6 Helpful tips about Teen Grief
He told me his Dad died of a heart attack a year ago. He was doing fine and chuckled that he knew it seemed like everyone he was close to had died, but he really was doing well now. On the day his father died, he had not done so well and never imagined he would get to this point, but he was in fact okay. How did he get here?
Grief can be overwhelming. It is the intense sorrow caused by the loss of a loved one especially in the case of death. The intensity will look different depending on the teen. All teens are not the same and they do not talk about their feelings the same and therefore may look absolutely fine one minute and then fall apart the next. In order to help your teen through a difficult period like this, it is important to remember a few things:
1. Talk. Talk and be willing to talk about their loved one. Teens may be silent, but do not let that mislead you with their silence. Sometimes they simply need someone else to start the conversation or their concern over not wanting to upset the adult around them causes them to keep it to themselves.
2. Participation. Let your teen be a part of honoring their loved one at the funeral or other celebration with some responsibility or telling a story of remembrance. These are great opportunities to honor your teens feelings.
3. Reassure. Teens sometimes come to the oddest conclusions. For example, since they did not know the grandparent as well or as long as you did, they don’t feel they have a right to feel sad. This is not true. Let them know that it is through them that the spirit of that loved one lives and a life can make an impact in a moment, the length of time is irrelevant.
4. Memorialize. Collect memories to place in a book, plant a tree in their favorite park or make a donation to their favorite charity. This allows an opportunity to have others know that this person lived, had a family and existed even though they are no longer here. A big concern is that the loved one will be forgotten and so opportunities to remember them allows your teen to heal.
5. Gift. Let them select something to keep as a reminder of that person. Cufflinks, jewelry or old clothes with their loved one’s smell allow them to greive while carring a part of their loved one with them.
6. Talk. I cannot stress the importance of talking enough. Teens can suppress their feelings about the loss and act out their feelings through anger, depression and other more poor coping mechanisms. Until they begin to talk about the loss and what it means to them they will stay at that stage of development and never get through the loss.
You never really get over the loss of a loved one, however, you can get through it and your teen needs your help to do that. They want to talk to you, but they are afraid they will make you cry. They want to ask someone about their loved one, but they are afraid it will bring up too many sad memories. Without talking, they will need to stay at that moment of having heard about the death in order to save everything they have left of their loved one. They think their loved one slips away with every moment they are happy or carefree. They do not know that their grief or time spent greiving does not honor their one’s life any more than chosing to get As.
Give your teen the tools to move on while honoring the person they loved. Give them the space to know that they can come to you and although you too may get upset that you will both feel better having spoken. Don’t you want them to be happy after you die? For more information about dealing with loss and connecting to others go to the Grief Blog.
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