Your teen doesn’t want to be told by you they made a bad choice. However, if you can gently demonstrate that you’re looking out for your teen by using language that shows you care, they may listen even though they don’t want to hear what you have to say. This starts by listening. Listen to how they describe the relationship. Let them know you’re listening and if you can remember a specific that’s great. More importantly let them hear what they have said by repeating their feelings back to them when things don’t go well. Remind them that you feel awful for them when they feel this way. Let them know you understand how much they like this person’s company sometimes, but more times than not they seem hurt rather than jubilant after interactions with this person.

Get them to see the relationship in the mirror you are holding up. If you criticize their friend, you criticize their choice and this makes you the enemy not the ally. You can’t effect change from that position.

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1. The First Teen Friend
2. I have this friend…
3. Is Your Teen’s Boyfriend Your Friend?

On some level your teen knows this already. The most significant time to figure this out is probably freshman year in high school. They are trying to figure out their group or clique and they will give up something about themselves to do this. Some will give up working hard in school in order to keep up with all the socialization venues, or they begin to date and realize how time intense it is. Something will suffer and it is frequently their grades, which drop like a brick.

Ask your teen, “Who are you with? Who are those people? How do they inspire you? Do they bring out the best or worst in you? How do you feel when you’re around them? Are you proud or concerned that you’re not able to be yourself and relax? Are you happy when you’re with them? If you were in trouble, could you depend on them?”

You want to see your teen happy. It’s painful to see them struggle with their relationships, but when your teen seems to be acquiring traits that are so unlike who you know them to be, take a moment to gently ask some of the questions I listed above. You can express concern without judgment. Your teen feels loved when you are concerned. They feel belittled and unsure when you are judgmental.

Ask the questions above and then tell them, “When you’re with people, pay attnetion to how you are feeling and ask yourself those questions.” Your teen can develop the problem solving skills to question their own relationships. This way they get a better understanding of who they are, their sense of self and whether they want to be associated with their current friends.  Your teen should be choosey. They’re worth it. They’re future depends on it.

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