TheTeenDoc.com » tween relationships

A Twist On Betrayal

teendoc — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 11:00:46 +0000

Your teen is all pissy because someone they thought was a friend betrayed them, someone they thought was a lover, cheated or someone they thought they could confide in let them down. You listen to the transgression and then you tell them…

You tell them they should say, “Thank you.”Now, they’re really pissed. “What do you mean say, ‘Thank you?’ That was so wrong what they did!” You agree and add isn’t it better they did that early in your relationship rather than twenty days, twenty weeks or worse twenty years down the road. Look at all the time they saved you. They told you in less than twenty days that they weren’t worth your time. Some people have to wait twenty years to get priceless information like that. You should count your blessings.

Now, there’s nothing but silence from your teen as they try and let that thought sink in. They didn’t think about it that way. They don’t completely understand it either because until you have spent the twenty years you might not fully appreciate the twenty days, but say it anyway. They need to learn this concept and earlier is better than later.

Really? THAT’S Your Soul Mate?

Really? THAT’S Your Soul Mate?

teendoc — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 11:00:28 +0000

If you have a teen that’s leaving for college, you may have noticed in addition to the many other decisions they have to make they are making one about keeping or not keeping their high school significant other.

What did you suggest? How did you suggest it? What were your reasons for doing so? The truth is that because the brain has so much growing to do still (they won’t be done until age 26 years), there is almost no way the person who moved them at sixteen will seriously move them at twenty-six or even thirty-six. This means they’re likely to mature from looking for someone attractive because of their looks and transition into looking for someone attractive who would also be a good partner and parent. This is a big leap and not many “mature” people have done it well. If your teen hasn’t had the opportunity to really learn about the importance of these skills sticking with their high school romance might not seem like such a bad deal to them.

It’s just that the brain goes through so many changes from zero to twenty-six and that’s just the organic stuff, the maturity of experience and actually living life make your teen so much smarter over time. In fact, it can make them so smart that in retrospect sticking with a decision they made when they were sixteen might not be the best idea. Speak to your teen like the grown up they want to be and let them know you understand the choice is theirs, but that even Brad and Jen woke up after four and a half years and decided they didn’t want to be together anymore.

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It’s Complicated

teendoc — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 11:30:33 +0000

“It’s complicated” This is your teen’s response after you check in to ask how their recent relationship is going. “Hmph!” You think to yourself, “complicated?” What does that mean? So your teen goes through this meandering road of a story to explain that they sort of are, but sort of aren’t still dating. You think to yourself, “that relationship is over.”
Knowing when to let go of a relationship can be hard especially when you don’t really want the relationship to be over. However, learning how to be clear about the end of a relationship is a great way your teen can begin to understand their worth and the importance of teaching people how they should treat them.
When your teen is having a tough time letting go of a relationship that has been giving clear signs that it is over, they may use language like “it’s complicated” to explain that they still have feelings about someone that wants to break up with them. Use your compassion for their situation to show them how they actually set themselves up for being mistreated when they do this, when they can’t let go. They communicate to this person that they have no value in the relationship and give all their power away.
This is such an important lesson to teach your teen early in their life. Understanding this lesson can be the difference in how your teen appreciates their value in future relationship. It can be the difference in how your teen maintains their self-esteem to make better decisions about when to become sexually active in a relationship; and it can be the difference in your teen’s decision on how far to take any intimacy not in an effort to keep a relationship, but because they know it feels right to express themselves that way.
When it comes to relationships, things can seem complicated, but if your teen thinks about it the right way, it’s just about whether you really want to be with someone or not, or they really want to be with you. You can’t make them love you, but you can always demonstrate behavior that shows you love yourself. This, is never complicated.

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Have Your Tween Make “The Partner Wish List”

teendoc — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 12:00:41 +0000

At some point your teen is going to date. Maybe they’ll live at home maybe they won’t. But sooner or later, your teen will be interested in someone, date, maybe get married, etc. You know how it goes, but do you remember how it starts?

It starts in your head. When you were a toddler, you looked at your parents and watched how they treated each other and you started forming your idea of what a relationship and partner should be like. You subconsciously made a list and in one column you put things you liked and in another you put the things you didn’t like. Where there was no example, you pick up something from a friend’s family, book or movie. You took this information and created your idea of what you wanted in a partner and relationship.

Ask your tween to put that list on paper.

Once the list is on paper, discuss it. They need your guidance to make good decisions about relationships and partners. Start early and get some insight into what is in your teen’s head rather than assuming you know what they are fantasizing about. For example,

Must have: Cannot have:

Has to be cute Bad taste in music

Has to be nice Bad breath

Remember, this is a list by a tween. Take the first Must have, has to be cute. Discuss what your tween means by this. How much does this matter to your tween? For example if the person was really cute, but treated them cruelly is that okay since they’re really cute? If you’re really feeling daring, you can ask your teen what they have learned from you, their parent’s relationship.

This is a great opportunity to discuss the topic of relationships and dating with your tween before they get into one. Let them begin the thinking process and problem solving skills before they’re in a relationship. This might give you more confidence about their choices and relax you just a smidgen. Okay, maybe not.