TheTeenDoc.com » Communication

Fighting With Your Teen

teendoc — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 10:00:40 +0000

“I think my parents aren’t the right parents for me. Otherwise, they’re okay.”

Parenting from your teen’s perspective can be so informative. I know you may think they’re too young to have a true idea of what needs to happen, but every once in a while ask them for a grade on how you’re doing. Get a sense of how well they think you’re doing. It can help you pinpoint the changes that can calm the fighting in your home. Sure, it might be your style, or a personality mismatch, but sometimes it’s the realization that you’re trying to parent them in a way that doesn’t fit their personality. In essence you become parents that aren’t a good fit for your teen. That is, until you change.

As teens start to find their own way they start to form their own way. This way might not be yours. If they procrastinate then you might have to let that go that you’re more type A. If they’re meticulous about their space and things then let them do their own laundry because you don’t do it well enough for them. When you fight with your teen, make it worth your while and learn something from the fight that makes your relationship better. Otherwise, you’re just fighting and that’s no fun at all.

Rihanna’s Fighting Words

How To Change Your Teen

teendoc — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 11:00:41 +0000

A hard life lesson is how much you cannot change someone. I’m gonna say this again for emphasis.

You can’t change anyone.

You can inspire them to change and you can certainly support them through their change, but you cannot change anyone.

Teens have an excuse because they don’t really understand this concept yet, but you? You? You’re an adult and you should know better. Just because you’re their parent doesn’t mean you can make them change who they are. You have to work with the difference and not think you can bend it like superman with the metal in his hands.

So many women in their thirties, forties and fifties finally admit defeat and divorce husbands they thought they could love enough to change. It’s not different with your teen. They were born that way. Inspire them, but don’t expect them to change until they’re ready.

You Don’t Get It…Sometimes Parents Don’t Understand

teendoc — Wed, 14 Mar 2012 11:00:57 +0000

Sometimes your teen is right. You don’t get it.

For example take the teen that has difficult periods or menstrual cycles. They can’t get out of bed and they can’t function. They either miss school or activities or they ask you to pick them up when they have done as much as they can do for the day.

Your doctor offers you birth control as a way to improve the cramps, lighten the bleeding, help the acne and backne* your teen struggles with, help stabilize their moodiness that precedes their period not to mention help regulate her periods. They offer you this manna from heaven if you will and you say…

Birth control?! I’m not giving my daughter birth control!

You don’t get it. The benefits outweigh the myth and stereotype of using the birth control to help your daughter attend school more regularly. You’re stuck on the words Birth Control. Let me do you a favor and call it hormone manipulation. How’s that? Better?

*Backne – acne on the back

Tricky Pronouns Parents of Teens Use

teendoc — Fri, 09 Mar 2012 11:00:58 +0000

There’re a lot of pronouns that you use when you talk to your teen. If you recall a pronoun is something that stands in for a person(s), place(s) or thing(s). There’re common ones that are short, but sometimes you use a lot of words to stand for something only you know in your head.

Chores

Do your chores. Like what? Chores are an unpleasant but necessary task. Really. Look it up. This can mean anything your teen hates to do. I’m banking that list is long. So if you say, “Go do your chores” and you fail to be specific. Well, your teen might come back saying, “Well that was rough, but I’m glad I finally cleaned up my social network inbox. I hate doing that!”

Protect yourself

This is usually preceded by “Don’t be stupid” then you add,” protect yourself.” Well I want to ask you with what? Protect yourself with Karate? A weapon? A shield? Emotionally? Protect yourself with what? This is usually how the sex talk goes and the assumptions in that sentence are exactly why the sex talk needs to be done. If you code it all up with pronouns, they’ll just shrug their shoulders and go, “Okay.”

Be smart

Hmmm…do you mean academically? Streetwise? As in I was being stupid just a minute ago? I tell you be smart means something different to each person. They think they’re doing alright until you show them the right way or they make a mistake that is costly. When we start a job, they train us if only by giving us a probationary period. They understand that no one really comes out the gate ready to go. They need to be taught, watched and then they need a lot of practice.

Be tough

Okay. I’m workin’ out now three times weekly instead of two. I have noticed some bicep bulk. Is that what you mean? Ohhhhh, you mean no one should ever connect to me emotionally and I should be mysterious with my friends! You really meant I should be able to take life’s knocks with some resilience? What’s resilience? Oh, being hopeful that things can get better even though I feel completely beat up. Be tough. AND it can mean learning to walk away from a fight because that never solved anything. Okay I think that makes sense too because I thought you meant I had to work out five times per week, doh!

Eat right

I do. I eat using my utensils. I always forget the side the fork versus the spoon goes on, but I think I know how to eat right. You mean that’s not what you mean. You mean I can’t eat orange chippy things for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Seriously? That’s a bummer. There’s no orange category on that pyramid? Dang! Alright I’ll try a carrot.

Teen Parenting Priorities

teendoc — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 11:00:20 +0000

You would like your teen to do well in school, have good friends, clean their room not to mention help with their chores and yes you would also like them to eat their vegetables and fruits and get the required daily suggestion of water. You ask me to back you up.

Ummm…can I get a priority list here?

What do you think your teen would look like (I say look like because they’re gonna be speechless when you give this list) when I am given the dubious honor of asking them to eat their veggies and fruits? You have to prioritize here. Stick to safety. It’s the easiest way to get in the really important stuff before your teen starts dozing.

Zzzzzzz…see there they go.

Look at your list and consider if there’s any way you can cut back to safety stuff. And just so we’re clear many boys think bacon or any other meat is a veggie and quite a few girls seem to think orange powdered puffy things that crunch are a mutant orange fruit. Go figure?

Teen Parenting Is Like Good Acting!

teendoc — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 11:00:59 +0000

Shake that one off! Being a good parent of a teen requires a certain degree of …acting!

I don’t mean pretend as in lie to your teen. They don’t need to develop a sense of mistrust when you are speaking, but more importantly learn how to control your reaction to what comes out of their mouth. And, a lot of stuff along the continuum of what you should and shouldn’t say to your parents frequently comes out of their mouth. A phrase comes to mind that I’m sure you’re familiar with, hmmm it sounds something like, what did you say?

Now, they know they have your attention because of what you’ve said.

To be the best or even good at something you have to practice. Practice letting it roll off you. This is not to say you shouldn’t care, this is just to say you shouldn’t make it so easy to get your goat all the time. Once you’ve practiced this enough we can move to the next stage, saying something that gets them to talk about what’s really bothering them instead of what gets your reaction.

Your Teen, Your Favorite Critic

teendoc — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 11:00:19 +0000

Don’t believe your critiques, but don’t believe your fans all the time either. It can all go to your head. You can ask any parent of a teen for confirmation on that.

It’s the best feeling when your teen snuggles up to you like a kitten getting their back rubbed and is sweet as honey. They frequently add something like “You’re the best!” Moments later they realize you didn’t do something they asked of you or you aren’t going to be able to afford the three thousand dollar prom dress and you are suddenly the worst Mom to ever walk the earth. No, you’re worse than that.

The pit of your stomach is deep and you feel like you’re on a roller coaster except your ride lasts years instead of the barely enjoyable two minutes that you waited an hour for. Now, you have options here. You could get cynical about all the purring and always ask what they’re after when they purr, or you could soak it up when you get it and miss it when it’s not there. You could do this to the point that you become a victim to the mood of your teen.

How ‘bout a happy medium? When you hear the great news know there is an element of truth in it and when you hear the bad news, know there’s a little bit of truth in that too. No one’s great all the time. So take both points of view with a grain of salt and know that you’re somewhere in the middle and that’s a great start. The rest is about not rolling with the roller coaster of love hate from your teen and staying rational when they love you and when they say they hate you.

Everyone’s a Critic

The Teen Chat

teendoc — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 11:00:08 +0000

You know that feeling you get when your boss wants to chat with you on a Monday morning? That’s the same one your teen can feel when you suddenly walk in to have a chat with them. Know why?

They get this feeling for the same reason you get this feeling; You know your boss is too busy or too “bossy” to just come down and have a happy chat about what you did over the weekend so any “chat” they want to have is about something related to the job. So having a chat with your boss isn’t associated with anything positive. Sure your boss could do away with this association by chatting you up more about nonwork issues or coming down to tell you something you did great, but how many people are really that chummy with their boss? How many teens are that chummy with their parents? Well there’re certainly more teens that are chummy with their parents, but if you only want a sit down chat when you have a problem with your teen then when you want to chat, they’re going to think what did I do now? So they’re going to be anxious no matter what the chat is about.

Your teen is not your boss. Chat ‘em up. Get to know other things about them and talk to them about all things so when something that is behavioral comes up, it doesn’t stand out so badly it creates a feeling of panic just because you want to chat with them.

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Teen Parent Fine Print

teendoc — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 11:00:38 +0000

You didn’t realize this, but you signed a contract when you decided to have your teen all those years ago. Just in case you missed it because you were so blissfully happy they were born healthy and smelled of baby smell, I have cut and paste it here for you to read carefully now that there isn’t a watermelon coming through your vagina. And so you dont have to get your glasses, I enlarged the print.

“All births are final with no ability to submit request for extended warrantee on baby that grows up to be a defiant teen. Offer may be subject to terms and conditions of the genetic background and environment the baby is exposed to. There is limited time to expose the baby to new and outstanding things before they will no longer seem to be listening to most of what you say. Developing teen will find you annoying at times and irritating at others. You are not to become distracted by this given your parent wrote this into your baby contract when you were acting out much to their dismay at nine years old! (What goes around comes around) Teen may intermittently want you to treat them like a grown up with a fully developed brain while asking you to tuck them in at night or let them sleep with you because they saw a scary movie. Your teen at some point will be in a room with people who are drunk or stoned and understand that it does not mean your teen is drunk or stoned. Someone will want to put their hand up their shirt or down their pants and although you will be morally opposed to this you will sanction it along with poking holes in condoms and diaphragms when YOU are ready to be a grandparent. By accepting this child you accept the terms and conditions of this fine print not to truly understand its terms or conditions until your baby ah-hem teen has left the house and is on their own and you know that despite all the ups and downs they made it to adulthood. There is no expiration date on this fine print as you will find that no matter how old your teen becomes when they’re with you they’re almost always still your baby and seem to fall into that role whether they come visit you with their family or for a short visit from college. Whew!”

Enjoy your teen!

Got Teen Stress?

teendoc — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 11:00:11 +0000

You know that freak out thing your teen does when you ask a simple question and they start yelling and waving their hands and ranting about how you always do this and why cant you do that because it’s so obvious they’re in the middle of …

That’s a stressed teen. Sure it’s called being a teen and you may excuse it as such, but this is also a teen with a lot on their plate. They don’t handle stress any better than you do when someone is asking for this and your husband wants sex and the taxes are due and you just realized there’s a leak in the roof. Calgon doesn’t actually take you away. You end up sitting there having to deal with all the stress. Well, so does your teen except your teen has limited coping skills and they lack the authority to blow off some of your requests like chores and socializing with the family.

The irritability that comes with a teen that is an overachiever or an underachiever that is stressed about not achieving is palpable and it makes everyone in the house on edge. Offer any way you can help like snacks or errands, offer a break on some chores when projects or important meets are around the corner and when things calm down point out or teach them better coping skills so they can get through those times a wee bit nicer.