TheTeenDoc.com

Relationship Patterns

teendoc — Mon, 14 May 2012 10:00:08 +0000

Why is it so hard for a long distance relationship to work? Patterns. The distance doesn’t allow your teen to see the patterns that teach them how to deal with that person.

Patterns or the occurrence of one person having a behavior and the other person learning what that behavior means can really only occur through constant and repeated contact with someone. Something happens and your teen tells them the comment hurt their feelings. If they care enough about the relationship then they try and remember not to react that way again. They learn the way your teen would like them to react when they do that. This is similar with you and your teen not just romantic relationships. You start to relearn who your child is as a teen. Your reaction to certain behaviors hopefully changes based on their feedback. This is something that can’t happen efficiently if you don’t have a good relationship with your teen; you have minimal interaction with your teen, or there is too much conflict to ever have any interaction as in the “silent treatment.”

Patterns are there to teach you how to parent your teen, but you have to be willing to endure the difficulty of the interaction so you can learn how to handle it better next time. In doing so, you teach your teen how to handle their future partner’s behavior when they start to interact more with you and the world around them through romantic and intimate relationships.

My Teen Is Dating Her Father

teendoc — Mon, 07 May 2012 10:01:27 +0000

Why is it so important to have an open dialogue with your teen about their sexual relationships?

Your teen will learn about their relationship with you through their relationship with their sexual or intimate partners. A teen will repeat elements of their negative parent relationship even without meaning to do this. When your teen dates they reveal their possible choices as a lifetime mate. Love is blind to the person in the relationship, but to their supportive group love has fewer blinders. This enables them to see patterns or similarities that may mimic the one they have with their less than supportive parent. It turns out this is the way we work out those parental relationships. This is how a teen ends up dating their father, mother or whoever their caretaker was.

If their father was supportive and a positive influence in their life this may not be such a bad thing, but if your teen’s parent was abusive, or somehow limited the emotional growth of your teen, then you might want to help them recognize these relationships before they become too serious and cause a lifetime of heartache.

Teen Romantic Relationship

teendoc — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 10:00:26 +0000

I am watching you! This is what your teen thinks to themselves as they go out and practice being an adult the way they think it should be done. They are armed with thoughts of how you are in your marriage and like some high heels that are too high to walk in when you’re only six they see if they can do it either like you can or try and do it better.

The problem is…

They don’t have much to work with. They don’t have as much brain power as you did when you first met your spouse or baby’s daddy or whoever and so they make the mistakes possibly more dramatically. If you aren’t someone who can be honest about the personal faults that went into selecting your mate you can’t help them rethink their decisions.

The other problem is…

Your partner is the role model for whom they will seek in a relationship. This can be a good thing sometimes and other times this can be a huge downer. If you’re honest about your relationship then you can gently offer insight that allows your teen to make better choices or at least challenge their choices in romantic partnerships.

They’ve been watching so you can preach that “do as I say not as I do” all day, but it all comes down to

What

You

Do.

I Want My Virginity Back!

teendoc — Mon, 23 Apr 2012 10:00:14 +0000

“I take it back!” This may work when your teen is trying to apologize, but it means nothing when you want a second chance at an experience or opportunity. You never get a second chance to make a first impression and you never get a second chance to choose to whom you lose your virginity.

There’re all kinds of businesses trying to convince you otherwise. They promise surgery to recreate an intact hymen, creams and even mental support (the best close option), but it all comes down to your teen just can’t do this over. As I have said before, your teen really shouldn’t want to either.

Why?

Experiences make the best teachers. Sure, all the advice you throw your teen’s way helps them navigate some very heavy situations, but nothing teaches you not to touch the fire like putting your hand in the fire and feeling that …ouch!

Getting your teen to use the shame or guilt involved with a situation to ask questions about their emotional or intellectual state of mind at the time can do a lot more to help them identify patterns that lead them to a decision. This is a great way to foster learning, nurture forgiveness for their younger self and create the prefect foundation to making a more mature decision next time. One, with fewer regrets.

For the record, you can’t do anything to make your teen a virgin again.

My Teen’s Dating Mr. Selfish

teendoc — Mon, 16 Apr 2012 10:00:32 +0000

Every time he needs a ride, he calls. Actually, every time he needs anything is the only time I hear from him.

Some people in your teen’s life are going to be takers. They’re like parasites that suck all the kindness your teen has to offer. Not only is this exhausting, but it doesn’t feel very good for your teen who is just tryin’ to be nice. There is a huge difference between being nice and being foolish. If your teen has noticed this behavior for themselves then gently challenge them on what they think they’re getting out of the relationship that makes them think they should be treated this way. Another way of asking this question is why do you love Mr. Selfish more than yourself? Why do you think he deserves more than you do?

Your teen will have a lifetime of relationships with other people. Recognizing patterns in those relationships is how your teen grows as a person and nurtures an inner circle that gives as much as it takes. Dating Mr. Selfish gives him way too much access to the inner circle than he deserves.

Did that make sense? If it did then give a shout out or holla back!

Your Teen’s Sexual Bravado

teendoc — Mon, 09 Apr 2012 10:00:21 +0000

I wouldn’t date someone who hit me! I wouldn’t date someone who was mean to me!

Your teen seems so confident and clear on the kind of person they want to be around, but when it comes right down to it, something doesn’t seem right. Why do they date so many people in such a short period of time? Why do they have these short relationships that never go anywhere? It’s almost like your teen dumps them before anything serious can happen.

Everyone has a fear of rejection. For some this rejection is so real they take on the role of wanting to be the master of rejection before the tables can be turned on them. So they start dating someone and when they get the slightest indication that something is wrong, they move on. As you can imagine, this is no way to develop intimacy or a connection with someone.

Your teen can’t find their real friends or lovers if they’re so concerned with being rejected that they take no emotional risk. So it’s great they won’t date someone who is abusive or mean, but sometimes real strength is in your teen’s ability to be vulnerable.

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The Happy Teen Loner

teendoc — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 10:00:06 +0000

“Suddenly the bullying just stopped when I got to high school. I don’t know what happened.”

Frequently what stops for your teen is their sense of powerlessness. Your teen discovers something about themselves that allows them to walk more confidently and this is what changes for the bully and they move on. If your teen can actually realize what happened then there’s a great lesson to be learned about discovering how they present themselves to others. It can be the first step in correcting what could have been a lifetime of obsequious behavior to lovers, spouses, friends, bosses, etc.

Sometimes your teen can actually be the change they wish to see in the world. The ripple effect isn’t always worldwide, but to even affect the small community of their everyday school life is life changing enough to have a school day of peace.

So What’s Normal For Your Teen?

teendoc — Thu, 05 Apr 2012 10:00:17 +0000

Oh, don’t disturb her. She’s passed out and there’s no telling what she might be like if you wake her.

There is no sense of urgency or worry in this teen’s voice. Her friend on the other hand is horrified that her friend’s Mom is draped over the couch seemingly unconscious and barely breathing, but it’s just another day in the life for this teen.

Part of having friends is realizing what is normal for them may not be normal for you. This begins a long learning process of discovering not just that people think differently than your teen, which can encourage empathy, but it’s also how your teen starts to realize why people think differently.

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Is Your Teen Running Away OR TOWARDS Something?

teendoc — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 10:00:00 +0000

Let’s say that for whatever reason your teen looks forward to leaving your household one day, their focus is on getting OUT whichever way they can.

My hope is that they focus less on running away from you and take the time to plan what they want to run towards. Where they’re going is important otherwise it’s like running out of a burning building with hands waving in the air. They don’t realize they have no clothes on until the cold temperature grabs their chest by the neck. This type of escape is reckless and unorganized and causes more complications even though there is the temporary relief of being out of immediate danger.

Help your teen plan the escape so they can know they’re leaving to run towards something rather than just getting the h*ll out of your house.

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Your Teen’s Deal Breaker

teendoc — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 10:00:51 +0000

Every relationship has this, a deal breaker. Your teen has to figure out what this is for them.

Adults talk about deal breakers in terms of wheeling and dealing, but this is true of any relationship and your teen slowly realizes this over time as they interact with their peer group in increasingly intimate ways. A classic deal breaker is someone who wants to have sex too soon in a relationship. You think it’d be a no brainer on this one, but people compromise themselves all the time for acceptance.

Next time your teen is frustrated over something a friend does in the relationship ask ‘em, is that your deal breaker? Is that the point at which you know that person isn’t a good influence in your life? Maybe next time instead of frustration, they’ll ask themselves this question and do their own spring cleaning.