TheTeenDoc.com » Self-esteem

Insecure Teen?

teendoc — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 11:00:04 +0000

Whether your teen tells you or not, they have a lot of insecurities. A lot. And to be honest, why shouldn’t they.

Teens have tons of questions in their head about tons of things. They don’t always feel like they can ask or should ask you all of their questions, but whether or not they think to ask these questions, all of the questions are a set up for one insecure teen. Yes, it’s normal and doesn’t necessarily mean your teen has self-esteem issues, but it can make them a bit on edge. What am I going to do with my life? What is my contribution to society? What am I going to major in IF I get in to college and will it be a place I like? On and on and on…by the time you add questions about relationships, their body image, sex, depression, their family life well you have a walking ball of nerves.

Not all teens wear their anxiety about their future on their sleeve and some hide it so well you’d think nothing is going through that head of theirs, but trust me they have some questions about it. Be patient and try not to give them the third degree on things that sometimes take a lifetime to figure out. After all, did you know these answers when you were a teen? Alright then.

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How Do I Love My Teen?

teendoc — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 13:14:16 +0000

Every parent has a different way of showing love to their teen. There’s the saying, “Do you think I would provide for the roof over your head if I didn’t love you?” This is a bit like the excuse your spouse used to explain why they forgot your birthday or why there were no roses on Valentine’s Day. Not quite as a good an excuse when placed in those terms, huh?

Regardless of how much your teen seems to shrug off your advances of affection. POUR IT ON. No, you don’t need to use affection to embarrass them in front of their friends that is, unless you are genuinely moved, but do pour it on. They’re still as yummy as they were when they were toddlers they just don’t fit in your lap anymore.

The key is to use your words and behavior NOT your wallet. It can be very tempting to get the moody look off your teen with a brand new something or other, but let them earn the gift and get the love for free. You actually want them to think you love them and not that they can manipulate you into a false sense of affection. They know you want the affection, but you don’t realize they want it too! Use this information to gain the upper hand and persistently give your teens obvious signs of affection.

This is different from praising your teen that was discussed in an earlier post. A father joked after someone gave his teen a compliment, “Are you sure you mean my kid?” This was a perfect opportunity for this Dad to add his own affection for his teen. He did get the hint after the third compliment. Don’t let your teen wait this long to hear you chime in too.

Tell them you love them and do it often. Scenarios like “today being your or even theri last day on earth” are a great motivator, but isn’t long lived. Displaying this type of affection will allow you to see the good in your teen more than you already do. This will inspire your teen to want to please not just you but themselves. It is a great cycle that begins with a hug. If you’re not the touchy feely type try saying this to your teen after nothing in particular:

“Man, you’re a great kid!”
“Boy, I’m lucky to have you.”
I’m so proud of you and all that you have accomplished
“A friend was telling me some trouble they were having with their teen and it made me think of how you really seem to be handling things well. I couldn’t have asked for a better kid.”
“I’m really glad to have you. You’re the best!”

How do you love your teen? Let me know if you have even better suggestions to share.

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5 Tips to Help your Teen make Friends

teendoc — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 13:25:56 +0000

The prom king and queen are popular and everyone wants to be their friend, but what happens when making friends is not that easy? What if you are shy like the celebrities Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Robert Dinero or even Jim Carey who were all shy when they were kids? Some of them are still shy. How easy is it to make friends then? What if you are so depressed you don’t even care about having friends or making yourself visible to others? You already think you are invisible?

Any refusal to have friends is concerning and certainly a teen that has tried and failed needs help, even still they should not be permitted to exist without some physical connection to others. So, not just the internet. There are several reasons that teens may have legitimate reasons for not connecting to others, a history of being bullied, moving to a new town especially in senior year, speaking a foreign language, awkward social skills and the list goes on. No matter the reason there should be someone out there with whom your teen can connect.

Each of the above listed reasons has their own solution, but for the strong silent type here are some suggestions:

1. You just need two. You just need two friends yourself and someone else. Having yourself as a friend first is important because it is only through enjoying your own company that you are able to connect with others with enough confidence to realize that you are worthy of having a friend. No one is your friend out of pity and if you feel ike that in a relationship that is not your friend. You have to believe that you have something to offer and are worth befriending.

2. Hobbies. Focus on your teen’s hobbies to give them a comfortable environment in which they can be themselves and present themselves as knowledgeable and confident. This is much easier today with postings at the local coffee house and internet social networks that enjoy connecting in person as well. Obviously, a parent should monitor a teen’s computer use on social networks to make sure the group they are connecting with is appropriate. Check out information about monitoring your teen’s internet use here.

3. Older and Wiser Teens. Teens that associate with older teens sometimes cause concern for fear they will be introduced to bad behavior, however, there is also an advantage of your teen connecting with a mature group that is focused and willing to engage your teen. A big brother or sister is another way to accomplish this goal.

4. Extracurricular Activities. Your teen can consider auditing a college class and networking through a special interest group such as food or coin collection. volunteering or doing a work program for an organization can expose your teen to people who are more patient and want to be around anyone who is passionate about an topic. This is especially true of the elderly who need to know that they are still useful and have so much to share.

5. Club. Begin an after school club that is based on your teen’s special interest. If they are concerned there may not be enough teens interested in their school, they can invite teens from the local church, library, and other schools in the community. Subjects like the environment, disease advocacy like HIV/AIDS walks and local politics are all opportunities for teens to put their energy and ideas behind.

Not every teen is going to be prom king or queen and the great thing is you don’t have to be since things that make us unique are the things that make us special. Teens sometimes take a little convincing. Give them an environment to thrive in so they have the confidence to connect with others on their own terms. People will like them for who they are once they know that your teen likes who they are.

Praising your Teen

teendoc — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 13:26:40 +0000

The Oprah welcome. You know, when you see the show start and she has just walked on stage and the crowd simply goes crazy. You would think it was a Prince concert instead of the Oprah Show. Oprah will say, “Everyone should feel like this when they go to work.” That is how our teens should feel when they do something great especially something as spectacular as changing a G.P.A. of a 1.0 to a 4.0 in one year! Instead, this teen looked my way, shrugged her shoulders and barely uttered an, “eh.” Wow! What else did she want to do that could possibly impress herself more? Cure H.I.V?

This is not the first time this has happened. Other teens have been unimpressed with greater or lesser achievements. This is not okay. You are either severely depressed, numb or you have the wrong idea of what it is to be arrogant. When you talk to this teen more, you learn that she does not say much. She mutters, “Why get excited. It could drop again.” When you ask her to make a choice as to her preference, she has no opinion really. She is happy to take what you give her.

Now, the world revolves with all kinds of people: confident, shy, conservative and arrogant, but there is concern for inappropriate emotion to a fantastic achievement. This response was going to be passed on to her toddler who would be looking up to her with a smile after very first steps and be met with a nonchalant, “good.”

Don’t overdo the praise and by all means do not be insincere about it, but praise for great achievements cause a smile in your teen that is hard for them to hide. They crave it. It’s like water, they need it to grow. Despite the proclamations of independence and the “I hate yous!” there is a teen who wants to make their parents proud. They want you to brag about them and every teen deserves to overhear their parent brag about them. It lets teens know they are on the right track to becoming an adult. They made their own decisions and they were able to make you proud. What a confidence builder!

All Oprah has to do is walk on stage. Surely a teen that brings a G.P.A. up from the bowels of a 1.0 to a 4.0 deserves something short of the standing ovation that greets Oprah.

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5 Tips to help your Teen Figure Out who they are

teendoc — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 13:46:30 +0000

Michael Jackson’s death stunned the world. Keith Richards, Mick Jagger and Quincy Jones have outlived Michael Jackson. People who some might say have lived a much harder adult life. All the money in the world and he lived to be a measly fifty years old. You should start living at this age. It certainly says a lot about what money can and can’t buy. It says a lot about how being true to yourself is important to live a good life and being happy whether you become successful or not.

As a teen, Michael Jackson gained independence from his parents by collaborating with Quincy Jones to do what would begin the best work of his life “Off the Wall” and the record breaking “Thriller.” These albums (they were still called albums back then), were significant for several reasons but especially because they allowed him to do something that all teens need to do, separate and gain independence from his parents.

There are many hypotheses as to the type of Dad, Mr. Jackson was –verbally abusive or controlling are the rumors, and we will never know since we did not grow up in that home, but whether true or not the struggle for independence that was seen through those albums gave Michael Jackson his freedom even if it was at a price.

Michael Jackson had not had the opportunity to experience the events that precede the final pull for freedom (opportunities to experiment with various friends and connect with others his age without the celebrity) and so in some ways his mind stayed a teen struggling to discover himself. He seemed to be searching for who he was in all of those songs, clothes, skin colors, child-like friends and amusement parks. He seemed to be reinventing himself as if to try on different versions of himself in order to figure out who he was, leaving us to ponder if all the complaints of not being understood really had to do with him not understanding himself.

For parents who are fortunate enough to still have their teens at home be patient with your teen who is experimenting and trying on different ideas of themselves. Through all of the dyed hair, clothes trends, change of friends and haircuts lays an adult in waiting. There is nothing more interesting than watching the process and discovering what will emerge. With support they will figure it out, but the ones who struggle may dabble with alcohol, drugs, body image distortion, eating disorders and depression. Only with a lot of hard work will these teens eventually develop a love and appreciation for how special they are; an idea of them being good enough just as they are. Perhaps Michael Jackson may finally find peace with his struggle of who he was. I’m not sure he ever figured out what a special person he was and the gift he was fortunate to give to the world.

Here are 5 ways you can help your teen on the road to figuring out who they are:

1. Teen Style. Any physical change that is not harmful, let it pass. You may want your teen to dress like what YOU think is appropriate, but part of being a teen is fitting in with their peers. So if there are no safety issues (gang colors or dress), there is no potential for sexual misunderstanding (too short shorts or skirts or tops or jeans that are too low). Let it go.

3. Hair. Hair will grow back so arguments over hair cuts or color is absolutely not worth it. The response from their peers will often let things resolve by themselves.

4. Music. You aren’t supposed like teen’s music. It’s great if you do, but it is their music. The key here is to save any discussion for safety or socialization issues (mistreatment or abusive language of women, gays or ethnic groups are not to be tolerated).

5. Feedback. If you have nothing nice to say then say nothing at all. Criticism is only going to let them know that they can push your button with this behavior. They will keep it up long after it is no longer fun to keep pushing your button. On the other hand, if you like something say so although this may be all that is needed for them to stop the behavior.

Family Service and Teen Development

teendoc — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 13:45:36 +0000

Yesterday the 2009 Conference for Volunteer and Service ended. They discussed the power of volunteerism for our communities and of course the energized feeling that each person gets from volunteering. Volunteering is essentially the key to America’s future success. I am going to propose that it can do even more especially when a family volunteers together.

As teens learn to separate from parents gaining their own independence and learning to stand on their own feet, they waiver on their connection to their family. A family completing a task together, working together and accomplishing a goal together allows teens to see their family in a different light. We offer teens the opportunity to see their role in the family differently. Teens can see their value from another perspective as if believing all of your encouraging words about their potential and your family’s potential. It gives them an opportunity to see the absolute best in their family and have a new sense of pride.

This summer has been labeled the “Summer of Volunteerism.” As people try and conserve their financial resources, why not integrate volunteerism into a family activity. After all, vacation is a time to relax and hang out together. Why not hang out together accomplishing the goal of helping others out together.

The gift of realizing you have something to offer is priceless. It gives hope. Our teens have something to offer, their youth hardly limits the possibilities of what they can contribute. Teens need to know that. We need them to speak up and have their voice heard. We need to hear their voice because it’s gonna change the world.

Failure an Opportunity for Teens

teendoc — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 13:38:15 +0000

“What are your grades like?” She blurted out, “Bad.” And then she just started tearing up and the tears just kept rolling down her face. She literally did not speak one more word throughout the remainder of our time together. She just kept wiping away tears. She’d failed geometry and it was eating her up.

A lot of teens have trouble with geometry, advanced placement history or insert the name of some other class here. The difference between those patients and this young lady was that somehow she had defined herself by her one bad grade. Her other grades were As through Cs, but it was the failure that she let control her thoughts of herself. It is hard to understand that you are more than a grade when you have to take summer school for a failed class and there are whispers of where are you going to college and what career will you choose? She viewed herself by this standard of her one failed class and so as she’s developing her sense of self, she is saying to herself that she is a failure. The fact that she failed makes her feel ashamed or less than. This is a problem.

We are not going to succeed at everything we do, remember Michael Jordan as a minor league baseball player? Depending on your age, probably not, but Michael Jordan the basketball player with the memorable leap into the air with his palm cupping a basketball about to slam dunk is forever in your brain, that was what he was really good at, but it didn’t stop him from trying. The key to success is trying and then learning from the things that we don’t do well so we can capitalize or concentrate on the skills that we naturally possess and perfect them. This allows us to find the relationship between those things so we get on with the business of doing it. This makes our failure more of an opportunity to learn about ourselves.

Teen life is a constant state of change. They are learning about themselves and coming to terms with their strengths and weaknesses. Their weaknesses teach them about themselves just as much as their strengths. This is when our failures make for great opportunity to learn about ourselves not define who we are. If we can teach teens how to keep this two tasks straight, they’re going to be fine.

How Teens being Kind leads to Adult Happiness

teendoc — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 18:04:18 +0000

Teens have a knack for being selfish. They aren’t trying to be rude or intentionally unthoughtful, they’re just into themselves. It’s all about them and this is developmentally appropriate. Although appropriate, it’s still frustrating when they forget to call when they’re out late or don’t take out the garbage, but maybe they’ll remember next time. I feel teen life is practice for being an adult and if we can teach that these tasks are more than just trying to annoy them, but practice for being an adult, we can get them to remember to complete these tasks. It’s all about how you look at it, spin. So, what does remembering to take out the garbage have to do with being an adult, how much more a happy adult?

We ask teens to be kind or do for others through even seemingly small acts like helping your aunt with childcare or sitting with your grandmother who is visiting. These acts in and of themselves are nice even if they take time from their socializing and video games, but what we hope they get out of it is the feeling of having been appreciated which begins the cycle of sharing your talents with the world and teaches that it is better to give than it is to receive. You can tell someone it will happen, but until you have been in the position to receive someone’s gratitude for work that you have done well, it seems like hocus pocus. I think this is why Oprah is always giving people stuff.

When we ask a teen to figure out what they want to do with their lives, we are asking them to figure out the talent they want to share with the world that will return that sense of value, usefulness and pride in their work. You are not always paid a lot of money, but the reward of doing something you love frequently pays off in spades. The money will come and this makes kindness, the root of happiness.

Instead of asking them to remember their “chore,” let them know how helpful they are and how much you appreciate it. When they complete the task (don’t overdo it), but honestly let them know through your words and actions, “Hey thanks for doing that. Now, I have time to do something fun with you or simply hang out stress-free and listen to you explain your day, or drive you to the mall.” You have made them less of a “slave” and more of a team member who is useful and appreciated. That feeling goes a long way to creating a desire to do things not just because they are told to, but because it allows them to be useful and contribute. When teens do the work of figuring out the passion or talent they will share with the world through acts of kindness, they won’t view it as a “job” that pays the bills, but their contribution to the world. And this act of kindness makes you a happy adult.

Why Dad’s are still Important to Teens

teendoc — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 13:29:13 +0000

“My Dad Rocks!” I saw this on a toddler’s T-shirt. Let’s face it to toddlers you don’t have to do too much to rock. This is a good thing. When your toddler is a teen, the bar gets raised a bit higher. This weekend is father’s day and everyone celebrates differently. There are going to be a lot of ties given out, but in between the presents and the brunches or dinners, I hope that Dad’s will take a moment to realize the impact they still have on their teen’s lives, both sons and daughters.

Sons

Dad’s you are most influential on your son’s behavior. They look to you to be a man and not just in the way you dress, walk, or shave. They look to you for information on how to treat women beginning with their Mom. They are seeking clues on how to make their mark on the world and understand that the footprint is not always large that makes a big impact. Ghandi was a soft spoken man whose voice boomed throughout the world. Teach your sons that the stereotype of being a man is nothing like the everyday hard work of being a man. It requires patience and understanding and the ability to listen so that you can make well informed decisions for others in your family. If the goal of fatherhood is just to provide, your presence would not be so important. Be there and be present since the ripple effect on your teen’s sense of belonging is gigantic. Your pride in your son is food to his soul.

Daughters

Dad’s you are so influential on your daughter’s self-esteem. You are the first man they love. It is the way you love them that they will ask other men to love them. If you criticize they will think they are not good enough and settle for anyone’s attention. If you spoil them their future spouse will be forever living up to that hungry beast of greed and that nothing is good enough, and if you teach them that they are loved and have value beyond their looks and their body, they are going to be self-confident and feel the power of having a Dad who believed in them. With that kind of support they may have the patience to wait for their first sexual experience rather than throwing themselves at every boy or man searching for attention. By giving them the tools to believe in themselves through your belief in them, you let them know they will be alright by themselves too.

On father’s Day, I hope Dad’s get a great new gadget or tie to remind them of how special their role in the teen’s lives are, but I also hope they have an opportunity to appreciate that their teens even if they are taller and wiser than the toddler years still need their fathers and look up to them all the more!

Great Expectations from your Teen

teendoc — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 13:43:27 +0000

Expecting a lot of your teen is a great way to let them know you think they are capable of great things. Meeting these expectations can instill pride and confidence, but make the expectations too high, change the rules too much, or criticize them when they do not meet expectations and you can damage your teen’s developing identity and self-esteem. It can paralyze them from accomplishing anything by making them doubt they are ever good enough.

What is the right balance of high hopes and dismissing a “C” in advanced placement calculus? Well, it really depends on the teen. Your teen is going to let you know through their behavior that they are doing okay with your involvement and critique of their lives. A good test is that they should be happy. I know this may seem odd to parents who comment on their teen’s grunts to everyday questions, but teens should appear happy and satisfied with themselves.

I am concerned when they are disappointed with a G.P.A of 4.3, granted if you really could of done better and you missed the 5.0 for silly reasons a “better luck next time” may be appropriate, but to be dismissive of such hard work is concerning and demonstrates that the grades mean more than their desire to learn and discipline.

Your teens should be smiling and know that they are good enough no matter what. The lesson is in having attempted things outside of their comfort zone while sometimes succeeding and sometimes not and being okay with it either way. Not complacent with failure, but a commitment to try and do better next time if possible. And unlike something as abstract as grades, when the criticism is about their appearance or other unchangeable characteristics, the damage to their self –esteem and identity can sometimes be irreversible.

So, think highly of your teen while stopping short of the expectations being too high that they realize that what you really want is a perfect robotic teen rather than the imperfect teen they are. This makes your teen feel they are not good enough, and teaches to make others feel they are not ever good enough either. This is no way to develop a good sense of yourself, your value or a feeling that you are loved the way you are.