take more than that
Hope that I know you got

I need it all
The money the fame the cars the clothes
I can’t just let you run up on me like that (all up on me like that) yeah

I see you aiming on my pedestal
So I think I gotta let u know

[Chorus]
[YOUNG JEEZY]

Where them girls talkin trash at? x2 Where they at? x3
Where them bloggers at? x2 Where they at? x3
Where your lighters at? x2 Where they at? x3

So hard, So hard, So hard, So hard

[Chorus]

Conversation With Girls: Dating Violence

Kemi — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 11:30:53 +0000

If someone walked up to your teen and asked them if they would like to be in a relationship where they were constantly hit and or made to feel stupid and worthless. I am sure your teen, any teen would say, “No.” If only it were so easy.

When abusers start relationships, they don’t have signs that identify themselves as someone with an anger problem. They don’t have a sign that says, “I hit when I am angry or frustrated.” What they do is charm the sox off their potential mate.

It is important to realize that your teen will not intentionally fall in love with someone who hurts them. It is important to recognize this so they can be better prepared. They can better prevent the cycle because once they are in the relationship it is phenomenally difficult to get out.

The Seduction

Abusers are charmers. They are the type of guy who can physically rescue a damsel in distress. They like this. It is great for their ego and it creates fodder for romance. When you have wanted a boyfriend who can commit and then all of a sudden one does, there is no red flag. There is only relief. The “cute” jealousy of asking who “Craig” is on the cell phone, asking who your teen was hanging out with or comments about seeing some guy looking at your teen sexually, these seem more romantic.

The manipulation

By the time a month or two has passed, your teen has a guy who is willing to say they love them. They want to be with your teen and they would die without your teen’s love. This is not a red flag. This is passionate. After all, your teen may be struggling for independence at home and here is someone looking at them as if they were an adult; not a kid. How liberating? How exciting! The intoxication of being wanted that much will make your teen automatically withdraw from family, friends and activities. If there is something very important maybe your teen will break away, but the time exclusively spent with this boyfriend seems right. Many teens do this. She will not think much about his request that she do this. She will not realize all her support and connections outside of her relationship with this boyfriend are gone until it is too late.

The Trap

All of a sudden, “I don’t want to be with any other girl. You’re my girl. I want you to have my baby.” Parents will notice this was not a request to get married, but a request to get your teen pregnant. If your teen has no close friend who can be objective, they may get pregnant in an effort to remain in this relationship where they feel loved, or at least think they do. By having no one else to run to, the boyfriend leaves himself the only viable option. At this point it is very difficult to have others influence the relationship. Even if your teen has doubts, they will not succumb to an “I told you so.” In an effort to save what could be their life. Pregnancy is the trap that will keep your teen there for years to come. Pregnancy is when an abuser will usually first hit your teen. Pregnancy is the time when the violence will really start. One in eight pregnant teens reports being physically assaulted by their partner. Homicide is the second leading cause of death in pregnant women.

The Promise

“I will never hit you again.” This is the promise that her boyfriend will make, but with no real attempt at rehabilitation this promise is empty. Your daughter does not know this. Unless she knew an abuser in her previous life, she does not know this and she will listen to the sincerity, admire the flowers and instill faith in the romanticized future that she wants her family to have. She is unaware that this empty promise unlike the one to be best friends forever or keep a big secret can kill her and possibly her unborn baby.

The conversation you need to have with your teen isn’t “Don’t enter a relationship with someone who hits.” The conversation is one that should include the characteristics of the abuser before he hits. Give her the signs to look for before she is isolated and before she falls in love with him. This way she has a chance.

Fifty to eighty percent of teens report knowing someone involved in a violent relationship. If your teen knows that teen or your teen is that teen, please get help.

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1.800.799.SAFE (7233).

Post-traumatic Distress Disorder

Kemi — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 11:53:11 +0000

With the recent events in Haiti or any similarly traumatic event, it is normal to feel a sense of overwhelming anxiety and little to no control over your environment. This post event distress is commonly referred to as PTSD or post-traumatic distress disorder.

Although it makes perfect sense to expect this type of anxiety or nervousness after a big event like the earthquake in Haiti, the recent violence in Yemen or the building collapse in Florida, PTSD also occurs after emotional devastation like being the victim of rape, leaving an abusive relationship or being the victim of a crime. Any event where the person is made to feel helpless, emotionally traumatized or frightened can cause the stress after the event.

This stress frequently occurs within three months of the event, but rarely can occur several years later. The pre-existing conditions that place certain teens more at risk include, but are not limited to depression or other mental health disorder, a history of neglect or abuse, the event is long-lasting, the teen has poor family or friend support, the trauma was especially severe.

With no healthy support unhealthy coping skills can ensue like eating disorders, alcohol and drug abuse, avoidant high-risk behavior like socializing with dangerous people or self-mutilation like cutting.

What can you do?

Support. A good support system that is understanding and allows teens to heal at their own pace is the best way to support your teen. They should be permitted to talk or not talk as much as they want.
Mental Health. A good mental health clinician can provide an objective support and is in a position to hear things that your teen may be too embarrassed to share with parents or family. It is also a great way to assess if medication is going to be required to assist in the healing process.
Safety. It is important that your teen feel safe. Removing them from the dangerous situation or situations that remind them of the traumatic event is ideal for your teen’s well-being. Safety also includes watching for high-risk or other behaviors that are signs of poor coping.

Post-traumatic stress disorder can be emotionally and physically debilitating for teens. Being aware of how severe it is can give you the tools to aggressively take action before it is too late. The families, children and teens of Haiti need that kind of aggressive help, if you can help even a little the following link is a list of organizations helping Haiti. Your support is greatly appreciated.

Awareness of Teen Sexual Abuse

Kemi — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 12:00:30 +0000

This week Mackenzie Phillips was on Oprah discussing how her father abused her for over a decade and then she later developed a consensual sexual relationship with him. People wonder how this can be. Seventy percent of teens abused know their abuser. The previous lessons to children and then teens about how the abuser is someone they don’t know is false. It is time to change the way this lesson is taught.

Statistics

51% of sexual abuse reports made are from teens under the age of 18 years old. Teens between the ages of 16 and 19 are 3.5 times more likely than the general public to be sexually abused. One in four is a teen girl.

What about boys?

Unfortunately, boys are not excluded from this type of abuse. One in six boys are abused under the age of 18 years old. Their silence is sealed by the fear that the abuse means they are gay. Sometimes they are, but this abuse brings their sexuality into question much earlier than it normally would that can cause conflict within and that is lashed out.

Why someone they know?

It is in this way the abuser gains the trust of the victim. Abusers don’t walk up to your teen and look scary. They spend time seducing by talking to your teen about things they are interested in. They ask for a picture. They complement them on their hair or eyes. How well they do something. They buy them presents and are very nice people, almost charming. This is not someone you would run from.

Why don’t these teens run when they are touched?

The touching is never initially overt. It is subtle through interactions that are very appropriate, seemingly accidental touching hands while washing dishes, leaning over a student while helping with H.W., or brushing up against your teen “accidently” touching their breast and reacting appropriately with, “oops! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?” The abuser will gauge a teen’s reaction. If there is no startle then next time the abuser will take a bigger and bigger risk until something clearly inappropriate happens.

Why do these teens continue to let it happen?

Teens know something is wrong, but there is conflict in the teen’s brain who is abused and that is one, the touching feels good and although teens know it is inappropriate it is associated with this good feeling and someone being very nice to them. If a teen has low self-esteem, this can be a source of constant compliments and ego inflation. Two, often the abuser will threaten the abused that if they tell something bad will happen to someone they love like death or deportation or worse the abuser will say they will blame your teen for having caused the affair. To which a teen will wonder, “Who will believe me over my coach or stepfather?” “Maybe I did do something to cause this.” The guilt these teens have is already so intense that this is too easy for your teen to believe.

What about when it is a stranger?

It seems to make sense that a teen would never be seduced by someone they don’t know except when that person has attempted the seduction over the Internet in a social setting like chat rooms. Again, there is the technique of complements and empathizing when a teen discusses how their parents “don’t get them” or “never lets them do anything.”There is also the person who walks up to them after following them unknowingly for weeks and says,” your parents have been in an accident and asked that I come get you.”So, it isn’t that your teen doesn’t know better it is that the abuser knows even better.

How does your teen stay safe?

1. Instinct

There is an inner voice that is always present although not always listened to. That voice will tell them that something does not feel right about that touch, that voice, that request. The disconnect between this voice or feeling and someone they trust doing something so inappropriate to them causes them to pause and they succumb due to shock. It is important that they process these feelings before anything happens. Let your teen know:

“Anyone who touches you even if it is a parent, uncle, coach or stranger should prompt you to scream if you are alone, run away, yell, ‘stop touching me. I don’t like it!’ and tell someone you really trust. It might catch you off guard, they may threaten that they will hurt your family, but you still run. We love you too much to have you endure such torture to save our lives. It may even feel good even though you really don’t want it to happen, but you run and tell.”

2. Stay put or run

Your teen should know to never go anywhere with anyone that you have not cleared to come get them. If you have to send someone in an extreme emergency you will give them a code word that you have discussed in advance. If they don’t have the code don’t go with them. Call us if possible to confirm.

3. Talk a lot

The shame associated with being a victim of abuse is that you feel like a victim. Victims can be silent due to the shame and guilt they have about what happened. They are unable to comprehend that their voice will save others if only by letting other family members or students know which adult to stay away from and watch when they are around others. Unfortunately, the average days served for a sentence of sexual abuse is 128 days. Also important is to talking.

Teens under the age of 18 years old are the most at risk for sexual abuse. They should be protected through teaching them about the real people they should be looking out for and being armed with what to do when and if something happens.

Resources:

Statistics on teen sexual abuse

basic information

More info