Instead of guilt associated with decisions like getting a divorce, try compassion so you can listen to your teen’s feelings about it. Your teen doesn’t need your guilt.

Your teen doesn’t need your guilt, but they do need your compassion. Being compassionate means not buying their feelings away with ice cream and gadgets, but you let them talk about whatever they want to while listening without judgment or putting your feelings before theirs. This is important, and this is very hard. There’s a reason you decided to divorce and your teen may not know all the details of that, but they can be allowed to vent their feelings about how their life has changed. So yes, stick to the rules, but be willing to look for opportunities to give them a break when it has been a heard day emotionally for them. I think you understand this. After all, you have emotionally rough days too. Your willingness to do this will tell them you understand the magnitude of your decision on their life; and instead of anger you could become more close.  This is the gold you are looking for because divorce is about trying to be a happy family and strangely enough sometimes divorce is what brings that happiness.

Being a parent means sometimes you have to make really hard decisions and it also means that the impact of those decisions isn’t just about you.

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If you end up making this decision the guilt can be tremendous especially if you know why you separated from your spouse to begin with and you know they aren’t going to be any more patient than you have been. This will make things worse, but one thing the other parent does have that you don’t is a break. They have had a break. So they can take the anger initially. That is, after the honeymoon period of no anger.

If you’re a divorced parent this is a great time to join forces. You will get a lot done. Your teen thinks that by going to the other parent things will be better because the rules are different. Hopefully, if you have rules that any parent would have there will be no problem instituting and enforcing them at the other parents home. This will communicate to your teen they cannot put one parent against the other or make one parent the “good” parent while the other is “bad.”

If the rules are consistent, instead of guilt, your teen needs yours resolve. They need you to have the rest so you can be in a better position to enforce the rules. You have placed these rules and boundaries there for a reason, to keep them safe from their poor behavior and to guide them. When they wear you down you think it’s easier to give in. When you give in, your teen understands they will get what they want they simply need to be more of a problem: doors slamming, yelling and possibly mean texts.

This is not OK. You know it’s not the way you treat people and you should not allow your teen to treat you this way on a regular basis. If you are too tired, you will have trouble enforcing this type of behavior. If you need the break, take it. Guilt free so you’ll be ready for the next round.

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Unlike the dynamics with your ex-spouse that changed to your teen’s advantage, when you re-marry the dynamics can change to your teen’s disadvantage.  This is because of the high school like puppy love that can be associated with this new relationship. Your teen doesn’t really get to see this side of you and that alone may be alarming, but for any relationship to truly thrive, you must take the time to invest. It is easy to make this time when you are at this early stage of a relationship. Your teen will notice how that time means less time for them.

From your teen’s perspective, it looks like you chose someone off the street over them. Remember, you love your new spouse your teen is simply managing their life with the changes you’ve made to it. For those teens truly sensitive to the reduced time they now spend with you, there may be a feeling of rejection and hurt. This hurt can become anger and this anger may become apparent to you through a change in their behavior, grades, substance and drug use, running away or attitude.  Although the first reaction by parents is to ask, “What’s going on,” there quickly becomes a silent agreement that the problem is the teen.

New relationships are fun, but they can be hard too. They are especially hard when they involve children. Teens have their own set of emotions surrounding the time before a divorce, during a divorce and the disappointment of seeing their parents with other people after the divorce. You cannot underestimate the impact of this on your teen or how this will change your teen. They need an anchor. If you think you can’t be there as much set up support systems before you begin the process so they have a liaison to help them communicate their needs to you.

For you this is the potential love of your life, but for your teen it is the person that took their parent away from their hopes of their family getting back together. It takes a lot of getting used to and your teen should be given the time to make that transition at their pace and with your love and support.

When you make the decision to have children and divorce you have to know you don’t get to be selfish and have a romance like you’re in high school. Yes, you deserve to be happy, but you can’t do this at the expense of your teen. They still deserve your time and attention without hearing your new spouse complain. It can feel like you’re choosing one over the other, but in the end your teen should win. Maybe not all of the time, but enough that they know they still have your love and attention. Remember you can always find another husband, but you only get one shot with your teen.

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As a single parent you have a great sense of responsibility to your teen. There is often a sense of guilt for having deprived their teen of the other parent even if it was for a good reason.  For this reason, single-parents are frequently hesitant to date.

Once you decide to date, you may notice a mood change in your teen.  You now have an irritable teen and possibly a depressed teen.  Realize the time you spent together is ultimately not just special to you, but to your teen as well. Your teen has in some ways assumed responsibility for you too.  You have become the other’s best friend.

For this reason, it makes sense that your teen might feel a little left out or jealous when you finally decide to date. They are happy for you and know that they want you to have a life, but now when they want to discuss something with you, you might be busy.  It’s hard not to appear as though you have chosen your boyfriend over your teen and as a result you may feel as though you are being pulled in two different directions, but if your teen can rely on you they are less likely to feel replaced.

Take moments to check in with your teen on a regular basis.  This is regularly scheduled time they can count on. You have been their long-time companion and sure they have friends, but you are your teen’s first choice.  Check in and reassure your teen that you’re still there for them. This is the best way to transition your teen to your new dating life.

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