4 Tips to Teen Parenting in Bad Times
When the teacher walks up to you and tells you great things about your teen, the pride on your face is hard to hide. When your teen does something less respectable the frustration of the moment can sometimes make it seem like they’re always doing something wrong. Some parents view this as such a reflection of them that they ask, “How could you do this to me?”
Well, the truth is that they are not doing it to you. They do things to themselves, but they are in a constant state of change and must learn from those moments and so should you. When I talk to parents about changing their teen’s behavior, I can get comments like, “you don’t know her like I do” or “Well let’s see how long that lasts.” Comments like these especially in front of your teen only serve to lower expectations and destroy any sense of hope that your teen has to make their relationship with you better.
As difficult as it is when you have been disappointed by your teen’s behavior, you must take a deep breath and turn a new page. Without the hope of earning your trust, your teen may give up hope that your relationship will be better. This can be the spark that perpetuates a cycle of bad behavior since what do they have to lose? So, when something goes wrong, try:
1. Tone. Speak in a nonjudgmental tone rather than someone who knows your teen did it. Teens are smart enough to hear this in your voice and will react to it by “acting” like they don’t care about how serious the misdeed is just to shake off how sad they are.
2. Listen. Listen to your teen’s side of the story or at least their interpretation of events. It really helps make your teen feel like they are heard and you believe in their desire to do well.
3. Empathy. Understanding for the position that your teen is in goes a long way. Teens have no power to make household decisions and they are struggling for independence from you, along the way they do stupid things that make sense at the time. Remember, they are still maturing and do not always think about the consequences of their actions. They should not be punished for that lack of understanding, but taught how to think about it next time.
4. Forgive. Once the entire ordeal has been explained and understood, the misdeed has to be placed in a vault and “forgotten.” Bringing this up every time you get into an argument with your teen is no way to change their behavior. It makes them feel like it is hopeless and they will never earn your trust back. This is a dangerous place to put your teen because they simply give up trying to please you.
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