Judging Teens doesn’t Work
Parents don’t like being shut out of their teen’s lives. They tell their teens they want to know what’s going on. They tell me they want to know what’s going on. There are terrible stories of parents invading their teen’s private things for no reason other than being nosey. I’m always trying to figure out if they want to know just to know or so they can help.
You have to remember that teens really do listen to you. The teen I saw the other day wanted to tell his mom that he was sexually active, but had heard all the judgments Mom had made about the older sibling’s sexual activity to him. He just kept thinking, “Oh, the disappointment. She is just going to judge me so much even if she doesn’t tell me to my face.”
What a difficult position to be in. It means that in order to relieve the burden of wanting his Mom to know, he would have to know that his Mom was disappointed in him. This dilemma was eating this teen up inside. He didn’t know what to do.
Parents should know that their teens want to discuss things with them and would love to engage in mature conversation that does not involve them feeling bad at the end of it all. Here are some tips on what to do before the situation arises:
1. Empathy. When things occur e.g. teen pregnancy, drug addiction, it is important to have some empathy in your opinion. Absolutes like, “that parent should have” are not going to give your teen the feeling that you will show empathy to them.
2. Talk. Talk to your teen about anything that comes up of course, but especially controversial things that they may going through so that you get their thoughts on the subject e.g. What did you think of the way that teen handled that situation? What would you do differently?
3. Listen. This is probably the most important thing that you can do because if they seem to suddenly get upset over something it may have more to do with their situation than you think. It is important to remember that even when you think you are talking about something else, your teen may be going through a similar situation and hearing your words directed at them.
Remember, a little goes a long way. A little empathy, a little talk and a little listening at the correct time can convince your teen that you are the person to go to and that you will be there no matter what!
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