Are Your Words Hurting Your Teen?
Teasing and bullying are not just done by other kids. Sometimes parents are the ones doing the name-calling. I was speaking to a teen in my clinic who was preparing to leave for college. I was concerned because I wanted him to be sure he had a good support system in place (e.g. physician, therapist, and other group like Narcotics Anonymous). I am like this with all teens, but especially teens who have had trouble coping in the past and used substance use, eating disorders, or depression to cope.
He began to tell me how he had already taken steps to support himself such as moving out of his childhood home. He went on to explain how that was part of the initial pull to his addiction with drugs, living with a parent who was always calling him “idiot” or saying “ move out! See if I care. Do you think anyone cares about you? You are nothing!” As hard as these words were for me to hear, I kept thinking of how much harder they must have been for him to hear from someone who was supposed to love him.
Being a parent is a tough job. There are no breaks for exhaustion or do-overs for the comment that just pierced a spear through your teen’s heart. It is important that we are aware of how important our words are to our teens and not take their “whatever” attitude towards us as a sign that we can say whatever we want to them without it hurting who they become as adults.
Preventing this type of abuse of your teen takes lots of practice, but little things like:
1. Taking a time-out for yourself if you notice you are getting too angry.
2. Saving discipline for after you have calmed down, and
3. Reading from a written statement
can help decrease the amount of negativity you direct at your teen. Of course, if this is too difficult a pattern for you to break or you find yourself with a teen whose behavior is out of control, then you should seek professional parenting or family counseling services to reverse the behavior.
Every word thrown at teens is plastered on the wall of who they think they are. If they begin to believe those negative words, it can take a lifetime to reverse. In the meantime, they may struggle to love themselves through poor coping behaviors like substance use, eating disorders and depression.
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