3 Reasons to let your Teen Date under your Supervision
He was grounded the entire summer because he lied about going to the movies and hanging out with just boys. There were girls there too. I agree that lying should not be allowed, but the whole summer? What will happen when he lies about something more serious?
At some point, your teen is going to show interest in dating even with rules like, “you can’t date” the natural process of going from teen to adult is going to affect your teen in some way. Some teens may only fantasize about the kind of person they would want to marry while others need a physical connection to someone they are interested in. Remember this is the way they “practice” seeking who will eventually be their mate.
It is much easier to learn with someone like your parents or other adult to guide you especially your same-sex parent. But when teens are punished for the most innocent of behaviors like hanging out in a co-ed group, they get smart and either go underground or hide their relationships. Now their experiences are guided by other teens, internet or other sources they can get their hands on. This creates opportunities for unhealthy relationships:
1. Abuse. Sexual, physical and verbal abuse is much easier when the partner isolates your teen from family. In fact this is the process by which they begin the abuse. It is easier for their partner to abuse them when your teen can’t come to you with concerns with the relationship because dating is not allowed.
2. Early sexual intercourse. Their first sexual experiences can be premature because they feel more connected to this person “who understands them” versus their parents and so they confuse that connection with love.
3. Depression. Depression is the leading cause of suicide. When teens can’t discuss their relationship with you and they hide the relationship, you lose the opportunity to associate their behavior with their life’s events. Teens can be desperate and act impetuously and this can lead to feelings of isolation that can cause suicidal thoughts.
Parents need to create an opportunity for teens to keep these relationships out in the open. This way you are in a position to hear how their partner speaks to them, see them after a date when they may be bruised or crying, meet this person and their family so you have a sense of what kind of person they are.
Information from your teen’s open relationship also helps you get an idea of what kind of person your teen is attracted to and if there is any need for concern about their choices.
1. Trust. It gives you an opportunity to trust them if their decisions seem very good.
2. Prepare. Anticipate they may become sexually active and get them on birth control.
3. Discuss. You can have a discussion about the risks to their feelings and risks of behaviors when involved in a sexual relationship.
4. Safe. You can help them take care of themselves if they do become sexually active by keeping them healthy and safe by getting screened for sexually transmitted diseases and buying condoms.
This process is part of becoming an adult, it doesn’t stop because you forbid your teen to date. Be part of the process and help them practice.
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2 Responses Leave a comment
This is such great advice! My husband and I just started a leadership training program for youth (middle school and high school) in the Bay Area. We teach kids values-based leadership in an outdoor environment. Anyway, we would like to create a “resources” page to help connect parents of teens with web sites that will help them thru these challenging years. We will definitely add you to the list. Keep up the great work!
Thanks Becky! I think your training program is very important to developig a sense of independence in teens. With confidence you can say, “No” when you mean no.