5 Tips to help your Teen Figure Out who they are
Michael Jackson’s death stunned the world. Keith Richards, Mick Jagger and Quincy Jones have outlived Michael Jackson. People who some might say have lived a much harder adult life. All the money in the world and he lived to be a measly fifty years old. You should start living at this age. It certainly says a lot about what money can and can’t buy. It says a lot about how being true to yourself is important to live a good life and being happy whether you become successful or not.
As a teen, Michael Jackson gained independence from his parents by collaborating with Quincy Jones to do what would begin the best work of his life “Off the Wall” and the record breaking “Thriller.” These albums (they were still called albums back then), were significant for several reasons but especially because they allowed him to do something that all teens need to do, separate and gain independence from his parents.
There are many hypotheses as to the type of Dad, Mr. Jackson was –verbally abusive or controlling are the rumors, and we will never know since we did not grow up in that home, but whether true or not the struggle for independence that was seen through those albums gave Michael Jackson his freedom even if it was at a price.
Michael Jackson had not had the opportunity to experience the events that precede the final pull for freedom (opportunities to experiment with various friends and connect with others his age without the celebrity) and so in some ways his mind stayed a teen struggling to discover himself. He seemed to be searching for who he was in all of those songs, clothes, skin colors, child-like friends and amusement parks. He seemed to be reinventing himself as if to try on different versions of himself in order to figure out who he was, leaving us to ponder if all the complaints of not being understood really had to do with him not understanding himself.
For parents who are fortunate enough to still have their teens at home be patient with your teen who is experimenting and trying on different ideas of themselves. Through all of the dyed hair, clothes trends, change of friends and haircuts lays an adult in waiting. There is nothing more interesting than watching the process and discovering what will emerge. With support they will figure it out, but the ones who struggle may dabble with alcohol, drugs, body image distortion, eating disorders and depression. Only with a lot of hard work will these teens eventually develop a love and appreciation for how special they are; an idea of them being good enough just as they are. Perhaps Michael Jackson may finally find peace with his struggle of who he was. I’m not sure he ever figured out what a special person he was and the gift he was fortunate to give to the world.
Here are 5 ways you can help your teen on the road to figuring out who they are:
1. Teen Style. Any physical change that is not harmful, let it pass. You may want your teen to dress like what YOU think is appropriate, but part of being a teen is fitting in with their peers. So if there are no safety issues (gang colors or dress), there is no potential for sexual misunderstanding (too short shorts or skirts or tops or jeans that are too low). Let it go.
3. Hair. Hair will grow back so arguments over hair cuts or color is absolutely not worth it. The response from their peers will often let things resolve by themselves.
4. Music. You aren’t supposed like teen’s music. It’s great if you do, but it is their music. The key here is to save any discussion for safety or socialization issues (mistreatment or abusive language of women, gays or ethnic groups are not to be tolerated).
5. Feedback. If you have nothing nice to say then say nothing at all. Criticism is only going to let them know that they can push your button with this behavior. They will keep it up long after it is no longer fun to keep pushing your button. On the other hand, if you like something say so although this may be all that is needed for them to stop the behavior.
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