TheTeenDoc.com » Sexual Orientation

I’m Gay But…I’m Just Like You

Kemi — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 11:30:46 +0000

The comedian Dennis Miller has this joke, “Why hate you for being of a certain race, there are so many other reasons to hate you.” True in general we want to try and spread the love and not the hate, but he makes a good point about the heterogeneity or diversity within ethnic groups. The diversity within any group is never represented by the stereotypes portrayed in the media.

One group that this specifically pertains to is the LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender) group. There are many representations of the hilarious effeminate Gay man in movies or the sassy Lesbian in a sitcom. The message can be that all Gay men are, or all Lesbians are, but if you belong to any ethnic group hell, if you belong to any group. You know how different you are than the others in your group.

If you have a teen that is in this other group, this type of judgment is difficult to bear because other is you. The type of rejection for being different is at the core of what teens are trying to avoid. Teens want to be the same as everyone. They don’t want to stand out. For some, their sense of self is too fragile to give voice to who they really are.

However, if you can look past the label what we often find is that we are the same more than we are different. So there is the Gay man who is into football and the Black woman who is the staunch republican conservative. It takes them all to make the world go round.

It is easy to forget that when you are laughing at the caricature in the media, but as parents it is important to remember that you are responsible for the image your teen has of others and in doing so you help them know that you will respect their differences as well. This is the process that allows your teen to confide in you and allows you to influence your teen in the positive ways you desire. In this way, you spread a little love around too. Trust me, this will not be the reason people will hate you and that’s a good thing.

I Think My Teen Is Gay

Kemi — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 11:45:41 +0000

Your son doesn’t seem to like sports and spends a lot of time to himself. He doesn’t seem to show any interest in dating any gender how much more the opposite gender. You start to wonder if your teen is gay.

What do you do? You can confront your teen and force them to tell you, but they can deny, deny, deny they are gay. Your teen is trying to figure out who they are. I’ve referred to this before as identity development. Teens develop their identity in several ways (e.g. morally, ethnically, sexually, etc.). This process must go at your teen’s pace. This is crucial especially as more and more young teens are recognizing and becoming comfortable with their sexual orientation before their parent’s have ever given it a thought.

Your teen should be allowed to “come out” or reveal their sexual identity to you. This process should be done on their terms, but this doesn’t mean that there aren’t things you can do to help this process along.

Language: make it clear that you are supportive of different types of people. This alone will set the stage for your teen to believe that you are open to the thought of whoever they might become.

Family: if there is a gay relative that has been ostracized, and if you’ve been part of that ostracizing, you might want to reconsider this family member’s relationship with your family and bring them back into the fold.

Actions: There have been a lot of discussions, marches and measures on the ballot that give you an opportunity as a parent to voice your opinion on gay issues. When you do, you might want to do so as if you were potentially voting for your own teen’s rights.

Sometimes parents are so anxious about their teen being gay, they use abusive language to scare their teen into rethinking this lifestyle. Unfortunately for these parents, this does not work. Your teen is most likely to be happy when you support them in becoming their authentic self. Their true self irrespective of who that is. Don’t make your issues your teen’s issues. They have enough going on in their journey to adulthood.

Gay Teen: A Parent Introductory Guide

Kemi — Fri, 04 Sep 2009 12:11:07 +0000

What does it mean when your teen tells you they’re gay? If you’re like any other parent, you’re going to have questions like, “Well, how do you know you’re gay?” “How will you have a family?” and “What about your safety?” or you may just deny it and be very angry.

If your teen has told you they’re gay, one thing you should know is it takes the courage of a lion tamer to get that far. They have an idea of your views on homosexuality and depending on what they’ve heard you and family members say when they were younger, the desire to keep their sexuality to themselves is strong. At the same time, their desire to share who they really are and be honest with you is a driving force that compels them to endure this potentially painful process.

What is Gay?

Gay is having an emotional and physical attraction to someone of the same-sex. Although Gay once meant same-sex attraction between men it has been used by the mainstream to define any homosexual relationship. Lesbian defines a same-sex relationship between women. As an all inclusive term people say LGBTQ or Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Questioning.

The stages of homosexual identity development

There are four stages of gay or homosexual identity development according to research done by Troiden in the mid-eighties. They are:

1. Sensitization – This happens at a very young age, early childhood (ages 6-8 years). Here, your child knows they are different. They aren’t always clear as to what that difference is, but they know that something about them sets them apart from their peers and this may make them feel like they don’t fit in.

2. Identity Confusion– This age is pre-teen or teen (ages 9-14 years). There may be same-sex feelings, but this is common in this age group, so it’s not always clear they are gay when this stage is taken out of context of the other stages. These feelings of excitement towards same-sex peers may cause avoidance and denial for your pre-teen or teen.

You can sometimes see very high-risk behavior by a teen that is in such denial that they act out by being heterosexually promiscuous or subverting these feelings with drugs and alcohol and in the worst case scenarios harm themselves with eating disorders, depression and associated cutting or suicide.

3. Identity Assumption – This age is the middle teen years (15-17 years) and can involve taking on a gay identity and experimenting with gay culture and their sexuality.

4. Commitment – This age is the late teen years (over 18 years). There is a gay identity, or coming out to at least some in their social circle and this acceptance leads to an emotional and physical gay relationship.

The stages of development are not always linear meaning they do not always follow this order and do not always occur at these ages, but around these ages. Also, depending on the people in their social group your teen may chose to come out to certain friends that are safe while remaining in the closet (keep their gay identity secret) with extended family, school or work. They may repeat stages if, they start all over in a community that doesn’t know they’re gay.

These developmental stages are occurring to some degree earlier for today’s teens that are much more sophisticated and open-minded than the teens developing in Troiden’s time or earlier. When these teen’s development isn’t allowed to occur because a teen must hide who they are to their parents or their community these stages are either placed on hold and revealed when the time is safe e.g. moving out of the home or running away, they can occur at a later stage in life, or they can be expressed covertly through internet and potentially dangerous outlets like prostitution.

Homophobia

Even if these teens are brave enough to come out to family or friends, they are part of a group that is vulnerable to physical and verbal harassment at school, their community and home. They face the risk of being ostracized from their religion and other social groups of potential support like sports teams and volunteer activities.

With all these possible risks associated with coming out, the majority of teens who come out do well. They’re happy, earn good grades, they’re on the yearbook committee, go to college, get jobs and have families. They’re happy. For those who don’t, we have the power to change that by creating a more open society in which they can exist.

Resources:

Hotlines:

Trevor Helpline : 800.850.8078 (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual & Transgender youth in crisis)
Gay Teen Crisis Line: 800.347.TEEN (8336)
California Youth Crisis Line: 800.843.5200 (24-hour crisis counseling, information and referrals for youth and families)

Books:

“Free Your Mind,” by Ellen Bass – Discusses coming out and support
“My Child is Gay,” by Bryce McDougall – Discusses coming out and support for families
“Original Coming Out Stories,” by Julia Penelope – Discusses coming out and support, queer women, queer history, and general diversity issues.
“What if Someone I know is Gay?” By Eric Marcus – Discusses coming out and support

Online help:

PFLAG - parent and extended family support
Gay-Straight Alliance Network - Coming out and support, academics and career, activism and politics.

Gay Teen Pride!

Kemi — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 17:59:33 +0000

Show your colors! Gay pride parades have been an annual celebration of pride since 1969 when the first gay pride parade was organized to protest Stonewall in New York City. Since then parades are organized all over the world to celebrate diversity and pride in gay life. Yesterday was the 2009 Gay Pride Parade in San Francisco, CA and brought Gay and Gay supporters together to celebrate.

This is an important event certainly for the adults who participate, but possibly more important for teens who have the opportunity to participate and/or watch the parade. It is a great opportunity to see others who are Gay and be in an environment that is supportive. For teens struggling with their sexual identity, this is an opportunity to watch, ask questions and get answers.

Most Gay adults if asked when they knew they were gay will answer, “I knew I was different when I was in first grade if not before.” Years ago a study revealed that this is exactly when gay teens are most likely to have a sense that they are different. They have years to think about this fact while they watch parents and extended family react to events like Gay Pride Parades and political debates like California’s Proposition 8 or Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. I wrote a blog entry about this earlier.

They watch you view Lt. Dan Choi on MSNBC discuss how he was fired not becaused he failed to do his job, but because he is Gay. These messages are confusing to anyone who knows the U.S. pledge of allegiance…”Liberty and justice for all,” but especially for a teen who understands that being Gay is not accepted in my home and I need to stay here for the next few years to finish High School. Can you imagine lying to those who love you the most so that you can be provided for? Can you imagine what this must do to their sense of feeling okay or normal?

Gay Pride Parades are an opportunity to help parents and teens talk about gay issues and unknowingly tell your teen that they are okay. Show them through your actions that if they were to come out to you that you would love them no matter what even though understandably it may take you time to get used to the idea. After all, they have had years to get used to the concept. Let them know they can be who they are and who they are is okay. What more is any teen looking for from their loved ones?

Have you had to deal with a situation like this one in your family. If you have a story like this one please let me know, I would love to hear it.

Challenging the Same-Sex Marriage Ban, Who Knew Iowa would be the Cool State?

Kemi — Tue, 26 May 2009 22:19:18 +0000

Today, the California Supreme Court decided to uphold the vote on proposition 8 to ban same –sex marriage. They did approve that the 18, 000 marriages that were performed remain legal. Whether you support or oppose gay marriage, what can be agreed upon is that both sides are passionate about the issue.

It seemed like when birth control and the Sixties Love Fest began people were thinking, “What about the children?” And when this topic first came up, I immediately wondered,”what it would do for the gay teens and their parents that I see in my clinic to know that they could get married?” You see, this populations of teens, gay teens, are in the difficult position of having to pretend they are something else, heterosexual, in order to make others more comfortable. No parent gives birth thinking their child might be Gay and even if they are understanding and open minded, they may make negative comments about gays.

Teens are smart and they know the expectations of their parents and their community. The discomfort of pretending to be what your parents want and not what you are has caused stress in this teen population like depression, substance use, school failure and drop out, and suicide. Among non-gay teens suicide is the third leading cause of death, this number has been higher in gay teens. Gay teens have a higher chance of being bullied or teased in school, they are more at risk of abuse in their homes and they have a higher chance of dropping out of school because, who wants to attend school when you are picked on and beat up every day.

There are opinions about what marriage should be and what the image on the cake should look like, but if you consider that when gay teens are in a home and school where they are supported, loved and given appropriate discipline, they end up being like every other teen they attend school with, normal.

Parents who discover their teen is gay mourn what they thought their teen would have a family, a career, and no safety concerns. However, if more states pass the same-sex marriage law, joining the ranks of Iowa, Maine and New Hampshire, parents are going to mourn less and realize that they can still dream about their teen’s wedding and family that they will have one day. These parents and the community will realize that when gay teens feel supported and loved you end up with, well, normal.