Great Expectations from your Teen
Expecting a lot of your teen is a great way to let them know you think they are capable of great things. Meeting these expectations can instill pride and confidence, but make the expectations too high, change the rules too much, or criticize them when they do not meet expectations and you can damage your teen’s developing identity and self-esteem. It can paralyze them from accomplishing anything by making them doubt they are ever good enough.
What is the right balance of high hopes and dismissing a “C” in advanced placement calculus? Well, it really depends on the teen. Your teen is going to let you know through their behavior that they are doing okay with your involvement and critique of their lives. A good test is that they should be happy. I know this may seem odd to parents who comment on their teen’s grunts to everyday questions, but teens should appear happy and satisfied with themselves.
I am concerned when they are disappointed with a G.P.A of 4.3, granted if you really could of done better and you missed the 5.0 for silly reasons a “better luck next time” may be appropriate, but to be dismissive of such hard work is concerning and demonstrates that the grades mean more than their desire to learn and discipline.
Your teens should be smiling and know that they are good enough no matter what. The lesson is in having attempted things outside of their comfort zone while sometimes succeeding and sometimes not and being okay with it either way. Not complacent with failure, but a commitment to try and do better next time if possible. And unlike something as abstract as grades, when the criticism is about their appearance or other unchangeable characteristics, the damage to their self –esteem and identity can sometimes be irreversible.
So, think highly of your teen while stopping short of the expectations being too high that they realize that what you really want is a perfect robotic teen rather than the imperfect teen they are. This makes your teen feel they are not good enough, and teaches to make others feel they are not ever good enough either. This is no way to develop a good sense of yourself, your value or a feeling that you are loved the way you are.
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