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Changing the World One Teen at a Time

What does it mean when your teen tells you they’re gay? If you’re like any other parent, you’re going to have questions like, “Well, how do you know you’re gay?” “How will you have a family?” and “What about your safety?” or you may just deny it and be very angry.

If your teen has told you they’re gay, one thing you should know is it takes the courage of a lion tamer to get that far. They have an idea of your views on homosexuality and depending on what they’ve heard you and family members say when they were younger, the desire to keep their sexuality to themselves is strong. At the same time, their desire to share who they really are and be honest with you is a driving force that compels them to endure this potentially painful process.

What is Gay?

Gay is having an emotional and physical attraction to someone of the same-sex. Although Gay once meant same-sex attraction between men it has been used by the mainstream to define any homosexual relationship. Lesbian defines a same-sex relationship between women.  As an all inclusive term people say LGBTQ or Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Questioning.

The stages of homosexual identity development

There are four stages of gay or homosexual identity development according to research done by Troiden in the mid-eighties. They are:

1. Sensitization – This happens at a very young age, early childhood (ages 6-8 years). Here, your child knows they are different. They aren’t always clear as to what that difference is, but they know that something about them sets them apart from their peers and this may make them feel like they don’t fit in.

2. Identity Confusion– This age is pre-teen or teen (ages 9-14 years). There may be same-sex feelings, but this is common in this age group, so it’s not always clear they are gay when this stage is taken out of context of the other stages. These feelings of excitement towards same-sex peers may cause avoidance and denial for your pre-teen or teen.

You can sometimes see very high-risk behavior by a teen that is in such denial that they act out by being heterosexually promiscuous or subverting these feelings with drugs and alcohol and in the worst case scenarios harm themselves with eating disorders, depression and associated cutting or suicide.

3. Identity Assumption – This age is the middle teen years (15-17 years) and can involve taking on a gay identity and experimenting with gay culture and their sexuality.

4. Commitment – This age is the late teen years (over 18 years).  There is a gay identity, or coming out to at least some in their social circle and this acceptance leads to an emotional and physical gay relationship.

The stages of development are not always linear meaning they do not always follow this order and do not always occur at these ages, but around these ages. Also, depending on the people in their social group your teen may chose to come out to certain friends that are safe while remaining in the closet (keep their gay identity secret) with extended family, school or work. They may repeat stages if, they start all over in a community that doesn’t know they’re gay.

These developmental stages are occurring to some degree earlier for today’s teens that are much more sophisticated and open-minded than the teens developing in Troiden’s time or earlier. When these teen’s development isn’t allowed to occur because a teen must hide who they are to their parents or their community these stages are either placed on hold and revealed when the time is safe e.g. moving out of the home or running away, they can occur at a later stage in life, or they can be expressed covertly through internet and potentially dangerous outlets like prostitution.

Homophobia

Even if these teens are brave enough to come out to family or friends, they are part of a group that is vulnerable to physical and verbal harassment at school, their community and home. They face the risk of being ostracized from their religion and other social groups of potential support like sports teams and volunteer activities. 

With all these possible risks associated with coming out, the majority of teens who come out do well. They’re happy, earn good grades, they’re on the yearbook committee, go to college, get jobs and have families. They’re happy. For those who don’t, we have the power to change that by creating a more open society in which they can exist.

Resources:

Hotlines:

• Trevor Helpline : 800.850.8078 (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual & Transgender youth in crisis)
• Gay Teen Crisis Line: 800.347.TEEN (8336) 
• California Youth Crisis Line: 800.843.5200 (24-hour crisis counseling, information and referrals for youth and families)

 Books:

•  “Free Your Mind,” by Ellen Bass – Discusses coming out and support
• “My Child is Gay,” by Bryce McDougall – Discusses coming out and support for families
•  “Original Coming Out Stories,” by Julia Penelope – Discusses coming out and support, queer women, queer history, and general diversity issues.
• “What if Someone I know is Gay?” By Eric Marcus – Discusses coming out and support

Online help:

• PFLAG - parent and extended family support
•  Gay-Straight Alliance Network -  Coming out and support, academics and career, activism and politics.

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