TheTeenDoc.com » teen dating violence

Rape = Abuse

teendoc — Mon, 07 Feb 2011 11:00:12 +0000

Is rape considered abuse? This was her answer to whether or not there was any history of physical, verbal or sexual abuse. She didn’t realize that rape is a type of abuse because someone forces themselves on you sexually and in doing so abuses your teen’s boundaries for safety.

Your teen should understand that when anyone does something to them against their will they abuse the boundaries your teen has set for their protection, their safety. Teens that are unaware of this often get a mixed message from those who are supposed to be protecting them that they somehow asked for this type of “attention.” This is a terrible thing for your teen to have to resolve in their head. This type of clear conflict that they in some way, actually any way deserved what happened to them or asked for what happened to them gets folded into the fabric of who they think they are and it creates a teen that acts that behavior out in very bad ways.

Teens who do not deal with the abuse by talking about it can be at high risk for early pregnancy, increased sexual partners, poor self-esteem, depression, eating problems, drug use, and school failure. These are behaviors that are commonly associated with poorly behaved teens and it is a wonder no one ever asks if they have suffered at the hand of someone they were supposed to have felt safe with.

Teen girls ages 16-24 are most at risk, more than three times more likely, to be vulnerable to abuse than any other gender or age group. The younger they are the more likely the person who abuses them is someone they know. Shouldn’t people who care about them wonder first about a history of abuse before they get frustrated about their behavior?

February is Teen Dating Violence Month. Get in the know…

Is Your Teen’s Boyfriend Your Friend?

teendoc — Fri, 24 Sep 2010 11:00:09 +0000

You may not like that your teen has started dating, but one thing you should always strive to do is keep yourself in your teen’s and their significant other’s good graces. This will give you an opportunity to do a few things.

1. Another Voice of Reason
When your teen engages in high risk behavior, your teen’s significant other may be one of the other people you can get to echo your thoughts. Not by pulling them aside and conspiring behind your teen’s back, but with your teen’s permission allowing their significant other to know you are concerned about something regarding your teen. Ask your teen if it is okay that their significant other help hold them accountable.

2. Vetting
A great way to vet or check out the value system of the person your teen is dating is to be around them. Talk to them. Ask them questions about their thoughts on certain issues and situations. This will help you know who your teen has chosen and the more comfortable you are with them, the more comfortable you will be with your teen’s decisions regarding that person.

3. Confidante
You want to maintain your status as a confidante. If there is anything going on that your teen has questions about in terms of the normal way a relationship works. You can best help if you are aware. If you choose to voice your opinions about your dislike of them dating or dislike of the significant other, you become someone they must join forces against to be right. You become the enemy even if the enemy is really their partner. Don’t make your teen have to dig in when they really need your wisdom. They will not ask for it without knowing they have your support not your I told you so.

So before you get grumpy and unsettled about your teen having a significant other, take a moment to consider these upsides and discover a new way to support and learn about your teen. It serves no purpose to deny them the amazing feeling of being loved by someone besides their family other than stunting their development and making them lie to you.

Conversation With Girls: Dating Violence

teendoc — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 11:30:53 +0000

If someone walked up to your teen and asked them if they would like to be in a relationship where they were constantly hit and or made to feel stupid and worthless. I am sure your teen, any teen would say, “No.” If only it were so easy.

When abusers start relationships, they don’t have signs that identify themselves as someone with an anger problem. They don’t have a sign that says, “I hit when I am angry or frustrated.” What they do is charm the sox off their potential mate.

It is important to realize that your teen will not intentionally fall in love with someone who hurts them. It is important to recognize this so they can be better prepared. They can better prevent the cycle because once they are in the relationship it is phenomenally difficult to get out.

The Seduction

Abusers are charmers. They are the type of guy who can physically rescue a damsel in distress. They like this. It is great for their ego and it creates fodder for romance. When you have wanted a boyfriend who can commit and then all of a sudden one does, there is no red flag. There is only relief. The “cute” jealousy of asking who “Craig” is on the cell phone, asking who your teen was hanging out with or comments about seeing some guy looking at your teen sexually, these seem more romantic.

The manipulation

By the time a month or two has passed, your teen has a guy who is willing to say they love them. They want to be with your teen and they would die without your teen’s love. This is not a red flag. This is passionate. After all, your teen may be struggling for independence at home and here is someone looking at them as if they were an adult; not a kid. How liberating? How exciting! The intoxication of being wanted that much will make your teen automatically withdraw from family, friends and activities. If there is something very important maybe your teen will break away, but the time exclusively spent with this boyfriend seems right. Many teens do this. She will not think much about his request that she do this. She will not realize all her support and connections outside of her relationship with this boyfriend are gone until it is too late.

The Trap

All of a sudden, “I don’t want to be with any other girl. You’re my girl. I want you to have my baby.” Parents will notice this was not a request to get married, but a request to get your teen pregnant. If your teen has no close friend who can be objective, they may get pregnant in an effort to remain in this relationship where they feel loved, or at least think they do. By having no one else to run to, the boyfriend leaves himself the only viable option. At this point it is very difficult to have others influence the relationship. Even if your teen has doubts, they will not succumb to an “I told you so.” In an effort to save what could be their life. Pregnancy is the trap that will keep your teen there for years to come. Pregnancy is when an abuser will usually first hit your teen. Pregnancy is the time when the violence will really start. One in eight pregnant teens reports being physically assaulted by their partner. Homicide is the second leading cause of death in pregnant women.

The Promise

“I will never hit you again.” This is the promise that her boyfriend will make, but with no real attempt at rehabilitation this promise is empty. Your daughter does not know this. Unless she knew an abuser in her previous life, she does not know this and she will listen to the sincerity, admire the flowers and instill faith in the romanticized future that she wants her family to have. She is unaware that this empty promise unlike the one to be best friends forever or keep a big secret can kill her and possibly her unborn baby.

The conversation you need to have with your teen isn’t “Don’t enter a relationship with someone who hits.” The conversation is one that should include the characteristics of the abuser before he hits. Give her the signs to look for before she is isolated and before she falls in love with him. This way she has a chance.

Fifty to eighty percent of teens report knowing someone involved in a violent relationship. If your teen knows that teen or your teen is that teen, please get help.

National Domestic Violence Hotline 1.800.799.SAFE (7233).