TheTeenDoc.com » Education

I can’t get a “B”

Kemi — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 11:00:53 +0000

“Well, I changed my class because that class was hard and I was going to get a ‘B.’ I can’t get a ‘B.’ Me? A ‘B’? I don’t think so. I have never gotten a ‘B’ in my life and I wasn’t about to start with some advanced placement physics class. “ Do you know this teen? Do you live with this teen? Life is going to be very hard when they finally earn that “B.” It’s a shame they missed the opportunity to learn the lesson in high school by switching classes.

If school comes easy enough to your teen then this topic never comes up or may come up later in university. However, for many teens whose grades are important to the next stage in life. This topic comes up a lot. These teens understand the importance of grades in terms of their future, but they forget to put it in context. Instead, the positive feedback they receive for their grades and the grades themselves become their identity. The grades become who they are. They are the A. So self-identifying as an “A” student will cause a major crash when they have to identify with another letter grade like “B” and heaven forbid, “F.”

Instead of realizing they are more than their grades, the feedback they receive has communicated that you are only good if you get the “A.” So they understandably become fearful at the thought of having to identify with anything other than that, thinking they might not be as loved, as liked, or as respected. It is this fear that makes them say, “I can only get As.” In other words, I don’t want the negative feedback from people. What will my parents think? What will my friends or teachers think?

So when you encourage your teen, you may want to encourage the behavior rather than the result. “I like that you’re persistent, tenacious or a hard worker. These skills are beneficial for a lifetime and allow them to look at a “B” and say, “I worked hard and did my best” rather than, “I’m not going to get positive feedback for a ‘B’.”

Graduation Advice in 7 Toddler Books

Kemi — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 11:00:27 +0000

Lessons don’t always need to be complicated or long in order to make a lifelong point. The following list of books is enjoyed by toddlers, but they could be on any teen’s book shelf as well. Instead of a card, why not get them one of these books as a card? Here are seven books to peruse the next time you are at a bookstore:

1.I Knew You Could! by Craig Dorfman

I knew you could picks up where the little engine that could ends. This books discusses how your teen must choose their own track in life and there is no doubt that track will be filled with stops. “You’ll go through tunnels, surrounded by dark, and you’ll wish for a light or even a spark.” The encouragements in lines like “the track you took in must also go out” remind your teen that in tough times there is going to be a way out. They need only believe that they can!

2. Yay, You! Moving out, Moving up, Moving on by Sandra Boynton
This is a great congratulatory book that wishes your graduate well by telling them they have so much to choose from in terms of what they might want to become, do and where they might want to be and this is a good thing. “Is your mind moved by science? Or does art move your soul? So you listen to rivers, or great rock-and-roll?” For any graduate who ponders all the options this book might help turn it into an adventure rather than a scary prospect, and adventures are fun!

3. The Dot by Peter H. Reynolds

The dotspeaks to that graduate who has great potential and so many options. So much they don’t make any move at all for fear of failure. The teacher encourages Vashti to “Just make a mark and see where it takes you.” Well that was all it took and Vashti discovers what he can do when he loses his fear and just goes for it. Your teen will also need to just make a decision and see where it takes them. It may help to remind them that we learn from all experiences not just the perfect ones.

4. Reach for the Stars by Serge Bloch

In reach for the stars Mr Bloch promises that there will be plenty of choices and ups and downs in life, but the goal of life is to live it. “There’s always time to start from scratch and turn the page on the past.” Because the hills are there to show your teen that they have what it takes to get through the valleys, it is important to always have some voice of encouragement or a reminder of that fact with them so they can “keep their eyes on the prize.”

5. Life Doesn’t Frighten Me poem by Maya Angelou

Life Doesn’t Frighten Me is a beautiful book of Maya Angelou’s poem set to the back drop of Jean-Michel Basquiat’s art. There are challenges in life that can seem overwhelming and it is your teen’s self talk that will get them though. When they know they’re made of the stuff that can overcome difficult challenges, they will have hope when times are difficult. This book can give them that type of powerful self-talk with lines like, “Shadows on the wall, noises down the hall, Life doesn’t frighten me at all.” When your teen has gotten through enough difficult times and either come out on top or been able to pick themselves up and dust themselves off and have at it! They will realize what they are made of that will make it harder to knock them down next time.

6. Forever Young by Bob Dylan

This book reads as any Bob Dylan song as poetry. It is a very nice portrayal of good vibes to your graduate. Dylan’s lyrics are beautifully illustrated by Paul Rodgers and capture the times as well as the sentiment of the song perfectly. Even if your graduate doesn’t know who Dylan is, which is a bit of a travesty on its own, Dylan’s words will be a good vibe they can carry with them forever more. Who knows you may turn them on to other Dylan poetry/lyrics that can help support them throughout their life.

7. Oh, The Places You’ll Go by Dr Seuss

As only Dr Seuss can this book has the most amazing rhymes to convey the key elements of life’s ups and downs, the bumps in the road and the challenges that make you stronger all the while encouraging that your teen will be a rock star in their chosen craft if only for a moment in some big or small way, “On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are. One of the last paragraphs exclaims, “And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ guaranteed). Kid, you’ll move mountains!” And of course they will, it just depends on how they define success.

Graduating to Your Teen’s Uniqueness

Kemi — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 11:00:10 +0000

Your teen’s graduation day. A day of absolute pride for both you and your teen. Sometimes there’s a big whew! that they are graduating and other times there is such a sense of accomplishment to having squeezed every opportunity out of their high school experience. There are accolades for grades, service, popularity what there is no appreciation for and yet what may be the most important thing your teen learns while they’re in high school is who they really are. That prize is priceless.

As Josh Shipp’s rap states to the right, don’t let anyone tell you who you really are. He goes on to say the thing that really matters is to be honest. What he does not add although it is probably implied is that your teen needs to get to a point where they are honest with themselves. Honest about their talents and their weaknesses, honest their dreams and their failures and even honesty about who they are morally, politically or even as a partner and be true or honest to whom that person is. When they are comfortable with this person, they realize that not everyone will like who they are, but what is more important is that they like who they have become in essence who they are now.

This is a great foundation upon which to build the begining of their adult life filled with important decisions about career, spouses and social environment. Without being honest with whom they are, they are at higher risk of making poor decisions and being someone they aren’t for a large portion of their life happy with until they get the courage to be their true self. However, if you see it. If you get the glimpse of your teen’s confidence, their strength in the type of person they have become, their ability to know, “Hey I’m a type A kinda chick and I need a type A kinda guy!” confidence then you know that your teen has done the true work of their teen years. They have developed a true sense of identity and awareness for who they really are.

Plan To Serve, Not Be Rich

Kemi — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 11:00:26 +0000

Graduation season is upon us and for graduating college, university and professional students the pressure is on to earn some money and start paying back some loans. One might think the best way to do that is by getting a job that pays a lot of money, but sometimes the best way to your goals is by finding a way to serve others.

In the commencement speech given by Oprah Winfrey to Stanford’s 2008 graduating class, Ms Winfrey makes exactly this point. The commitment to serve is better than the commitment to make a lot of cash. She has been the long time recipient of the rewards of such actions. It can sometimes seem like wealthy people become wealthy through wily wheeling and dealing, but in realty the truly successful take something they love and share it to the benefit of others. Whether that love is acting, researching, playing a sport or talking, the first task is the passion for the field, the second is to serve. It is what makes the challenges, the risks and the failures more endurable. Without this passion the failures appear to be failures rather than moments that can teach. Moments that can make your teen stronger, wiser and better able to complete the next tier of challenges.

This year’s graduating class is being put out into a world with seeming despair, but in reality more hope than ever before. It is in the ebb of the economy, the wealthy, the dreams of society that a big dreamer can find some way to make their mark as did the millionaires of the great depression (e.g. Rockefeller, ford and Vanderbilt). The goal is to serve, to help, to ask how you might be used to make this world better than it was before your teen’s arrival that they can find the type of inspiration that creates amazing inventions like the car, the internet and yes the blackberry.

So at your next graduation affair ask the teen before you what they plan to do to serve rather than what they plan to do to make some cash and really give them a jolt in the right direction.

Advice to Graduates, “Wear Sunscreen”

Kemi — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 11:00:25 +0000

Every now and again there is a format of advice that although seemingly in lecture format speaks volumes. “Free to wear sunscreen” is that kind of advice.

It is a perfect mix of what life becomes on the way to “success” no matter what that ends up becoming for your teen. When you’re thinking up creative ways to say good-bye to your teen like a scrapbook of their high school years, a quilt of all their game t-shirts or some new supplies for their college dorm, whatever you think up you might want to include this song on their mp3 player before they leave home.

The essay originally written by Mary Schmich and others and called “Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young” in 1997 and published in the Chicago Tribune has transcended time in its content, inspiration and hope. The original essay was remixed by Baz Luhrmann and others using a 1991 song called Everybody’s free (to feel good) by a Zambian artist named Rozalla and it’s the version embedded to the right that you should view if you can with your teen or leave for your teen.
There are pearls, advice that you have figured out by now your teen will not, almost cannot hear from you. It has been encapsulated in this essay, this song. So have them get a listen or a view, but of all the things humans do to complicate life especially for teens by telling them they must be rich, they must marry, they must have children, they must, they must, this song says, whether you do or don’t you may still be happy. In that under current lies hope that no matter what happens, they’ll be alright.

Isn’t this the thing you want them to know as they leave you now that no matter what happens, they will be alright because more than likely, they will. The essay follows below.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable
than my own meandering
experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not
understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and
recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before
you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you
imagine. Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing everyday that scares you.

Sing Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with
people who are reckless with yours. Floss. Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes
you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with
yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you
succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements. Stretch Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your
life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don’t. Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone. Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe
you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky
chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t
congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your
choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people
think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever
own.. Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them. Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for
good. Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the
people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you
should hold on.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you
knew when you were young. Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live
in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will
philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize
that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were
noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one
might run out. Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you’re 40, it will
look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who
supply it.

Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of
fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the
ugly parts and recycling it for more than
it’s worth. But trust me on the sunscreen…

Dream with your Eyes Open

Kemi — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 11:00:26 +0000

The blog Connie on FbRecruiting recently had a post What No One Tells You About Football Recruiting. There in what she calls, a soapbox moment she describes the challenges of being recruited to a major university football team with the hopes of one day playing for an NFL team. Her advice, “Dream with your eyes open.” If you have a teen at home depending on where they are in their development, you might hear aspirations that include the presidency to the next Kobe. No matter what the dream the advice is universal, dream with your eyes open.

Before you think anyone is considering aspirations of teens are all poppycock, she had another bit of advice, a very important bit and that was to commit. An early (ages 10-14 years) or even mid (ages 15-17 years) teen has BIG Dreams when they have them. They’re going to be the next Tupac Shakur (rap artist), Barack Obama, or George Washington Carver. Their brain knows no limits. They can take the risk, they will be the one to make it, they can’t fail. This is why you have such a tough time trying to get them to think about being safe. Nothing is going to happen to them! Why should they be such a worry wart like you? The real question is why shouldn’t they be like this? This risky thinking was what made people like Albert Einstein (great scientist), Steve Jobs (owner of Apple), and Richard Branson (owner of Virgin). They thought the impossible at least, it was the impossible to everyone else.

Well that’s all fine and well, but meanwhile you have a teen at home who is thinking Big Dreams and you’re starting to worry. How realistic is a dream shared by many, but granted to so few? How do I ask my teen to be realistic without saying that I don’t believe in them? What if they do have a shot? Remember that second word Connie used? Commit.

This is the difference between the few and the many. The few more often than not, commit. They live, breathe and eat their passion. They don’t just tell you they want to be a great basketball player, they act as if! They act as if they’re playing this Friday’s game and they practice, practice, practice. They are distracted by the vices and the “good time” since they know they have work to do. They call people that don’t expect a call from a hungry teen. They think outside the box. They consider other angles including humbling angles. Maybe I won’t be the next Tom Cruise, but I will be a great stage actor and love my craft and if I have to teach college drama in between gigs then so be it. This is the passion and determination to happiness that makes others around them believe. It is the way your teen dreams with their eyes open. They certainly can’t do this failing classes because they’re going to play professional baseball one day and who needs calculus? Hmmm…don’t you need to go to University to get recruited?

No, you absolutely don’t need to shoot your teen’s Big Dreams down, you need only ask them what they’re doing each day to get them to that goal. Ask them, “What they’re willing to do in the way of hard work to get to their goal?” Ask them, “What did you do today to help you reach your goals?” When they reply through their behavior how they have committed, then with a bit of talent you might actually consider that your teen might be that one.

Resources:

You can catch What No One Tells You About Football Recruiting and more posts from Connie here.

If your teen needs help dreaming with their eyes open regarding sports checkout ViewMySport.com for more great tips on how to get noticed as a high school athlete.

Have It Your Way At High School

Kemi — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 11:00:14 +0000

High school is really about creating opportunities. If your teen wants to be a jock, so be it. If they want to be a nerd well, so be it and if the mood suits them and they want to be a party girl well again, so be it. Perhaps not what you would recommend, but it is part of the opportunity to create and craft high school to offer your teen the opportunities they want. They may not realize that high school, like the old commercial for a fast food restaurant can be had their way.

High School can start with a lot of confusion, not knowing where to go, which classes to take or who to hang out with. There are certainly bumps along the road that have to be learned. However, the clever mind can also ask upon entering high school, “What would I like to leave high school knowing?” “What would l like to learn at high school?” This approach will help guide your teen to create opportunities that create more opportunities and obtain a greater appreciation for the resources that high school has to offer. Meaning, you don’t want your teen to discover junior year that the units at an exchange high school in Mexico would transfer not only to high school, but college as well. At this point, the opportunity is missed.

No instead you want to walk in having considered what they did and did not like about middle school, consider things that can and can’t be changed like grades for example or social standing, maybe your teen wants to be an important part of student government, and finally you want to have your teen consider the things that bring them the most joy and creating opportunities to build on that foundation.

Approaching anything how much more high school this way, is great practice for accomplishing life goals. Because if they don’t want to be known as a party girl, a pregnant teen or a person that reacts to what life has offered them, they need to be proactive about the experience they want to have in high school and anywhere else. They need to ask the school to do it their way as much as is humanly possible.

Is Your Teen Proud Of Their Grades?

Kemi — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 11:31:55 +0000

Doc: How are your grades?
Teen: Average (teen looks down and gives a nervous smile while adding) “I could do better, but I’m lazy.”

What does average mean anyway? There is a law of averages and there is an average, but letter grades being average? Average usually means, they get mostly Cs, but they are not above a D or F here and there and if the class is fairly reasonable they may even get an A or B, but mostly Cs with more Ds than they care to explain.

If your teen cannot say their grades with pride, then they should be working harder or at the very least working hard to figure out why their grades are average.

The inability to say their grades with pride because they worked hard for them whether they be As or Fs is a source of potential damage to your teen’s self-esteem and once this damage is internalized it becomes part of who they think they are. Once the damage is made a part of who they are “I suck at school” they will assume this role for their lifetime.

There is nothing like the group of teens that have failed out of school to help your teen drown their troubles and feelings of inadequacy. This group that cuts class, knows where to get confidential family planning, finds the best drugs and seems to know all the places to hide when you’re running from the cops. This group is the beginning of a downward spiral.

Gently challenge your teen not with “Do better or else I take away…” No. That isn’t clever enough for you. Challenge your teen by asking them how they feel about their grades. Ask them if they would like to do better. Tell them you are willing to help them, but it will take changing a lot of their current behaviors. You may need the support of teachers (to assess for learning problems or get tutored), pediatrician (to assess for medical causes of learning problems) and a mental health worker (to assess for mental health reasons for difficulty learning like depression or ADD) to solve all of the challenges, but together you can improve your teen’s self esteem about their grades. But remember this isn’t about the grade; it’s about your teen feeling better about who they are and of what they are capable. Because trust me, they aren’t lazy.

But, That Was The Old Me

Kemi — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 11:30:55 +0000

Let’s say your teen walks into freshman year of high school and takes the socializing thing a little too seriously. They take it on like that is a prerequisite to getting into an Ivy League school. Their grades plummet. Sophomore year they realize their mistake and they make a great comeback! Mostly As with a sprinkle of Bs. Yeah!!! So why does your teen still get a negative vibe from their teachers?

First impressions are rough, but they are a big deal. Teens who can be very judgmental in their own right often forget that adults are not just judging their music or their clothes; they judge things like work ethic and self-motivation too. There is no better time that they figure this out than after a hiccup in something like their grades or other responsibility. People can change though. The problem is when the environment of teachers, friends and even family are too hung up on past mistakes or behaviors to believe that a change has been made.

This is difficult for a teen who in no way realized the true consequences for their freshman year behavior. Your teen must be reminded that with persistence and consistency they can overcome their reputation. They also need to know that will be challenging.

Persistence and consistency. Consistency. It is only through repeated successful fulfillment of a promise that people will begin to look at your teen differently. Giving up and returning to old behaviors is no way to react to the skepticism of others. After all, your teen should be changing to live up to their expectations of themselves? Your teen’s true self development comes from empowering your teen to define who they are not others.

It is this tiny spin on the situation that can make the difference between empowerment and victimization. Success and failure. Let your teen know, if they have truly changed that they shouldn’t let others force them to stay who they were. Own the person they have become and continue forward with the support of those who see the change as well.

Commencement Challenge

Kemi — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 11:30:12 +0000

It isn’t too early to think of high school graduation. In fact if your teen is thinking about graduation now, they are making all the right moves to get themselves there. A great part of graduation for parents is certainly watching their teen graduate, but the other part is the commencement speech. There are few speakers more sought after than the president maybe, Oprah? Well this year, the president could come to your teen’s school.

President Obama with his Secretary of Education, Arne Duncan have come up with a brilliant idea to get teens excited about their education and their school. This idea spring boards off the Speech to Students President Obama gave early in the school year about expectations laid out for academics in this country.

Now, the President is choosing to assume that level of academic excellence has been met and he wants to know how your teen thought they were able to pull that off within their high school environment. Write these essays well in the application and your teen could win the most sought after commencement speaker of all time, the president.

For more information and application you can go to Commencement Challenge. Good luck!