TheTeenDoc.com » Communication

Just Listen

Kemi — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 11:30:30 +0000

Listen to everything your teen tells you. I mean everything. Mind you, you aren’t listening to catch them in a lie; you’re listening to let them know you are interested in them. Okay, and sometimes to catch them when they’re not making sense, or possibly a lie.

When you listen, you should make mental note of people, their names, distinguishing traits, if some seem more special than others, and if some names come up a lot. Asking questions shows you are interested, but be careful not to make it a question that was answered earlier in the story.

They know you have a lot to do, so if you can show them you care by remembering the names of people they mentioned or the quirky story describing how they got their nickname, you are bound to win major parent points.

If you are a multi-tasker, by all means do what you need to do, but when they ask a question, you need to be able to give them an answer so they believe you are listening.

Feeling heard is a great way to show your teen that they are not alone. They have someone with whom they can face the challenges of the world and hopefully feel comfortable telling you about either serious or heavy concerns. All you have to do is listen.

Does Your Teen Always Do That?

Kemi — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 12:27:58 +0000

When your teen does something, do you say, “You always do that?” If you thought about it, do they really always do that? More often than not if we take the time to actually chart how many times something is done rarely do we find that someone always does the behavior and yet that is what we think when we are frustrated.

What your teen hears..

If your teen thinks they are always going to be blamed for negative behavior, at some point they give up and do the negative behavior that you criticize. Once they give up, it’s hard to convince them that you will notice them trying better behavior or the good behavior they already do. So do your teen a favor and give them the benefit of the doubt and drop the always.

So instead…

Assume they don’t always do that and act as if this is the first time you have asked them to do this chore and just ask for what you want or need. If you can remember raise expectations by saying something like, “You probably know how to do this, so I will thank you in advance for remembering…” Also, if you catch them doing the behavior you like, complement that behavior. Somehow the always in front of something positive doesn’t have the same negative effect on your teen so complement away!

Congratulations! You’re A New Teen Parent

Kemi — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 13:14:26 +0000

Congratulations you are the proud parent of a teen! A sure way of knowing this is the silence that now follows after your questions, or maybe it’s the tense body that you hug or kiss, that is, if you can find your teen. One of the hardest things teen parents do is manage the hurt they feel when their teen shuts them out. When you try to enter your teen’s world, you are met with a wrinkled face that grunts, groans, and may even roll their eyes. What a parent does at this point is very important maybe the most important thing you will do in parenting your teen.

Parents confronted with this surly teen at the end of a hard day, in a challenging economy, with a mortgage that is struggling to be paid may say, “Forget this. Do us all a favor and stay in your room.”

BUT

If you have it in you to take a breath, to conjure some humor, put your arms out for a hug, you communicate to your teen how much you want to be there. A colleague Dr. John Duffy calls this, Availability. You can check out his blog here. He tells this great story of a teen who was so hurt by his father’s criticisms and “stay in your room” attitude that the only emotion he seemed able to convey towards his Dad was anger. This teen yelled, “He left first!”

Not what you would think? Parents can sometimes think teens are so interested in hanging out with their friends that they don’t want to hang out with their parents. This is not true. Your teen should absolutely be hangin’ out with friends. Teens need to experience relationships with other people, but in the end, your teen wants you. They want their parents. Keep this in the back of your head, hopefully it will allow you to take their antics less personally because they just want you to want them back. For other common misunderstandings in parent-teen communication check out my post 11 Teen Parenting Dos and Don’ts.

6 Tips on How to Check-in with your Teen

Kemi — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 13:36:54 +0000

There is so little time in the day that you actually spend with your teen especially if you work outside the home. For some this may be a good thing, but with the demands of the day, it can be difficult to just check-in. How do you let your teen know that you are thinking about them, or watching them when you are not there?

Some parents are going to install a nanny cam in their teen’s room to have a sense of what’s going on. This is not recommended. The more direct approach might be to just check-in with them. When you have a good connection with your teen, they know you are aware of what is going whether you have the concrete proof or not and they will tell you. Their relationship with you believe it or not is of such value they don’t want to ruin the trust you have in them.

This process begins with simple check-ins that should be delivered in a loving way. Avoid creating a feeling that you are waiting for them to get into trouble instead aim to create a feeling that you truly are thinking about them fondly. These are a few, but please let me know if you have better ones.

1. Cell phone. There are so many concerns about whether a teen should have a cell phone. Well, use it to your advantage. Learn how to text or send an audio memo and say, “I was thinking about your exam today and wanted to wish you the best! I know you studied hard.”

2. Notes. Notes on the back of napkins in their lunch or within their notebook are a reminder that you think about them and love them. You can write a favorite quote from a song, a funny joke you two share or a simple “I Love you” will do.

3. Humor. Funny almost never goes wrong. They don’t expect you to be Jim Carey, unless you’re really that funny or maybe you are Jim Carey, but you can send a picture of you pulling your hair out at work or print a photo from a fun event you had over the weekend and write a caption like “there’s no one else I’d rather do the extreme roller coaster with at all!”

4. Electronic Mail. With so many people carrying smart phones, it is possible to send an e-mail message to your teen that can express a sentiment that is more than 140-160 characters. If you had a fight over the weekend or a misunderstanding that morning, your teen can read it on their way to school or after school. This is better if the note is an apology, continuing an argument this way is not recommended.

5. Social Media. Social media sites like Twitter and Facebook offer an opportunity to families to update each other with blocked messages that only their family can read. This can give you information about whereabouts and deliver feelings of encouragement or endearment with one fell swoop.

6. Old School Media. Ask them. These are suggestion in addition to the old tried and true. Ask them in person or make the call. Talk to them and let them know you really want to know the answer. These other methods aren’t nearly as effective without this method being utilized first and foremost.

Well, how do you check-in with your teen throughout the day?

How Do I Love My Teen?

Kemi — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 13:14:16 +0000

Every parent has a different way of showing love to their teen. There’s the saying, “Do you think I would provide for the roof over your head if I didn’t love you?” This is a bit like the excuse your spouse used to explain why they forgot your birthday or why there were no roses on Valentine’s Day. Not quite as a good an excuse when placed in those terms, huh?

Regardless of how much your teen seems to shrug off your advances of affection. POUR IT ON. No, you don’t need to use affection to embarrass them in front of their friends that is, unless you are genuinely moved, but do pour it on. They’re still as yummy as they were when they were toddlers they just don’t fit in your lap anymore.

The key is to use your words and behavior NOT your wallet. It can be very tempting to get the moody look off your teen with a brand new something or other, but let them earn the gift and get the love for free. You actually want them to think you love them and not that they can manipulate you into a false sense of affection. They know you want the affection, but you don’t realize they want it too! Use this information to gain the upper hand and persistently give your teens obvious signs of affection.

This is different from praising your teen that was discussed in an earlier post. A father joked after someone gave his teen a compliment, “Are you sure you mean my kid?” This was a perfect opportunity for this Dad to add his own affection for his teen. He did get the hint after the third compliment. Don’t let your teen wait this long to hear you chime in too.

Tell them you love them and do it often. Scenarios like “today being your or even theri last day on earth” are a great motivator, but isn’t long lived. Displaying this type of affection will allow you to see the good in your teen more than you already do. This will inspire your teen to want to please not just you but themselves. It is a great cycle that begins with a hug. If you’re not the touchy feely type try saying this to your teen after nothing in particular:

“Man, you’re a great kid!”
“Boy, I’m lucky to have you.”
I’m so proud of you and all that you have accomplished
“A friend was telling me some trouble they were having with their teen and it made me think of how you really seem to be handling things well. I couldn’t have asked for a better kid.”
“I’m really glad to have you. You’re the best!”

How do you love your teen? Let me know if you have even better suggestions to share.

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Teen Silence is never Golden

Kemi — Thu, 09 Jul 2009 13:26:03 +0000

Parent: “How was school today?”
Teen: “Fine.”

Sometimes this is the way conversations go with teens. As a parent, you can get frustrated and stop asking. “If you don’t want to talk then I will stop asking.” A parent can’t really do this. Teens need a connection to others. This is the reason for their self-expression through their clothes, hair and language. This is why each generation of teens has their own signature look, sayings and music. It gives them a connection to others when they think they’re alone. But off all the connections, the one teens lust for is that of their parents. If you don’t believe this, you will inadvertently leave your teen to fend for themselves and they will be alone.

You must be willing as a parent to sit and listen to your teen’s silence and know that they are watching you for the sincerity of your presence. They will trust this and eventually talk. They will see you care and they will tell you more than you wanted to know. In order to do this, you have to be in a good space. You have to have the patience to endure whatever mood they have at the moment. Try:

1. Breathing. Take a breath and rid the clutter of your head. True you are going through a lot and need a moment, but your teen needs you now and what a privilege that is.

2. Clear your head. You can’t assume that what is on their mind is the worst thing on your mind. So, the pregnancy scares or other crisis of equal magnitude should leave your head. Think positively. This will put you in a better mindset to hear what they are saying.

3. Smile. Look welcoming and a smile does this. If you furrow your brow or look annoyed in any way, they will sense this and keep their thoughts to themselves. “Sure, what’s on your mind?”

Simple suggestions, but how many times have you tried to talk to someone about something on your mind and they’re distracted by their phone or television. They look like you have interrupted them or worse they look at their watch? Your teen needs to feel like they are not a nuisance and a welcoming look can help with this.

Now, if they do end up telling you they are in crisis, take the breath, excuse yourself, call your spouse or a friend and scream. Then, go back to your teen and tell them, “I really appreciate you having the courage to tell me that. I have to admit I wasn’t expecting it, but I’m glad you told me. Now, we can get through it together.” *Hug*

Your teen is going to tell you so much stuff from now on, you are going to wish you never listened and that is the way it should be.

6 Helpful tips about Teen Grief

Kemi — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 13:39:28 +0000

He told me his Dad died of a heart attack a year ago. He was doing fine and chuckled that he knew it seemed like everyone he was close to had died, but he really was doing well now. On the day his father died, he had not done so well and never imagined he would get to this point, but he was in fact okay. How did he get here?

Grief can be overwhelming. It is the intense sorrow caused by the loss of a loved one especially in the case of death. The intensity will look different depending on the teen. All teens are not the same and they do not talk about their feelings the same and therefore may look absolutely fine one minute and then fall apart the next. In order to help your teen through a difficult period like this, it is important to remember a few things:

1. Talk. Talk and be willing to talk about their loved one. Teens may be silent, but do not let that mislead you with their silence. Sometimes they simply need someone else to start the conversation or their concern over not wanting to upset the adult around them causes them to keep it to themselves.

2. Participation. Let your teen be a part of honoring their loved one at the funeral or other celebration with some responsibility or telling a story of remembrance. These are great opportunities to honor your teens feelings.

3. Reassure. Teens sometimes come to the oddest conclusions. For example, since they did not know the grandparent as well or as long as you did, they don’t feel they have a right to feel sad. This is not true. Let them know that it is through them that the spirit of that loved one lives and a life can make an impact in a moment, the length of time is irrelevant.

4. Memorialize. Collect memories to place in a book, plant a tree in their favorite park or make a donation to their favorite charity. This allows an opportunity to have others know that this person lived, had a family and existed even though they are no longer here. A big concern is that the loved one will be forgotten and so opportunities to remember them allows your teen to heal.

5. Gift. Let them select something to keep as a reminder of that person. Cufflinks, jewelry or old clothes with their loved one’s smell allow them to greive while carring a part of their loved one with them.

6. Talk. I cannot stress the importance of talking enough. Teens can suppress their feelings about the loss and act out their feelings through anger, depression and other more poor coping mechanisms. Until they begin to talk about the loss and what it means to them they will stay at that stage of development and never get through the loss.

You never really get over the loss of a loved one, however, you can get through it and your teen needs your help to do that. They want to talk to you, but they are afraid they will make you cry. They want to ask someone about their loved one, but they are afraid it will bring up too many sad memories. Without talking, they will need to stay at that moment of having heard about the death in order to save everything they have left of their loved one. They think their loved one slips away with every moment they are happy or carefree. They do not know that their grief or time spent greiving does not honor their one’s life any more than chosing to get As.

Give your teen the tools to move on while honoring the person they loved. Give them the space to know that they can come to you and although you too may get upset that you will both feel better having spoken. Don’t you want them to be happy after you die? For more information about dealing with loss and connecting to others go to the Grief Blog.

3 Ways to Keep your Teen Talking to You

Kemi — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 13:32:36 +0000

Has your teen ever been upset and when they told you what it was about you almost blurt out, “Oh that. Is that all? That’s nothin’. I thought you were pregnant or something.” Thank goodness they had nothing very serious going on, but now you have completly invalidated your teen’s feelings with what is basically relief on your part. This invalidation or relief can leave your teen feeling unsupported.

When you have a lot on your plate: work, bills, parenting and you name whatever else just went wrong; it is hard to be empathetic to your teen’s concerns about not being invited to a party or having had a friend disappoint them. However, these moments are opportunities for your teen to see how well you listen and support them. They want to know if they can really come to you with their problems. Taking a deep breath to slow down and allowing them to tell their story without interruptions or teasing can go a long way to making an investment that will allow you to be the one they come to when thye need someone for something serious even by your standards.

Because teens can be very sensitive about being understood, they need proof through your behavior that you mean what you say about wanting to know what is going on rather than just taking your word for it. If they can look back over time and realize that you are someone they feel comfortable speaking with and they felt better after the talk (even if you do not solve their dilemma), they are going to keep coming to you.

Parents sometimes think their teen should be comfortable telling them things simply because they are the parent and unfortunately this is only good for the first discussions. To keep your teen coming to you takes work on your part:

1. Listen. Be a good listener. It helps wehen you don’t seem distracted so no peeking at blackberries and turn the television or computer off.

2. Inquire. Ask good questions not only will this keep them talking, but it will show your interest in what they are saying.

3. Empathy. Keep your judgments to yourself. Remember they have an opinion about you too they just don’t share it out of politeness and respect. It won’t help them relax around you if you cut them off to share your opinion on the matter. No one wants to speak to someone who is so opinionated there is no room for someone else to talk.

These simple rules can help you lay the ground work of your teen coming to you with simple concerns so that you can be the one they come to when they have really big concerns. Have you ever had a moment like this that you wish you had handled differently? Let me know.

4 Tips to Teen Parenting in Bad Times

Kemi — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 16:25:33 +0000

When the teacher walks up to you and tells you great things about your teen, the pride on your face is hard to hide. When your teen does something less respectable the frustration of the moment can sometimes make it seem like they’re always doing something wrong. Some parents view this as such a reflection of them that they ask, “How could you do this to me?”

Well, the truth is that they are not doing it to you. They do things to themselves, but they are in a constant state of change and must learn from those moments and so should you. When I talk to parents about changing their teen’s behavior, I can get comments like, “you don’t know her like I do” or “Well let’s see how long that lasts.” Comments like these especially in front of your teen only serve to lower expectations and destroy any sense of hope that your teen has to make their relationship with you better.

As difficult as it is when you have been disappointed by your teen’s behavior, you must take a deep breath and turn a new page. Without the hope of earning your trust, your teen may give up hope that your relationship will be better. This can be the spark that perpetuates a cycle of bad behavior since what do they have to lose? So, when something goes wrong, try:

1. Tone. Speak in a nonjudgmental tone rather than someone who knows your teen did it. Teens are smart enough to hear this in your voice and will react to it by “acting” like they don’t care about how serious the misdeed is just to shake off how sad they are.

2. Listen. Listen to your teen’s side of the story or at least their interpretation of events. It really helps make your teen feel like they are heard and you believe in their desire to do well.

3. Empathy. Understanding for the position that your teen is in goes a long way. Teens have no power to make household decisions and they are struggling for independence from you, along the way they do stupid things that make sense at the time. Remember, they are still maturing and do not always think about the consequences of their actions. They should not be punished for that lack of understanding, but taught how to think about it next time.

4. Forgive. Once the entire ordeal has been explained and understood, the misdeed has to be placed in a vault and “forgotten.” Bringing this up every time you get into an argument with your teen is no way to change their behavior. It makes them feel like it is hopeless and they will never earn your trust back. This is a dangerous place to put your teen because they simply give up trying to please you.

Judging Teens doesn’t Work

Kemi — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 14:18:11 +0000

Parents don’t like being shut out of their teen’s lives. They tell their teens they want to know what’s going on. They tell me they want to know what’s going on. There are terrible stories of parents invading their teen’s private things for no reason other than being nosey. I’m always trying to figure out if they want to know just to know or so they can help.

You have to remember that teens really do listen to you. The teen I saw the other day wanted to tell his mom that he was sexually active, but had heard all the judgments Mom had made about the older sibling’s sexual activity to him. He just kept thinking, “Oh, the disappointment. She is just going to judge me so much even if she doesn’t tell me to my face.”

What a difficult position to be in. It means that in order to relieve the burden of wanting his Mom to know, he would have to know that his Mom was disappointed in him. This dilemma was eating this teen up inside. He didn’t know what to do.

Parents should know that their teens want to discuss things with them and would love to engage in mature conversation that does not involve them feeling bad at the end of it all. Here are some tips on what to do before the situation arises:

1. Empathy. When things occur e.g. teen pregnancy, drug addiction, it is important to have some empathy in your opinion. Absolutes like, “that parent should have” are not going to give your teen the feeling that you will show empathy to them.

2. Talk. Talk to your teen about anything that comes up of course, but especially controversial things that they may going through so that you get their thoughts on the subject e.g. What did you think of the way that teen handled that situation? What would you do differently?

3. Listen. This is probably the most important thing that you can do because if they seem to suddenly get upset over something it may have more to do with their situation than you think. It is important to remember that even when you think you are talking about something else, your teen may be going through a similar situation and hearing your words directed at them.

Remember, a little goes a long way. A little empathy, a little talk and a little listening at the correct time can convince your teen that you are the person to go to and that you will be there no matter what!