TheTeenDoc.com » Parenting

Relationship Patterns

teendoc — Mon, 14 May 2012 10:00:08 +0000

Why is it so hard for a long distance relationship to work? Patterns. The distance doesn’t allow your teen to see the patterns that teach them how to deal with that person.

Patterns or the occurrence of one person having a behavior and the other person learning what that behavior means can really only occur through constant and repeated contact with someone. Something happens and your teen tells them the comment hurt their feelings. If they care enough about the relationship then they try and remember not to react that way again. They learn the way your teen would like them to react when they do that. This is similar with you and your teen not just romantic relationships. You start to relearn who your child is as a teen. Your reaction to certain behaviors hopefully changes based on their feedback. This is something that can’t happen efficiently if you don’t have a good relationship with your teen; you have minimal interaction with your teen, or there is too much conflict to ever have any interaction as in the “silent treatment.”

Patterns are there to teach you how to parent your teen, but you have to be willing to endure the difficulty of the interaction so you can learn how to handle it better next time. In doing so, you teach your teen how to handle their future partner’s behavior when they start to interact more with you and the world around them through romantic and intimate relationships.

Dating As A Single Teen Parent

teendoc — Tue, 27 Mar 2012 10:00:45 +0000

You’re a divorced parent that’s dating and things are good enough except your teen is going bananas with the attitude.

You can’t underestimate the bond your teen has with you as a single parent; talk about your “BFF.” If you’re one of those single parents that has a very close relationship with your teen then you may notice a bit of attitude when someone new is in the picture. If you were in a hurry you could call it jealousy, but it’s more than that. The connection you have with your teen can feel replaced by your new love interest if you spend time with them without your teen. Let’s face it, in order to nurture a new romance this is what’s required but, don’t forget your teen.

Your teen is like the jilted ex in this situation; replaced for a new model. You may not mean it that way, but it’s the same feeling the two year old has when they see you’ve brought home another one of them. They’re thinking what? I wasn’t enough to make you happy? What’d I do? I thought we were good. Oh man I have to share now?!

Fighting With Your Teen

teendoc — Mon, 26 Mar 2012 10:00:40 +0000

“I think my parents aren’t the right parents for me. Otherwise, they’re okay.”

Parenting from your teen’s perspective can be so informative. I know you may think they’re too young to have a true idea of what needs to happen, but every once in a while ask them for a grade on how you’re doing. Get a sense of how well they think you’re doing. It can help you pinpoint the changes that can calm the fighting in your home. Sure, it might be your style, or a personality mismatch, but sometimes it’s the realization that you’re trying to parent them in a way that doesn’t fit their personality. In essence you become parents that aren’t a good fit for your teen. That is, until you change.

As teens start to find their own way they start to form their own way. This way might not be yours. If they procrastinate then you might have to let that go that you’re more type A. If they’re meticulous about their space and things then let them do their own laundry because you don’t do it well enough for them. When you fight with your teen, make it worth your while and learn something from the fight that makes your relationship better. Otherwise, you’re just fighting and that’s no fun at all.

Rihanna’s Fighting Words

Your Teen’s Expectations

teendoc — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 10:00:11 +0000

There are expectations that your teen thinks they’re supposed to meet. They should do this or they should look like that. It can be overwhelming at times.

The expectation of what they think they’re supposed to do when they start to develop who they are is what others think of them. Your teen’s sense of self begins by their best guess about what others think of them and what others think they should do. They do this so they can be accepted. This acceptance gives them value. If your teen never grows out of that outside acceptance being more important in their process of acceptance, life is a bit more stressful.

What your teen is supposed to do is follow their own heart and learn how to accept themselves for who they are in their own very unique way. Now that, takes a lot of patience.

Teen Tough Love

teendoc — Wed, 21 Mar 2012 10:00:33 +0000

The toughest decision you have to make about your teen is whether to override their sense of free will; to take their power away to make choices for themselves.

You do this with grounding or other disciplinary action and it can be hard to make the decision sometimes no matter how much of a hard a@# you consider yourself; seeing your teen miserable is not fun. This is why it’s important to think of your teen as a middle aged person STILL doing unbecoming behavior because thinking of your teen as forty and STILL doing this behavior will help you do what you need to do.

Whether it’s an eating disorder, drug use or just being downright selfish, making the tough decisions like hospitalization, rehab and not feeding into all their desires is the best gift you can give whether you call it tough love or just plain ol’ love.

The Teen A-ha Moment

teendoc — Mon, 19 Mar 2012 10:00:44 +0000

Waiting for the click. The a-ha moment when the brain gets what it’s supposed to do.

This moment is priceless. Not everyone gets it early and some never get it all. The brain has its own way of making connections that finally get that the sounds of the alphabet allow you to read, the drunk walk of toddlerhood can evolve into a run and repeated counting on fingers allows memorization of math facts. Something one day clicks and all that you and others who love them have been saying makes sense and they get it.

The patience, the patience involved with waiting for this moment can drive a parent crazy. It’s worth the wait when it happens though and that’s why being the parent of a struggling teen is so tough, but can pay off in spades if you can wait for those moments.

Know What Your Teen Remembers?

teendoc — Fri, 16 Mar 2012 11:00:03 +0000

Some of the earliest memories we have are at four or five years old. What does your teen remember?

The thing about moments is that you don’t know you’re creating one. You live your life and things distract you or you say things mindlessly and your teen remembers that. Sometimes they’re funny and they’re the stuff of legendary stories in your family and sometimes they’re the things that bring tears to everyone’s face that aren’t always tears of joy.

It helps if you are present. It helps if you live like you don’t have the next one minute. Because even if you don’t know this moment will be embossed in your teen’s brain forever, you have a sense that you took the time to be present and take everything in. You may remember things differently from your teen, but you’ll agree that something happened and you will undoubtedly be able to share that moment.

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How To Change Your Teen

teendoc — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 11:00:41 +0000

A hard life lesson is how much you cannot change someone. I’m gonna say this again for emphasis.

You can’t change anyone.

You can inspire them to change and you can certainly support them through their change, but you cannot change anyone.

Teens have an excuse because they don’t really understand this concept yet, but you? You? You’re an adult and you should know better. Just because you’re their parent doesn’t mean you can make them change who they are. You have to work with the difference and not think you can bend it like superman with the metal in his hands.

So many women in their thirties, forties and fifties finally admit defeat and divorce husbands they thought they could love enough to change. It’s not different with your teen. They were born that way. Inspire them, but don’t expect them to change until they’re ready.

You Don’t Get It…Sometimes Parents Don’t Understand

teendoc — Wed, 14 Mar 2012 11:00:57 +0000

Sometimes your teen is right. You don’t get it.

For example take the teen that has difficult periods or menstrual cycles. They can’t get out of bed and they can’t function. They either miss school or activities or they ask you to pick them up when they have done as much as they can do for the day.

Your doctor offers you birth control as a way to improve the cramps, lighten the bleeding, help the acne and backne* your teen struggles with, help stabilize their moodiness that precedes their period not to mention help regulate her periods. They offer you this manna from heaven if you will and you say…

Birth control?! I’m not giving my daughter birth control!

You don’t get it. The benefits outweigh the myth and stereotype of using the birth control to help your daughter attend school more regularly. You’re stuck on the words Birth Control. Let me do you a favor and call it hormone manipulation. How’s that? Better?

*Backne – acne on the back

Your Teen Loves You, But Like You?

teendoc — Tue, 13 Mar 2012 11:00:46 +0000

I love my Dad, but I don’t like my Dad.

Do you know the difference?

Here’s the thing. By the time your teen is over the hump of being a teen (e.g. 15 or 16 years old), they’re going to have met a lot of adults. By the time, they get to this age they’re going to be able to start comparing you to other adults and they’re going to start to figure out how normal you really are. You’ll end up with a distinguished honor, an absolute sucks or somewhere in the middle.

This has nothing to do with loving you. This is a like issue.

They don’t mean that they wouldn’t be sad if you died or if you left, but it means they can see your faults and not that we don’t all have ‘em, but they’re going to figure out how you work and how you work with others and you’ll end up likable or not. They’ll figure out there was a better way to do things, or say things and that they deserved more patience or more structure in their lives. They’ll figure out that its possible you didn’t really want to be a parent, why you aren’t a good one and even dare I say that you shouldn’t have been one. They’ll even figure out whether you like them.

Every time you compare your teen to someone else, think about that. Are you as likable as you are lovable?

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