TheTeenDoc.com » Young Adult

Your Teen’s Sexual Bravado

teendoc — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 10:00:21 +0000

I wouldn’t date someone who hit me! I wouldn’t date someone who was mean to me!

Your teen seems so confident and clear on the kind of person they want to be around, but when it comes right down to it, something doesn’t seem right. Why do they date so many people in such a short period of time? Why do they have these short relationships that never go anywhere? It’s almost like your teen dumps them before anything serious can happen.

Everyone has a fear of rejection. For some this rejection is so real they take on the role of wanting to be the master of rejection before the tables can be turned on them. So they start dating someone and when they get the slightest indication that something is wrong, they move on. As you can imagine, this is no way to develop intimacy or a connection with someone.

Your teen can’t find their real friends or lovers if they’re so concerned with being rejected that they take no emotional risk. So it’s great they won’t date someone who is abusive or mean, but sometimes real strength is in your teen’s ability to be vulnerable.

Hey, before you go leave a comment or check me out at the right side bar. There’s plenty to do there.

Is Your Teen Running Away OR TOWARDS Something?

teendoc — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 10:00:00 +0000

Let’s say that for whatever reason your teen looks forward to leaving your household one day, their focus is on getting OUT whichever way they can.

My hope is that they focus less on running away from you and take the time to plan what they want to run towards. Where they’re going is important otherwise it’s like running out of a burning building with hands waving in the air. They don’t realize they have no clothes on until the cold temperature grabs their chest by the neck. This type of escape is reckless and unorganized and causes more complications even though there is the temporary relief of being out of immediate danger.

Help your teen plan the escape so they can know they’re leaving to run towards something rather than just getting the h*ll out of your house.

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Teen Parent Guide

teendoc — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 10:00:43 +0000

Do you remember walking with your teen when they were a toddler? Did you walk in front or behind so you could watch how they were walkin’?

As the parent of a teen it’s important to walk a couple steps behind. You want to know what’s coming and prepare yourself and them for that change emotionally and mentally, but as far as parenting goes you want to guide them by watching which way they walk and then following them.

Why?

You want them to show you how to parent them. Parenting is a great skill, but it is appreciated more when it appears to be a true rock of support. You have no idea who your teen will be or what they will end up doing. You have an inkling of their personality from all the years you’ve known them, but you don’t know how that will all fit together. Although they’re confused about this too, they have a better idea than you do. This is why parenting two steps behind them allows you a bird’s eye view of where their steps are headed. It allows you to offer support when you recognize some elements of the path and ideas that are consistent with what you think that path might be. At the very least, it allows you to limit conflict while your teen figures it out and singles you out as a sounding board.

Just like the cheers theme song goes making your way in the world today takes everything g you’ve got. Don’t blindside your teen with rules that demonstrate you have no idea of what they might be concocting in their head. Just ask Bill Gates who left Yale because the guys needed him at this startup company he was a part of called Microsoft.

Your Teen’s Expectations

teendoc — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 10:00:11 +0000

There are expectations that your teen thinks they’re supposed to meet. They should do this or they should look like that. It can be overwhelming at times.

The expectation of what they think they’re supposed to do when they start to develop who they are is what others think of them. Your teen’s sense of self begins by their best guess about what others think of them and what others think they should do. They do this so they can be accepted. This acceptance gives them value. If your teen never grows out of that outside acceptance being more important in their process of acceptance, life is a bit more stressful.

What your teen is supposed to do is follow their own heart and learn how to accept themselves for who they are in their own very unique way. Now that, takes a lot of patience.

Did It Make Your Teen Happy?

teendoc — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 11:00:45 +0000

You can try and please some of the people some of the time, but you’ll never please all of the people all of the time…even when that person is your parent.

There is a belief that just because someone is family or you make them family through marriage that they love you unconditionally. I wish this were true, but there are so many holes in this theory. One of the first times your teen will figure this out is when they disappoint you. It’s not that you don’t love them, but you’ll have this unintentional look of disappointment? Judgment? Or, you’ll do this thing some parents actually do where you won’t talk to your teen. Whoaaaa! Who’s the adult here?

At some point your teen is going to have to follow their own path. They’re going to have to start listening to their inner voice that allows them to answer questions like what they want to do with their life, who they fall in love with, and when they fall out of love with that person. If their first priority is to please you instead of themselves, they’re going to get the answers to these questions all wrong.

Teen Tantrums Suck!

teendoc — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 11:00:40 +0000

As your teen develops meaning learns how to do more things, they will figure out they don’t know how to do new things.

I use the word development a lot when I write and reference things teens normally do. But if they get too overwhelmed or frustrated, they will have a response, a behavior as a way to cope that can really suck and look more like the tantrum of a toddler. A lot of what is fascinating about teens is watching them figure this stuff out. They’re learning how to fake left or stand tall for what they believe in. They’re learning when they should change because of what happened or when their environment should change because of what happened to them. This is the meat of whom they become, how their experiences make them smarter and how they start to craft what their life will look like.

It’s fascinating stuff, but that learning process can really suck and sometimes when you meet an adult its clear they never learned all of it (adult tantrums really suck). When you see the behavior –the coping skill, be patient enough to figure out the life lesson your teen is trying to learn. This is what improves the learning curve. This is what makes them smarter; and this is the cause of maturity.

Your Teen’s Future Career

teendoc — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 11:00:42 +0000

I just want to think up the perfect job. Perfect? Hmmm…that’s a tall order. In general you just want a job that makes you feel like you’re contributing something to the world and build on that.

This is what I told a teen who was stuck about what to do with his life. It’s rough thinking up a future career. Your teen may know what they love, but clearly not everyone is going to be an athlete or a rock star, but everything teaches your teen something about where to go or where to take the next risk. They just have to know themselves well enough to follow the signs. That’s really the issue. Take advantage of the mentor that sent a follow up e-mail, leave a message within the week when a person who can hire you for a position speaks at your school, call the local University and ask about their research and whether you can help out. And when an opportunity arises, by all means takes advantage of it and tell your teen to bring their A game even if it’s retail.

The truth is often times what we’re going to do in life finds us. It jumps out at us in a way that makes us have to make a decision, get through a crisis or challenges our values. Stay here or go to the unknown that has an unpaid position. If your teen has been practicing listening to their heart guide them, the decisions aren’t very hard at all. And sometimes, they end up with the best job ever like being a doctor for teens. Wink.

Reading to Build a Future

A Twist On Betrayal

teendoc — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 11:00:46 +0000

Your teen is all pissy because someone they thought was a friend betrayed them, someone they thought was a lover, cheated or someone they thought they could confide in let them down. You listen to the transgression and then you tell them…

You tell them they should say, “Thank you.”Now, they’re really pissed. “What do you mean say, ‘Thank you?’ That was so wrong what they did!” You agree and add isn’t it better they did that early in your relationship rather than twenty days, twenty weeks or worse twenty years down the road. Look at all the time they saved you. They told you in less than twenty days that they weren’t worth your time. Some people have to wait twenty years to get priceless information like that. You should count your blessings.

Now, there’s nothing but silence from your teen as they try and let that thought sink in. They didn’t think about it that way. They don’t completely understand it either because until you have spent the twenty years you might not fully appreciate the twenty days, but say it anyway. They need to learn this concept and earlier is better than later.

Really? THAT’S Your Soul Mate?

Experience: A Teen’s Mentor

teendoc — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 11:00:37 +0000

Who’s the best teacher? Mom? Dad? A teacher or coach? Sure, to some degree they’re all great teachers, but hands down there’s nothing like experience.

They say experience is the best teacher and that’s for a reason…many teens aren’t going to listen to an authority figure. Yes, they’re a little more open when there’re serious consequences or you’re an established expert A.K.A someone they trust, but if you think about it, when you were a teen did you learn because someone told you it would be the death of you or because you tried it and darn if they weren’t right you really can get pregnant the first time you have sex! I remind you of this not to say, you shouldn’t say anything to your teen, but because I don’t want you to get frustrated when it seems like they’re not listening to you or rolling their eyes saying “whatever MOM!” You have to let them have their process too. Not everyone learns the same way. Some are more short yellow bus people and some people are so cool they get a ride from the friend who has not just a car, but a sports car. What’re ya gonna do? This is why patience is so important.

Help your teen learn life’s lessons, but not by helping them avoid them, but by understanding this is their way of learning them. This way when they learn the lesson it’s less of an I told ya so and more of a tell me what ya learned from that one?

Teen Parent Fine Print

teendoc — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 11:00:38 +0000

You didn’t realize this, but you signed a contract when you decided to have your teen all those years ago. Just in case you missed it because you were so blissfully happy they were born healthy and smelled of baby smell, I have cut and paste it here for you to read carefully now that there isn’t a watermelon coming through your vagina. And so you dont have to get your glasses, I enlarged the print.

“All births are final with no ability to submit request for extended warrantee on baby that grows up to be a defiant teen. Offer may be subject to terms and conditions of the genetic background and environment the baby is exposed to. There is limited time to expose the baby to new and outstanding things before they will no longer seem to be listening to most of what you say. Developing teen will find you annoying at times and irritating at others. You are not to become distracted by this given your parent wrote this into your baby contract when you were acting out much to their dismay at nine years old! (What goes around comes around) Teen may intermittently want you to treat them like a grown up with a fully developed brain while asking you to tuck them in at night or let them sleep with you because they saw a scary movie. Your teen at some point will be in a room with people who are drunk or stoned and understand that it does not mean your teen is drunk or stoned. Someone will want to put their hand up their shirt or down their pants and although you will be morally opposed to this you will sanction it along with poking holes in condoms and diaphragms when YOU are ready to be a grandparent. By accepting this child you accept the terms and conditions of this fine print not to truly understand its terms or conditions until your baby ah-hem teen has left the house and is on their own and you know that despite all the ups and downs they made it to adulthood. There is no expiration date on this fine print as you will find that no matter how old your teen becomes when they’re with you they’re almost always still your baby and seem to fall into that role whether they come visit you with their family or for a short visit from college. Whew!”

Enjoy your teen!