My Parents Would Die!
“My parents would die if they found out.” Teens think their parents are fragile and will fall apart after hearing certain things about them and so they keep it to themselves. This is fine when it’s something light like their favorite band, or they held hands after school with someone. Not so much when the concern is life threatening.
A teen was acting so unlike herself that her counselor and principal called her Mom almost daily to come pick her up from school. As a result, Mom just kept her home to keep everyone concerned safe. When the teen came for a check-up, she was referred for to psychiatry. Her drug screen returned positive. When I asked the teen to share the information with her Mom she said, “Does she have to know? We don’t have to do all that?”
This teen needed to understand the concerns: she was missing school and everyone was worried about her behavior. It’s important teens know they can’t keep things to themselves when they have shown they can’t act responsibly.
We understand teens don’t want to tell, but I also know that safety is really everyone’s first concern. However, teens are more likely to tell if parents are:
1. Able to listen and hear the entire story before making a comment.
2. Parents reserve judgement and instead ask questions about what was going on for your teen when this was happening.
3. Parents express that they are confident in their teen’s ability to make a good decision even if this decision was a bad one.
4. Parents show empathy. Even if you don’t understand, say, “I understand that it might be difficult for you.” Ask them to share more about that difficulty with you.
These are great ways to begin to let your teens know that you will die only if they are not safe. You can handle everything else.
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I would also add, in some form, that parents must keep the lines of communication open at all times. They must begin at an early age with consistent reminders that no matter how mad the child may think they will be to call at ANY time. Also, to let them know that although friends may say ‘everyone’ is doing x; in most (99%) cases this is inaccurate. I feel if parents can share their life journey, the peer pressures they faced and how their parents helped them, as appropriate, etc., this will help the teen open up. For example, I consistently share with my son what I faced as a child from Middle school on and how I realized later in life how helpful my parents had been to work through the peer pressure, body image issues (I was the tall (dark) skinny girl), etc
“When I was your age…”
“Things are not the same now as it was ‘back then’ ”
“I once had a boyfriend/girlfriend who…”
“It isn’t the same thing. I am not you.”
“I am just trying to help you.”
“I don’t need any help”
How do we respond to the teen who has a response to everything? I have had the experience of coming across many teens as these and many of us recall our own similar responses as teens. Trying to feel your way around the path of ‘what do I say’ can feel a lot like walking on eggshells. Many times instead of listening, we are trying to figure out a way for us to be heard. Sometimes allowing the teen to talk and really giving them a sense you are listening to them without another agenda offers more than words. It may make the path clear for not only what to say, but when to say it.
I think you answered your own question brilliantly! Thanks!