The first step in talking to your teens about sex is saying the word, “sex.” Your job is not to imagine your teen having sex, but to prepare your teen to be responsible about it. The prejudices about your thoughts on sex can have a negative affect on your teen’s sexual development if you use your prejudices to influence how you guide and educate them.
Does this mean teens should be sexually active? Only your teen can answer that question. Every teen is different. Some have grown up so fast because they are the only one who speaks English, or they are being asked to drive because they were the only sober relative at the party. Should they be parents even though their children are their parents? You would think that too would be an easy, “No.”
As you prepare your teen to budget their finances, select loyal friends, advocate for themselves at the doctor visit or the customer service counter, don’t be afraid to add to the list, teaching them about their sexuality. Avoiding it does not make the curiosity go away. It only make is fester and they get their questions answered if you are lucky by a doctor, health educator or teacher, but more often than not it is a friend, the internet or a lover. Their friends know as much as they do, the internet can be hit or miss and their lover has something to gain with certain answers, “I can’t get you pregnant. I’m sterile. I know because I couldn’t get my last girlfriend pregnant. That’s why we don’t need condoms.”
You don’t even have to talk about anything or say words like penis or vagina (although you should be practicing). Take a deep breath and ask what they know. Just listen to what they know and how they talk about it. Let them “teach” you. This is enough information then ask questions with a nonjudgmental tone. Ask them, “If I were a teen, How would I get birth control or condoms?” Do they let the other person “take care of it”? translated, “Do they take responsibility?”, or do they leave it to someone else?
Preface corrections with “I’m sure you know this …” or use the unknown teen “I read that some teens are using their cell phone to take inappropriate pictures of themselves and…have you heard anything like that?”
Your tone will guide them. Remain nonjudgmental and open-minded. Research the point that you want to make even if that means calling your teen doc or ob-gyn so you sound like you know what you’re talking about. There are several resources online like sex, etc. and Planned Parenthood that can also help fill in blanks.
Your teen needs you for this too. It may seem to you like you are encouraging sexual activity with your support, but you don’t have that same feeling when you teach them how to manage money that they will go spend it or if I teach them how to cook they’ll get fat. Please be there for them. You are their first choice.
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