Whether your teen tells you or not, they have a lot of insecurities. A lot. And to be honest, why shouldn’t they.

Teens have tons of questions in their head about tons of things. They don’t always feel like they can ask or should ask you all of their questions, but whether or not they think to ask these questions, all of the questions are a set up for one insecure teen. Yes, it’s normal and doesn’t necessarily mean your teen has self-esteem issues, but it can make them a bit on edge. What am I going to do with my life? What is my contribution to society? What am I going to major in IF I get in to college and will it be a place I like? On and on and on…by the time you add questions about relationships, their body image, sex, depression, their family life well you have a walking ball of nerves.

Not all teens wear their anxiety about their future on their sleeve and some hide it so well you’d think nothing is going through that head of theirs, but trust me they have some questions about it. Be patient and try not to give them the third degree on things that sometimes take a lifetime to figure out. After all, did you know these answers when you were a teen? Alright then.

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You know that freak out thing your teen does when you ask a simple question and they start yelling and waving their hands and ranting about how you always do this and why cant you do that because it’s so obvious they’re in the middle of …

That’s a stressed teen. Sure it’s called being a teen and you may excuse it as such, but this is also a teen with a lot on their plate. They don’t handle stress any better than you do when someone is asking for this and your husband wants sex and the taxes are due and you just realized there’s a leak in the roof. Calgon doesn’t actually take you away. You end up sitting there having to deal with all the stress. Well, so does your teen except your teen has limited coping skills and they lack the authority to blow off some of your requests like chores and socializing with the family.

The irritability that comes with a teen that is an overachiever or an underachiever that is stressed about not achieving is palpable and it makes everyone in the house on edge. Offer any way you can help like snacks or errands, offer a break on some chores when projects or important meets are around the corner and when things calm down point out or teach them better coping skills so they can get through those times a wee bit nicer.

Related posts:

1. Teaching Your Teen To Manage Stress
2. Should Your Teen Take A Pill For Stress?

You may not know if you know someone like this until you piss them off.

Passive aggressive is a term mental health workers use to describe someone who seems to be happy around you and can act like there is nothing wrong, but the mistake you made or the disappointment you caused them before this moment sits with them. They can’t tell you that  what you did upset them so they act out their anger with you in some other way like “mistakenly” forgetting to pick you up or eating the last slice of cheesecake that you asked for or making snide comments then smiling and saying I’m just kidding. This type of aggression is so unrealized that it is called passive or not being actively done, but it is mean so it is called passive. They may not even realize it. Being passive aggressive is a maladaptive or bad coping skill that doesn’t encourage communication and without communication most relationships are doomed whether it’s with your parents or a future spouse.

Discourage passive aggressive coping by asking your teen what’s really wrong when they seem to blow off things that must have really bothered them. Help them see that through aggressive behavior they tell you that it bothered them more than they will admit and get them talking. Not for a long time of course, but a brief description of how something made them feel so that it can be changed goes a long way.

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Depression is the most common cause of suicide and suicide is the second leading cause of death in teens. Teens who are depressed rarely have the coping skills to realize this, or at least realize the importance of it so what they do is isolate themselves. They stay in their corner and assume no one wants to come in because no one cares. They forget that no one realized they were in the corner to begin with.

Pay attention to a teen that doesn’t want to be around people and doesn’t want to participate in social things like they may have in the past. This is suspicious for poor coping skills like drug use or eating disorders, but it’s also important in your teen who has depression.

Related posts:

1. Teen Depression Isn’t Always Sad
2. 5 Warning Signs of Depression in Your Teen

I know my teen was in the emergency room because they drank themselves into a coma, but I want to talk to you about their acne. Their acne seems so bad. 

Really? Acne is your priority? There’re times when you either choose to ignore the significance of something or you don’t understand the significance of something.  The Mom above doesn’t understand the significance of a teen needing to be in the E.R. to manage intoxication. This degree of use can mean the teen didn’t feel the buzz and so over drank their limit of alcohol, or they ignored it thinking nothing would happen. Both reasons are likely since no teen thinks anything bad will happen unless they have an extra dose of anxiety. I expect this of teens, but when parents don’t give serious situations the weight an incident like this deserves it makes it so hard to convince teens later that their use is a problem. They think Hey, my parents know and they don’t say anything. I know they don’t like it, but they just say I shouldn’t do it. No one stops something that is bad for them especially when it is enjoyable without a reason to stop. The only thing that stops you from eating all the chocolate in the world is that you won’t be able to fit any clothes, walk out of your house or be medically healthy. Otherwise, bring on the cookie room!

When something happens to your teen, there’s a decision to make as to whether you should use the weight of the circumstance to your advantage.  Coming home drunk is one thing, but needing the assistance of a medical team warrants a bit more than being grounded. Remember, you’re trying to prevent future negative behavior and there aren’t many teens that show up in the E.R. and don’t continue to use.

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Who among us doesn’t have an insecurity?! Linus yells this from the top of Snoopy’s house. Watching The Peanuts as a kid was great, but as an adult you hopefully understand the souls of these supposed children who act more like teens. After all instead of the blanket, the piano, the love obsessions or the self-deprecating humor as a child, your teen instead may always cover their eyes with their hair, never bare their chest at the beach, or keep their hands in their pockets because they always seem sweaty. These insecurities are normal and help shape not only how your teen sees the world, but how they become an adult. You can’t ask: why can’t you cut your bangs? Tell them, “take your shirt off! It’s hot as all get out; or smack their hands out of their pocket to shake grandpa’s hand and say you understand what they’re going through. These coping mechanisms help them gain the strength they need to face their world no matter how little the world actually cares about their insecurity.

Who among us doesn’t have an insecurity? By the way, no, your butt doesn’t look big in those pants, you just think it does. You wouldn’t be insecure about that, would ya?

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1. Does Your Teen Believe?

Sometimes your teen will grab a concept from the future and learn it early. They’ll be given an opportunity to look into the future of what their life might be were it to continue on the same course it’s on and they make a decision that alters their life in a good way. When this teen decided to break up finally for good with her abusive boyfriend she realized this was a great opportunity not to be insecure about being single, but to figure out why she would’ve made a choice to be with someone who was so abusive in the first place. She realized this at such a great time in her life because with all the frustration she managed to wiggle through the break-up, she had eye-balled the future and realized that break-up wasn’t going to go down much better with a marriage license and two kids in tow. This realization at this age was in fact priceless. And yes, it probably saved her a ton in emotional and financial expenses as well.

The ability to be selfish not in a way that takes from others, but in a way that allows your teen to grow as a person is one of the best ways they come out of their closet of low self-esteem and no confidence. Taking the time to get to know yourself is time well spent because that coming out party is a friggin’ blast and helps your teen grow into the best person, spouse and parent you can imagine!

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If your Mom made you eat oatmeal and even
chased you down the street with your bowl of unfinished oatmeal demanding that
you finish it, you might not want to touch the stuff when you’re finally an
adult. This means that if you have a teen that really likes oatmeal you may get
the shivers when you have to make it for them, but the answer is not to avoid
making it for them or worse criticise the fact they like it by using negative
adjectives to describe the oatmeal. This only serves to make your teen feel bad
about eating it and distances you from your teen.  Understanding why you do what you do can help
change the interaction between you and your teen because you understand that it
has more to do with your experience growing up and not your teen’s decision to
eat oatmeal or worse that there is something wrong with them for even liking
oatmeal.

Own your stuff. As a parent you have to own
your baggage, your stuff so you can be clear on what your teen does and what you
do. This helps you communicate better with your teen and an added perk is they
get to learn more about you and why you do what you do.

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1. But What They Need

Alone time is a great way for your teen to figure out what they want in life. It’s a great way for them to learn to listen to what is right and what is not so right in their world. This allows them to consider the inner voice they have that usually has a great gut reaction to situations. It lets them have such a great relationship with themselves they can feel with their “spidy sense” that they should or should not be in certain relationships, places, jobs or even dark corners. Many a person has been asked about what made them leave the building at that moment, or what made them go to the doctor when they had no symptoms and frequently the answer is something like I just had this feeling.

This feeling is what you’re trying to develop with alone time. Some will call it meditation others may call it down time, but whatever you call it being alone is a great way for your teen to get to know the most important person in the whole wide world, them.

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1. The “First Time” Break-up
2. Parent Time, Me Time
3. Next time, I’m the dumper!

There is a lot going on in what can seem like a party zone to some parents. For teens that are very anxious or nervous these questions can be overwhelming and can bring on such depression from the sense of hopelessness that they become paralyzed with thought. They may do their day-to-day lives, but they’re concern over their future their ability to make their lives happen as they would like or hope creates more anxiety and this eventually becomes overwhelming.

If you can catch your teen in the early stages and reassure them that not only does everyone have these thoughts, but that the hopeless thoughts are what steal their confidence to make these hopes come alive, you’ll create an opportunity to keep your teen motivated about their future. But if they’re a very anxious teen, you may be better served by getting them plugged into mental health support in the way of a counsellor or therapist. They can learn better coping skills to deal with their anxiety around things they can’t control. This can pay off with future anxieties that will occur in their lives.

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1. Why Dad’s are still Important to Teens
2. Teens, Texting and Driving
3. The Interesting Way Teens Think