TheTeenDoc.com » Young Adult

Experience: A Teen’s Mentor

teendoc — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 11:00:37 +0000

Who’s the best teacher? Mom? Dad? A teacher or coach? Sure, to some degree they’re all great teachers, but hands down there’s nothing like experience.

They say experience is the best teacher and that’s for a reason…many teens aren’t going to listen to an authority figure. Yes, they’re a little more open when there’re serious consequences or you’re an established expert A.K.A someone they trust, but if you think about it, when you were a teen did you learn because someone told you it would be the death of you or because you tried it and darn if they weren’t right you really can get pregnant the first time you have sex! I remind you of this not to say, you shouldn’t say anything to your teen, but because I don’t want you to get frustrated when it seems like they’re not listening to you or rolling their eyes saying “whatever MOM!” You have to let them have their process too. Not everyone learns the same way. Some are more short yellow bus people and some people are so cool they get a ride from the friend who has not just a car, but a sports car. What’re ya gonna do? This is why patience is so important.

Help your teen learn life’s lessons, but not by helping them avoid them, but by understanding this is their way of learning them. This way when they learn the lesson it’s less of an I told ya so and more of a tell me what ya learned from that one?

Teen Parent Fine Print

teendoc — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 11:00:38 +0000

You didn’t realize this, but you signed a contract when you decided to have your teen all those years ago. Just in case you missed it because you were so blissfully happy they were born healthy and smelled of baby smell, I have cut and paste it here for you to read carefully now that there isn’t a watermelon coming through your vagina. And so you dont have to get your glasses, I enlarged the print.

“All births are final with no ability to submit request for extended warrantee on baby that grows up to be a defiant teen. Offer may be subject to terms and conditions of the genetic background and environment the baby is exposed to. There is limited time to expose the baby to new and outstanding things before they will no longer seem to be listening to most of what you say. Developing teen will find you annoying at times and irritating at others. You are not to become distracted by this given your parent wrote this into your baby contract when you were acting out much to their dismay at nine years old! (What goes around comes around) Teen may intermittently want you to treat them like a grown up with a fully developed brain while asking you to tuck them in at night or let them sleep with you because they saw a scary movie. Your teen at some point will be in a room with people who are drunk or stoned and understand that it does not mean your teen is drunk or stoned. Someone will want to put their hand up their shirt or down their pants and although you will be morally opposed to this you will sanction it along with poking holes in condoms and diaphragms when YOU are ready to be a grandparent. By accepting this child you accept the terms and conditions of this fine print not to truly understand its terms or conditions until your baby ah-hem teen has left the house and is on their own and you know that despite all the ups and downs they made it to adulthood. There is no expiration date on this fine print as you will find that no matter how old your teen becomes when they’re with you they’re almost always still your baby and seem to fall into that role whether they come visit you with their family or for a short visit from college. Whew!”

Enjoy your teen!

Burnin’ Bridges

teendoc — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 11:00:32 +0000

The last interaction you had with someone was absolutely horrible. What’s the first thing you say the next time you see them?

For many teens they act like nothing happened, this may especially be the case for boys who feel the past is the past move on already! It’s just that behaviors tend to repeat themselves and this makes it hard to have good faith and trust in any relationship, how much more the person who can’t acknowledge their behavior at the last interaction by apologizing or admitting their wrong doing. How you leave a relationship or end a meeting is a calling card and without being aware of how your teen’s behavior affects others well, the calling card can burn a bridge. It can also ruin other opportunities with potential employers, friends or dates. Stuff gets around.

Remind your teen that how you leave a situation determines a great deal of how you can come back if you need to. Because sometimes life works out in odd ways just ask the chauffer who mercilessly tormented Chris Rock in high school and then ended up having him as a client. Yep! Be mindful of how you leave a situation, ya never know.

I Can’t Sleep

teendoc — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 11:00:04 +0000

I can’t sleep doc. I just lie there and eventually I fall asleep, but it takes awhile.

Of course there are tons of reasons that teens can’t fall asleep. The most common reason is their really poor sleep habits. They don’t get tired until after 10.30p, but they’re difficult to wake up because they really need nine to nine and a half hours of sleep and school tends to start at 7.30 or 8A. This alone can take its toll, if you add afternoon activities and a job or volunteer activity then it’s no wonder they can’t sleep.

Sometimes though, it’s their home life. They can’t sleep because they keep thinking about how to change it. They usually come up with getting out and they need a job to do that. They are constantly thinking about how to get away from the people they call family. This can happen if they have a less than stellar relationship with you or feel completely misunderstood or just devalued by you. It can be a very difficult thing to reason in your teen’s head why their parents aren’t what they’d hoped. This struggle about loving your parents but wanting to live your life a better way can create such an internal war for your teen that it keeps them up at night.

It’s hard to reach some parents who create this teen, but it is possible. As difficult as it is, it is possible you just need to be humble enough to consider that it might have been something you said or did that didn’t quite have the effect on your teen that you hoped instead of lifting them up, it broke them down.

Is There Anybody Out There?

teendoc — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 11:30:04 +0000

There is a moment that your teen will need you as if they were still a child, and you will not be there for them. For whatever reason, at that moment, your absence will mark for your teen the realization that they are alone in this world. This can be a very lonely and scary feeling if they fail to realize that you are still there, but in a different capacity.

This realization is scary and can overwhelm some teens to the point of depression and suicidal behavior. If they realize this is part of their journey to adulthood, they can use these feelings as an opportunity to separate from you and develop the confidence to make good choices. These are the teens who feel ready to march into adulthood.

If your teen steps too far from the shade of your guidance and is not ready, they will feel alone; but if they can step from your shade, make a few great decisions and look to see you standing there with pride and awe; their confidence about being on their own increases and they begin to look forward to becoming an adult. This is only done well with your guidance and willingness to let them go.

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5 Home For The Holidays Changes

teendoc — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 11:30:20 +0000

You’re excited to pick up your college freshman for the holidays. Still you can’t keep from wondering, “How have they changed after their first semester of college? Freshman ten, freshman maturity, freshman attitude?”

Although you grieve the loss of your teen when you drop them off at the airport or campus, when your college freshman returns, you’re going to notice how the dynamics between you two or more in the household have changed. Here are a few things that may throw things off:

1. Rules

Your college freshman has become accustomed to their own schedule and their own curfew. They are just getting started with plans as you get ready for bed. As stunned as you are that they think they’re leaving the house at 10P, they are equally stunned that you think you can give them a curfew after living as an adult for the past few months. Discuss curfews and check-ins before they become an issue.

2. Home Sweet Home

If you have the luxury of a large home you may have been able to leave their room the same, but if you need to use your space efficiently, their room might have changed into a younger sibling’s room, the sewing room or your new study. This can throw your college student off and make them feel like their home is no longer theirs. They may even be homesick for their dorm. This can be even harder if parents have separated or divorced while the teen has been at college.

3. Regression

Your teen may regress to their dependent self while under your roof despite being very competent and self-reliant at school. This can confuse and concern you giving you less confidence in your teen’s ability to survive at school. When in actuality, your teen has been very mature at school and needs an opportunity to decompress at home with Mom and Dad who have lots of hugs, kisses and coddling.

4. Judgment

Your teen after learning about social injustices and exposure to other lifestyles and beliefs may realize their impact on the world and. They may be judgmental about your political choices. Brace yourself, and smile. This is part of the process of developing their sense of self and it will demonstrate to you that they are truly experiencing all of what college has to offer.

5. Regret

Your teen may be miserable and absolutely hate college. They may discuss transferring schools and wonder, “Why didn’t I choose the other college? There are no cool people there. The school is in the middle of nowhere. I hate my roommate!” As hard as it is, listen empathetically, but refrain from jumping in to solve their problem. Let them verbalize the thoughts in their head. As they do, they will come to a conclusion. When they do, let them take the lead on the execution of any plan required to complete their goal.

Your teen will leave a high school senior and return a college freshman. Their brain will have grown so much filled with experiences and discovery of who they are going to be. They still need room to grow and separate from you so although the family is getting together for turkey, brace yourself for your college freshman who still needs your support with even more independence on their journey to adulthood.

Don’t Bother Finding Holes In Your Teen’s Plan

teendoc — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 11:45:32 +0000

Your teen calls and they are so excited about a trip or business venture or intimate partner. Meanwhile you’re listening and as you listen you start thinking, “this is not going to work.”

You may get to the point when you actually say out loud, “You’re joking right? You know that’s not going to work.” And then you proceed to ask all the questions excited brains don’t think about. You know, the practical questions.

If by now you’ve figured out your teen doesn’t want you to point out holes in their plan, you’d be right. And not only do they not want you to point out the holes, but they want you to be excited with them. Ride the wave with them. This may seem irresponsible and impractical to you who is trying to avoid pitfalls and wasted money and other resources, but to your teen this is unconditional love and support. They want your support. If they are lucky enough to get it unconditionally well then you have a teen who is on top of this world.

The truth is, the natural progression of things will reveal the holes. As a result, they will learn a new way to think about the next trip, business venture or intimate partner. They will figure out, possibly the hard way and with “wasted” resources, but the lesson will hopefully be learned and incorporated into their life’s experience. This is how they grow.

As a parent, you will have to bite your tongue and smile when you could just strangle your teen, but do bite your tongue. You are going to be so proud when your teen comes to and points out all the holes you thought up, on their own.

Halloween, Insight Into Your Teen’s Mind

teendoc — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 11:45:43 +0000

Halloween is a great time to experiment with the fantasy of who your teen might be. For teens who have not considered what they might want to do with their life, this can be a glimpse into their mind’s eye of what they might like to do.

It’s always interesting to see the creative characters that your teen comes up with as they anticipate the Halloween parties or trick or treating as the case may be. For the teen who is dumbfounded about a future career, it may be easier to pick a Halloween costume. Finding common themes that a costume represents may give your teen some ideas as to what they might like to consider as a future career (e.g. nurse might be a helper, wolverine might be confident and in public service and those making teir own costume might be the next fashion designer).

Ask your teen questions about what the character is about, what they do, why they might want to impersonate them for Halloween.

This is a great discussion topic that is less stressful than the echoing, “What are you going to do with your life?” This frequently causes frustration and anxiety for teens, but a Halloween costume? Hardly any pressure at all.

Remember, the goal is to get your teen talking and thinking in a creative way about their future. This keeps you connected to your teen and makes you available for whatever is going on in their life.

Does Your Teen Have To Go To College?

teendoc — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 12:00:11 +0000

If your teen is a senior, you’ve probably asked them what they want to do after high school. The “good” answer is, “Go to college.” And, this is a good answer. Parents associate a college education with more opportunity and economic stability and rightly so the current unemployment rate among college graduates is 3.1% in the U.S.. Compare that to the national unemployment rate, 6.7% or the unemployment rate among those with no high school diploma, 10.5%. But does everyone need to go to college?

No, we don’t need every teen to attend college, like we don’t need every teen to become a lawyer. Remember, college or university is an opportunity for higher learning. However, every job has a college-type of higher learning associated with it. If you consider any vocational job, cosmetologist, automechanic or medical assistant they all have the potential to learn more and be the best in that field. Your teen may have to piece together this higher learning by working harder to take courses or seminars on the weekend or after work, but people who are the best at what they do irrespective of what they do stand out.

When you think of Bobbie Brown or Kevin Aucoin, the make-up artists you don’t imagine their parents saying to them, “Make-up artist? You wanna be a make-up artist?” And even if their parents did, it wouldn’t have mattered they were so driven by their passion. No, what they were really, were visionaries. They took their passion for a field and created something so special that the world bent to them. Will every teen that doesn’t go to college become as successful as these people, who knows? But, this should not stop your teen from doing their best in whatever they chose to do.

You know, the waitress that is very thoughtful, the teacher that senses you are worried about your teen and leaves a cell phone to make sure she hears from you or the cab driver that notices the laptop in the back seat and rushes back to see if they can find you. These people make your day too!

Whether your teen chooses to attend college or not is not the issue, it is whether they are passionate about what it is they do. When your teen is passionate about their life and their career, they have the desire to be better, to be the best, to do a job well done. when they give this gift to the world, the world will listen, but it will never ask , “Do you have a college degree?

So push the passion, not the college per say. If the passion is there, your teen will find their place in the world and if college happens to be the way to do that, well, so be it.

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Helping Teen Boys Seek Medical Care

teendoc — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 12:29:50 +0000

Men wait until the last minute to go to their doctor. Because they wait, their cancers tend to be more advanced when they are finally diagnosed. Men are dying earlier because they don’t address medical or emotional complaints. This is the same pattern seen among teen boys who are less likely to go to the doctor for sexual health care, or complain of any medical symptoms.

The ripple effect of teen boys and then men not seeking medical care is huge. It means that teen boys with serious symptoms are diagnosed when the problems are more life threatening and sexually transmitted disease is spread to others, while their fathers suffer more complications and even death from preventable or treatable illness because they place such a low priority on seeking medical care.

What is this male culture?

There is a male culture that associates going to the doctor as a sign of weakness. Men who do seek care are more likely to do so for injuries associated with sports or labor. Of those teen boys who do seek care, they are more likely to do so when they have an open relationship with one or both parents.

Lance Armstrong who was fortunate enough to have survived a late stage testicular cancer excused obvious symptoms like coughing up blood and a grossly enlarged testicle attributing these symptoms to intensive training. Testicular cancer is one of the most curable cancers there is. It affects males between the ages of 15 and 40 without self-exams and seeking medical care at the earliest sign of a change testicular cancer can kill these men.

What is the current mode of attack?

The pharmaceutical companies and preventive health institutions have heretofore targeted wives, girlfriends and daughters to get their husbands, boyfriends and brothers to seek care yet with this media effort men are being diagnosed later and dying earlier. The effort has worked better for teen boys whose health care is still managed by their mothers.

How does the culture begin to change?

If the quality and the quantity of years that men are living are to improve, it is important that men begin to change the culture of seeking medical care from something weak men do, to something real men do. The new mode of attack will ask athletes to speak of their illnesses in addition to public service announcements, but the true way to change the culture of men is to change the culture of fathers. The same-sex parent is the most influential over the behaviors of that teen. Fathers who talk about the importance of health and seek medical care will be most likely to influence their teen boys to do the same.

However before that happens, the women who are most likely reading this article will have to convince these fathers, husbands and brothers to model the behavior of seeking medical care.

More resources:

Men’s attitudes about seeking health care may put them at risk, conference told

Myths about manhood keep teen boys from sexual health care

Testicular Cancer Information

Sexully Transmitted Diseases