My Teen is My BFF!
BFF (Best friend forever in case you were wondering). When your teen is your best friend and confidante you inadvertently limit their support network, which should include you. Along with stress there is the added responsibility of your happiness. They start to make decisions about shielding you from upsetting events in their lives so they don’t add to your stress. Your teen takes on adult responsibility. This is called parentifying.
The debate over whether to parent as your teen’s friend or authoritarian is ongoing. It is the difference between asking, “Do I hang out with my teen? or do I spend quality time with them?” Some opinions have suggested that as a friend, parents lose their right as authoritarian; but as an authoritarian, you may think you’ll be shut out of the nuance of their day-to-day lives. What’s the answer?
Here, you have to do what feels comfortable to you because if you don’t, you will most certainly lose your teen through indecisive parenting. Let’s consider some key issues in deciding the desired outcome that might help guide you on the decision that is right for you.
Pride
You want to instill pride in your teen. Your teen will love being asked their opinion on a household or personal matter in your life. It’s important to be sparing about what you ask them about and remember you are doing it to connect with them and generate their problem solving skills, not parentify them.
Connect
A sincere connection with your teen keeps you involved in their lives appropriately. Letting your teen know about something that is troubling you, is a great way to let them see how you struggle with aspects of your day, and connections to others. You don’t need to make it the most intense struggle. Challenging issues without too big an emotional burden are ideal.
Friend
You can still be the authoritarian and a friend. Discussing your joys and fears with your teen are a great way to normalize some of their concerns while connecting with them. This is what friendship is about, connections and sharing your fears, your triumphs, your laughter and ultimately supporting each other.
Your teen should be able to stay a teen and handle their life’s stressors after talking to you. If they are becoming distracted, depressed or demonstrate any other change in their normal functioning, this is a good sign that you are putting too much stress on their shoulders. They should be able to stay a teen. There is no reason to rush them into adulthood with adult problems. There is no need to parentify them. This robs them of their teen years.
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