TheTeenDoc.com

All The Opportunity In The World

Kemi — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 11:30:14 +0000

A teen with all the opportunity in the world is the one that seems to get in more trouble with teachers. Seems to hang out with the odd crowd and is constantly making really bad decisions. What could be wrong? Your poor Mom is working so hard to give you opportunities that your peers have. Don’t you appreciate it?

What pressure! What pressure to live up to such high expectations? It is possible that everything is fine and you just happen to have a teen that makes bad decisions, but if you look further you might ask yourself and then this teen more questions.

1. Anxious or Nervous

It’s a lot of pressure to be the first in the family to enter college, to make the grades for the scholarship, and socialize with a higher economic class wile making friends that make disparities between you more pronounced. This can set off a cycle of self doubt and questioning: What if I disappoint them all? Maybe I’m not as good as I think? Why don’t they save their money or give it to someone else?

2. Depression

There can be sadness seeing everyone especially a single-parent working so hard to the point of depriving themselves. The desire to do well can be overwhelming and serve to cripple instead of galvanize the teen.

3. Normal Development

Those teens who have worked so hard and realized they are no longer having fun will feel the looming senior graduation more severely in junior year. This may make them want to start behaving badly in an effort to experience all of high schools temptations before they graduate.

4. Resentment

Purposefully messing up with so much riding on the perfection of decisions does make one consider that the teen has made a discovery of self that they no longer want to pursue the agreed upon career track. After so much investment it can be very hard to tell everyone that I want to change my life’s passion. I have essentially changed my life’s passion. They may be fearful that someone will try and talk them out of it or shoot down their dreams. So when this is difficult to say, it may be easier to create opportunities for others to just kick you out.

An opportunity is in the eye of the beholder. One person’s opportunity can be another person’s jail. Who could have done what Joaquin Phoenix did when he said he was leaving acting? People thought and still think he’s crazy, but if there is a change in what you are passionate about then the decision to leave is actually life saving. The opportunity to change your mind based on what makes you happy is all the opportunity any one teen really needs.

5 Things You Should Know About Teen Parenting

Kemi — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 11:30:32 +0000

Ever wish you cold have a teen expert in your back pocket when things are crazy with your teen? These five points are a great substitute!

1. Trust

They really want your trust. They want to know you have enough trust in their ability to make a decision. You won’t undermine their decision nor will you micromanage it. These are the things that dent their confidence and let them know that you doubt their ability. This is a sure fire way to make them doubt their ability too! They know your trust is a gift so please give them the tools to guard it well.

2. Love

It feels good to know you are loved. Tell your teen and don’t assume they know. They want to be told and it is a luxury to be bored of hearing it. It means you get to hear it a lot. It is only because they think everyone gets this that they act the way they do when you say it and show behabior that shows you mean it (e.g. listening without judgenment). Keep saying it and make sure they know you love them like a bee loves nectar!

3. Confidante

If all is crazy in your teen’s world, they want to come to you. They want to tell you about their crush, their failed grade, their honor roll achievement, their winning goal in soccer, their awkward first date and their fumbled first sexual experience. They want to tell you about all of it. Will you listen? Before they even think about telling you, they have gauged your probable response. Be careful with your body language and be open to what you might hear because they want to tell you they were pregnant, they were raped, they drank too much and they are gay too! The question is, “What will you do once you hear the information?” Will you be the support or the enemy?

4. Physical Connection

This cannot be stressed enough, but your teen wants your touch. This might be easier for women, but we need the men too! This is how your son will learn to hug his daughter and your daughter will learn to hold her son. Give them tactile love as well. Rub their back, hold their hand, and massage their back while they chat with you or watch a movie. Hugs and love. Who better to get it from than Mom and Dad? If you let them physically starve they’ll want it from anywhere and anyone. Let’s make sure this cup is very full!

5. Praise

Have you seen your teen overcome a great challenge; discover a new strength about themselves or demonstrate a great decision making or problem solving skill recently? Well, let them know. Please don’t be afraid to let them know what they are doing right. This is how they know what to keep doing right. Keep the praise, the standing ovations, the love; keep it all coming. This cup should also be very full when they leave the home. If your teen feels they have a connection to you, they are less susceptible to predators of love deprived teens (i.e. Social website/Internet predators, gangs, cults, etc).

Keep these points with you. Read them through when your teen does something “wrong,” doesn’t seem to be doing their best or seems to be getting on your last nerve. These points will help you parent with love and compassion and sometimes that is all your teen needs to get back on track.

Have A Nice Day Anyway!

Kemi — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 11:30:05 +0000

“I’m going to have a nice day just to spite some people.” This is an amazing quote written by Jimmy Willis, a student in library science. It demonstrates the power we all have over the direction our day and even better our lives take. When you wake up and you just don’t feel like it, does your mood influence your teen’s mood? Does it show them an example of how you can be in the middle of a crisis and still have a good and even great day?

Have A Nice Day Anyway!

It is very important that as parents you model for your teen how to look at the positive side of things. Their ability to get through difficult situations is depending on this skill. A good example is that co-worker that always seems to have some new crisis to discuss. If you think about it, do you run to this person’s cubby when you arrive Monday morning, or do you avoid them like the plague? I am betting you avoid them. They’re a downer! I mean, It’s bad enough it’s Monday.

When you wake up on the wrong side of the bed, or your morning seems off to a bad start, show your teen how to put these mishaps in perspective. After all, whatever happens, if you are in the very privileged position of living another day that someone else wasn’t able to have, how bad can the day be really? I’m just sayin.’

Teen Happy. Everyone Happy.

Is Your Teen Proud Of Their Grades?

Kemi — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 11:31:55 +0000

Doc: How are your grades?
Teen: Average (teen looks down and gives a nervous smile while adding) “I could do better, but I’m lazy.”

What does average mean anyway? There is a law of averages and there is an average, but letter grades being average? Average usually means, they get mostly Cs, but they are not above a D or F here and there and if the class is fairly reasonable they may even get an A or B, but mostly Cs with more Ds than they care to explain.

If your teen cannot say their grades with pride, then they should be working harder or at the very least working hard to figure out why their grades are average.

The inability to say their grades with pride because they worked hard for them whether they be As or Fs is a source of potential damage to your teen’s self-esteem and once this damage is internalized it becomes part of who they think they are. Once the damage is made a part of who they are “I suck at school” they will assume this role for their lifetime.

There is nothing like the group of teens that have failed out of school to help your teen drown their troubles and feelings of inadequacy. This group that cuts class, knows where to get confidential family planning, finds the best drugs and seems to know all the places to hide when you’re running from the cops. This group is the beginning of a downward spiral.

Gently challenge your teen not with “Do better or else I take away…” No. That isn’t clever enough for you. Challenge your teen by asking them how they feel about their grades. Ask them if they would like to do better. Tell them you are willing to help them, but it will take changing a lot of their current behaviors. You may need the support of teachers (to assess for learning problems or get tutored), pediatrician (to assess for medical causes of learning problems) and a mental health worker (to assess for mental health reasons for difficulty learning like depression or ADD) to solve all of the challenges, but together you can improve your teen’s self esteem about their grades. But remember this isn’t about the grade; it’s about your teen feeling better about who they are and of what they are capable. Because trust me, they aren’t lazy.

Finding Inspiration In Dark Places

Kemi — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 11:30:53 +0000

You walk into your home at the end of a rough day and your teen is blaring an artist you just saw on the cover of a popular teen music magazine and looked less than presentable as far as you are concerned. You have had a rough day, this is the last thing you are wanting to immerse yourself into and then you hear it over the very loud base that seems to add an extra heart beat to your already increasing one, “Baby, “I’m from New York, Concrete jungle where dreams are made of, There’s nothing you can’t do, Now you’re in New York.” Only when your teen sings it, they put their hometown in place of New York.

Inspiration can come from anywhere. When you hear your teen belting out those lyrics like Frank Sinatra singing his own homage to New York back in the day, it occurs to you that your teen feels a sense of possibility with these lyrics and despite the base bouncing you through your house, the thought that your teen could be inspired in a way that you have struggled to ignite brings a smile to your face.

So you do an internet search for the rest of the lyrics. The next time your teen is feeling down about a grade, missed goal or basket or a girl that was not willing to return your teen’s kindness you reply, “Hey, you’re from New York, There’s nothing you can’t do!”

What could have been a disaster of you yelling, “Turn that music down!” instead turned into an opportunity to provide your teen with focus and inspiration to dust themselves of f and give it another try. Inspiration comes from everywhere. You just have to be willing to seize the opportunity, even if it seems to come from a dark place.

I’m Gay But…I’m Just Like You

Kemi — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 11:30:46 +0000

The comedian Dennis Miller has this joke, “Why hate you for being of a certain race, there are so many other reasons to hate you.” True in general we want to try and spread the love and not the hate, but he makes a good point about the heterogeneity or diversity within ethnic groups. The diversity within any group is never represented by the stereotypes portrayed in the media.

One group that this specifically pertains to is the LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender) group. There are many representations of the hilarious effeminate Gay man in movies or the sassy Lesbian in a sitcom. The message can be that all Gay men are, or all Lesbians are, but if you belong to any ethnic group hell, if you belong to any group. You know how different you are than the others in your group.

If you have a teen that is in this other group, this type of judgment is difficult to bear because other is you. The type of rejection for being different is at the core of what teens are trying to avoid. Teens want to be the same as everyone. They don’t want to stand out. For some, their sense of self is too fragile to give voice to who they really are.

However, if you can look past the label what we often find is that we are the same more than we are different. So there is the Gay man who is into football and the Black woman who is the staunch republican conservative. It takes them all to make the world go round.

It is easy to forget that when you are laughing at the caricature in the media, but as parents it is important to remember that you are responsible for the image your teen has of others and in doing so you help them know that you will respect their differences as well. This is the process that allows your teen to confide in you and allows you to influence your teen in the positive ways you desire. In this way, you spread a little love around too. Trust me, this will not be the reason people will hate you and that’s a good thing.

It’s Complicated

Kemi — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 11:30:33 +0000

“It’s complicated” This is your teen’s response after you check in to ask how their recent relationship is going. “Hmph!” You think to yourself, “complicated?” What does that mean? So your teen goes through this meandering road of a story to explain that they sort of are, but sort of aren’t still dating. You think to yourself, “that relationship is over.”
Knowing when to let go of a relationship can be hard especially when you don’t really want the relationship to be over. However, learning how to be clear about the end of a relationship is a great way your teen can begin to understand their worth and the importance of teaching people how they should treat them.
When your teen is having a tough time letting go of a relationship that has been giving clear signs that it is over, they may use language like “it’s complicated” to explain that they still have feelings about someone that wants to break up with them. Use your compassion for their situation to show them how they actually set themselves up for being mistreated when they do this, when they can’t let go. They communicate to this person that they have no value in the relationship and give all their power away.
This is such an important lesson to teach your teen early in their life. Understanding this lesson can be the difference in how your teen appreciates their value in future relationship. It can be the difference in how your teen maintains their self-esteem to make better decisions about when to become sexually active in a relationship; and it can be the difference in your teen’s decision on how far to take any intimacy not in an effort to keep a relationship, but because they know it feels right to express themselves that way.
When it comes to relationships, things can seem complicated, but if your teen thinks about it the right way, it’s just about whether you really want to be with someone or not, or they really want to be with you. You can’t make them love you, but you can always demonstrate behavior that shows you love yourself. This, is never complicated.

The Competition Is With You

Kemi — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 11:30:01 +0000

The rat race. As your teen matures to be more responsible they enter what is lovingly referred to as the rat race, Life. Although it can be a battle of trying to get ahead, the question is always, “Who are you trying to get ahead of?” There can be the false sense that you are trying to get ahead of others when in fact to truly be successful, you have to compete with yourself. You have to do better than you did yesterday.

This can be a difficult concept for a teen to understand when they are concrete thinkers, meaning they lack the ability to think about future consequences of their current behavior. The competition they see looks like what it is, competition with others. As your teen develops out of this mind set of comparing themselves to their peers, they will focus on how well they are doing and how they can improve themselves. When they do that, they will notice how they can be a better student, athlete, son or daughter than they were before. This will make them a better employee or boss, spouse, relative or parent.

This competition with you is what makes someone a better anything. Focusing on what others are doing slows someone down. It takes the focus off “what can I do to be better” and puts the focus on “I wonder how I am not as good as you.” Getting teens out of the mind set of comparing themselves to others and changing that to improve themselves to better is the only way they can be the best they can be.

No related posts.

Rihanna’s Fighting Words

Kemi — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 11:30:21 +0000

If you have lived long enough, you have heard fight songs come and go. When the news broke of horrific pictures of what Chris Brown did to Rihanna’s face, the internet searches for the domestic violence picture almost halted the internet. Almost everyone had an opinion especially after it looked like she went back to him.

Something changed. Soon after that update, something changed and Rihanna was not dating Chris brown. A lot of fan mail, a lot of calls from other celebrities, women’s organizations, family perhaps. Then, you didn’t hear from her at all until she released her latest CD, Rated R and released the following song, So Hard.
If you hear this blare from your teen’s room, you might make the mistake of thinking; it’s just another Rihanna song. If you only watch the video you might just think there goes Rihanna being Rihanna. But if you read the lyrics you know that Rihanna has a message about what happened to her. A message she only touched on in her interview with Good Morning America’s Diane Sawyer. A message that echoes like Gloria Gaynor’s I Will Survive, it is less polite and more concrete as if Rihanna understood the psychological development of her teen audience and so sought to make the message very clear. See, one thing that Rihanna said contributed to her decision to separate from Chris was that she had the fans who were girls. She references them in the line “fan mail from 27 million.” More than anyone else, she knew they were watching. She understood that they might not be as lucky as she was in their abusive relationship. She knew they were dying in these relationships.

The lyrics are here for you to read and ponder. Hear the strength of her understanding that he was aiming for her status “I see you aiming at my pedestal.” Hear her tell him that she thinks too much of herself to be placed in this position, “I live where the sky ends up…Rihanna reign just won’t let up.” Hear her strength, “tougher than a lion.” Hear her resolve, “Brilliant, resilient..”

So hats off to Rihanna for a fight song that will find as much street credibility on Martin Luther King Boulevard as it will on the streets of Manhattan.

So Hard by Rihanna off the Rated R CD

They can say whatever
I’ma do whatever
No pain is forever Yup!
You know this
Tougher than a lion
Ain’t no need in tryin
I live where the sky ends Yup!
You know this

Never lying
Truth teller
That Rihanna reign just won’t let up
All black on
Black top shades
Black top maybach
I’ma rock this sh*t
Like fashion
As in goin to this Gang stop
And my runway never looked so clear
But the hottest bit** in heels right here
No fear
And while you’re gettin your cry on
I’m gettin my fly on
Sincere
I see you aiming at my pedestal
I better let you know

Chorus

That I, I, I, I’m so hard
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, I’m so hard
That I, I, I, I’m so hard
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, I’m so hard
That I, I, I, I’m so hard
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, I’m so hard
So hard, So hard, So hard, So hard
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah (That rihanna range just wont let up)
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah (That rihanna range just wont let up)
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah (That rihanna range just wont let up)
So hard, So hard, So hard, So hard

All up on it
Know u wanna clone it
Aint like me (that chick to flaunt it)
Ride this beat beat beat (like a pony)
Meet me at the top (top) top
(Getting loaded)
Who think they test me now?
Run through this town I shut it down
Brilliant resilient fanmail from 27 million

And I want it all
Gonna take more than that
Hope that I know you got

I need it all
The money the fame the cars the clothes
I can’t just let you run up on me like that (all up on me like that) yeah

I see you aiming on my pedestal
So I think I gotta let u know

[Chorus]
[YOUNG JEEZY]

Where them girls talkin trash at? x2 Where they at? x3
Where them bloggers at? x2 Where they at? x3
Where your lighters at? x2 Where they at? x3

So hard, So hard, So hard, So hard

[Chorus]

Teen Boys and the HPV Vaccine

Kemi — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 11:30:36 +0000

The FDA recently approved the Human Papilloma Virus (HPV) Vaccine for boys ages 9-26 years. It has already been approved for girls ages 9-26 years. The vaccine includes the HPV types 6, 11, 16 and 18 which are major contributors to the development of vulvar, vaginal, cervical, anal, penal cancers and genital warts.

Although it is approved for the prevention of cervical cancer and genital warts in girls, its approval in boys is just for the prevention of genital warts. These warts are the second most common sexually transmitted disease (STD) in teens present in seventy percent of sexually active teens; however, it does not have to be spread sexually. It is spread through skin-to-skin contact and so can be passed from mother to daughter as the baby is delivered through the vaginal canal as easily as it can be spread through non –intercourse sexual behavior like dry humping and mutual masturbation.

Genital warts are bumps or warts on the genital skin that can cause pain, itching, bleeding or no symptoms at all. The practical problems though are nothing compared to the blow your teen’s self-esteem must withstand after receiving the diagnosis of genital warts.

Having genital warts can influence a teen’s identity development such that they believe that “No one can love them” since they have warts. They may “settle” in relationships and keep themselves in a violent relationship or a position to be taken advantage of because of this belief. The ripple effect of this diagnosis is significant. Prevention is significantly better than cure, which genital warts cannot be.

Whether you are vaccinating your daughter or your son, get your questions answered about the vaccine that prevents the second leading cause of cancer death among women in the entire world and prevents the second most common STD among sexually active teens (present in seventy percent of sexually active teens), the HPV vaccine.