Giving the Gift of Self-Esteem
I wish I could give the gift of you seeing you as others see you. This is what I said to my patient today. However, every day I see someone I want to say this to. Ask what they think of their weight and invariably the girls are too fat and the guys are too small. Small, they want to be bigger. We all go though some degree of poor body image and I’m not saying that I don’t understand, I’m just saying I can’t wait until you get to the other side. And yes, I know some people never get there.
Early adolescence, when you are just starting to get boobs and you wake up with boners, essentially your body feels like there are pop rocks going off inside. Early adolescence when you are 10 to 14 years old. Remember that? You are not sure what is going on and if it is normal and is this going to turn out alright? If it were dim sum you might say, I‘ll take Halle’s body and Angelina Jolie’s lips, etc. I have to remind teens that those people did not know they were going to be that gorgeous, and with the make-up off they want to be them dressed up too. But, that is hard to get into an early teens head. They are still trying to figure out how the equipment works. To help them figure this out they compare themselves to others.
The gift of you seeing you as others see you is that you know that comparing yourself to others is pointless since if everyone looked like Angelina, Angelina would not be unique. There is something that each teen has that makes them unique. The goal is to find that thing and not blend in with the crowd. Part of being an early teen is a desire to fit in. You don’t want anything to be too different. Same hair cuts, clothes, bodies even if they have to starve themselves.
The way we help teens see their beauty and specialness comes from a constant influx of positive messages and then having them be good at something. We need to tell them how good they are. Tell them about their smile and their kindness and their ability to make you smile because you could not have asked for a better teen. We have to work harder to get them to see themselves the way we see them. How a mature adult sees them not the kid at school who posted a negative remark on their MySpace page.
If you ask a teen in your life, “what is it that you can do that is so easy you don’t even think about it?” Use the answer to provide other opportunities and make a connection to that teen. If they don’t have an answer, there is work that needs to be done. As adults, we have the advantage of maturity. Use that maturity to tell them how special they are. Use that maturity to give them the gift of allowing them to see themselves as you see them.
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