TheTeenDoc.com » Communication

The Teen Chat

teendoc — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 11:00:08 +0000

You know that feeling you get when your boss wants to chat with you on a Monday morning? That’s the same one your teen can feel when you suddenly walk in to have a chat with them. Know why?

They get this feeling for the same reason you get this feeling; You know your boss is too busy or too “bossy” to just come down and have a happy chat about what you did over the weekend so any “chat” they want to have is about something related to the job. So having a chat with your boss isn’t associated with anything positive. Sure your boss could do away with this association by chatting you up more about nonwork issues or coming down to tell you something you did great, but how many people are really that chummy with their boss? How many teens are that chummy with their parents? Well there’re certainly more teens that are chummy with their parents, but if you only want a sit down chat when you have a problem with your teen then when you want to chat, they’re going to think what did I do now? So they’re going to be anxious no matter what the chat is about.

Your teen is not your boss. Chat ‘em up. Get to know other things about them and talk to them about all things so when something that is behavioral comes up, it doesn’t stand out so badly it creates a feeling of panic just because you want to chat with them.

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Teen Parent Fine Print

teendoc — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 11:00:38 +0000

You didn’t realize this, but you signed a contract when you decided to have your teen all those years ago. Just in case you missed it because you were so blissfully happy they were born healthy and smelled of baby smell, I have cut and paste it here for you to read carefully now that there isn’t a watermelon coming through your vagina. And so you dont have to get your glasses, I enlarged the print.

“All births are final with no ability to submit request for extended warrantee on baby that grows up to be a defiant teen. Offer may be subject to terms and conditions of the genetic background and environment the baby is exposed to. There is limited time to expose the baby to new and outstanding things before they will no longer seem to be listening to most of what you say. Developing teen will find you annoying at times and irritating at others. You are not to become distracted by this given your parent wrote this into your baby contract when you were acting out much to their dismay at nine years old! (What goes around comes around) Teen may intermittently want you to treat them like a grown up with a fully developed brain while asking you to tuck them in at night or let them sleep with you because they saw a scary movie. Your teen at some point will be in a room with people who are drunk or stoned and understand that it does not mean your teen is drunk or stoned. Someone will want to put their hand up their shirt or down their pants and although you will be morally opposed to this you will sanction it along with poking holes in condoms and diaphragms when YOU are ready to be a grandparent. By accepting this child you accept the terms and conditions of this fine print not to truly understand its terms or conditions until your baby ah-hem teen has left the house and is on their own and you know that despite all the ups and downs they made it to adulthood. There is no expiration date on this fine print as you will find that no matter how old your teen becomes when they’re with you they’re almost always still your baby and seem to fall into that role whether they come visit you with their family or for a short visit from college. Whew!”

Enjoy your teen!

Got Teen Stress?

teendoc — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 11:00:11 +0000

You know that freak out thing your teen does when you ask a simple question and they start yelling and waving their hands and ranting about how you always do this and why cant you do that because it’s so obvious they’re in the middle of …

That’s a stressed teen. Sure it’s called being a teen and you may excuse it as such, but this is also a teen with a lot on their plate. They don’t handle stress any better than you do when someone is asking for this and your husband wants sex and the taxes are due and you just realized there’s a leak in the roof. Calgon doesn’t actually take you away. You end up sitting there having to deal with all the stress. Well, so does your teen except your teen has limited coping skills and they lack the authority to blow off some of your requests like chores and socializing with the family.

The irritability that comes with a teen that is an overachiever or an underachiever that is stressed about not achieving is palpable and it makes everyone in the house on edge. Offer any way you can help like snacks or errands, offer a break on some chores when projects or important meets are around the corner and when things calm down point out or teach them better coping skills so they can get through those times a wee bit nicer.

Your Teen Needs Help

teendoc — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 11:00:20 +0000

Help?!!!! Unless your teen has a large building crushing their body, you may never really hear these words.

I’m not talking about a whiny teen who is nagging for you to do what they should be doing. I’m talking about the teen who doesn’t want to ask for help for fear it makes them look weak. Asking for help can not only be a sign of their weakness where you’re concerned, but it can also be an opportunity to be rejected. What if they ask for help and trust someone enough to depend on them and that person doesn’t come through for them? What if that person drops the ball? The lesson is don’t trust anyone and do it yourself. Getting a request of help from this teen will be almost impossible in the future.

Experiences shape who we become as adults and this is obviously no different for your teen. If you constantly remind your teen that you’re there to help and in their time of need don’t or can’t follow through on your offer, the lesson although not intended is clear-trust no one. It can take a lifetime to reverse this type of disappointment. When you say you will be there, be there.

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Here, You Need A Breath Mint

teendoc — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 11:00:03 +0000

There’s that moment when you get in close to kiss someone and the birds are floating around your head and then you smell it, their breath. Ugh!

This is one example of things that involve such great tact and what grownups like to call maturity. What do you do? What do you say? How are you seriously gonna kiss this person and call it the best kiss ever? If you end up marrying this person this isn’t a onetime suck it up moment, this is a life sentence of bad breath and bad kisses! What do you tell your teen about honesty and caring when this same situation is the spinach on your bosses tooth or the toilet paper on the bottom of your colleague’s shoe, or the tear in the back zipper of your kid’s principal’s skirt. What do you do? What do you say?

I’m not saying there’s an easy answer or that you should be painfully honest all the time, what I am asking you to consider is these situations also happen at home and sometimes the person your teen wants to be honest with is you. And, I’m asking you to consider how you would take someone offering you the breath mint.

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A Short “To Do” List For 2012

teendoc — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 11:00:37 +0000

This is a short list of three things you can do differently to improve communication and your relationship with your teen. Ready?

1. Believe what they say

I know there’s the old joke how do you know a teen is lying…their mouth is moving. Har har har, but try and give them the benefit of the doubt. Are you sexually active? No. Okay. Are you doing drugs? No. Okay. Did you do your HW? Yes. Okay. Only you know the kind of parent you are, but if you’re someone who never trusts what your teen says without having reason to not trust them. This means there’s no proof or history of that behavior then you have to turn over a new leaf. You have to start trusting your teen with something or about something.

2. Challenge your teen

Challenge them with a responsibility they have been asking for that you did not previously want to give them. Let them try and prove they can or verify can’t do it. But they’ll never know if they don’t try and guess what? Neither will you. If they fail they’ll stop asking and if they succeed you can give them more responsibility.

3. Listen

Do one thing that shows you’re listening. Your teen has asked you to stop doing something, calling them something, interacting with them in a certain way…do it. The best way to improve a relationship, any relationship is to listen and let the other person feel like what they said mattered; that they were heard. Do that and let your teen know you’re listening and in turn, you earn credit to have their behavior change as well.

Is My Daughter A Virgin?

teendoc — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 11:00:51 +0000

There is no exam for this. There is no real way for anyone to prove someone is or is not a virgin.

Despite this truth I am asked to do this exam a lot. More than you would think. More than I would think and when I ask parents, well did you ask your daughter? And what did she say? They say what the answer was and they don’t believe their teen. They found something or saw something or suspect something. The bottom line is I know immediately there is poor communication and whether this teen did something or not, they should not tell this parent. Yep! Ya heard me right. Don’t tell. It’s true life could be made worse by lying, but some parents have no ability to see gray. As in, yes you saw the text, but they didn’t do anything besides kiss them. This is too much to plant in this parents head and it can be blown out of proportion by the parent! I don’t think your teen should go crazy proving your theories right, but these misdemeanors that are normal teen behavior should just be kept to themselves and a trusted adult.

What an invasive thing to ask a clinician to do like check for a hymen or whether your daughter is sexually active. You want to know the answer…the real truth then you’re gonna have to work for it by forging a relationship with your teen. You’re going to have to stop accusing and suspecting and try giving your teen the benefit of the doubt and trusting what they say. Without that, they’re not gonna tell ya when they fart and left a room how much more if they’re sexually active.

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5 Things To Give Without Spending A Dime

teendoc — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 11:00:18 +0000

The economy sucks by the way. I’m not sure if you noticed. This makes it a great time to get back to basics; the actual spirit of the season. Here are five things you can give without spending a dime:

1. Help

There are so many ways your teen can lend a helping hand. This can be at a store when they see someone struggling with packages out the door, offering someone a ride or helping you out with a chore. There are so many ways your teen can help others that can seem like nothing and yet be as important as lending an ear to a stressed out friend or family member.

2. Hug

This may not sound like a very big deal, but I happen to think that when done sincerely a warm hug can be the best source of comfort you can offer someone. Sometimes there really are no words and just being there with a warm embrace can say all that needs to be said to let someone know you care and that should be a huge part of any season.

3. Written Word

Writing sometimes seems like a lost art since your teen can abbreviate so much with text and instant messaging, but taking the time to write a “Thank you” note or a letter to someone even if it is e-mailed can be a great way of letting your teen’s softer side show and letting you get a glimpse of how they really feel about you or someone else important in their lives.

4. Kindness

Kindness one of the forgotten arts because people forget in the bustle of making sure they get what they want. Being kind as in saving the last piece of chocolate cake for someone else, holding the door open or letting someone else go first. The smallest act of kindness has the potential to have a ripple effect on an entire community. Here’s for random acts of kindness all year long.

5. Validation

This is about acknowledging the awesome things someone does for you on the average or not so average day. Everyone wants to be validated and heard and acknowledged for being a presence in a life. Validation can be done with a random “Thank you” or a well-placed compliment.

It’s always the little things and these are five examples of what seem like the littlest things, but turn out to be very big things in the present and future relationships of your teen.

I Know You’re Disappointed

teendoc — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 11:00:27 +0000

The last thing your teen wants to do is disappoint you. True story.

Your teen feels bad when they disappoint you so when they do something that seems natural to them or part of who they naturally are becoming like not being inclined to excel at academics, not passing up the joint offered at the party or starting to have sex well, your disappointment is like a knife to their heart. Depending on how you follow up the initial surprise of the activity they’re either going to know you still trust them even though you don’t like their decision and would not have made that decision for them; or they‘ll know they have blown it and they can never win your trust or respect again.

Give them a graceful way back into your good graces and tone down on the disappointment. When your teen knows there’s still hope to regain your trust and respect while being who they are, they’re more likely to keep trying. Once they give up, it’s over.

Are Ya Listening?!

teendoc — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 11:00:26 +0000

Having a teen is about communication. How you communicate is an elemental part of the type of teen parent you are or become. A way to communicate better actually starts with the way you listen. Here’s what not to do:

1. Interrupt

This may sound obvious, but trying to listen while you’re attempting to correct everything someone is saying as in making sure they get the story right or at least right according to you isn’t listening. You aren’t listening to what they’re saying you’re editing what they’re saying. You’re listening to hear whether they got your story the way you want it. That doesn’t help communication.

2. Body Language

You want to look like you’re open to what the other person is saying and this means you want to look not just appear to be taking in what they’re saying. Things like crossing your arms or putting your hands on your hips don’t say I want to listen. They say, oooo I’m mad at you. By the way, don’t tap your foot either.

3. Reaction

Yeah, well I … if you start your part of the discussion with something entirely new instead of repeating what the other person just said or even better reacting to what they just said by saying something like Wow, that must have been horrible when you heard me say that, or you mean, when I said that it hurt your feelings? Did I get that right? If you start with something g that reflects your thinking of how the information affects you, then it doesn’t sound like you’re listening, it sounds like you’re making sure you’re alright not that you’re both alright and even better you’re both being heard.

Listening takes all your senses and is hard work, but if you take the time to listen, I know you’ll have a better relationship with your teen and it might help some other relationships in your life as well.