Challenging the Same-Sex Marriage Ban, Who Knew Iowa would be the Cool State?
Today, the California Supreme Court decided to uphold the vote on proposition 8 to ban same –sex marriage. They did approve that the 18, 000 marriages that were performed remain legal. Whether you support or oppose gay marriage, what can be agreed upon is that both sides are passionate about the issue.
It seemed like when birth control and the Sixties Love Fest began people were thinking, “What about the children?” And when this topic first came up, I immediately wondered,”what it would do for the gay teens and their parents that I see in my clinic to know that they could get married?” You see, this populations of teens, gay teens, are in the difficult position of having to pretend they are something else, heterosexual, in order to make others more comfortable. No parent gives birth thinking their child might be Gay and even if they are understanding and open minded, they may make negative comments about gays.
Teens are smart and they know the expectations of their parents and their community. The discomfort of pretending to be what your parents want and not what you are has caused stress in this teen population like depression, substance use, school failure and drop out, and suicide. Among non-gay teens suicide is the third leading cause of death, this number has been higher in gay teens. Gay teens have a higher chance of being bullied or teased in school, they are more at risk of abuse in their homes and they have a higher chance of dropping out of school because, who wants to attend school when you are picked on and beat up every day.
There are opinions about what marriage should be and what the image on the cake should look like, but if you consider that when gay teens are in a home and school where they are supported, loved and given appropriate discipline, they end up being like every other teen they attend school with, normal.
Parents who discover their teen is gay mourn what they thought their teen would have a family, a career, and no safety concerns. However, if more states pass the same-sex marriage law, joining the ranks of Iowa, Maine and New Hampshire, parents are going to mourn less and realize that they can still dream about their teen’s wedding and family that they will have one day. These parents and the community will realize that when gay teens feel supported and loved you end up with, well, normal.
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How would a parent who suspects their teen is gay ask them without pushing them away further or making them uncomfortable?
What a great question! Sometimes the teen is trying so hard not to disappoint their parents that they put on a good front that they are okay and they just aren’t interested in the opposite sex right now. This does not always work and there can be behavior changes likes depression, anger, school failure, somatic illness, eating disorders and substance use. Since it can be very dangerous to force someone to out themselves, you want to take it at their pace by always being open to all things different. Seeing their parent correct relatives who make negative comments about gay people or watching a heterosexually biased comercial and commenting on how biased it is can set the stage for your teen to come to you when they are ready. Of course, it always helps to remind them that you love them and will love them no matter what. Reminders are good because teens forget that you are offering unconditional love. Their questioning who they are may cause them to question that you would love them for who they are. So, be consistent about the message that it does not matter who they love and that either way you love them. A great resource for parents is Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbian and Gays. Thanks for the comment!
Very well put, teendoc. I work with gay, bisexual and trans kids in the South and we so need more of your perspective here. We see a wide range of response from parents of the kids in our Memphis Area Gay Youth (MAGY) group. It’s so touching to see how some parents truly embrace their kids, even dropping them off to our MAGY group meetings. Those kids often are the most socially well-adjusted of all the kids in the room. I really liked your point about if more states would join the few who honor same-sex marriages then parents would have less mourning to do about their kids sexuality. What an insightful point.