A Gay Teen Sex Talk? Yeah, it’s the same, but different and the key thing to know is…where it’s the same. 

When you figure out, or your teen tells you that they’re gay, there may be some concern about the way you’re supposed to deliver the good ole sex talk. Maybe you didn’t think of this because you weren’t really planning on a straight  sex talk either, but let me get your juices flowing on either talk especially where they’re the same.

They’re the same when it comes to falling in love with someone or trying to make the first experience one that isn’t built on a foundation of fantasy and Mr or Ms “Right,” but one where they can feel safe. Safety can refer to emotional safety or how much they can feel vulnerable with the other person, or physical safety. You should know that many prevention strategies are the same in terms of sexually transmitted diseases whether that’s via condoms or vaccines. The huge difference though is where I want you to check in with yourself.

The huge difference which can be mimicked in the straight sex talk if you are morally opposed to that too, is that you convey whether intentionally or not your personal negative feelings about the relationship. This is the foundation that you build this gay teen sex talk. If you can empathize with the emotional connection that both straight and gay teens are aiming for, this should be a piece of cake! Certainly easier than the heart break involved with either of these relationships.

Related posts:

1. Done The Sex Talk Yet?
2. 7 Myths About The Sex Talk With Your Teen
3. Teens Shouldn’t Have Sex

Can I change my teen’s sexual orientation if they aren’t completely an adult?

The short answer is no. Can someone change yours? Too much money and time has been spent on trying to do what is the equivalent of trying to make a Black person White or even ironically a straight person Gay. One of the reasons I write this blog is so you can understand how that request is interpreted by your teen. You’re thinking about your wants when you ask the question, but if you think of how your teen feels hearing the question you would know they understand that something is wrong with them and they’re not the teen you wanted. They understand that even though you won’t say it you may love them differently or maybe even not at all. They get that they have disappointed you with their choice and that in some way they’re not good enough for you. This in turn breaks their heart and breaks their spirit. They have just gathered the courage to tell you who they are and you told them indirectly well, I don’t want you to be who you are. I want you to be who I want you to be.

Your teen’s job is to figure out who they are. Once they do that, refrain from telling them to be someone else. It sets off a life of confusion and delays maturity while stripping them of their self-esteem. I know this was not your intention when you first laid eyes on them all those years ago.

Related posts:

1. Do You Love A Gay Teen?
2. Dont Ask Don’t Tell
3. Six Tween/Teen Do’s and Dont’s

Growing up with a certain view of the world can be a hard thing to break especially when it makes you choose between your religion and your teen.

This is especially challenging when your teen does something that challenges the teachings of that religion. Somehow parents whose children have committed a crime or stolen do not seem to have the burden of a parent whose teen is Gay. This is where parents question themselves and wonder what they did wrong or if they should associate with their teen because of their religious beliefs. No one can make you do something you don’t want to do, but when it comes down to it, I think everyone irrespective of religious belief is taught to show kindness and love towards others.

Why not start with your teen and why let a little matter of who they find attractive stop you from doing that to the best of your ability?

Related posts:

1. Your Teen’s First Real Love

It’s not clear whether teens know any more than adults when they’re in love, but what’s clear is that your teen is embarking on a journey of self discovery. This is challenging for any teen, but in particular for teens who identify as LGBTQ (Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender and Queer). Only eleven percent of teens are going to come out to parents that are overjoyed to find out their teen is Gay. The remainder is going to face some challenging times. These times involve a type of grieving process that buries the expectation of who you thought your teen would be as you face the reality of who your teen is telling you they are.

Coming out is difficult for your teen because they can tell what is a revelation for them will be met as bad news for you and this revelation, they fear,  may destroy the family. This makes them want to deny who they are as well. However, going back into the closet even at the cost of their family causes more pain for the teen in the long run. Arresting identity development causes extreme distress for teens and causes them to act out in very destructive ways e.g. depression, cutting, addiction disorders, school failure, running away, etc.

Even if you don’t think your teen really understands what they’re saying when they call themselves bisexual, it’s important to let them explore what that label means for them. If it’s not who they are then they’ll move on and if it is well then they will develop in a more healthy way knowing that you support them either way.

Whatever you do try and avoid invalidating who your teen has decided they are. The message from you becomes a complete denial of who they are, which can make your teen feel alone and desperate. Furthermore, your teen will cease to confide in you because you aren’t able to hear what they have to tell you.  Truth be told they may not know if they are really in love, but they know themselves. They know themselves better than you do. Give them the benefit of the doubt on this one.

Resoureces:
PFLAG

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One group that this specifically pertains to is the LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender) group. There are many representations of the hilarious effeminate Gay man in movies or the sassy Lesbian in a sitcom. The message can be that all Gay men are, or all Lesbians are, but if you belong to any ethnic group hell, if you belong to any group. You know how different you are than the others in your group.

If you have a teen that is in this other group, this type of judgment is difficult to bear because other is you. The type of rejection for being different is at the core of what teens are trying to avoid. Teens want to be the same as everyone. They don’t want to stand out. For some, their sense of self is too fragile to give voice to who they really are.

However, if you can look past the label what we often find is that we are the same more than we are different. So there is the Gay man who is into football and the Black woman who is the staunch republican conservative. It takes them all to make the world go round.

It is easy to forget that when you are laughing at the caricature in the media, but as parents it is important to remember that you are responsible for the image your teen has of others and in doing so you help them know that you will respect their differences as well. This is the process that allows your teen to confide in you and allows you to influence your teen in the positive ways you desire. In this way, you spread a little love around too. Trust me, this will not be the reason people will hate you and that’s a good thing.

Related posts:

1. Whatever YOU Want, Babe
2. Finding A Social Home Is A Teen Must

What do you do? You can confront your teen and force them to tell you, but they can deny, deny, deny they are gay.  Your teen is trying to figure out who they are. I’ve referred to this before as identity development. Teens develop their identity in several ways (e.g. morally, ethnically, sexually, etc.).  This process must go at your teen’s pace.  This is crucial especially as more and more young teens are recognizing and becoming comfortable with their sexual orientation before their parent’s have ever given it a thought.

Your teen should be allowed to “come out” or reveal their sexual identity to you. This process should be done on their terms, but this doesn’t mean that there aren’t things you can do to help this process along.

• Language: make it clear that you are supportive of different types of people. This alone will set the stage for your teen to believe that you are open to the thought of whoever they might become.

• Family: if there is a gay relative that has been ostracized, and if you’ve been part of that ostracizing, you might want to reconsider this family member’s relationship with your family and bring them back into the fold.

• Actions: There have been a lot of discussions, marches and measures on the ballot that give you an opportunity as a parent to voice your opinion on gay issues.  When you do, you might want to do so as if you were potentially voting for your own teen’s rights.

Sometimes parents are so anxious about their teen being gay, they use abusive language to scare their teen into rethinking this lifestyle. Unfortunately for these parents, this does not work. Your teen is most likely to be happy when you support them in becoming their authentic self. Their true self irrespective of who that is. Don’t make your issues your teen’s issues. They have enough going on in their journey to adulthood.

Related posts:

1. Gay Teen Sex Talk
2. Gay Teen Pride!
3. I’m Gay But…I’m Just Like You

If your teen has told you they’re gay, one thing you should know is it takes the courage of a lion tamer to get that far. They have an idea of your views on homosexuality and depending on what they’ve heard you and family members say when they were younger, the desire to keep their sexuality to themselves is strong. At the same time, their desire to share who they really are and be honest with you is a driving force that compels them to endure this potentially painful process.

What is Gay?

Gay is having an emotional and physical attraction to someone of the same-sex. Although Gay once meant same-sex attraction between men it has been used by the mainstream to define any homosexual relationship. Lesbian defines a same-sex relationship between women.  As an all inclusive term people say LGBTQ or Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Questioning.

The stages of homosexual identity development

There are four stages of gay or homosexual identity development according to research done by Troiden in the mid-eighties. They are:

1. Sensitization – This happens at a very young age, early childhood (ages 6-8 years). Here, your child knows they are different. They aren’t always clear as to what that difference is, but they know that something about them sets them apart from their peers and this may make them feel like they don’t fit in.

2. Identity Confusion– This age is pre-teen or teen (ages 9-14 years). There may be same-sex feelings, but this is common in this age group, so it’s not always clear they are gay when this stage is taken out of context of the other stages. These feelings of excitement towards same-sex peers may cause avoidance and denial for your pre-teen or teen.

You can sometimes see very high-risk behavior by a teen that is in such denial that they act out by being heterosexually promiscuous or subverting these feelings with drugs and alcohol and in the worst case scenarios harm themselves with eating disorders, depression and associated cutting or suicide.

3. Identity Assumption – This age is the middle teen years (15-17 years) and can involve taking on a gay identity and experimenting with gay culture and their sexuality.

4. Commitment – This age is the late teen years (over 18 years).  There is a gay identity, or coming out to at least some in their social circle and this acceptance leads to an emotional and physical gay relationship.

The stages of development are not always linear meaning they do not always follow this order and do not always occur at these ages, but around these ages. Also, depending on the people in their social group your teen may chose to come out to certain friends that are safe while remaining in the closet (keep their gay identity secret) with extended family, school or work. They may repeat stages if, they start all over in a community that doesn’t know they’re gay.

These developmental stages are occurring to some degree earlier for today’s teens that are much more sophisticated and open-minded than the teens developing in Troiden’s time or earlier. When these teen’s development isn’t allowed to occur because a teen must hide who they are to their parents or their community these stages are either placed on hold and revealed when the time is safe e.g. moving out of the home or running away, they can occur at a later stage in life, or they can be expressed covertly through internet and potentially dangerous outlets like prostitution.

Homophobia

Even if these teens are brave enough to come out to family or friends, they are part of a group that is vulnerable to physical and verbal harassment at school, their community and home. They face the risk of being ostracized from their religion and other social groups of potential support like sports teams and volunteer activities. 

With all these possible risks associated with coming out, the majority of teens who come out do well. They’re happy, earn good grades, they’re on the yearbook committee, go to college, get jobs and have families. They’re happy. For those who don’t, we have the power to change that by creating a more open society in which they can exist.

Resources:

Hotlines:

• Trevor Helpline : 800.850.8078 (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual & Transgender youth in crisis)
• Gay Teen Crisis Line: 800.347.TEEN (8336) 
• California Youth Crisis Line: 800.843.5200 (24-hour crisis counseling, information and referrals for youth and families)

 Books:

•  “Free Your Mind,” by Ellen Bass – Discusses coming out and support
• “My Child is Gay,” by Bryce McDougall – Discusses coming out and support for families
•  “Original Coming Out Stories,” by Julia Penelope – Discusses coming out and support, queer women, queer history, and general diversity issues.
• “What if Someone I know is Gay?” By Eric Marcus – Discusses coming out and support

Online help:

• PFLAG - parent and extended family support
•  Gay-Straight Alliance Network -  Coming out and support, academics and career, activism and politics.

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This is an important event certainly for the adults who participate, but possibly more important for teens who have the opportunity to participate and/or watch the parade. It is a great opportunity to see others who are Gay and be in an environment that is supportive. For teens struggling with their sexual identity, this is an opportunity to watch, ask questions and get answers.

Most Gay adults if asked when they knew they were gay will answer, “I knew I was different when I was in first grade if not before.” Years ago a study revealed that this is exactly when gay teens are most likely to have a sense that they are different. They have years to think about this fact while they watch parents and extended family react to events like Gay Pride Parades and political debates like California’s Proposition 8 or Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. I wrote a blog entry about this earlier.

They watch you view Lt. Dan Choi on MSNBC discuss how he was fired not becaused he failed to do his job, but because he is Gay. These messages are confusing to anyone who knows the U.S. pledge of allegiance…”Liberty and justice for all,” but especially for a teen who understands that being Gay is not accepted in my home and I need to stay here for the next few years to finish High School. Can you imagine lying to those who love you the most so that you can be provided for? Can you imagine what this must do to their sense of feeling okay or normal?

Gay Pride Parades are an opportunity to help parents and teens talk about gay issues and unknowingly tell your teen that they are okay. Show them through your actions that if they were to come out to you that you would love them no matter what even though understandably it may take you time to get used to the idea. After all, they have had years to get used to the concept. Let them know they can be who they are and who they are is okay. What more is any teen looking for from their loved ones?

Have you had to deal with a situation like this one in your family. If you have a story like this one please let me know, I would love to hear it.

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It seemed like when birth control and the Sixties Love Fest began people were thinking, “What about the children?” And when this topic first came up, I immediately wondered,”what it would do for the gay teens and their parents that I see in my clinic to know that they could get married?” You see, this populations of teens, gay teens, are in the difficult position of having to pretend they are something else, heterosexual, in order to make others more comfortable. No parent gives birth thinking their child might be Gay and even if they are understanding and open minded, they may make negative comments about gays.

Teens are smart and they know the expectations of their parents and their community. The discomfort of pretending to be what your parents want and not what you are has caused stress in this teen population like depression, substance use, school failure and drop out, and suicide. Among non-gay teens suicide is the third leading cause of death, this number has been higher in gay teens. Gay teens have a higher chance of being bullied or teased in school, they are more at risk of abuse in their homes and they have a higher chance of dropping out of school because, who wants to attend school when you are picked on and beat up every day.

There are opinions about what marriage should be and what the image on the cake should look like, but if you consider that when gay teens are in a home and school where they are supported, loved and given appropriate discipline, they end up being like every other teen they attend school with, normal.

Parents who discover their teen is gay mourn what they thought their teen would have a family, a career, and no safety concerns. However, if more states pass the same-sex marriage law, joining the ranks of Iowa, Maine and New Hampshire, parents are going to mourn less and realize that they can still dream about their teen’s wedding and family that they will have one day. These parents and the community will realize that when gay teens feel supported and loved you end up with, well, normal.

Related posts:

1. Gay Teen Sex Talk
2. Pressure To Be The Cool Parent?
3. Gay Teen Pride!