The first thing to realize is that your teen is still listening even if they’re not talking back to you. What’s important here is that your words are efficient and potent. They need to pack a punch. So it’s important that you think about the message you want to convey to your teen. They are expecting you to either yell or give a lecture based on how you have parented in the past. So these options should be scratched of your list of “Ways to handle this.” Your goal should be to inspire and raise the bar rather than indict them and inadvertently lower your expectation of them.

It is most important that your teen get a consistent message about your position of concern and love. You are concerned because you know this is unlike the “Anderson” that you know so well and have seen growing up over the years. So you’re sure something must be seriously wrong to make them feel pressure like this or somehow you the parent must have relayed some pressure that made them feel desperate enough to not disappoint you that they felt they had to lie.

A teen who hears that it is ok to be imperfect and has unconditional love will eventually talk about what is bothering them. They will eventually want and ask for your help. This is only once they are sure they will still be loved and accepted as someone who has your love and respect. This is the most important message to convey when something does not seem right especially when it seems like your teen is not listening.

Related posts:

1. 3 Tips To Help Your Teen Talk To You
2. I Need To Talk To You
3. Done The Sex Talk Yet?

Your teen, at twelve or thirteen, will have this sudden irritation that comes over them when you’re around. They can’t explain it and they don’t know what it is exactly, but just you asking about their day, will irritate them.  Their brains will not think clearly anymore as they transition to full teen and they will view you as someone to do their bidding and take their crap. Why not? You love them unconditionally, remember?

This is when parenting steps in. Your teen is asking to be parented. They too feel as though they are being taken over, and if a sibling is involved it can become very difficult watching a younger sibling get their feelings hurt as they try and copy their big sibling. You don’t always have to be the one to do it and in many cases, you probably shouldn’t be the one to do it, but get someone to remind them.

Remind them that this type of behavior as they enter teen and then adulthood does not get them friends how much more family that wants to be with them.  Gently remind them that this type of behavior will force family to hide when they’re around for fear of the abuse. Remind them that they too are hurt when people they look up to brush them off. This is why they should be kinder to their younger sibling. Remind them, gently, that it is their family that loves them and wants to be there for them. Their friends may or may not be there. Their family WILL be there. Tell them that they’re still expected to be kind as they transition to adulthood and this will bring great things as they enter high school when all the opportunities for parties, trips and transportation become important.

Finally, let them know they’ll never remember why their parent stopped talking or approaching them to ask them about their day. That it was the behavior that caught them off guard. They wondered where their sweet child went. They’ll just be angry to look up and not see them there. Since they’ll never remember, prevent the whole misunderstanding by reminding them to be kind and patient because growing up is hard on everyone, but it’s easier when you know you have your family in your corner.

Related posts:

1. Try Talking Behind Their Back
2. 3 Ways to Keep your Teen Talking to You
3. Stop Telling Me What To Do!

The Teen Door Hanger helps tween and teen communication.

The crazy thing is that they really don’t know what came over them, but science does.  The brain development is amazing and takes your teen by storm. The y are getting used to the way things work and trying to learn how to control these new powers they have.  One way to help them is to make the lines of communication not just open, but clear. Crystal.
 

The Teen Door Hanger is a clear way your teen can communicate their mood or state of mind. The Teen Door Hanger allows your teen to clearly indicate that they are in a good mood and don’t mind you entering the room.  There is another place for your teen to indicate they are in a bad mood in which case, you might want to ask them about the chore later.

This type of communication decreases the risk of miscommunications where parents personalize their teen’s behavior when your teen really just had a rough day.  Teens take a lot of time processing their day and thinking about their interactions with friends.  If they think they did a particularly bad job of it they may be hard on themselves. If you enter the room at this point, they may snap or yell at you. Placing The Teen Door Hanger with the indication that one should be cautious entering allows your teen to process and then interact with you when they are ready.

If you would like to try The Teen Door Hanger, you can print one out by clicking on the link TheTeenDoc Teen Door Hanger, or you can post a comment and I will send you a laminated one for free while supplies last.

Related posts:

1. The Open Door Policy
2. Six Tween/Teen Do’s and Dont’s
3. Raise Your Voice