Disciplining your Teen
“No.” I know how much this means to you, but, “No.” Giving someone everything they want does not make them love you more. It also does not make them ever stop asking for the next thing, or consider that the next thing should be more, shall we say, reasonable. No, the requests simply gets more bizarre. They will just keep upping the ante.
Everyone has a different boundary for too much or too little no. Denying your teen has an emotional significance for many parents especially working parents that may not get to spend a lot of time with their teen. For example, you are not the teen parent who can make all of the games or drop everything to be the chaperone on a school trip. This can make you feel bad. This can make your teen feel bad. You can handle your teen’s reaction to you saying, No” in several ways:
1. Guilt. Buy them a lot of stuff to make up for you not being there because you feel so guilty for not being there.
2. Project. You can vent all your anger and frustration onto your teen when they ask for anything because you are so upset that you can’t give them something. You yell at them for asking and showing how once again you have to say, “No I can’t do that.” This makes you feel even worse.
3. Be manipulated. You can let your teen get away with bad behavior because you feel they “deserve” a little wiggle room since they have a parent that must work to provide for the family.
4. Communicate. You can do what you can when you can and state that you would like to do things since you would find it fun as well, but you have to work or have a prior commitment. They get your time and not some trinket that may get lost or break.
If you guessed the last option, you are on the right track, but don’t fret too much if you thought one of the first few sounded good. That’s part of learning to parent your teen. Teens really need you to be the parent. They want you to be fair, not too permissive. Being firm and fair shows you are in charge and teens feel safe in that type of environment. In other words, don’t be afraid to say, “No.” They know when they are pushing the limits and really expect you to say, “No.” They have to throw a fit if you say no because who would they be if they didn’t try and change your mind? Well, an adult.
Giving a teen everything they want does not teach them about patience, or the value of people or things. It turns out that these teens become adults with insatiable emotional holes that they try and fill with stuff. They can make the “stuff” anything: food, jewelry, cars, clothes, CDs, you name it. Worse, they are not very good at living with others since they always want and expect their way. So they have trouble working and living with others. I don’t think this was on your list of things to help prepare your teen to leave home.
Some people have trouble saying, “No” to anyone. Please don’t make your teen one of those people.
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