TheTeenDoc.com » Parenting

Teen Parenting Is Like Good Acting!

teendoc — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 11:00:59 +0000

Shake that one off! Being a good parent of a teen requires a certain degree of …acting!

I don’t mean pretend as in lie to your teen. They don’t need to develop a sense of mistrust when you are speaking, but more importantly learn how to control your reaction to what comes out of their mouth. And, a lot of stuff along the continuum of what you should and shouldn’t say to your parents frequently comes out of their mouth. A phrase comes to mind that I’m sure you’re familiar with, hmmm it sounds something like, what did you say?

Now, they know they have your attention because of what you’ve said.

To be the best or even good at something you have to practice. Practice letting it roll off you. This is not to say you shouldn’t care, this is just to say you shouldn’t make it so easy to get your goat all the time. Once you’ve practiced this enough we can move to the next stage, saying something that gets them to talk about what’s really bothering them instead of what gets your reaction.

Your Teen, Your Favorite Critic

teendoc — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 11:00:19 +0000

Don’t believe your critiques, but don’t believe your fans all the time either. It can all go to your head. You can ask any parent of a teen for confirmation on that.

It’s the best feeling when your teen snuggles up to you like a kitten getting their back rubbed and is sweet as honey. They frequently add something like “You’re the best!” Moments later they realize you didn’t do something they asked of you or you aren’t going to be able to afford the three thousand dollar prom dress and you are suddenly the worst Mom to ever walk the earth. No, you’re worse than that.

The pit of your stomach is deep and you feel like you’re on a roller coaster except your ride lasts years instead of the barely enjoyable two minutes that you waited an hour for. Now, you have options here. You could get cynical about all the purring and always ask what they’re after when they purr, or you could soak it up when you get it and miss it when it’s not there. You could do this to the point that you become a victim to the mood of your teen.

How ‘bout a happy medium? When you hear the great news know there is an element of truth in it and when you hear the bad news, know there’s a little bit of truth in that too. No one’s great all the time. So take both points of view with a grain of salt and know that you’re somewhere in the middle and that’s a great start. The rest is about not rolling with the roller coaster of love hate from your teen and staying rational when they love you and when they say they hate you.

Everyone’s a Critic

Experience: A Teen’s Mentor

teendoc — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 11:00:37 +0000

Who’s the best teacher? Mom? Dad? A teacher or coach? Sure, to some degree they’re all great teachers, but hands down there’s nothing like experience.

They say experience is the best teacher and that’s for a reason…many teens aren’t going to listen to an authority figure. Yes, they’re a little more open when there’re serious consequences or you’re an established expert A.K.A someone they trust, but if you think about it, when you were a teen did you learn because someone told you it would be the death of you or because you tried it and darn if they weren’t right you really can get pregnant the first time you have sex! I remind you of this not to say, you shouldn’t say anything to your teen, but because I don’t want you to get frustrated when it seems like they’re not listening to you or rolling their eyes saying “whatever MOM!” You have to let them have their process too. Not everyone learns the same way. Some are more short yellow bus people and some people are so cool they get a ride from the friend who has not just a car, but a sports car. What’re ya gonna do? This is why patience is so important.

Help your teen learn life’s lessons, but not by helping them avoid them, but by understanding this is their way of learning them. This way when they learn the lesson it’s less of an I told ya so and more of a tell me what ya learned from that one?

A Controlling Teen

teendoc — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 11:00:13 +0000

If you have a teen that is running the household as in actually telling you what to do then you need to go find your backbone in the garage with your eighties shoulder padded chiffon blouse.

No teen wants to be in control. It’s not in their nature. It isn’t how teens are built. They’ll do it if they have to and some teens will even excel at it because they have a natural talent for creating order, but no teen wants to be head of the household. The extreme example of this is what you see in South Africa if you are paying attention. These teens and tweens have had to raise siblings because their parents died of AIDS. If you ask them, they prefer to be in school with no responsibility other than doing well in their studies. If your teen is in control, it is because they saw that you weren’t and wanted to see how far they could push you before you found your backbone. If you haven’t found it by the time they’re in the middle teen years, you are both going to be in such a habit formed pattern that you will continue what you know only because that is ALL you know.

No teen wants to be in control. They want to have parents they love and respect and who love and respect them back. They want to have parents they can depend on to love them, discipline them and hold them accountable no matter what you’ve heard on the latest talk show.

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The Teen Chat

teendoc — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 11:00:08 +0000

You know that feeling you get when your boss wants to chat with you on a Monday morning? That’s the same one your teen can feel when you suddenly walk in to have a chat with them. Know why?

They get this feeling for the same reason you get this feeling; You know your boss is too busy or too “bossy” to just come down and have a happy chat about what you did over the weekend so any “chat” they want to have is about something related to the job. So having a chat with your boss isn’t associated with anything positive. Sure your boss could do away with this association by chatting you up more about nonwork issues or coming down to tell you something you did great, but how many people are really that chummy with their boss? How many teens are that chummy with their parents? Well there’re certainly more teens that are chummy with their parents, but if you only want a sit down chat when you have a problem with your teen then when you want to chat, they’re going to think what did I do now? So they’re going to be anxious no matter what the chat is about.

Your teen is not your boss. Chat ‘em up. Get to know other things about them and talk to them about all things so when something that is behavioral comes up, it doesn’t stand out so badly it creates a feeling of panic just because you want to chat with them.

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Teen Parent Fine Print

teendoc — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 11:00:38 +0000

You didn’t realize this, but you signed a contract when you decided to have your teen all those years ago. Just in case you missed it because you were so blissfully happy they were born healthy and smelled of baby smell, I have cut and paste it here for you to read carefully now that there isn’t a watermelon coming through your vagina. And so you dont have to get your glasses, I enlarged the print.

“All births are final with no ability to submit request for extended warrantee on baby that grows up to be a defiant teen. Offer may be subject to terms and conditions of the genetic background and environment the baby is exposed to. There is limited time to expose the baby to new and outstanding things before they will no longer seem to be listening to most of what you say. Developing teen will find you annoying at times and irritating at others. You are not to become distracted by this given your parent wrote this into your baby contract when you were acting out much to their dismay at nine years old! (What goes around comes around) Teen may intermittently want you to treat them like a grown up with a fully developed brain while asking you to tuck them in at night or let them sleep with you because they saw a scary movie. Your teen at some point will be in a room with people who are drunk or stoned and understand that it does not mean your teen is drunk or stoned. Someone will want to put their hand up their shirt or down their pants and although you will be morally opposed to this you will sanction it along with poking holes in condoms and diaphragms when YOU are ready to be a grandparent. By accepting this child you accept the terms and conditions of this fine print not to truly understand its terms or conditions until your baby ah-hem teen has left the house and is on their own and you know that despite all the ups and downs they made it to adulthood. There is no expiration date on this fine print as you will find that no matter how old your teen becomes when they’re with you they’re almost always still your baby and seem to fall into that role whether they come visit you with their family or for a short visit from college. Whew!”

Enjoy your teen!

Got Teen Stress?

teendoc — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 11:00:11 +0000

You know that freak out thing your teen does when you ask a simple question and they start yelling and waving their hands and ranting about how you always do this and why cant you do that because it’s so obvious they’re in the middle of …

That’s a stressed teen. Sure it’s called being a teen and you may excuse it as such, but this is also a teen with a lot on their plate. They don’t handle stress any better than you do when someone is asking for this and your husband wants sex and the taxes are due and you just realized there’s a leak in the roof. Calgon doesn’t actually take you away. You end up sitting there having to deal with all the stress. Well, so does your teen except your teen has limited coping skills and they lack the authority to blow off some of your requests like chores and socializing with the family.

The irritability that comes with a teen that is an overachiever or an underachiever that is stressed about not achieving is palpable and it makes everyone in the house on edge. Offer any way you can help like snacks or errands, offer a break on some chores when projects or important meets are around the corner and when things calm down point out or teach them better coping skills so they can get through those times a wee bit nicer.

Your Teen Needs Help

teendoc — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 11:00:20 +0000

Help?!!!! Unless your teen has a large building crushing their body, you may never really hear these words.

I’m not talking about a whiny teen who is nagging for you to do what they should be doing. I’m talking about the teen who doesn’t want to ask for help for fear it makes them look weak. Asking for help can not only be a sign of their weakness where you’re concerned, but it can also be an opportunity to be rejected. What if they ask for help and trust someone enough to depend on them and that person doesn’t come through for them? What if that person drops the ball? The lesson is don’t trust anyone and do it yourself. Getting a request of help from this teen will be almost impossible in the future.

Experiences shape who we become as adults and this is obviously no different for your teen. If you constantly remind your teen that you’re there to help and in their time of need don’t or can’t follow through on your offer, the lesson although not intended is clear-trust no one. It can take a lifetime to reverse this type of disappointment. When you say you will be there, be there.

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Here, You Need A Breath Mint

teendoc — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 11:00:03 +0000

There’s that moment when you get in close to kiss someone and the birds are floating around your head and then you smell it, their breath. Ugh!

This is one example of things that involve such great tact and what grownups like to call maturity. What do you do? What do you say? How are you seriously gonna kiss this person and call it the best kiss ever? If you end up marrying this person this isn’t a onetime suck it up moment, this is a life sentence of bad breath and bad kisses! What do you tell your teen about honesty and caring when this same situation is the spinach on your bosses tooth or the toilet paper on the bottom of your colleague’s shoe, or the tear in the back zipper of your kid’s principal’s skirt. What do you do? What do you say?

I’m not saying there’s an easy answer or that you should be painfully honest all the time, what I am asking you to consider is these situations also happen at home and sometimes the person your teen wants to be honest with is you. And, I’m asking you to consider how you would take someone offering you the breath mint.

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A Short “To Do” List For 2012

teendoc — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 11:00:37 +0000

This is a short list of three things you can do differently to improve communication and your relationship with your teen. Ready?

1. Believe what they say

I know there’s the old joke how do you know a teen is lying…their mouth is moving. Har har har, but try and give them the benefit of the doubt. Are you sexually active? No. Okay. Are you doing drugs? No. Okay. Did you do your HW? Yes. Okay. Only you know the kind of parent you are, but if you’re someone who never trusts what your teen says without having reason to not trust them. This means there’s no proof or history of that behavior then you have to turn over a new leaf. You have to start trusting your teen with something or about something.

2. Challenge your teen

Challenge them with a responsibility they have been asking for that you did not previously want to give them. Let them try and prove they can or verify can’t do it. But they’ll never know if they don’t try and guess what? Neither will you. If they fail they’ll stop asking and if they succeed you can give them more responsibility.

3. Listen

Do one thing that shows you’re listening. Your teen has asked you to stop doing something, calling them something, interacting with them in a certain way…do it. The best way to improve a relationship, any relationship is to listen and let the other person feel like what they said mattered; that they were heard. Do that and let your teen know you’re listening and in turn, you earn credit to have their behavior change as well.