TheTeenDoc.com » Divorce

What Can Parents Learn From Tiger?

teendoc — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 11:30:46 +0000

Preparing for a game is simple once you know what to do. That’s what your coach is for. Preparing for college is also moderately easy to do because others have gone before your teen and there are plenty of resources to let you know what you might expect, but try preparing for fame. Who does that? In the old days, Berry Gordy would prepare his talent with choreographers, manners coaches and stylists, but who does that in sports?

The recent Tiger Woods scandal was probably such a shocker because as Roger Tillis of Viewmysport.com states, “What is ironic is that Tiger Woods was one of the athletes that the press, society and peers all regarded so highly! Phrases like “mature beyond his age” and “determined, focused, mature and respectful” were all on the same line as Tiger. He was truly a fantastic example of how “to be” as an athlete or really, a person.” Tiger became a little more human that day. An ordinary human being who plays an exceptional game of golf.

The diagnosis of “Sex Addiction” is actually not in the DSM or book of mental health disorders, there are varying opinions on what it even is, but what is somewhat clear through the fog is that sex addiction is a bad coping mechanism to manage historic pain. These are coping mechanisms that develop from experiences while growing up at one of the most formative times of your life, the teens. This is when Tiger found out his father was cheating on his Mom. Not only did he know this, but he was aware that when his Dad was out of the home that he was most likely with a mistress. This is a lot for a teen who holds their dad in high regard. It is even more mind boggling to have that Dad then turn around and hold their teen to a higher moral code through a demanding work ethic and social decorum.

For some teens they will have eating disorders, drug addiction, and alcoholism to cope. For Tiger who cried over his Dad’s affairs in his teen years especially as he transitioned to Stanford, it was sex addiction. The teen years are tough enough and no teen should have to deal with a Dad being that open about disrespecting their Mom through adultery. It clearly did not make sense to Tiger and one might say he has spent the last several years trying to make sense of it while holding his Dad up like all teens as his “role model.”

Teens whether they are prodigies or “ordinary” need adult support to thrive. To truly thrive they need someone to help them make sense of things especially when they really don’t make sense. Your teen knows about Tiger Woods because he is famous, but your teen also knows someone in his class or maybe it is your teen that needs the extra support. Someone should have given Tiger that support through counseling and holding him accountable for bad coping mechanisms they must have seen before that text message. Someone should have cared enough to choreograph more than his public appearances, but his healing process too.

Don’t Forget Your Teen When You Re-marry

teendoc — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 11:30:27 +0000

When you have children, your relationship with your spouse frequently changes. There may be an initial infatuation, but this can slowly give way to the toil of parenting and childcare. This easily makes your child and later teen close to number one in your life. If you divorce and re-marry, this too will change.

Unlike the dynamics with your ex-spouse that changed to your teen’s advantage, when you re-marry the dynamics can change to your teen’s disadvantage. This is because of the high school like puppy love that can be associated with this new relationship. Your teen doesn’t really get to see this side of you and that alone may be alarming, but for any relationship to truly thrive, you must take the time to invest. It is easy to make this time when you are at this early stage of a relationship. Your teen will notice how that time means less time for them.

From your teen’s perspective, it looks like you chose someone off the street over them. Remember, you love your new spouse your teen is simply managing their life with the changes you’ve made to it. For those teens truly sensitive to the reduced time they now spend with you, there may be a feeling of rejection and hurt. This hurt can become anger and this anger may become apparent to you through a change in their behavior, grades, substance and drug use, running away or attitude. Although the first reaction by parents is to ask, “What’s going on,” there quickly becomes a silent agreement that the problem is the teen.

New relationships are fun, but they can be hard too. They are especially hard when they involve children. Teens have their own set of emotions surrounding the time before a divorce, during a divorce and the disappointment of seeing their parents with other people after the divorce. You cannot underestimate the impact of this on your teen or how this will change your teen. They need an anchor. If you think you can’t be there as much set up support systems before you begin the process so they have a liaison to help them communicate their needs to you.

For you this is the potential love of your life, but for your teen it is the person that took their parent away from their hopes of their family getting back together. It takes a lot of getting used to and your teen should be given the time to make that transition at their pace and with your love and support.

When you make the decision to have children and divorce you have to know you don’t get to be selfish and have a romance like you’re in high school. Yes, you deserve to be happy, but you can’t do this at the expense of your teen. They still deserve your time and attention without hearing your new spouse complain. It can feel like you’re choosing one over the other, but in the end your teen should win. Maybe not all of the time, but enough that they know they still have your love and attention. Remember you can always find another husband, but you only get one shot with your teen.

Will You Marry Me?

Is Your Teen Jealous Of Your Boyfriend?

teendoc — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 11:45:22 +0000

You got married and divorced young, but you were able to raise your child on your own. Now you have this amazing teen and you two have been through everything together. What a team! Now, your teen is a senior and just about on the launching pad, and all of a sudden your teen is a little moody.

As a single parent you have a great sense of responsibility to your teen. There is often a sense of guilt for having deprived their teen of the other parent even if it was for a good reason. For this reason, single-parents are frequently hesitant to date.

Once you decide to date, you may notice a mood change in your teen. You now have an irritable teen and possibly a depressed teen. Realize the time you spent together is ultimately not just special to you, but to your teen as well. Your teen has in some ways assumed responsibility for you too. You have become the other’s best friend.

For this reason, it makes sense that your teen might feel a little left out or jealous when you finally decide to date. They are happy for you and know that they want you to have a life, but now when they want to discuss something with you, you might be busy. It’s hard not to appear as though you have chosen your boyfriend over your teen and as a result you may feel as though you are being pulled in two different directions, but if your teen can rely on you they are less likely to feel replaced.

Take moments to check in with your teen on a regular basis. This is regularly scheduled time they can count on. You have been their long-time companion and sure they have friends, but you are your teen’s first choice. Check in and reassure your teen that you’re still there for them. This is the best way to transition your teen to your new dating life.

Is Your Teen’s Boyfriend Your Friend?