Back Talkin’ Tween
“My teen is getting a bit mouthy. There was a time that I could sidle up to her and we would just giggle. Now, I just look her way and the look back just makes me want to run in the opposite direction.”
A sure sign that you have a budding teenager at home is witnessing the joy now seen on your teen’s face when they are around their friends, not you. When they’re around you, there is only sullen silence. Ahhh, the joys of the teen years. The rough part is that this type of response doesn’t make you want to do more for your teen, it makes you want to do less or nothing. It can make you resentful about all you actually do for your teen. It can make you not like your teen. This is the critical part of parenting a teen, being able to love them despite their almost constant struggle to get you out of their life.
First, remember this is what they’re supposed to do. They’re supposed to want to leave you some day to be a self-sufficient grown up. If you can take a moment to consider that this is the goal, you can look at their struggle with admiration, almost. But why you? Why be rude to the person that feeds them? Well, they know better than to do that with the outside world. If they were that rude to teachers or friends they’d be in big trouble and have no friends. No, better to mouth off to you, the worst that can happen is that they are grounded. No harm, and no foul there.
Yes, it is a shock the first time they talk back. You almost can’t believe your ears, but the teaching you do is in your reaction to their mouthiness. You can teach them through the tone you use to respond, the feelings you use to respond and the compassion you use to respond how to express their discontent without being rude. Think about this voice of rebellion and what they should be practicing to use it for. It is the same voice that you want them to strengthen and use against the person who asks them to use drugs, have sex or steal some costume jewelry. So the next time she goes off and talks back, make sure you aren’t yelling back, check your attitude and use the moment to teach when you say, “There’s no reason to be rude, I hear you. Please tell me your that mouthy at the person asking you to do something you don’t want to do too.”
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