“It’s complicated” This is your teen’s response after you check in to ask how their recent relationship is going. “Hmph!” You think to yourself, “complicated?” What does that mean? So your teen goes through this meandering road of a story to explain that they sort of are, but sort of aren’t still dating. You think to yourself, “that relationship is over.”
Knowing when to let go of a relationship can be hard especially when you don’t really want the relationship to be over. However, learning how to be clear about the end of a relationship is a great way your teen can begin to understand their worth and the importance of teaching people how they should treat them.
When your teen is having a tough time letting go of a relationship that has been giving clear signs that it is over, they may use language like “it’s complicated” to explain that they still have feelings about someone that wants to break up with them. Use your compassion for their situation to show them how they actually set themselves up for being mistreated when they do this, when they can’t let go. They communicate to this person that they have no value in the relationship and give all their power away.
This is such an important lesson to teach your teen early in their life. Understanding this lesson can be the difference in how your teen appreciates their value in future relationship. It can be the difference in how your teen maintains their self-esteem to make better decisions about when to become sexually active in a relationship; and it can be the difference in your teen’s decision on how far to take any intimacy not in an effort to keep a relationship, but because they know it feels right to express themselves that way.
When it comes to relationships, things can seem complicated, but if your teen thinks about it the right way, it’s just about whether you really want to be with someone or not, or they really want to be with you. You can’t make them love you, but you can always demonstrate behavior that shows you love yourself. This, is never complicated.

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3. Your Teen’s First Real Love

At some point your teen is going to date.  Maybe they’ll live at home maybe they won’t.  But sooner or later, your teen will be interested in someone, date, maybe get married, etc. You know how it goes, but do you remember how it starts?

It starts in your head. When you were a toddler, you looked at your parents and watched how they treated each other and you started forming your idea of what a relationship and partner should be like.  You subconsciously made a list and in one column you put things you liked and in another you put the things you didn’t like.  Where there was no example, you pick up something from a friend’s family, book or movie.  You took this information and created your idea of what you wanted in a partner and relationship.

Ask your tween to put that list on paper. 

Once the list is on paper, discuss it.  They need your guidance to make good decisions about relationships and partners.  Start early and get some insight into what is in your teen’s head rather than assuming you know what they are fantasizing about. For example,

Must have:                                                                                     Cannot have:

  Has to be cute                                                                           Bad taste in music

  Has to be nice                                                                            Bad breath

Remember, this is a list by a tween.  Take the first Must have, has to be cute.  Discuss what your tween means by this.  How much does this matter to your tween? For example if the person was really cute, but treated them cruelly is that okay since they’re really cute? If you’re really feeling daring, you can ask your teen what they have learned from you, their parent’s relationship.

This is a great opportunity to discuss the topic of relationships and dating with your tween before they get into one. Let them begin the thinking process and problem solving skills before they’re in a relationship.  This might give you more confidence about their choices and relax you just a smidgen.  Okay, maybe not.

Related posts:

1. Do You Gossip About Your Tween?
2. The “First Time” Break-up
3. 3 Reasons to let your Teen Date under your Supervision