TheTeenDoc.com » teen independence

Teen Jekyll and Hyde

teendoc — Fri, 01 Oct 2010 11:00:51 +0000

You’re getting ready to head out and you ask your teen to get a move on. You hear this growl come from their room, but eventually they make it to the car. Once you get to the picnic, you can’t help but notice how charming your teen is. You’re blown away as person after person walks up to you and complements you on how polite and sweet your teen is. You’re thinking My teen? The one that just chewed me out for asking them to get a move on?

Before you start thinking you have given birth to Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, there’s something you should understand about what happens for your teen when you’re out in public or better said, they’re out of your view. They’re treated like an adult, or more adult than baby. If your teen could burn the memory you have of them being a toddler, they probably would because it is that memory that keeps you from letting them be independent. You remind, nag, remind again then yell that you have reminded so much. What your teen is actually waiting for is to be allowed to fall on their face. Everyone they meet on the street is nice enough, but not so nice they would clean up their mistakes how much more try and prevent them; they treat your teen like someone who is responsible for their own actions. This gives your teen a sense of ownership and responsibility and guess what? They love it!

They smile, they act grown up and they do the other things you would expect someone to do you met at a function, they’re polite, charming and smile a lot. If everyone they walked up to treated them like a kid, they would be grumpy in five minutes and want to leave the function. Does this sound familiar? Thanksgiving. Family gatherings with older extended family perhaps?

Who your teen actually is, is that person out at the function. Next time you have to be somewhere, let them know earlier that day or even the day before, “I wanted to give a gentle reminder about the BBQ tomorrow at 2.30P. We need to leave the house at 2P. So you should be near the door about then. I will not mention this again because I know you are becoming more responsible and you can pace yourself to be at the door on time.” You want to try this with something they really want to do. That’s it. See what happens and resist the urge to remind them. They know you’ll be chomping at the bit to say something.

Teens want to be held to realistic high expectations. It gives them pride and a sense of mastery when they meet them. You will not see the best in your teen until you begin to do this and until you do this you will think your teen is faking when you’re out with them rather than the truth; they’re faking when they’re with you.

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Your Teen’s Integrity

teendoc — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 11:00:42 +0000

Your teen’s adherence to a strict moral code when no one is watching is their integrity. It’s best when they can do this when no one is watching. It’s best when they can do this when you are not watching. That is when it is integrity. When they can only do this when you are watching it is called nagging.

The goal of parenting is to make your teen independent. This isn’t only important with things like laundry, cooking and finances. It’s also about the ability to make moral decisions without your presence, your physical presence that is.

Your teen always carries you with them even when you think they don’t. You’re the angel or devil on their shoulders. They debate your thoughts with that of their own all the time. When they truly agree with you then they choose the way you do. This is usually when you have instilled in them the reason for your decisions and taught them why those are your decisions. When you teach them the decisions have the potential to become theirs. When they choose the way you do because you demand or check and double check well, you never really learn if the decision can be theirs. You just know they are making the decision you want them to make.

Let them have the pride of making a good decision because of your teaching rather than your nagging. It does their self-esteem good, and it does your confidence in your teen wonders.

Alone vs. Lonely

teendoc — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 11:30:08 +0000

As a teen, there’s a lot of emphasis on connecting to other teens, hangin’ out with friends, connecting with friends in social networking, talkin’ on the phone, etc. However, there is something about being able to enjoy one’s own company. It is its own paradise and the enjoyment can empower your teen to understand the difference between being lonely and being alone.

It may seem like your teen can do this because they go to their room and it would appear as if they are in the room alone, but the computer and a cell phone can make it as crowded as a Prince concert in there. Being by yourself is very scary to some people, that is when it is lonely. They are looking for the next party, the next person to talk to, the next chat to engage in. They simply need to be able to answer the question about what they did to be an answer that includes other people. This means, NOT alone since that is lonely.

What could possibly be so scary in that head of theirs that makes them have to fill it with any garbage rather than sit with it, those thoughts. Those doubts. Those hopes. It is by sitting with these thoughts that they can question and hopefully discover what they want to do with their lives, what they really like about the guy in 5^th period, whether the soliloquy by Hamlet really moved them as much as their 3^rd period English teacher. It is with that solitude, that alone, that your teen can discover their desires, their passion, their likes and dislikes. This is where they develop the confidence to say, “No.” They develop the confidence to be true to the selves they now know. The alone time is precious as any parent knows. Once you are a parent, these times are rare, and yet these are the times that allow you to recharge, rejuvenate and renew.

Let your teen understand the difference between the option to sit alone rather than the powerlessness of lonely that others control. When you can sit by yourself and enjoy your own company, you don’t have to rely on the invitation of others to enjoy your evening, or your life. Your teen will be with themselves a long time, how on earth are others expected to enjoy their company if they cannot enjoy their own company?

Is There Anybody Out There?

teendoc — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 11:30:04 +0000

There is a moment that your teen will need you as if they were still a child, and you will not be there for them. For whatever reason, at that moment, your absence will mark for your teen the realization that they are alone in this world. This can be a very lonely and scary feeling if they fail to realize that you are still there, but in a different capacity.

This realization is scary and can overwhelm some teens to the point of depression and suicidal behavior. If they realize this is part of their journey to adulthood, they can use these feelings as an opportunity to separate from you and develop the confidence to make good choices. These are the teens who feel ready to march into adulthood.

If your teen steps too far from the shade of your guidance and is not ready, they will feel alone; but if they can step from your shade, make a few great decisions and look to see you standing there with pride and awe; their confidence about being on their own increases and they begin to look forward to becoming an adult. This is only done well with your guidance and willingness to let them go.

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