TheTeenDoc.com » teen development

The Peace of Being Yourself

Kemi — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 11:00:28 +0000

How’s school? “Great” How are your grades? “I have a 3.5.” Wow! Last year when I spoke to you your G.P.A. was a 0.08, what the heck happened? “I got to live with my uncle so that I could attend Military School. Wow! Isn’t that what you always wanted to do? Oh my goodness, that is the difference of you doing something you’re passionate about? He nods his head and has a big smile on his face.

One day in your teen’s life they’re going to have an epiphany about who they are as in how they were meant to express themselves to the world. If they’re lucky they will have this epiphany while they can still do something about it and if they’re very lucky they will have this epiphany when they are young. When they are courageous enough to express this epiphany or understanding of themselves it is life changing, but not without the proper support from adults in their lives.

For this teen, someone heard them and said even if I have to live apart from you, I am going to support you because it is clear you want this so badly. As a parent, your job is to help your teen discover and then nurture their inner passion. Until your teen discovers that inner passion, you place opportunities before them to help ignite that epiphany. When a parent is paying very close attention, they may see the evolution before their teen can even verbalize it.

The take home point is that denying your teen expression of themselves creates absolute misery for them in the way of grades, depression, and acting out for example. It behooves any parent to listen to their teen when they come to you with information about whom they think they are or becoming. Listen, because the cost of ignoring them is so high.

Helping Your Teen Raise the Bar

Kemi — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 11:00:23 +0000

Having a good standard for people kept in your teen’s inner circle is important. With the standard, they can quickly decide who should be there and rid of those who should not. More importantly, it offers them an opportunity to understanding their own needs in relationships.

Because socializing is such an important part of your teen becoming an adult, it is important they learn who to hang out with and who they should stay away from. One way to teach them is by asking them to make a list of the five things they like about their current relationship with a best friend. This can start the list off easy.

Now have them name five things they don’t like about their best friend or things they would change that would make that friend perfect. After they’ve done this compare the lists. Ask your teen to evaluate how important the things that would make that friend perfect are to them. For example, if one of the things was makes me feel like I am not a good person. This might be so important that they realize the person is not really a good friend at all. However, if it is they never let me eat junk food well, you might just have a keeper!

Learning how to build a positive and supportive social network begins early. Your teen surrounded by people who want them to do better rather than become jealous when they do better will enable them to succeed. This simple exercise can help your teen become resilient in difficult times and develop a social network not to mention skill that will last and be helpful for a lifetime.

Everyone’s a Critic

Kemi — Fri, 21 May 2010 11:00:17 +0000

“Hey are you going to that movie this weekend?” “No, I heard it sucked.” “Who said it sucked? Come on, let’s check it out. That actor is so good and he always picks great projects.” “Maybe next time, a reviewer this morning said, ‘Walk don’t run.’ I’m not seeing it.” Would you see the movie based on one bad review?

Are you influenced by other people’s opinion so much that you limit your experiences? When adults do this it makes sense because they’re old dogs, but when your teen does this it can greatly limit who they become by closing them off to new experiences that might be the key to unlock their passion. Consider if Elvis had not listened to R & B music or Bruce Springsteen had never heard electric [Bob] Dylan. Dr. Martin Luther King, jr. had his initial critics too; people were opposed to his type of preaching. It was his persistence that won them over. Seems impossible now given he has a holiday. Critics are everywhere and they can help guide you, but they shouldn’t be the last word.

They shouldn’t be the last word when it comes to music, religion or your teen’s future. When someone makes a comment about their ability or shortens the reach of a hopeful teen, you have to remind your teen and sometimes yourself that critics are everywhere. They could be right, but it doesn’t mean that your teen has to limit their experiences or aspirations. They were wrong about the ability of so many people. The short list includes Albert Einstein, Michael Jordan and President Barack Obama. I’m sure there is a local shero you can think of. Maybe it’s you. You have to consider, what if something your teen does or sees inspires them to change the world in a way that adds them to this list? They’ll never know if they don’t take it all in with a sense of wonderment.

So if the movie looks interesting to your teen maybe that’s because there’s something that is drawing them in, something that appeals uniquely to them. Have them take a chance. You never know, it could inspire your teen to be the next Steven Spielberg. Who knows?

When is a Favor not Really a Favor?

Kemi — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 11:30:29 +0000

Your teen fails to complete an assignment on time, they are captain of the football team and they’re fairly sure the teacher will give them an extension. Not only do they get that extension, but the coach and teacher negotiate a pass for just handing in a bibliography. Cool Favor?

Well, it turns out that this is the kind of thing teachers, parents and the community to a certain degree do with their prized students. They let them off and in so doing the let them off learning the lesson of being held accountable. Being held accountable is what will develop your teen’s sense of integrity. That thing they do even when no one is looking. In an interview with Good Morning America’s Diane Sawyer, Rihanna said about Chris Brown, “He hit me like he knew he could get away with it, like he was an exception to the law. He was bigger than the law.” Do you really want to be responsible for creating that type of ego?

No one is saying that falsely passing a teen that is star of the football team leads to them raping a cheerleader, but as adults in a position of authority we certainly teach our teens that there is a slippery slope if you find the right dots to connect. If we as parents, teachers and the community do not hold our teens accountable for the minor infractions, how do we expect them to understand the big ones when they have not been raised to believe there is any accountability? Your teen learns they can possibly get away with anything because I’m so and so and I’m important.

A healthy sense of self-esteem and confidence in your teen is great, but they aren’t any more or less deserving that anyone around them. To make them believe that they deserve to be special in a way that lets them off the hook, is no favor really. You are doing this teen a disservice rather than a favor.

Is Your Teen Ready To Take Over?

Kemi — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 11:30:01 +0000

Companies like Forbes and Wendy’s for example were taken over by the children of the original entrepreneurs. Before this happened, there was probably an ongoing discussion with the CEO candidate about the expectations and the direction the current CEO and board wanted the company to go in. The same concept applies to you (the board), and your teen (the new CEO). Do you think your teen is ready for the take over?

Companies like the above mentioned plan way in advance the candidates that will prove the best asset to the company. They are looking for young, energetic, possibly conservative (depending on the company) people, but definitely someone who will be able to produce results. The bottom line comes to the dollars and cents of it. Can the person make the company successful? Can your teen make the company successful? Does your teen have what it takes in terms of smarts, work ethic and drive? Have they had enough field experience to make good decisions in challenging situations that would put the company ahead of its competitors?

As parents, you can forget that you are raising someone to take over the company rather than be indefinitely supported by it. If you don’t begin to psychologically prepare yourself for their desired autonomy when they are very young, it will be difficult for you to accept it when you have the shadow of an adult standing before you. Remember, every CEO was once a teen and somewhere someone gave young and inexperienced people like Steve Jobs, the CEO of Apple a chance, and look what he did with it? Ask yourself if you would be more open to giving your teen these responsibilities if you knew Jim Skinner the CEO of McDonald’s or Phillip Night the CEO of Nike was hiring them instead of you? Would you think they should have the field experience then?

Your teen is preparing to become CEO of the most important business they will ever own, themselves. Help them maximize the profits and strengthen the company from the inside out with the experience they gain under your guidance. Help them understand that you are hopefully giving them the company at maximum stock holdings and price; and that although you will always own a share in the company that you no longer have enough shares to make major decisions, you serve only as consultant. They, are officially in charge.

Does Your Teen Believe?

Kemi — Fri, 25 Dec 2009 11:30:41 +0000

Do you believe in Santa Clause? Okay so maybe your teen doesn’t believe in Santa Clause any more, but does your teen believe in all they could be? Just like the faith required to believe in a Santa Clause or spirit of something like Christmas, there is a faith that your teen needs to in order to believe in their ability to mature into something more than they are now. Something that evolves from who they are now.

Santa Clause

When you look at celebrity yearbook pictures there is a resemblance sure, but they too were subject to the distinct look of adolescence that causes doubt and insecurity at what is often referred to as an “awkward stage.” It is the rare teen who survives without at least one moment of self-consciousness, anxiety over how other’s perceive them, doubt and insecurity. Less common is the belief that despite these feelings that everything will work out. They will achieve it if they can imagine it. They say that when Michael Bublee was a toddler he belted out a holiday song that knocked the sox off his family. He went to bed every night knowing he was going to be “Michael Bublee.” He said, “I just knew.”

Belief. In order to have this, your teen needs faith, described as taking a step when you are unsure of where the next rung is, but taking it anyway. Your teen needs your belief in them to take this leap. They trust you and when you say it is so, they are more likely to believe. Without this type of commitment to their own future, they can’t expect others to believe in what they are capable of.

So, does your teen believe? Do they believe in the power of them? Those who have walked the red carpet, climbed or flown to the depths of the earth or discovered some of the great mysteries of the world did not know, but they had faith and they believed. Help your teen do the same.