TheTeen Doc - Changing the World One Teen at a Time.

2010-8

But, My Kid’s A Genius

Category: Education | 2 Comments

Really smart kids have their issues too proving that everything that needs to be learned in high school isn’t just about good grades. Unfortunately, you don’t know that if you’re struggling to earn credits, but for teens that easily make the grade, the issue may be how they socialize. Yep! Good old-fashioned people skills.

It’s nice when people think the best of you. Your teen is smart and they’re pretty sure they’re gonna make it. People may know nothing of your teen other than they’re a sure bet to get the A, but there’s a lot of pressure that can come with this expectation. Just like any other identity concern, your teen may be so consumed with the expectations of others including you that it leaves no room for them to discover what they might like to do.

Being smart may also mean that your teen is the subject of their peer’s judgment. A smart kid doesn’t have fun, doesn’t know how to take a joke, isn’t cool. This can create a whole new level of social expectation for your smart teen, and this is to prove those peers wrong. This is of particular concern in senior year when a lot of the work of securing their undergraduate school is done. They may want to see what they have missed all these years and do some of the most atypical behavior that you ever thought you’d see in your teen.

Balance is key. Your teen must learn to avoid burying themselves so much in their studies that they forget the importance of just saying, “Hi.” They can’t forget they too have to connect with people and that people are more dimensional than the stories they read or the seemingly careless way they seem to enter more risky behavior than your teen has. Being smart is one part of excelling in this world, there are so many other parts that contribute to why smart people excel and many of them can be found in the other students that are not getting all As. So balance remains key. It’s great that your teen is academically gifted, but the basic elements of identity development, kindness and humility remain the root of even more success.

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2010-8

New Kid on the Block

Category: Education, Parenting | No Comments

One of the hardest things your teen will do is move mid-high school. If your teen has a great network of friends and extracurricular involvement especially in their last year of high school, be prepared for a huge battle.

Starting high school or even middle school is a big deal in and of itself, but to do this in the middle of your teen’s high school career can take that feeling of not belonging to another level. There is no sense of the new school’s customs or language. Your teen will find themselves completely out of their element. If they have a good sense of who they are or simply care more about their academic performance than they do socializing, this may be a minor issue. However for most teens this is a big enough issue that they may propose things like remaining behind for the move.

What can happen if you do need to move and you have a teen that has a very strong connection to friends they are leaving behind is a huge rebellion: Running away, belligerence, family stress are only some of the things you may be in for. If your teen doesn’t live close enough to run away to old friend’s homes, you may get an absolute numbness from your teen manifest as school failure, substance use or eating disorders, which allow your teen to control some aspect of their lives when they feel they can’t control any aspect of their life.

Chances are that if you’re moving there is a very good reason: job, financial burden or improvement, family, etc. but still if at all possible consider the position you put your teen in and prepare them so they have plenty of time to say good-bye to friends and if possible work out a way they can complete their high school career with old friends. You might also consider sending them early to their new school so they can participate in end of the year or summer programs to meet some of the students. Even if you’re moving for your teen’s own good, it’s still important to include them in talks irrespective of their chance to change your mind. This type of consideration helps them feel in some control over their lives and makes it more difficult for them to blame you for their disappointment.

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2010-8

School isn’t for Socializing?

Category: Education | No Comments

Any teen walking into high school has one big concern, who is my posse? Yes, there are some teens that are going to be more concerned with if they will excel academically, but more often than not your teen is going to be concerned with which table they sit at during lunch.

Please don’t fault your teen for having this anxiety; they’re social beings by nature. This is because their job is to discover who they are independent of you. You have placed one set of expectations on them and it is time to figure out if they want these expectations to stick, making friends is the best way to figure that out. Being a slave to making friends is when you should be concerned.

Friends are like any other pastime, it should never distract them from their job so much that they get fired. In high School this means failing. Sometimes quizzes and projects can go by so fast they have failed a semester before they realize what has happened. Develop a check system a month into the semester to decide whether they’re managing their social and academic time well. Do this again another month into the semester so you have a way to assess your teen’s time management skills before things are too disastrous.

Consider all avenues of socializing when you make these assessments so computer, phone and actually hanging out. One of your teen’s jobs in high school is to develop time management skills. You owe it to them to see how they do before you step in and micromanage, but it never hurts to give them a heads up before school starts. A contract posted on the fridge stating your expectations and what you have agreed upon saves a lot of tantrums later.

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2010-8

Hitting the Academic Wall

Category: Education, Parenting | No Comments

Your teen has always done well in school. All of a sudden their grades are dropping and none of the usual culprits seem to be playing a role: depression, bullying, socializing, etc. If this is happening it could mean that your teen has hit their academic wall.

Every teen is going to hit their academic wall at a different point; For some it will be middle school, others in sophomore year of high school and still others in college. If they have done well in school until this point meaning, they didn’t have to really study to get very good or decent grades, it is going to be a very big shock when they don’t do well. All of a sudden their old tricks don’t work and they actually have to study, ask a teacher a question and possibly get a tutor! This is normal. Two very common times this happens are freshman and junior years in high school.

This happens because although your teen may be struggling academically, they are still much smarter than they were in elementary school. Their brain has the capacity to learn more information and do more things with the information they learn. So the answers are going to be asked in more challenging ways. It is important to let your teen know that this hardly means they have become dumb, but that they may have to develop a new skill set to learn how to study for this new type of material.

The later your teen hits their academic wall the harder it may be to handle the fact that they have reached their natural ability limit. If it manifests as a failure this can be devastating to your teen’s ego and the way they think others view them, as smart. They can take it so personally they feel well, dumb. They can feel like a fake thinking they were never as smart as others said they were and this can ignite a depression that prevents them from doing well in courses they don’t even have a problem with.

Your teen should be challenged. This is how they get better at everything from sports to school work to their personal interactions with others. If this is going to break them, they are in for a big surprise in the real world because after all that is what life does; it challenges them to be their better selves, and this is what they become if it doesn’t break them down.

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2010-8

9 Healthy Back to School Habits!

Category: Education, Parenting | No Comments

School has started or will be starting for many of you. In addition to the relief your teen will now be doing something productive with their day, there should be a clear game plan for the coming year. This includes setting goals, reviewing last year’s pitfalls and improving upon last year’s successes. In this way, you prepare your tween or teen to have a great academic year. Here’s a checklist that can help you get started.

1. Eating
Good nutrition is always important and if you have a tween this year may be one of the first where their meals come from outside the home. This means some of their diet is out of your control. Even if they’re growing, you can see weight gain from eating too much fast food, constipation which can cause sluggishness and fatigue and depression from the weight gain and pressures associated with socializing. You can limit the junk food in the home and encourage a sport or other physical activity to counter these effects.

2. Socializing
Fitting in is so important to tweens and teens especially in middle school and early in high school. However, if your teen has not grasped the art of organization and planning, they can come close to failing a semester before they realize they’re spending too much time hanging out with friends and worrying about crushes to do homework or study. Sometimes the damage can be irreversible so it’s important to make early and frequent check-ins to change the rules if you notice too much socializing and grades dropping.

3. Media Rules
The younger the teen the stricter the rules, but some rules can apply irrespective of your teen’s age. It’s good practice to limit the fun in your teen’s room by eliminating TVs, video games and computers from your teen’s room. These things should be in central locations to help you monitor use and keep you involved in your teen’s life. Furthermore, it makes no sense that a teen who is practically failing have any sort of media in their room. Their room should be designed to study and sleep, not entertain. This is what the living room or den is for.

4. Phone
Every family has their own rules about using the phone, but a good rule of thumb is that the younger the teen the more involved you should be in their phone use. With a history of responsible use and grades maintained you can give more privileges, but always remember that your teen is still maturing and their tendency is to take a mile, not to spite you, but because that’s the way teens think. It’s your job to give them the structure so they learn how to be responsible.

5. Sleep
The average teen needs between nine and nine and a half hours of sleep at night. Your teen has most likely been sleeping until noon and going to bed at early morning hours. If they try and clean this sleep up with naps and sleeping in on the weekend the end result can be insomnia. Bedtimes and wake-up times should be consistent even on the weekend, naps should be kept to a minimum and catching up on sleep is best done by going to bed early the next night.

6. Study habits
If your teen did poorly because they didn’t know how to study for a particular class, it’s time to review what they did last year and improve upon it this year. Things like asking questions in or after class, improving organizational skills, tutors, and a quiet study space void of media can help improve study skills significantly.

7. Extracurricular activities
For some teens extracurricular activities are going to be a great outlet to get them excited about school and for others it may hold them back because they’re too exhausted to study. Decide which is your teen, and decide early when the primary focus should be academics or if your teen is benefiting from the extra demands a sport or club can place on them.

8. Mental health
Preferably before school starts, but even a month into school start assessing your teen’s mental health status. Poor coping mechanisms like eating disorders, substance use as well as reactive underlying disorders like depression and even Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) that can sometimes go untreated over the summer may rear their heads again when the school year starts. Restarting medication or therapy sessions can be an important way of enabling your teen to do their best in the coming year.

9. Work
Making extra money is a great way for your teen to learn about money and responsibility as well as develop planning and budgeting skills. However, if they’re working to add to the family till or too distracted by financial goals, their school work may begin to suffer. Your teen’s first priority is school. As such, you should monitor their status academically in order to know when to gently suggest they decrease hours or eliminate the extra work entirely.

Other Resources:

Middle School Stress! How to calm your back to school jitters

Dr Lynne Kenney

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2010-8

I Didn’t Ask To Be Born!

Category: Parenting | No Comments

This is true. If you haven’t heard this one already, stay tuned. It may be coming to a parent-teen argument near you. Here’s the kicker though, they didn’t.

The story goes that when Halle Berry found out she was pregnant she was so happy she saved the pregnancy test. Now that’s happy. If she keeps half of that kind of joy through her daughter’s life she’ll have the gift of treasuring more moments than not. This element of wonderment helps keep you in love with your teen and less annoyed by the things that don’t matter so much. Here are some tips to help you:

1. Birth Story

Remember when your teen was first born and you re-tell the story of your delivery over and over again? You look back at your baby and sigh that you are sooooo in love. Here’s the thing, even if you didn’t have the most perfect birth story for your teen the ultimate reward of finally meeting your baby must have been amazing. If you can remind of yourself of finally getting to see your teen when they were a baby after all that waiting and labor, you can really help keep your sense of awe for your teen at the forefront.

2. The Good Stuff

Now this doesn’t mean you have to be in denial about your teen’s shortcomings, but it does mean that you should probably think about the good stuff as much or more than the bad stuff. This is to counter the human nature of always thinking about what needs to be fixed in someone like your mate. Getting into the habit of thinking about someone’s good qualities can help you stay in a good mood around them. It also has the added effect of bringing out the best in them. How’s that for a win-win situation?

3. Forget the Bad Stuff

This may seem like reminding yourself about the good stuff, but this is more about letting the past stay in the past. Forgiveness allows you to move on. You have to remember your teen is learning how to ride the bike of adulthood and they need their training wheels right now. They’re going to make mistakes in fact they’re supposed to make mistakes that‘s what you’re there for to help them learn from mistakes not remind them so much that they’re paralyzed by them. This is when you preface every reason you cannot give them permission with, “Well last time I let you fill in the blank, you botched it up and the police were called!”

4. Your Funeral

This may not be something you want to think about, but the best way to be prepared is to plan ahead. Act as if today is the last day and say things you might not ordinarily say to loved ones like your teen. This type of presence in the now has a way of expediting someone’s forgiveness, kindness, and demonstration of emotions towards another person. Try it and see if it does not change your teens reaction towards you. You can’t keep living on the last time you said, “I love you.” Try saying it again.

So the next time your teen walks out the door, even if they were so grumpy that morning consider how you would act if you knew you might not see them ever again as a way to get through the hurt.. Consider your birth story and how you are gratful to have them. No your teen didn’t ask to be born, you did. Let them know you certainly are glad they were born and they sure are a keeper!

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2010-8

Stop Telling Me What To Do!

Category: Parenting, Teen General Development, Tween | No Comments

“I just hate it when people tell me what to do.” That’s what she said in response to why she is so irritated when her Mom asks her to do something. Well, do you know what to do? She said, “Yes.” Then why not do it before your mother has to remind you?

This is the issue isn’t it? Teen don’t always realize that you don’t really want to remind them to do things. They imagine you running to wag your finger in their face about doing this or that chore or thing. Sometimes it helps to remind them that you too have better things to do. If you know you have to do it and it is expected that you do it, then do it before you are asked and then it isn’t so much as someone told you what to do as much as it is about you remembering to do what you are supposed to do. What’s in it for your teen?

1. Independence
Independent thinking and the portrayal of being independent are key to being left to your own devices. Your teen forgets that if they do what they’re asked it makes them look good. It means they understand that it has to be done; they fit it in as they need to and they move on. Work then play. You aren’t going to be as nervous when they ask for other tasks that require more independence. This is the same thing their boss is going to be looking for.

2. Confidence
Not just theirs, but yours. Your confidence in their ability to handle things when you’re not around opens you up to other things they can do when you’re not around: Going to friend’s homes, overnights, away trips with their friends, a later curfew. By taking charge you trust that you can say something once, they heard you and understand the importance of what you are asking.

3. Responsible
You’re trying to raise your teen to be responsible. A responsible adult makes you feel like they can make good decisions and be self-sufficient without you micromanaging them. A responsible adult is self-motivated to complete tasks, organize and plan ahead. When they do a chore without being asked several times and it is done well, you can imagine they do other things equally well rather than wondering how are they going to make it on their own when they can’t even remember to put the milk back after using it.

4. Helping Out
The team of family so important especially if you are a single parent and there isn’t someone else to tag team. You need all your members to be on board and participating. When one member is weak it makes the whole family weak. When your teen steps up to do their part not because they love doing dishes or cleaning their room, but because they see you work so hard and don’t want you doing more than your share, it can only make you want to do more for your teen to show your appreciation. It is the kind of cycle that anyone can be proud of.

In the gentlest way possible, relay to your teen, “These are my chores. These are your chores. If you don’t want to remind me about cooking meals and giving you rides, how bout you step up on your end of the chores. I don’t like reminding you either. As a matter of fact, I don’t like telling you what to do at all. How ‘bout you do it before I have to ask and we make for a happier place?” Now if they can’t remember the chores they shouldn’t remember about the night out, the party, the car or the overnight either; No fights either because parents really hate being told what to do.

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2010-8

Could My Teen Have OCD?

Category: Mental Health, Teen General Development | No Comments

Your teen appears to be walking funny. You’re watching them from behind and it reminds you of that old school yard game, step on a crack and break your momma’s back. You ask your teen what’s up with the funny walk and they look worried. More worried than you think they should. Actually, they look scared.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a type of anxiety disorder. There are two components to this disorder and they are the obsession and the compulsion. The obsession can be fear based as in; Did I turn off the stove? did I lock the door? Are my loved ones okay? Is that fruit clean? What might that person have done with their hand before offering it to me to shake? These obsessive thoughts need something to help calm the person down so a ritual is developed to self-soothe. The ritual is called the compulsion. They have to do it or the obsession will make them very anxious. They can become so anxious they have a panic attack and pass out. It is truly that scary.

People frequently use the expression “OCD” to refer to someone who is very anal retentive or meticulous. Perhaps you can see now how that is an incorrect use of what it means to be OCD. OCD is a common mental health disorder that develops in the early to mid teen years and can be recognized by the debilitating rituals that compromise their function like repeated hand washing or scrubbing the skin raw in the shower to rid of germs. Some celebrities with OCD include the actor Leonardo DiCaprio who fights the urge to repeatedly walk through doorways, the singer Katie Perry who has melt downs when she sees fingerprints on shades and the performer Justin Timberlake who has only certain foods in his fridge and who needs his environment extremely neat and orderly for him to function are examples of what your teen may do. Part of the difficulty suppressing compulsions is that your teen thinks something bad will happen possibly to a loved one if the compulsion is not done. Again, with this kind of fear-based anxiety, it is easy to empathize.

Treatment can involve everything from cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to medication, if the anxiety is completely overwhelming. The point is there is absolutely help for this condition and you should seek this for your teen because it will help them get the most out of life rather than being imprisoned by rituals that hold them back from living life. The celebrities above have made the decision to resist their compulsions and have become quite successful. How ‘bout your teen?

Resources:

OCD Quiz http://psychcentral.com/ocdquiz.htm

OCD info http://helpguide.org/mental/obsessive_compulsive_disorder_ocd.htm

Support Groups:

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2010-8

4 Questions Your Dating Teen Should Know

Category: Sexual Health, Teen General Development | No Comments

You’re watching your teen discuss the new interest in their life. You’re struck by the perfection of the other person. You interject a question here and there and what is meant as a gentle reality check provokes shock and disagreement. You secretly hope they don’t get hurt since well, they don’t seem like as good a match as your teen makes it sound.

Although your teen in love can seem completely out of this world, you can teach them a systematic way to look at their relationship and more importantly look at themselves within a relationship. A great system of checks and balances makes sure they’re on the right rack in their relationship. Kaycee Jayne author of Frog or Prince? The Smart Girl’s Guide to Boyfriends has four questions that can put falling in love, less of a fall.

1. Are they a source of attraction for me?
Your teen is clearly taken by this person, and you can often tell by what they’re willing to do for this potential mate. They may even ask about a certain recipe or offer to get up at 5.00 AM for a run. You think to yourself you’re going to be up at 5.00A? These are the acts of kindness that are easy to do when you’re teen is attracted to someone. They don’t feel like a chore because they get such a rush for doing nice things for and with this person. However Ms Jane warns that this feeling isn’t confused with the physical chemistry someone feels in a relationship. The physical chemistry can make someone think they’re in love and is used unfortunately to make excuses for a potential partner’s bad behavior towards them. So your teen keeps doing nice things and attending to this partner’s needs while ignoring their own. Over time with little being given back your teen may not feel so good about getting up at 5.00A. If your teen is starting to complain about all the stuff they do for their partner, the answer to whether this person is a source of attraction for them might be, “No.”

2. Do I like myself when I am with them?
Jealousy, fear and anxiety are things that can happen when your teen feels like they don’t know enough about their partner’s feelings about them. Sometimes partners will consciously keep a mate guessing to be mean since it bring s up someone’s insecurities. If this happens for your teen they may notice that they don’t feel very cared for or loved in their relationship. This feeling makes them act desperate and insecure making your teen call, text or check up on their partner, ask about glances at other people or create drama to test the person’s love for them. Your teen becomes someone they don’t like when they’re with this person and that can be a huge revelation for your teen. If your teen is behaving like this with their new partner, the answer to whether they like themselves when they’re with this person might be, “No.”

3. Do I like this person as a person when they aren’t with me?
This is more than someone just wondering what others will say about my partner. This is about looking at this person with a critical mind and assessing what kind of person is this? Is this someone who helps an elderly person with their bags when they see them struggling near their car or is it someone who steals from the shopping bag as the woman has her back turned as she loads her car herself? Deciding whether their partner has admirable characteristics doesn’t mean they have to be a saint, but they should be someone of whom your teen is proud when others talk about them. These behaviors tell your teen a lot about who they are dating. If they find themselves saying, Wow, I don’t like having to defend who this person is to others because I don’t like their behavior, then the answer to if they like the person when they aren’t with your teen might be, “No.”
However the pull of physical chemistry can be so strong that your teen still makes excuses as to why their partner is acting the way they do. Your teen may even think they can change the partner for the better by staying in the relationship or that the person will change for your teen. This rarely happens; People change because they want to not because of a relationship.

4. Am I a source of attraction for them?
Just like your teen doing things for someone they are attracted to, the person they’re interested in should want to do things for your teen. When your teen seems to give a lot and get nothing in return in terms of compromise or acts of kindness, your teen should begin to wonder if this person is attracted to them or cares for them enough to make these kinds of compromises. If the answer is that this person is not willing to make such compromises for your teen then your teen’s answer to if they are the source of attraction for this person might be, “No.”
With four Nos, it may be best for your teen to consider ending this relationship. It doesn’t mean it isn’t hard since physical chemistry can make someone so heartbroken, but in order for your teen to create a healthy, mutually sacrificial and rewarding relationship they need practice asking these tough questions and listening to their even tougher answers.

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2010-8

Eminem’s Take on Domestic Abuse

Category: Abuse, Sexual Health, Teen General Development | 3 Comments

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn. This is Rihanna’s line in the Eminem song Love the way you lie. The lyrics and video are hard because the pain and the romance is uncensored, as it should be.

If there were a way to have your body shut down when you’re in a relationship that’s all bad for you, we could all be better for it. But as it happens seventeen, possibly the age when Eminem met Kim, the most likely muse for this song, is about the time 1 in 3 teens say they know of someone who has been in a relationship where they have been hit, slapped, punched, or kicked.1 Of the teens in an abusive relationship eighty percent stay.1 They stay for years and when they finally get out if they are a recording artist they write a song called Love the Way You Lie.

You push pull each other’s hair/scratch, claw, bit ‘em/throw ‘em down/pin ‘em/so lost in the moments when you’re in ‘em/It’s the rage that took over/It controls you both…and it is very controlling. One might even say over powering.

The video has been called sexualized because after all Rihanna is standing there in only what Rihanna would be seen in -a pair of hot pants and Megan Fox, the girlfriend in the video, is terribly cute with pouty lips and long dark hair, but the fights are painful. They look real and when you are in a relationship like this you see the person as your sexual object not your abuser that is what Eminem is trying to tell you when he says, “I can only tell you what it feels like.” Ask the teen that was forced by her parents to file charges against her boyfriend for breaking her arm. She sits there welling up as she says, “I feel bad because now he has a record.” She didn’t feel that bad about her broken arm.

Cause when it’s going good/It’s going great/I’m Superman/With the wind at his back/She’s Lois Lane because unfortunately even when it hurts, hurts like the pain of when you touch fire, which should register to your brain that you never touch it again –the desire to be loved is so very strong. The hole in your teen that prevents them from feeling whole without this person or any person makes them go back, makes them stay. Makes them come to love the highs and lows and suffer the lows because the highs are absolutely intoxicating. If they did not have their father fill that hole, or their mother fill that hole and they instead took the drill and made the hole bigger, this type of love is absolutely intoxicating. No one understands looking in from the outside because it doesn’t make any sense to an outsider. No one can make them leave until they’re strong enough to understand that the pain is well, painful and furthermore unnecessary.

I laid hands on her/I never stoop so low again/I guess I don’t know my own strength, and teens don’t. Adults who still have these emotional needs never really got passed a lot of the emotional challenges of being a teen because lack of support stunts your development. Why people are in abusive relationships, why they stay and why they will see what they want in this video even if there were subtitles is so complicated that it could never be explained simply. What we can do is talk, talk, talk and challenge our sons and daughters to think more of themselves, think of how others treat them and consider always… consider that everything like everyone has a context, a history, and nothing is as it seems on the surface. Otherwise, why after being so brutally beaten could Rhianna still say, “I love him.”

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TheTeenDoc.com
Changing the World One Teen at a Time

But, My Kid’s A Genius

New Kid on the Block

School isn’t for Socializing?

Hitting the Academic Wall

9 Healthy Back to School Habits!

I Didn’t Ask To Be Born!

Stop Telling Me What To Do!

Could My Teen Have OCD?

4 Questions Your Dating Teen Should Know

Eminem’s Take on Domestic Abuse

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