What did you think? How did that affect you?

I’m fine. It didn’t affect me at all.

More often than not, this is a lie. Everything affects someone. Everything. Sometimes the impact is huge and sometimes it’s a little ruffle that can even be a happy ruffle. It’s still an affect though. The stiff jaw and mask of nothing bothering your teen is what can create a lot of tension in the home. Your teen wants you to think they can handle stuff and you busy with all that is life wants to believe them. Still…

Don’t be so easily suckered. Something’s gonna blow.

A parent who is not around affects them. A friend who let them down affects them. You not trusting them, affects them: just like Newton’s law of physics that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. You can bet your bottom dollar that every event that occurs in your teen’s life affects them and when they try and shake it off like their Joe cool they lose an opportunity to learn something about themselves that will make them stronger and smarter for future adversity. They lose the opportunity to have an equal reaction that packs a punch rather than takes them out.

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Having friends and family and even mentors are great resources, but in the end there’s a reason to get a therapist whether you call that person a counselor, therapist or whatever!

1. Available at Your Convenience

When you schedule your time with your therapist that time is yours. It’s waiting for you. They don’t say, ”Umm…I’m sort of busy right now. Can you call me later?”

2. Objective Person Listening

When you have a therapist they have no idea who you are. None. They don’t bring up the time you…or know anything silly about you that wouldn’t have you be taken seriously. You can be treated like the individual you are rather than the 3^rd daughter in the family or the girl who hangs with that crowd.

3. Great Feedback

Therapists in general focus on helpful feedback. They have seen a lot of people and heard a lot of stories so your story isn’t going to knock them out of their seat. Your friends on the other hand might have a tough time holding back a “Noooooo you didn’t! How could you?” Sometimes you can feel more of the guilt and shame from friend and family feedback.

4. No Judgement

This is another advantage of someone who has seen and heard a lot of stories. They can put your experience in context and realize how normal your response is. So a friend or family might ask, “How can you do that? Whereas a therapist might see how difficult the decision was for you and commend you on your bravery understanding this was a huge leap out of your comfort zone.

5. You Can Repeat as Much as You Want

Sometimes when you’re going through something you have to repeat it over and over. Why did this have to happen? But, why couldn’t that have happened? And man, I can’t believe I did that! Well, your friends and family might have a time at which they’re over what happened meanwhile you are living it and still struggling with it every day. So family or friends might say, “Wow, are you still on that? When are you going to get over that?” While a therapists will listen and try to help you understand the part of you that doesn’t let you get over it. So you can move through the difficulty.

Teens often associate seeing a therapist as a sure sign someone thinks they’re crazy, but in reality making a decision to see a therapist is a sure sign they know they need help to be better or handle things better than they currently are.

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1. I Don’t Want To Go Therapy!
2. 5 Great Reasons To Volunteer When They Won’t Hire
3. 5 Reasons Teens need Friends

Be yourself and others will like you, but what if they don’t like it when your teen is being themselves?

Be yourself anyway and get a new group of people for God’s sake. Not everyone is going to like you and that’s a good thing. Why? Some people aren’t worth being around and if you struggle to be liked by them your teen becomes someone they don’t recognize. They become them.  That gives me the shivers.

Yes, tell your teen to be themselves. But don’t be so Pollyanna about it that they walk away with the fantasy that everyone is going to like them for this. In fact, they may be so good when they’re themselves that the haters just leak from the woodwork. Now, they know they’re on to something good. Be yourself and if some people like you great, if others get your greatness even better, but if some hate well, then you know  you’re really on to something.

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Sometimes in the darkest moment it’s hard for your teen to see the end of the tunnel. But it’s always hard when there’re no lights on.

The light is experience and wisdom. The light is hope. Sometimes you give that to your teen and sometimes your teen can give it to themselves. Think about ways you can get your teen to consider that even when things seem grim that their thoughts often dictate their environment. Those thoughts are often influenced by the people around them. Surround yourself with people who doubt what you can do and your teen stays in a murky place, but surround yourself with people who are routin’ for you and who see your greatness well, now we’re talkin’!

A great lesson for your teen to realize is how much they affect their environment. It gives them some control to understand they can change it. Whether it’s the place, people, music or a vibe, your teen can control how their environement influences their sense hope to be in a better place, to get through the tunnel.

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1. Power In Poetry
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“My Dad says I’m bipolar. I can be happy one minute and then completely sad the next.”

Sometimes you hear words and a part of the definition sticks with you and because your teen relates to the part you remember you repeat what you heard. At the risk of sounding like a therapist, let me just say a little bit of knowledge can sometimes be a very dangerous thing.

What this teen is actually describing is just plain old depression. Sometimes she is depressed and sometimes she feels okay. The okay doesn’t mean she is manic and that is what you really need to fit the criteria for bipolar disorder. It’s a bit more complicated than that, but the simple version is a swing in mood that goes from depression to these binge like phases of excessiveness referred to as  mania. Examples of excessiveness are shopping as in thousands or hundreds of thousands of dollars worth. They may buy a boat or a house or tons of expensive clothes they don’t need. Excessiveness can be manifest in activities like sex, decorating, or drug use. The key is the behavior is extreme and then the crash of depression. They rarely seem to be “okay.”

Bipolar disorder can start in the late teens or young adulthood and sometimes, but not always teens have struggled to manage what they didn’t realize was a very real problem with poor coping mechanisms. It’s okay to have heard of a disorder and question whether a loved one has it, but do it to get them help so it looks less like name-calling.

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I don’t know, it’s just that when I drink I feel…well, I feel less nervous somehow.

Teens who struggle with anxiety may find themselves drinking or using drugs to help them calm down. By nature teens develop coping mechanisms, they aren’t born with them. So there will be times your teen will happen upon poor coping skills like anorexia, drugs or even sex before they happen upon a good coping skill like talking about it. In the meantime, what it looks like to you is strange teen behavior, lack of concern for their future and laziness. If they just applied themselves then…

Teens don’t know the words for I feel anxious, or I’m nervous all the time. Instead they think they’re the only one and they figure something out. Have a bit of suspicion that something else is going on and help your teen stop dealing with a very real issue in a poor way and allow them to develop good coping skills that will last them a lifetime.

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“I used to drink and smoke weed.” Hmmm what made you stop? “One day, I tried to play my sport with a hangover and I was horrible. That was all it took. I was convinced it was no longer for me.”

If you were overhearing this conversation as this teen’s parent, you might have thought to yourself, I never knew you smoked and drank. Oh my God! You might think this and then missed the big picture actually, the more important point. Without your assistance they made a great decision. Sure, the initial decision could raise an eyebrow, but look what came of it. She hasn’t touched the stuff since. That was over a year ago! Fabulous, YOU didn’t have to say a word.

There are two things you need to know. Your teen is doing stuff you don’t know about. Your teen is making really great decisions that you don’t know about. If you can remember this, you might try and trust them a little longer before you get all up in their peanut butter.

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“Doc, I’m not sure what’s wrong with me. I’m tired a lot. I can’t sleep and when I can sleep I still have no energy when I wake up. I cry easily and I seem to get angry real easily too. I just need some sleep.”

After running through some medical and behavioral causes for her sleeping trouble, I asked her if she thought she might be depressed. Her response was what would I have to be depressed about?

Sometimes depression is not just a symbol for weakness especially in determined and capable teens, but it’s a symbol of crazy. “I’m not crazy” is what I hear a lot. That same strength and determination that can get them through very difficult times is the same weakness that won’t let them realize something like a cause for depression. They experience something that really affected them and it makes them so vulnerable they push it outside of them as in not a part of them. They don’t associate it with them. Hence, the question, “Doc, what would I have to be depressed about?”

The answer is I don’t know. I don’t know what you might be depressed about, but if your teen is exhibiting any of the symptoms I mentioned above and they have no obvious medical or behavioral cause for their issue like sleep, you might want to consider having a therapist ask the question next time. It’s quite possible in a safe place like therapy they might figure out what they could be depressed about.

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1. Should Your Teen Take A Pill For Stress?

Whether your teen tells you or not, they have a lot of insecurities. A lot. And to be honest, why shouldn’t they.

Teens have tons of questions in their head about tons of things. They don’t always feel like they can ask or should ask you all of their questions, but whether or not they think to ask these questions, all of the questions are a set up for one insecure teen. Yes, it’s normal and doesn’t necessarily mean your teen has self-esteem issues, but it can make them a bit on edge. What am I going to do with my life? What is my contribution to society? What am I going to major in IF I get in to college and will it be a place I like? On and on and on…by the time you add questions about relationships, their body image, sex, depression, their family life well you have a walking ball of nerves.

Not all teens wear their anxiety about their future on their sleeve and some hide it so well you’d think nothing is going through that head of theirs, but trust me they have some questions about it. Be patient and try not to give them the third degree on things that sometimes take a lifetime to figure out. After all, did you know these answers when you were a teen? Alright then.

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You know that freak out thing your teen does when you ask a simple question and they start yelling and waving their hands and ranting about how you always do this and why cant you do that because it’s so obvious they’re in the middle of …

That’s a stressed teen. Sure it’s called being a teen and you may excuse it as such, but this is also a teen with a lot on their plate. They don’t handle stress any better than you do when someone is asking for this and your husband wants sex and the taxes are due and you just realized there’s a leak in the roof. Calgon doesn’t actually take you away. You end up sitting there having to deal with all the stress. Well, so does your teen except your teen has limited coping skills and they lack the authority to blow off some of your requests like chores and socializing with the family.

The irritability that comes with a teen that is an overachiever or an underachiever that is stressed about not achieving is palpable and it makes everyone in the house on edge. Offer any way you can help like snacks or errands, offer a break on some chores when projects or important meets are around the corner and when things calm down point out or teach them better coping skills so they can get through those times a wee bit nicer.

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