TheTeenDoc.com » Self-esteem

Do You Love Me?

teendoc — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 11:00:26 +0000

Some teens feel the proof that you really like someone is in how much they will show or express that love. So the unanswerable question goes do you love me and if so how much?

Now, there is no doubt that teen boys certainly aren’t the kind to spontaneously break out into song about their love for someone and that this can leave their head-over-heels mates swooning for just the littlest sign of affection. I know you told me last week, but I’m asking again do you love me and if so how much? There’s certainly a balance that should be created between how much your teen needs to hear these words and how much they realistically will hear it from the person with whom they are romantically involved. In the end, the bigger question is how much does your teen love themselves? This is because if someone is in love with you they have no problem telling and showing you, but since real life has stressors and well, life no one will think that way all of the time and they end up not saying it as much as your teen might like. If your teen doesn’t love themselves they’re going to need a lot more reassurance and in the end no one can or will love you that much.

So some teens can stand to show a bit more emotion and some teens can learn to whisper to themselves I know I love myself and that’s what matters more.

Helping You Helps Me

teendoc — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 11:00:49 +0000

In some ways you’re almost always in a position to help your teen, but is there anything your teen can help you with? I mean, is there anything they can really be a help with like something you don’t know how to do.

This is different from the help they give with chores. They don’t see that as helping. This is more than doing their school work. They don’t see how being employable and making a living to pay their own rent helps you either. Now, if you need computer relief and they happen fix the problem lickety split or you have a dilemma about work and they see the straight path where you only see winding roads you offer your teen an opportunity to help you. That partnership allows them to feel like they are of some real help and this gives them a sense of self-worth. You allowing them to help with something they’re good at allows them to feel like they matter. This isn’t just good for their self-esteem, this is good for your relationship.

One way relationships are peppered with feelings of inadequacy, authority and distrust is when they seem one way. One way as in there is a person with power and a person with no power. When you tell your teen that you need them too, they understand that they’re of value in your relationship and it allows them to share with you the part of them that isn’t lazy, forgetful or incompetent in your eyes. You see them in a better light and this does wonders for your relationship. Helping you helps them feel better about themselves and you!

Be Specific About Your Praise

teendoc — Fri, 29 Apr 2011 11:00:45 +0000

You hear a lot about praise being the key to boosting your teen’s self-esteem. Sometimes parents wonder if they even have anything to praise their teen for. The important thing to remember about praise is that it be sincere and specific. Praise a specific behaviour you want repeated.

General praise like, “You’re great!” “You’re an awesome student” can come off as fake and as a result not make the impact that you intended. When praise is insincere, your teen senses you’re trying to schmooze them and they don’t buy it. Your praise ends up making you look disingenuous. It makes you lose credibility with your teen. It actually has the opposite effect because now your teen thinks they must be pretty bad for you to have to make something up to say something nice about them. It also discredits everything else that comes out of your mouth that may resemble praise.

Be sincere and specific when you give praise. Let them know you mean what you say. All else fails, remember the old rule about if you have nothing nice to say, then say nothing at all.

Teens, Friendships And Self-esteem by guest blogger Naomi Richards

teendoc — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 11:00:14 +0000

It’s important that teens have healthy self-esteem so they can handle the tough times as well as the good and that goes for friendships too.

Teen friendships are rarely easy – so not letting what others say to them or about them affect the way they think about themselves is important. Without good self-esteem your teen might see friends whispering and assume they’re talking about them, read body language as being negative and take jokes personally when it has nothing to do with them really.

Encourage your teen to have healthy self-esteem this forms the foundation of their self-esteem and makes for good friendships.

You can read more from Naomi Richards at her site The Kid’s Coach as well as see the post I did for her. She is a life coach for children from the age of 6 years old, providing coaching for them on behaviorial and emotional issues. Naomi works face to face with children and via Skype. She runs workshops for children and is a regular on local and regional radio. She is an agony aunt, a media spokesperson and she writes for parenting and teenage magazines and websites. For more information see www.thekidscoach.org.uk or follow her www.twitter.com/thekidscoach.

Abuse Robs Your Teen of Self-Esteem

teendoc — Tue, 01 Feb 2011 11:00:42 +0000

February is Dating Violence Month and unfortunately too many teens have been in relationships or know other teens that have been in relationships where they have been hit, spit on, kicked, bit or spoken to in a way that is not appropriate. The ripple effect of this is big and more importantly the cause of these relationships that negatively impact their future may be in their past.

Teens who have been abused earlier in their life unfortunately struggle with their self-esteem. They struggle with their sense of worth and can place themselves in situations that are so unsafe that without wanting to they repeat the cycle of violence they had no control over when they were younger. Being sexually assaulted as a child has the potential ripple effect of being in abusive relationships as a teen and adult. Children not being able to understand that whether you are being touched in a way that may feel good even though it is bad may interpret this touching as being initiated by them in some way. Another way to say this is that they feel they must have asked for it since it felt OK or even good to them. These eventual teens can become promiscuous, have body image issues or make bad choices in partners because of the misunderstanding of the way this touching feels and how it really stems from having trusted someone that was not worthy of that trust. This is the hardest thing to reason in their minds. The good feeling associated with the disgust of being unwillingly touched by someone that should be protecting them not hurting them. It can negatively impact their body image, their self-esteem in intimate relationships and their ability to be vulnerable around others.

In fact it can so clearly cause these thoughts of themselves that a teen exhibiting this type of behavior should be asked about a previous history of abuse. The tragedy of them telling though is that they might not have been protected or believed as a child by adults they were supposed to be able to trust and this makes them have little trust in anyone else’s ability to protect or help them. Worse, sometimes they are told they asked for it because they were beautiful children or very friendly or outgoing.

Teen dating violence unfortunately may be something whose seed was planted long ago and manifests in poor dating choices today and this can set a teen up to make choices in the future that cause a lifetime of pain and suffering that can result in the loss of their life or the lives of their future children.

Resources:

Loveisrespect.org

National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline:1-866-331-9474 (1-866-331-8453 TTY)

Alone vs. Lonely

teendoc — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 11:30:08 +0000

As a teen, there’s a lot of emphasis on connecting to other teens, hangin’ out with friends, connecting with friends in social networking, talkin’ on the phone, etc. However, there is something about being able to enjoy one’s own company. It is its own paradise and the enjoyment can empower your teen to understand the difference between being lonely and being alone.

It may seem like your teen can do this because they go to their room and it would appear as if they are in the room alone, but the computer and a cell phone can make it as crowded as a Prince concert in there. Being by yourself is very scary to some people, that is when it is lonely. They are looking for the next party, the next person to talk to, the next chat to engage in. They simply need to be able to answer the question about what they did to be an answer that includes other people. This means, NOT alone since that is lonely.

What could possibly be so scary in that head of theirs that makes them have to fill it with any garbage rather than sit with it, those thoughts. Those doubts. Those hopes. It is by sitting with these thoughts that they can question and hopefully discover what they want to do with their lives, what they really like about the guy in 5^th period, whether the soliloquy by Hamlet really moved them as much as their 3^rd period English teacher. It is with that solitude, that alone, that your teen can discover their desires, their passion, their likes and dislikes. This is where they develop the confidence to say, “No.” They develop the confidence to be true to the selves they now know. The alone time is precious as any parent knows. Once you are a parent, these times are rare, and yet these are the times that allow you to recharge, rejuvenate and renew.

Let your teen understand the difference between the option to sit alone rather than the powerlessness of lonely that others control. When you can sit by yourself and enjoy your own company, you don’t have to rely on the invitation of others to enjoy your evening, or your life. Your teen will be with themselves a long time, how on earth are others expected to enjoy their company if they cannot enjoy their own company?

I Told You So

teendoc — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 11:30:57 +0000

After making a mistake, the last thing someone wants to hear is “I told you so.” Yet, teens hear this all the time when they have failed to follow the instructions laid before them. “Whatever” their eyes seem to say as they roll to the back of their head. WHAT-ever.

Here, “I told you so” sets up an expectation for both you and your teen. You feel as though they never listen to you or heed the wise and all important advice that you have dispensed and they feel as though, “What else is new? It’s not like you think I can do anything right. This is simply one more thing that I haven’t done correctly.” The end result is that both parties are frustrated and neither feels understood or heard.

Not a lot of hope to make a change for the better here.

No, to actually move past the mistakes and the “whatever’s, you have to have faith that one of you actually can do something right, and one of you actually knows a little something about which they speak. Parents, call someone to back you up, you can use your doctor to check your facts and reinforce your words if they are correct. You can have your teen hear it from a “credible source.” This is a great way to get validation. Also, trust that your teen has heard you and realizes you do know a thing or two, but that their brains simply do not multitask the way yours does. They hear you and then something happens, and something else happens and this assignment is due and then oops! They forgot. Not intentionally, not to get your goat, but because they are teens.

Patience and not “I told you so’s” is going to get you somewhere. Patience and a creative way to get them to remember or to complete a task will get you even more. You too have been in a position of learning from your mistakes; you can’t forget that because you are now in a position to want the job done.

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Can You Look At Me?

teendoc — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 11:30:21 +0000

“Do your eyes light up when your teen walks into a room?” The author Toni Morrison said this while discussing her relationship with her children in the early days of her pursuit of writing. It occurred to her that she would keep writing when they were around. It became apparent to her that her grunts and groans with their shadow in the door were no substitute to her face which her children hoped would light up as they walked into a room.

Your teen wants to see yourface light up when they walk into a room as well. Instead, they are frequently met with the back of your reading material, your forehead reflecting the glare of your smart phone, your back or a raised brow. These moments that could have reinforced your commitment and love for your teen unfortunately conveyed an unwillingness to do something simple like pause TiVo long enough to acknowledge their presence. Your teen saw your indifference instead of your love.

Your teen wants to know they are special in your eyes. They want their presence to bring you joy. It is this validation that causes some of the best moments you will see in your teen while the invalidation can make them feel insecure, less confident and doubtful about their abilities. All from looking up from my paper? Are you serious? Are you kidding me?

Seems extreme, but it’s what your actions demonstrate when you look up from your paper. When you acknowledge your teen, you tell them, “you are worth my time, and you are more important to me than an article in the paper.” It is this sense of being special that makes teens feel loved and heard. It gives them the confidence to venture out into the world with their head held high thinking, “I am someone. I am loved.” With this, they can do almost anything.

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Your Teen’s Self-love

teendoc — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 11:30:20 +0000

I want me to be friends with me. Self-love. You can’t love anyone else without it at least not well. You can’t be the best you can be without it. It isn’t directly taught and yet it is a part of everything you will teach your teen before they are an adult.

I want to be liked. I want to be popular. I want to be successful. I want to make a lot of money. These are all code for; I want to feel good about who I am. I want to like myself. Often times teens will wait for the admiration of others before they like themselves too. Of course, this isn’t just teens or Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain, Michael Jackson, etc wouldn’t have been so unhappy despite their extreme wealth and talents. No, teens really need to learn that others like you when you like you.

So instead the wish list should read, “I want to like me.” I want to like me a lot. I want to like me successfully, and if I get the love in return from others that I give to me, all the better, but this begins with your teen liking what they see when they look in the mirror -first.

The Dream Of Self-esteem

teendoc — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 11:30:31 +0000

“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy. “

Martin Luther King Jr.

Where does your teen stand in times of challenge and controversy? Do you think you have the kind of teen that would join in the chaos or stand their ground and steer people in a more positive direction?

We are proud of our leaders when they do great things. Yet, we are not always aware of the strength required to make those decisions especially when our leaders are not so great and disappoint us. The courage that it takes to stand out and have an unpopular opinion takes, well, a lot of balls.

You can help your teen be this type of person not through exposing them to different types of people although that is always a good idea, but through nurturing their sense of self. When they believe in themselves and are aware of their value, they develop self-esteem. Self-esteem is the foundation upon which your teen’s identity is based. With self-esteem your teen will have the confidence to stand up not only for themselves, but for others. With self-esteem, things that are different don’t scare them, but offer an opportunity to show compassion and learn something new. With self-esteem, they have an awareness about themselves that allows them to relax even when someone tries to intimidate them into surrendering their position. With their own good self-esteem, they can see the fear masquerading as passion in others.

Great leaders and more importantly great people, have the courage to stand, even at times of challenge and controversy, up for themselves and others. When we create a generation of teens who can do this we create magical moments of collective unity and understanding. We allow freedom to ring from every hill and every mountainside. We offer ourselves an opportunity to join hands and sing as in the old Negro spiritual, free at last, free at last, thank God almighty we are free at last.