5 Things You Must Do In Your Next Argument With Your Teen
Arguing with anyone is an art, but especially with your teen. When you argue with your teen it isn’t simply about the argument since the argument itself is a teachable moment. It certainly isn’t about being right either. No, it’s about teaching your teen how to argue. When you use this as the reason for the argument, it’s hard to say things you don’t want to say, but first you have to know how to argue fair.
1. Check your temp (er): If you‘re really pissed off. Save it for another time. You’re asking for trouble if you start anything at this time. Tell your teen why you’re choosing to wait and you can always throw in some nice words like, “You deserve to hear that I care and I’m angry that I was worried about you and not that I’m angry at you.” See already, the argument has turned gentlemanly.
2. Check your body: Hovering over your teen, jabbing a finger in the air or hands on hips are fighting stances. This is bound to make your teen feel defensive. They can see how angry you are so you can’t lie about it and it will keep them angry and less inclined to continue speaking with you.
3. Inside voice: Do not yell. Yelling never gets you heard. It doesn’t make you more right and it never makes anyone want to listen. So speak softly if at all possible. Let them hear the concern in your voice without the anger.
4. Be present: know what you’re arguing about and just argue about that. You don’t have to bring up things they did when they were a baby. This is not going to help them listen to why they concerned you with whatever behavior it was. Instead, try elevating your expectations of them with words like, “You’re so much better than that though so it doesn’t make sense that you would do something like that.”
5. Happy ending: If you can manage it, since these arguments are about your concern stemming from your love for them, show them some. Give a hug, shake a hand or just say, “I love you.” Let them know it’s all coming from a loving place. You’re more likely to get the behavior changed with honey than with lemon juice.
There is a fine art to arguing and the wise person argues to have their feelings heard rather than to prove they’re right. You get so much more accomplished this way.
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