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Teen Parent Guide

teendoc — Fri, 30 Mar 2012 10:00:43 +0000

Do you remember walking with your teen when they were a toddler? Did you walk in front or behind so you could watch how they were walkin’?

As the parent of a teen it’s important to walk a couple steps behind. You want to know what’s coming and prepare yourself and them for that change emotionally and mentally, but as far as parenting goes you want to guide them by watching which way they walk and then following them.

Why?

You want them to show you how to parent them. Parenting is a great skill, but it is appreciated more when it appears to be a true rock of support. You have no idea who your teen will be or what they will end up doing. You have an inkling of their personality from all the years you’ve known them, but you don’t know how that will all fit together. Although they’re confused about this too, they have a better idea than you do. This is why parenting two steps behind them allows you a bird’s eye view of where their steps are headed. It allows you to offer support when you recognize some elements of the path and ideas that are consistent with what you think that path might be. At the very least, it allows you to limit conflict while your teen figures it out and singles you out as a sounding board.

Just like the cheers theme song goes making your way in the world today takes everything g you’ve got. Don’t blindside your teen with rules that demonstrate you have no idea of what they might be concocting in their head. Just ask Bill Gates who left Yale because the guys needed him at this startup company he was a part of called Microsoft.

Your Teen’s Expectations

teendoc — Fri, 23 Mar 2012 10:00:11 +0000

There are expectations that your teen thinks they’re supposed to meet. They should do this or they should look like that. It can be overwhelming at times.

The expectation of what they think they’re supposed to do when they start to develop who they are is what others think of them. Your teen’s sense of self begins by their best guess about what others think of them and what others think they should do. They do this so they can be accepted. This acceptance gives them value. If your teen never grows out of that outside acceptance being more important in their process of acceptance, life is a bit more stressful.

What your teen is supposed to do is follow their own heart and learn how to accept themselves for who they are in their own very unique way. Now that, takes a lot of patience.

The Teen Struggle For Independence

teendoc — Tue, 20 Mar 2012 10:00:52 +0000

It can feel like you argue over which way the wind is blowing when it comes to your teen. According to them, you don’t know that either.

Why must teens fight so hard, so often and so intensely?

Why wouldn’t they?

Wouldn’t you if you were that curious about what life would be like if you ruled your world. Ironically this is what you’re trying to teach them –to be the ruler of their world. Researchers have seen this in the work place. The more independent one is at work, the happier they are.

Independence especially when your teen isn’t afraid of it is the right to go left and then suddenly change their mind to go right. The right to have a bowl of cereal for dinner instead of a meal that takes an hour to prepare and it’s the right to tell you that they’re figuring out their own value system and they’d really like a chance to use it.

Independence Day, or age 18 in America

Teen Tantrums Suck!

teendoc — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 11:00:40 +0000

As your teen develops meaning learns how to do more things, they will figure out they don’t know how to do new things.

I use the word development a lot when I write and reference things teens normally do. But if they get too overwhelmed or frustrated, they will have a response, a behavior as a way to cope that can really suck and look more like the tantrum of a toddler. A lot of what is fascinating about teens is watching them figure this stuff out. They’re learning how to fake left or stand tall for what they believe in. They’re learning when they should change because of what happened or when their environment should change because of what happened to them. This is the meat of whom they become, how their experiences make them smarter and how they start to craft what their life will look like.

It’s fascinating stuff, but that learning process can really suck and sometimes when you meet an adult its clear they never learned all of it (adult tantrums really suck). When you see the behavior –the coping skill, be patient enough to figure out the life lesson your teen is trying to learn. This is what improves the learning curve. This is what makes them smarter; and this is the cause of maturity.

A Twist On Betrayal

teendoc — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 11:00:46 +0000

Your teen is all pissy because someone they thought was a friend betrayed them, someone they thought was a lover, cheated or someone they thought they could confide in let them down. You listen to the transgression and then you tell them…

You tell them they should say, “Thank you.”Now, they’re really pissed. “What do you mean say, ‘Thank you?’ That was so wrong what they did!” You agree and add isn’t it better they did that early in your relationship rather than twenty days, twenty weeks or worse twenty years down the road. Look at all the time they saved you. They told you in less than twenty days that they weren’t worth your time. Some people have to wait twenty years to get priceless information like that. You should count your blessings.

Now, there’s nothing but silence from your teen as they try and let that thought sink in. They didn’t think about it that way. They don’t completely understand it either because until you have spent the twenty years you might not fully appreciate the twenty days, but say it anyway. They need to learn this concept and earlier is better than later.

Really? THAT’S Your Soul Mate?

Experience: A Teen’s Mentor

teendoc — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 11:00:37 +0000

Who’s the best teacher? Mom? Dad? A teacher or coach? Sure, to some degree they’re all great teachers, but hands down there’s nothing like experience.

They say experience is the best teacher and that’s for a reason…many teens aren’t going to listen to an authority figure. Yes, they’re a little more open when there’re serious consequences or you’re an established expert A.K.A someone they trust, but if you think about it, when you were a teen did you learn because someone told you it would be the death of you or because you tried it and darn if they weren’t right you really can get pregnant the first time you have sex! I remind you of this not to say, you shouldn’t say anything to your teen, but because I don’t want you to get frustrated when it seems like they’re not listening to you or rolling their eyes saying “whatever MOM!” You have to let them have their process too. Not everyone learns the same way. Some are more short yellow bus people and some people are so cool they get a ride from the friend who has not just a car, but a sports car. What’re ya gonna do? This is why patience is so important.

Help your teen learn life’s lessons, but not by helping them avoid them, but by understanding this is their way of learning them. This way when they learn the lesson it’s less of an I told ya so and more of a tell me what ya learned from that one?

Teen Socializing

teendoc — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 11:00:11 +0000

There’s a heavy price for tryin’ to be Joe or Jane Popular. It frequently hits the most in a transition year. Ya know, starting middle school or high school or even college. Why, you ask…

Why, because it’s really hard to walk into a new situation and know no one. The desire to fit in and have a group of people called friends can break the best of us, but this is especially true when your teen is still developing a sense of who they are and they don’t have the confidence to sit at the lunch table or hang out on recess field on their own. This takes more than courage. It takes confidence. This is something your teen may not be so full of when they feel awkward and different most of the time. If they decide to let their academic work slide to be in the know during a rumor or get invited to that party then the only thing that will pull them back is their plummeting self-esteem as they add poor student to their list of adjectives that describe themselves. When this doesn’t sit well, your teen will dig up the courage to become who they are rather than whom everyone else wants them to be.

Teens are social beings. They learn and thrive by their connections to others. Understanding the balance of being social with everything else with which they need to excel is an art that only your teen can discover for themselves. Sure, you can add a threat or two for incentive, but ultimately it’s their show.

School isn’t for Socializing?

Teen Parent Fine Print

teendoc — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 11:00:38 +0000

You didn’t realize this, but you signed a contract when you decided to have your teen all those years ago. Just in case you missed it because you were so blissfully happy they were born healthy and smelled of baby smell, I have cut and paste it here for you to read carefully now that there isn’t a watermelon coming through your vagina. And so you dont have to get your glasses, I enlarged the print.

“All births are final with no ability to submit request for extended warrantee on baby that grows up to be a defiant teen. Offer may be subject to terms and conditions of the genetic background and environment the baby is exposed to. There is limited time to expose the baby to new and outstanding things before they will no longer seem to be listening to most of what you say. Developing teen will find you annoying at times and irritating at others. You are not to become distracted by this given your parent wrote this into your baby contract when you were acting out much to their dismay at nine years old! (What goes around comes around) Teen may intermittently want you to treat them like a grown up with a fully developed brain while asking you to tuck them in at night or let them sleep with you because they saw a scary movie. Your teen at some point will be in a room with people who are drunk or stoned and understand that it does not mean your teen is drunk or stoned. Someone will want to put their hand up their shirt or down their pants and although you will be morally opposed to this you will sanction it along with poking holes in condoms and diaphragms when YOU are ready to be a grandparent. By accepting this child you accept the terms and conditions of this fine print not to truly understand its terms or conditions until your baby ah-hem teen has left the house and is on their own and you know that despite all the ups and downs they made it to adulthood. There is no expiration date on this fine print as you will find that no matter how old your teen becomes when they’re with you they’re almost always still your baby and seem to fall into that role whether they come visit you with their family or for a short visit from college. Whew!”

Enjoy your teen!

Are You Jerking Off In There?

teendoc — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 11:00:36 +0000

Try not to think of the fact that your teen has sexual thoughts. They do of course, but you aren’t supposed to obsess about it.

Your teen’s budding sexuality can take a few different turns and if you want to see it stunted just do something like shame or embarrass them about doing something as normal as touching themselves. Who else should be touching them really? You don’t want to make this a bad thing because it is part of laying the foundation for their sexual self-esteem when they start to experiment with their sexual expression and later when they become sexual with others . This can be something as little as wearing a bathing suit at the beach or leaving the lights on (or off) while they’re making love.

Yeah, it’s a good idea to let this one go. When you see the porn sites think about getting them some safer images to look at, when they use your expensive conditioner look for some KY or what they call “personal lubricant” and when you realize there are a bunch of socks all balled up around their bed, get ‘em a little garbage can and some tissue at the bedside. Sometimes you can speak volumes by not saying anything at all.

If you want more answers like these check out Dr. O’s e-book “Are You Serious? It’s Just Sex!”

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Freshman of 2011

teendoc — Thu, 04 Aug 2011 11:00:27 +0000

School will start before you know it and for freshman in high school one of the big deterrents to doing well their first year in high school is socializing.

The transition from middle to high school can really make a teen nervous even if they’re walking on campus the first day knowing friends they had in middle school. High school can change people for the better and worse. Your teen may wonder about their ability to be academically competitive, they may wonder if they’ll have a close enough network of friends or associates so they aren’t sitting at the lunch table by themselves or walking down the hall knowing no one. These anxieties can cause them to make choices that change their priorities about why they attend school. As many a mother used to say, “I don’t send you to school to look cute. I send you to school to get an education!” The truth is your teen goes to school sometimes just to look cute.

Set up frequent check-in points rather than letting the entire semester go by and they see their grades plummet. After the first month is a great time to check the timeliness of homework and projects. Give strong positive feedback that is specific so they know what they’re doing right, that’s awesome how you time manage so that you have phone time and it is after you do homework. I like that you have your priorities straight and that is why you have the privileges you do with your phone. As long as you show you can make a grown up decision about getting your work done, you can have these privileges. You just told your teen exactly how to please you and keep their privileges.

Best wishes freshman of 2011!