TheTeenDoc.com » Tween

Experience: A Teen’s Mentor

teendoc — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 11:00:37 +0000

Who’s the best teacher? Mom? Dad? A teacher or coach? Sure, to some degree they’re all great teachers, but hands down there’s nothing like experience.

They say experience is the best teacher and that’s for a reason…many teens aren’t going to listen to an authority figure. Yes, they’re a little more open when there’re serious consequences or you’re an established expert A.K.A someone they trust, but if you think about it, when you were a teen did you learn because someone told you it would be the death of you or because you tried it and darn if they weren’t right you really can get pregnant the first time you have sex! I remind you of this not to say, you shouldn’t say anything to your teen, but because I don’t want you to get frustrated when it seems like they’re not listening to you or rolling their eyes saying “whatever MOM!” You have to let them have their process too. Not everyone learns the same way. Some are more short yellow bus people and some people are so cool they get a ride from the friend who has not just a car, but a sports car. What’re ya gonna do? This is why patience is so important.

Help your teen learn life’s lessons, but not by helping them avoid them, but by understanding this is their way of learning them. This way when they learn the lesson it’s less of an I told ya so and more of a tell me what ya learned from that one?

Teen Socializing

teendoc — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 11:00:11 +0000

There’s a heavy price for tryin’ to be Joe or Jane Popular. It frequently hits the most in a transition year. Ya know, starting middle school or high school or even college. Why, you ask…

Why, because it’s really hard to walk into a new situation and know no one. The desire to fit in and have a group of people called friends can break the best of us, but this is especially true when your teen is still developing a sense of who they are and they don’t have the confidence to sit at the lunch table or hang out on recess field on their own. This takes more than courage. It takes confidence. This is something your teen may not be so full of when they feel awkward and different most of the time. If they decide to let their academic work slide to be in the know during a rumor or get invited to that party then the only thing that will pull them back is their plummeting self-esteem as they add poor student to their list of adjectives that describe themselves. When this doesn’t sit well, your teen will dig up the courage to become who they are rather than whom everyone else wants them to be.

Teens are social beings. They learn and thrive by their connections to others. Understanding the balance of being social with everything else with which they need to excel is an art that only your teen can discover for themselves. Sure, you can add a threat or two for incentive, but ultimately it’s their show.

School isn’t for Socializing?

Teen Parent Fine Print

teendoc — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 11:00:38 +0000

You didn’t realize this, but you signed a contract when you decided to have your teen all those years ago. Just in case you missed it because you were so blissfully happy they were born healthy and smelled of baby smell, I have cut and paste it here for you to read carefully now that there isn’t a watermelon coming through your vagina. And so you dont have to get your glasses, I enlarged the print.

“All births are final with no ability to submit request for extended warrantee on baby that grows up to be a defiant teen. Offer may be subject to terms and conditions of the genetic background and environment the baby is exposed to. There is limited time to expose the baby to new and outstanding things before they will no longer seem to be listening to most of what you say. Developing teen will find you annoying at times and irritating at others. You are not to become distracted by this given your parent wrote this into your baby contract when you were acting out much to their dismay at nine years old! (What goes around comes around) Teen may intermittently want you to treat them like a grown up with a fully developed brain while asking you to tuck them in at night or let them sleep with you because they saw a scary movie. Your teen at some point will be in a room with people who are drunk or stoned and understand that it does not mean your teen is drunk or stoned. Someone will want to put their hand up their shirt or down their pants and although you will be morally opposed to this you will sanction it along with poking holes in condoms and diaphragms when YOU are ready to be a grandparent. By accepting this child you accept the terms and conditions of this fine print not to truly understand its terms or conditions until your baby ah-hem teen has left the house and is on their own and you know that despite all the ups and downs they made it to adulthood. There is no expiration date on this fine print as you will find that no matter how old your teen becomes when they’re with you they’re almost always still your baby and seem to fall into that role whether they come visit you with their family or for a short visit from college. Whew!”

Enjoy your teen!

Freshman of 2011

teendoc — Thu, 04 Aug 2011 11:00:27 +0000

School will start before you know it and for freshman in high school one of the big deterrents to doing well their first year in high school is socializing.

The transition from middle to high school can really make a teen nervous even if they’re walking on campus the first day knowing friends they had in middle school. High school can change people for the better and worse. Your teen may wonder about their ability to be academically competitive, they may wonder if they’ll have a close enough network of friends or associates so they aren’t sitting at the lunch table by themselves or walking down the hall knowing no one. These anxieties can cause them to make choices that change their priorities about why they attend school. As many a mother used to say, “I don’t send you to school to look cute. I send you to school to get an education!” The truth is your teen goes to school sometimes just to look cute.

Set up frequent check-in points rather than letting the entire semester go by and they see their grades plummet. After the first month is a great time to check the timeliness of homework and projects. Give strong positive feedback that is specific so they know what they’re doing right, that’s awesome how you time manage so that you have phone time and it is after you do homework. I like that you have your priorities straight and that is why you have the privileges you do with your phone. As long as you show you can make a grown up decision about getting your work done, you can have these privileges. You just told your teen exactly how to please you and keep their privileges.

Best wishes freshman of 2011!

Outside Vs. Out

teendoc — Thu, 07 Jul 2011 11:00:29 +0000

There’s a point at which your teen will stop asking, “Can I go outside and play?” and they will ask instead, “Can I go out?”

There is little concern about asking to go out and play. There is all the fun of a preteen and nothing of the mischievousness of a teen. This is an example of how things change and will continue to change for your soon to be or already teen. Make a note to self to anticipate the changes that are coming, but do it at your teen’s pace. Be willing to give responsibility, but not so much they end up blowing it and seem irresponsible to you. Ask if they would like you to drop you off down the street so they don’t seem like they are a baby to their peers. This may hurt your feelings, but to your teen it shows you understand how they might feel. You can also let them know you will show them how to do their own laundry, make some special meals they like and mark things on the grocery list so they’re always stocked with snacks or things they like.

The transition to the teen years is really an exciting time and like all the other times in their lives filled with challenges and awesome accomplishments. Watching your teen become so independent they’ll be able to take care of themselves whether or not you’re around makes it all worth it.

Teen Parent Fine Print

Tone: The Parent’s

teendoc — Fri, 24 Jun 2011 11:00:42 +0000

We talked about your teen’s tone, but your teen notices you have a tone as well. It’s that tone that can change the mood of a conversation in seconds.

Your teen tries to apologize for something they did and that is already difficult, but they muster up the courage then they hear your tone. There was something about your tone that, didn’t believe them, didn’t want to hear them or was still too angry to care. Whatever the thing, it made your teen go from apologetic to angry. All of a sudden they didn’t care about apologizing even though they realize they were in the wrong. They didn’t care they had pissed you off. They did, but they didn’t.

They didn’t need the tone. The tone is discouraging and makes your teen feel ashamed. So they act like they don’t care when they really do so they are not overwhelmed by the feeling of shame and unworthiness. All you can see is that it looks like they don’t care. Your anger escalates because you think how could they not care about this big thing that happened? It’s the tone. Be patient and reserve the anger for a private moment so you can offer an opportunity to your teen to man up.

Help Me Help You

teendoc — Tue, 21 Jun 2011 11:00:49 +0000

Your teen may have wanted even needed your help for something. They asked, but it was in their own way and you didn’t understand what they were asking, but they know they asked. They also know you weren’t there for them.

What you will experience is your teen’s anger that you did not pick up on their cues. You will experience your teen’s anger that you were not there to help. There are times you need your teen’s help to help them better. You don’t know what to do about the anger, but you would have tried to be there had you known. You’re teen doesn’t trust that you would have been there because all they saw was that you weren’t and so you get their anger for your absence.

Instead of reacting to your teen’s anger, let them vent their disappointment and ask for a translation next time if you need it, but next time you might remember the signs you missed last time that allow you to be there like you want to be.

Gotta Have Faith

teendoc — Fri, 17 Jun 2011 11:00:17 +0000

“Faith is taking the first step even when you can’t see the whole staircase.” – Martin Luther King Jr

For some teens this is too abstract an idea to understand. This might be especially true for your younger teen. Their brain is still growing in a way that can be stuck in concrete thinking. Concrete thinking was described by a therapist named Piaget as only understanding what is in front of you. The unimaginable is not real yet. Because of this, faith becomes a difficult concept and issues like mortality, death and the future can become a very big deal. Teens that have a religious connection may have an outlet for practicing faith more, but it doesn’t mean they won’t struggle with this concept. Religion is also not the only context for faith.

Your teen has faith they will wake up the next day, that there won’t be a car accident on the way to school and that you will come home at the end of the day. Faith is a way to get your concrete thinking teen to accept those things they can’t understand or see so they have the confidence to go about life anyway. It’s a normal part of growing up and more importantly it’s a normal part of figuring out who they are in the world. This develops into the faith they develop in their own ability. We call it confidence.

Teens As Social Creatures

teendoc — Wed, 04 May 2011 11:00:06 +0000

Anytime you want to grant a new privilege to your teen, it’s a good idea to let them know the rules before they break them. Let your teen know what your standard is so they know that when you revoke the privilege it’s because they demonstrated they weren’t able to handle the responsibility.

A perfect example is with social media. Your teen is by nature a social person. They want to chat, communicate and relate to others especially others who are just like them or allow them to feel like they belong. They like constant reassurance of this so whether they do it by joining the local basketball team or “friending” someone on their social media site, they’re going to want to relate. The same desperation that comes with wanting to belong in person applies in social media with one great exception; it’s much easier to lie or create a new persona when the truth is not standing before the other person.

Remember, your teen’s brain that helps them figure out long term consequences of their actions is not fully developed yet. They’re impulsive by nature so you have to teach tools that allow them to consider their actions until they become good at it without your help. So what you can do is:

1. Set rules for what you consider inappropriate on line behaviour. You may want to practice these basic safety techniques

*Never use your real name

*Never enter personal data like hometown, birth date or personal characteristics

*Never post an actual photo instead use art or other caricature of their likeness

2. Have a check list to consider before they post something

*How would I feel if my grandmother read this?

*How would I feel if my principal read this?

*How would I feel if my parents read this?

3. Let them know what will get the privilege revoked before they get the site going. You may or may not randomly check their site in the first month to see if everything is OK. If it is, then you will not check anymore for another period of time. It is best to randomly check since that is what may allow them to be themselves. If after a random check they are being responsible let them have their privacy as much as possible. Check when you think something might be wrong with your tween or teen.

Unlike a diary that no one saw unless your teen shared it’s contents, social media is an open diary and few people should be privy to such information including you. So they should have a private diary for things they really want to keep private and use the internet like the FBI is going to question them about it one day.

Social media is like anything; it’s power can be used for good or evil. Help your teen understand the rules that foster evil and if they can’t handle it then they’re not ready. They can still meet at the mall.

Good Peer Pressure

teendoc — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 11:00:37 +0000

When you think of peer pressure you may automatically think about whether your teen will buckle under the pressure. Change your thinking, there’s something called good peer pressure too!

Your teen is at a time that in their life wherethey gravitate towards friends. They do this bcause they are socially inclined and to balance what you’ve been telling them all these years. They listen to you, they listen to their friends and then they hopefully begin to make a decision for themselves and form their own sense of values and morals that is uniquely their own. This is a great way to discover what your teen believes rather than parroting what you have told them. Try to think of peer influence as being either good or bad. It sort of has a bum rap for always being bad, but when it’s good it does a lot of great things.

Good peer pressure can prevent your teen from a lot of negative behaviours just because the group looks down on the behaviour. This is how many schools stop bullying, delay sex, cheating, drug and other use, poor grades and even promote going to college. Their peers are doing it so they want to do it as well. There are some great peers out there and their pressure can help you keep your teen on the right track!