The Defensive Teen
“Why do you look like you did something wrong? Calm down, it’s nothing bad. I just came in to talk to you about the great job you did with the last project. Relax.”
When teens are defensive, they’re anxious when people in authority speak with them. These teens assume they have done something wrong and rush to make excuses or explain the mishap. If you see this type of jumpy behavior in your teen, it should clue you in to a bigger issue going on.
Teens who are criticized often, made to feel as though they can’t do anything right, feel like they can’t please a caretaker no matter how hard they try, or have perfectionist qualities, tend to be anxious when people in authority speak with them. This teen is deeply concerned about what others think about them and want to be liked so they rush to explain away the reason for the “poor performance” in the hopes that the person will like them.
This unwillingness to make a mistake can spill into other parts of their lives: Not speaking up in class either when they have the right answer or are just unsure about their answer, or shunning the spotlight to the point of sabotaging their own success academically, athletically, or socially. When they do take a risk, they are anxious about even the most benign feedback.
Perfectionism and social phobia can be paralyzing to a teen who is concerned about wanting to be liked and what others think of them. They may be so concerned about the reaction of others that they don’t consider what they like, and have to contribute.
These teens are going to need more time to build the confidence required to speak up. If this is your teen, minimize any criticism, and instead praise more. Consistently let them know the great job they’re doing and eventually they’re going to relax. People can be pleased and more importantly your teen can have the confidence to please themselves.
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