TheTeenDoc.com » identity development

I can’t get a “B”

Kemi — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 11:00:53 +0000

“Well, I changed my class because that class was hard and I was going to get a ‘B.’ I can’t get a ‘B.’ Me? A ‘B’? I don’t think so. I have never gotten a ‘B’ in my life and I wasn’t about to start with some advanced placement physics class. “ Do you know this teen? Do you live with this teen? Life is going to be very hard when they finally earn that “B.” It’s a shame they missed the opportunity to learn the lesson in high school by switching classes.

If school comes easy enough to your teen then this topic never comes up or may come up later in university. However, for many teens whose grades are important to the next stage in life. This topic comes up a lot. These teens understand the importance of grades in terms of their future, but they forget to put it in context. Instead, the positive feedback they receive for their grades and the grades themselves become their identity. The grades become who they are. They are the A. So self-identifying as an “A” student will cause a major crash when they have to identify with another letter grade like “B” and heaven forbid, “F.”

Instead of realizing they are more than their grades, the feedback they receive has communicated that you are only good if you get the “A.” So they understandably become fearful at the thought of having to identify with anything other than that, thinking they might not be as loved, as liked, or as respected. It is this fear that makes them say, “I can only get As.” In other words, I don’t want the negative feedback from people. What will my parents think? What will my friends or teachers think?

So when you encourage your teen, you may want to encourage the behavior rather than the result. “I like that you’re persistent, tenacious or a hard worker. These skills are beneficial for a lifetime and allow them to look at a “B” and say, “I worked hard and did my best” rather than, “I’m not going to get positive feedback for a ‘B’.”

Graduating to Your Teen’s Uniqueness

Kemi — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 11:00:10 +0000

Your teen’s graduation day. A day of absolute pride for both you and your teen. Sometimes there’s a big whew! that they are graduating and other times there is such a sense of accomplishment to having squeezed every opportunity out of their high school experience. There are accolades for grades, service, popularity what there is no appreciation for and yet what may be the most important thing your teen learns while they’re in high school is who they really are. That prize is priceless.

As Josh Shipp’s rap states to the right, don’t let anyone tell you who you really are. He goes on to say the thing that really matters is to be honest. What he does not add although it is probably implied is that your teen needs to get to a point where they are honest with themselves. Honest about their talents and their weaknesses, honest their dreams and their failures and even honesty about who they are morally, politically or even as a partner and be true or honest to whom that person is. When they are comfortable with this person, they realize that not everyone will like who they are, but what is more important is that they like who they have become in essence who they are now.

This is a great foundation upon which to build the begining of their adult life filled with important decisions about career, spouses and social environment. Without being honest with whom they are, they are at higher risk of making poor decisions and being someone they aren’t for a large portion of their life happy with until they get the courage to be their true self. However, if you see it. If you get the glimpse of your teen’s confidence, their strength in the type of person they have become, their ability to know, “Hey I’m a type A kinda chick and I need a type A kinda guy!” confidence then you know that your teen has done the true work of their teen years. They have developed a true sense of identity and awareness for who they really are.

Your Teen’s Self-love

Kemi — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 11:30:20 +0000

I want me to be friends with me. Self-love. You can’t love anyone else without it at least not well. You can’t be the best you can be without it. It isn’t directly taught and yet it is a part of everything you will teach your teen before they are an adult.

I want to be liked. I want to be popular. I want to be successful. I want to make a lot of money. These are all code for; I want to feel good about who I am. I want to like myself. Often times teens will wait for the admiration of others before they like themselves too. Of course, this isn’t just teens or Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain, Michael Jackson, etc wouldn’t have been so unhappy despite their extreme wealth and talents. No, teens really need to learn that others like you when you like you.

So instead the wish list should read, “I want to like me.” I want to like me a lot. I want to like me successfully, and if I get the love in return from others that I give to me, all the better, but this begins with your teen liking what they see when they look in the mirror -first.

Childhood Nicknames Can Stick

Kemi — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 11:30:10 +0000

“Daddy’s princess,” “Little Man,” “Gordo,” “Skinny Minnie,” these nicknames are in their own way endearing, but at some point when your toddler matures, develops their self-consciousness, and begins to take on the prejudices of society; gordo is going to mean fat.

Once gordo is no longer endearing, your teen will start to think about what their nickname means in terms of who they are. In this self-discovery, they may take on the identity of a fat person. This is when the nickname starts to stick. The baggage of that nickname can change the potential of your teen because they take on the nickname’s stereotype.

As teens start to develop their own identity rather than that thrust upon them, they internalize how other’s view them especially those in their immediate circle: immediate family, extended family, teachers, peers, etc. Unless your teen has another voice to counter the negative perspectives, they take on the identity of the negative nickname. Once they do that, they will take over as the negative voice, continue the negative thoughts that support poor self esteem and poor self-confidence.

People with poor self-esteem and poor self-confidence have a difficult time advocating for themselves. They are agreeable because they don’t want to stand out too much. They are concerned about criticism the attention might bring if they were to say something. Anything. These teens might settle because they don’t know they deserve anything better. They want people to like them so they choose their words wisely so as not to upset people. This is especially true if this is the way they were treated at home.

Nicknames are endearing terms that at some point may need to be tucked away with childhood. It gives the teen an opportunity to develop their own identity rather than conform to the identity thrust upon them.