TheTeenDoc.com » Teen General Development

He Did It!

Kemi — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 11:00:18 +0000

An important dynamic that can occur in families is the “problem child.” This is the teen that always seem to be in trouble. The entire family seems to be stepping one foot back from this family member because they’re giving the family a “bad name.” In truth, this teen in the family has been shown to really be the town crier.

The town crier or the problem child is the teen who is more sensitive than others in the family and feels the family dynamic more personally. They’re not able to shrug it off and act as if nothing is wrong. They not only know something is wrong, but they want it fixed and the only way they know to do that is by behaving so outlandishly that they get help. When they get help, the family seems to get help.

This can be a hard thing to hear when you walk into a therapist’s office to “fix” your problem teen and end up having the therapist say to you, “Well, is there anything going on at home that would make them act that way?” It can seem like one of those cliché’s about therapy stemming from your bad mother. This is a myth and this revelation has nothing to do with mothers. It deals with the dynamics of family and how each member ends up having a role in the family that creates well, your family. Some are fine, but some are very toxic and cause maladaptive coping skills like class clown.

Knowing who your teen is can help you discern the difference between behaviors that are designed to make everything easy for everyone else and those that are designed to point the finger at them because they otherwise get no attention. If you yourself are a little distracted with marriage difficulty, health problems in the immediate or extended family or financial problems, you may be slow on the uptake and act unconsciously when the school says there is a problem, but if you can stop for a second and ask yourself about why your teen’s behavior may be a normal response to stress, you might even anticipate the call and get your family help before it is an unfixable problem.

Shouldn’t You Be Sleeping?

Kemi — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 11:00:07 +0000

A midnight bathroom run reveals your teen’s light is still on and you can hear the clicking of their cell phone as they text their way into the night. It finally dawns on you why your teen is always so tired even though they seem to be in bed on time. You think, “Darn, I really should’ve made that a phone rule before I got her the phone.”

Sleep is so important. Your teen should be getting on average nine to nine and a half hours of sleep daily. Your teen is going to have a tough time sleeping if the pre-bedtime conversation they had with you is rough and tumble how much more a conversation that may decide their social standing in school the next day. Their brain keeps thinking long after they’ve stopped texting making it difficult for them to fall asleep. This can add to the moodiness you get the next day.

It most certainly is a good idea to put this in the “Cell Phone Rules” before you get your teen a cell phone, but more importantly it is wise to consider rules for all types of social media before bedtime. Texting or IMing unlike walking in on your teen when a friend is visiting may not be very obvious to you so consider when approaching your teen, surveying their environment. When they seem distracted or particularly moody, don’t always take it personally, they may have some other social thing going on. If you think the time spent on the phone is creeping into important sleep or down time, add these rules to the preexisting “No texting at the table or in front of adults like grandma rules.” Remember some teens are good enough to text without even looking at their phone so a lot of “Hmmms” and “Uh-huhs” can mean they’re distracted.

Cells phones are an important communication device, but everything needs a limit. Being aware is one of the first things you can do to anticipate what might be a problem with your teen having a cell phone.

Your Teen Will Be Happy (Eminem’s Cinderella Man)

Kemi — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 11:00:41 +0000

All teens have their growing pains and some approach these challenges effortlessly while others wear their battle scars literally on their arms. When your teen emerges from whatever they have experienced as their struggle with who they are, it feels like a burden has been lifted. Finally coming to terms with who they are, feels like joy.

Eminem’s Cinderella Man

Feels Good
Guess Im lucky
some of us dont get a second chance
But I aint blowin this one
Naah man haha
s**t I feel like I can do anything now

These growing pains aren’t without their collateral damage. You are there for the ups and downs and can really take a beating. The emotional challenge of containing the roller coaster emotions of someone who is learning how to use their power is one of the most amazing things you will ever do. Your patience, understanding are nothing short of angelic. You contain it for your teen while moving all the fragile items from their path so they don’t hurt themselves too badly. However, when they are through, it is you they will remember as the rock upon which they could depend. This is all the difference in the world.

That boy’s hot enough to melt hell, burn Satan too
Fry his ass and put his ashes back together with glue
See you can hate him, he don’t blame you, frankly he would too
This game could ill afford to lose him, how bout you?

It is your love and support that creates the confidence of a teen now adult who knows who they are. That confidence allows them to make decisions that are based on having learned what works for them. They aren’t going to be mislead as easily as before because they will have figured out that lesson already. The difficult times become easier to get through because they have the knowledge that they have gotten through in the past and they have been stronger for it. Those difficult times are the gift that gives your teen resilience and without that they would crumble at the least of the challenges life presented. These challenges make them a survivor because what can you do to someone after they have been through some of the things that teens go through.

And at this stage in the game, mediocrity can no longer be allowed to fly
…S**t I ain’t even supposed to be here by the grace of God
the skin on my teeth and the hair on my nuts I skated by
Now ya’ll are on thin ice with ankle weights I hate to lie
how fuckin irritated are you? how much in your face am I?

Eminem knows he got a second chance and he says in the beginning of this song that he is going to make the most of it. Your teen gets this when they start each new stage of their life. They get to reinvent themselves with the previous lessons that have been learned. Your teen is smarter, better and hopefully settling for less chaos in their lives, allowing less mediocrity and setting their bar higher. This is the stuff that allows them to become the adult you hoped they would become. But without the past, without the pains of depression, loneliness, broken promises, hangovers, arguments and broken hearts your teen would be living a fantasy of what it was like to be a teen so despite this grief, it’s better to live through this than to have never lived at all. Without these difficult times, your teen could never develop the confidence to know they exist to do great things.

Your Teen Will Overcome (Eminem’s Not Afraid)

Kemi — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 11:00:08 +0000

Your teen has so many fears and worries. They are worried they won’t have friends, they won’t live up to your standards and disappoint you, they won’t meet their own goals, they won’t be somebody, anybody. They are worried they won’t be good enough.

Eminem’s Not Afraid
But I think I’m still tryna figure this crap out
Thought I had it mapped out but I guess I didn’t
This f**king black cloud’s still follows me around
But it’s time to exorcise these demons
These motherf**kers are doing jumping jacks now!

Your teen is learning pieces at a time how to be an adult: Relationships, financial concerns, personal concerns, physical concerns, and moral concerns all come to them a piece at a time like a puzzle that is formed one piece at a time. They are unable to see the big picture until they have enough pieces. If they have had a challenging home life or school life these pieces can be harder to come by. This can create doubt and more fear.

And I just can’t keep living this way
So starting today, I’m breaking out of this cage
I’m standing up, Imma face my demons
I’m manning up, Imma hold my ground
I’ve had enough, now I’m so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now

Sooner or later your teen will hopefully become bigger than their fear. They will want to overcome and move on more than remain stationary, paralyzed by their fear. They will take a risk and apply to that school, go out for that team, or select that major. They will have the courage to consider their true passion and go for it at any cost in the hopes of finding their happiness instead of letting anything about their history or circumstance hold them back, even if that person is you.
Cause the way I feel, I’m strong enough to go to the club
Or the corner pub and lift the whole liquor counter up
Cause I’m raising the bar, I shoot for the moon
But I’m too busy gazing at stars, I feel amazing and

[Chorus]
I’m not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We’ll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you’re not alone
Holla if you feel like you’ve been down the same road

When teens think more about what they are afraid to do than what they can do they are unmotivated to try anything for fear they will fail. Ultimately they need to learn to take a chance. They learn like Eminem must have in order to write this song to be unafraid of taking a stand for themselves, for their happiness despite the ups and downs. And although Eminem might not be the mentor you envisioned for your teen the thought that he represents someone or something that can help them along is awfully powerful. It gives teens the thought they aren’t alone in their fear and that there is hope. With hope, there is courage. With courage, there is less fear and then there is action. Now that’s enough to make a parent feel amazing!

Can I remove this mole?

Kemi — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 11:00:20 +0000

While your teen is growing up they want to be more like the teens around then rather than stick out. Call it human nature. They discover as they get older and out there in the real world that the thing that make them different often brings them the most reward.

When your teen looks at people that make the cover of magazines, they can forget the struggle they undergo to get there. Honestly, they probably don’t even consider the challenges and neither do most of the adults looking at the magazine either. Cindy Crawford in the Sports illustrated magazine swim edition was told her she would have to remove the mole in order to make it big in modeling. Jennifer Aniston was asked to alter her very Greek nose, but no one thinks about that when they see her on the cover of the magazine. Any magazine because Ms Anniston puts a lot of food on people’s tables just by letting people take her photograph getting a coffee at starbucks. When Seal first hit the top of the charts and you saw the cover of the CD, you noticed his scars on his face due to discoid lupus and then you heard his music. Surely someone asked him to airbrush the photo when they realized the undertaking of having to market this artist? Someone must have decided to use his hair.

These scars and features are the defining trademark of some of these artists. Without them, we could not so quickly remind someone of the guy who played Johnny Cash or sang “Kiss from a Rose.” The thing that separates your teen from others is the thing that allows your teen to be memorable. So if your teen has a special thing about them, the thing that makes them stand out, challenge them to live up to that difference by making their lives equally memorable. How else can you honor such a distinguishing mark?

But, I didn’t Get Caught

Kemi — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 11:00:44 +0000

There’re teens who think it’s about getting away with the crime and there’re teens that understand that just because they got away with it doesn’t mean you should of done it. Do you know which teen is yours?

This is an important distinction between two types of moral values in teens. Some teens understand they shouldn’t be doing a certain behavior and these are teens that can more or less regulate their own decisions. They know they shouldn’t be drinking because they’re underage so they opt to be the designated driver. This teen may take some risks, but they may not need to go absolutely crazy. You may find out about their risk taking when you two have coffee years later.

On the other hand there are teens who think that as long as no one finds out, then it’s ok. You always seem to be trying to catch them in the act. Instead of hiring a private investigator your energy may be better spent trying to get them to understand how their actions have a ripple effect. This is the key to gauging this teen’s understanding of what they’re doing. It is important they understand even when they get away with things the ripple effect still occurs. You cheat on an exam and it not only makes you look smarter than you are (they later flunk out of Harvard), but it ruins the curve for others who were better prepared to enter Harvard and meet its challenges. Your teen lies about being able to qualify for a certain discount and the business loses so much money they increase the fee for everyone else.

Part of developing a moral code of conduct is about understanding how your teen exists within the community. Your teen understanding their individual role within the community is what keeps the community safe. This is what makes it so important to get caught and even if they don’t get caught this is what makes it important that they get the lesson some other way and that lesson begins with what they witness in you, their parent.

The Difference between Cocky and Confidence

Kemi — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 11:00:44 +0000

“I don’t want to act like I’m too cocky.” This is why teens tell me they down play their strengths: grades, accomplishments like scholarships, awards, super duper wins in sports, weight loss or anything. They just don’t want to come off as cocky. They know some girl or guy who is cocky and they’re soooo annoying. These teens don’t know the difference between cocky and confident.

Cocky people are so annoying they’re arrogant and use their expertise to make people feel bad. They frequently have low self-esteem and improve their standing by making others feel like they know nothing. They make really bad teachers because no one wants to ask them a question and risk feeling bad when they already feel terrible about having to learn something new. It’s a humbling experience to ask for help and no one wants to ask for help when they have to endure humiliation too. This was the reason Janet Jackson gave for hating school, “I would be at the chalkboard and the teacher would make me stay up there until I got the answer and that was so awful. I’d be up there by myself.” A brilliant person who is cocky might as well stay home no one wants to approach them for help. No one wants to date this person because they’re always asking things like, “You don’t know that?” This person makes a bad parent because instead of nurturing their teen’s self esteem, curiosity and confidence to be daring they squash it with the air of required perfectionism and instilled inadequacy, and ultimately, raise someone with poor self-esteem like them.

We need confident people. People with low self-esteem make poor leaders because they’re so concerned with being liked that they don’t make decisions based on facts and expertise, but confident people know what they know and believe in themselves enough to make even tough decisions and more importantly they know what they don’t know and don’t mind asking questions. They don’t mind being humble because they know they win when others are the best they can be. They don’t sell themselves short because they know they do more good when they elevate those around them by setting a high standard. They inspire others who work with them. They make an amazing date because they are prepared and this comes off as thoughtful. They make amazing parents because they know their job is to nurture their teen’s talent rather than live vicariously through them.

The next time your teen undersells their achievements remind them that it does not help anyone when they act smaller than they actually are. Their confidence is required to have the courage to meet their goals because without their voice the cocky people win.

The “First Time” Break-up

Kemi — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 11:00:07 +0000

Your teen’s break-up from their first sexual experience is going to be very hard. Now break-ups are hard of course, but this will hold a unique place in their heart since they shared something special with this person they thought maybe they would love forever. Irrespective of your position on teen sexual activity, your teen will do better if you can help them get through this heart break. You will also be in a much better position to get help if they make the transition to depression or become suicidal.

What can you do:
1. Start talkin’. Ask why they aren’t mentioning someone’s name, or doing certain activities anymore. You can also just tell them they look sad or don’t seem their usual self to you and you’re worried about them.

2. Relationship deal breakers. Ask if something happened that was a distrust issue, did someone cheat or lie? You want to help your teen understand that this happens, but help sharpen their skills to choosing an even better partner next time and determining the things they will and will not put up with in a relationship.

3. Fine-tuning Selection Criteria. Ask if there was anything that made them feel uncomfortable about the person. They didn’t feel like the person gave as much to the relationship, or the other person wasn’t as considerate of their feelings. This type of break up is a great way to help your teen realize how much more mature they are becoming about having their needs met in a relationship. It also encourages fine tuning of selection criteria if this partner was chosen based on a superficial reason like they were popular or very cute.

4. Support. Ask if they have other friends to speak with as well. Your opinion on how great they are is going to be slightly biased. So make sure they have plenty of support and not just a parent that has undying and unconditional love for them.

5. Avoid remembering only good times. Asking about things that made the relationship difficult or ways the partner could have been even more perfect is a great way to gently get your teen to make a list of ways they will improve their next partner, get a sense of their true needs in a relationship and a way to begin to remember the negative things about the person that people tend to forget when their heart is broken. Their memory will be selective for the good times and forget the series of things that helped them realize that this was not the person for them. It is this list they should review, not the good times.

With all of this asking, there should be plenty of opportunity for your teen to talk. What is most important is that you not judge or offer your opinion too much. You want to use words that will keep them talking so as to make you more of a sounding board and less of an opinionated interviewer or worse parent. Once you can get them talking and reviewing their list of relationship flaws you will be in a better position to determine any transitions of heartache to depression or suicidal thoughts. You will be able to gently question their decision to make-up in an attempt to hold off on their heartache.

Heartache is part of the relationship life cycle. It never gets easier, but with a great support system your teen will get through and not just get through they can be smarter having learned something about themselves in the process rather than developing bitterness or anger about the process.

What A Difference A Teen Makes

Kemi — Fri, 02 Jul 2010 11:00:49 +0000

What can one person do? What can one teen do? Well a lot and never let them tell you otherwise. It seems that there are fabulous teens out there that are showing such initiative as to not wait until the world says they are old enough to do something great. They want to do something great now.

World Community Organizer

Youth Action International and PeaceForKids.Org were founded by Kimmie Weeks to give young people a chance to participate in pressing humanitarian problems around the world. Since its establishment, Youth Action International has raised thousands of dollars for humanitarian programs and Kimmie Weeks has been a huge activist for child soldiers and an inspiration to U.S. children. Kimmie has been working on projects for peace since he was 11 years old.

<Athletics
The video clip to the left includes two teens that accomplished great goals despite their physical disabilities. Ellie Simmons who is an Olympic swimmers and won two gold medals at Beijing. She has been honored by the queen and is the youngest person to have received that honor. In the last clip is Christopher who has become a well known talented illustrator and has been honored and met so many people as a result of his talent including having illustrated the queen.

Inventions

Andrew Sutherland is a student at Albany High School in Albany, California who upon having to learn 111 french animal names devised a computer program and website that takes the information that has to be learned and creates quizzes with the information. The site is called Quizlet. It creates flashcards to help the student study and then tests your knowledge creating new quizzes based on the students academic progress.

Nonprofit Organizations

Youth for Environmental Sanity was founded in 1990 by 16 year-old Ocean Robbins and 19 year-old Ryan Eliason to educate, inspire, and empower youth to join forces for social justice and environmental sanity. Since 1990, YES! has spoken in person to 620,000 students in school assemblies, held 83 week-long youth action training camps and hundreds of day-long workshops, and inspired the formation of more than 400 nonprofit clubs and organizations working for positive change. YES! supports youth committed to building a just and sustainable world, helping young changemakers to expand effectiveness, network with one another, and gain the support they’ll need for a lifetime of action. YES! alumni have persuaded schools and businesses to purchase recycled products, offer organic and vegetarian options in cafeterias, retrofit their lighting, and offer anti-prejudice trainings.

Teens are doing amazing things everyday. Maybe one of these teens will inspire your teen to do something great right now rather than waiting until they are an “adult.” Or, maybe your teen is already doing something out of this world, let me know your story!

The Difference between Cocky and Confidence

Learning By Osmosis

Kemi — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 11:00:44 +0000

In the film Karate Kid starring Jaden Smith as Dre, there is a scene where he is asked to take his jacket off, place it on a hook, take it off the hook then put the jacket on. He is asked to do this repeatedly. Dre thinks he is simply being punished and wants to learn kung fu. It isn’t until his teacher shows him another way to use what he has learned that Dre understands what he has learned. Likewise with your teen, there’re things you ask of them that will allow them to be more responsible in the “real” world.

1. Take care of yourself
Although the first instinct is that this is a selfish thing to do, when done correctly meaning not at the expense of others, it allows you to have the resolve to be there for others in full capacity. Understanding that you need your rest, you need to eat properly, you need to use the bathroom or go to your doctor visits allows your teen to take care of their “to do” list and then they can take care of others better than might otherwise happen if they had run themselves into the ground. You only teach your teen to value themselves less when you ignore your needs as a parent. Teach them by example rather than with 20/20 hind sight.

2. Take care of your relationships
When you take care of your relationships whether they’re your spouse, parent, extended family, friends or work related relationships, you are teaching your teen to develop a supportive social network. Partying and hanging out are fun for some time in your life, but at some point you want the friend you can call with your last quarter when you are in jail, your death bed, the one who you will ask to help take care of your children if something were to happen to you. It is these relationships that will challenge your teen to be better, and allow them to see themselves through as honest a mirror outside of themselves as possible.

3. Respect your parents
What you are teaching them is to respect authority. When they have a healthy respect for authority they are less likely to talk back to a police officer that might have let them off with a warning had they not starting mouthing off. It may also show remorse so that the officer believes it is unlike your teen rather than consistent with your teen’s behavior and therefore should be taught a lesson.

4. Share with your siblings
What you are teaching your teen to do is not be selfish and consider that there are other people in this world besides them. When they consider, I will not eat all the dessert because I don’t think my little brother is home yet and this is his favorite, they also consider I will not selfishly park in a disabled parking space for 5 minutes because I can walk and whoever this space is intended for cannot and that would not be very nice.

5. Clean your room
What you are really asking them to learn is to be organized. When you have an organized environment, which usually means clean space you can easily find things and this can save them from buying a new phone charger because you can’t find the old one, or more toothpaste because you misplaced the one you bought the last time you were at the store.

Your teen does a series of repetitive motions that teach them skills they don’t realize until one day it dawns on them that taking care of themselves although it seemed selfish allowed them to have more energy for other things and people, having good relationships around them gave them strength and support rather than drama and crisis, respecting authority while questioning it allowed them to get out of a bogus ticket, learning to share gave them a good feeling after a family of four thank them for their generosity and cleaning their space allowed them to save 50 percent off a previously purchased item because the store said they would refund money if the item went on sale within 2 weeks of purchase if they had a receipt. They won’t know until the lesson is required of them in a real life scenario so keep asking these things of them. They need the skill whether they realize they’re learning it or not.