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mental health therapist

Finding the Right Therapist in San Mateo, CA: Your Guide to Getting the Help You Need

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Identify your needs and goals

The first step in finding the right therapist or counselor in San Mateo or any other place is to identify your needs and goals. Take some time to reflect on why you are seeking therapy and what you hope to gain from your therapy sessions. Are you struggling with anxiety or depression? Are you dealing with a major life transition or a traumatic event? Do you want to improve your relationships or build self-confidence? By being clear about your needs and goals, you can narrow down your search and find a therapist who specializes in the areas you need support in.

Consider the type of Counselor and approach

There are many different types of counselors and approaches to therapy. Some therapists may specialize in cognitive-behavioral therapy, which focuses on changing negative thought patterns and behaviors. Other Counselors may specialize in psychodynamic therapy, which focuses on exploring past experiences and unconscious emotions. Still, other counselors may use humanistic therapy, which emphasizes the importance of self-exploration and personal growth.  There are others that may focus on a certain age group like adolescent or teen therapy.  Research these different types and consider which might be the best fit for you and your needs.

Research potential therapist

Once you have a general idea of the different types of therapist and approaches you are looking for, start researching potential therapist in San Mateo. You can do this by asking for recommendations from friends or family, searching online directories, or contacting your insurance provider for a list of covered providers. Look for therapist who have experience working with the issues you are facing and who use the approach that resonates with you.

Check the credentials and experience of potential Counselors

It’s important to ensure that any potential counselors you are considering is properly licensed and trained. Check their credentials and experience to make sure they have the qualifications and expertise to provide the support you need. You can typically find this information on their website or by contacting their office. Look for counselor who have advanced degrees in counseling or psychology, and who have experience working with clients in a variety of settings.

Schedule a consultation session

Many therapist and counselors offer a free consultation session, either in person, over the phone or virtually. This will help you get to know them and determine if he or she is a good fit for you. Use this opportunity to ask questions and get a sense of their approach and style. Ask about their experience working with clients who have similar needs and goals as you, and how they typically structure their therapy sessions. This can help you determine if they are a good fit and if you feel comfortable working with them.

List of the top 15 questions to ask your potential counselor or therapist

When looking for a potential therapist, it’s important to ask questions that can help you determine if they are the right fit for your needs. Here are the 15 most important questions you should ask:

  1. What is your experience and expertise in treating [specific issue you’re seeking help for]?
  2. What is your approach to therapy? Are you more inclined towards cognitive-behavioral therapy, psychodynamic therapy, or another approach?
  3. What are your credentials and qualifications? Are you licensed and accredited?
  4. How do you handle confidentiality and privacy?
  5. What is your availability? Do you have flexible scheduling options?
  6. How long is a typical therapy session, and how frequently would we meet?
  7. How do you establish goals and measure progress in therapy?
  8. What is your policy on medication? Do you prescribe medication or work in conjunction with psychiatrists?
  9. Can you provide me with an overview of the estimated duration of therapy for my specific concerns?
  10. How do you handle emergencies or crises outside of regular sessions?
  11. What is your cancellation policy?
  12. What is your fee structure? Do you accept insurance, and if not, do you offer a sliding scale or payment plans?
  13. Can you provide references or testimonials from past clients?
  14. How do you approach cultural or diversity issues in therapy?
  15. Can you explain the boundaries and limitations of the therapeutic relationship?

Remember, finding the right therapist is a personal process, so don’t hesitate to ask any additional questions that may be important to you. It’s crucial to establish a sense of trust and comfort with your therapist, so feel free to discuss any concerns or preferences you may have during the initial conversation.

Conclusion

Finding the right therapist can be a challenging task, but it is an important step towards taking care of your mental health and achieving your personal growth goals. By reflecting on your needs and goals, considering the type of therapist and approach that best suits you, researching potential therapist, checking their credentials and experience, and scheduling a consultation session, you can find the right therapist for you. Remember to prioritize your comfort level and the therapist’s experience in dealing with issues similar to yours. Taking these steps can help ensure that you find a therapist who can provide the support you need to achieve your mental health and personal growth goals. If you have questions or are in need of counseling services in and around San Mateo, California please contact me directly at dro@theteendoc.com or 650-762-9069.

infidelity

Infidelity: A Red Flag for Emotional Immaturity not Just Betrayal

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Marriage is a contract of promises that people make to each other. We have romanticized these promises to be about love and happily ever after, but this is only because we do not consider the two people coming together. A contract is only as good as the paper it is written on and rarely are we aware enough to discuss the expectations we have that are not written down when we are dating someone. Because no one has taught us the importance of knowing ourselves, we do not know we are the kind of person who can hurt someone else through acts that renege on promises to our partner. 

One of the promises that can make it hard to continue a relationship is infidelity or adultery. The betrayal of emotionally or sexually going outside the relationship to get needs met can feel devastating to the spouse that has been cheated on or betrayed. The spouse that is cheated on feels like they are not good enough because they were not able to keep the emotional or sexual attention of their partner. There can be feelings of unlovability or worthlessness as the betrayed partner scans their mind for what happened to make them less desirable. This sadness about who they think they are, e.g. old, boring, overweight, etc can make them feel like they are in a position of weakness. That they are less than the person their partner turned toward for emotional or physical comfort. This feeling of weakness is what makes the betrayed partner eventually less sad and more angry in order to end the feeling of powerlessness associated with sadness associated with the betrayal. 

The betrayed partner can blame themselves for not listening to any hunches or feelings they had. They can wonder about the times that things did not line up and they felt odd and chose to trust someone they thought would not and should not lie to them. The betrayed partner can review moments and see where they gave up their power by not trusting themselves because they were too afraid it would mean that a break up would leave them alone never to be loved again. This is where the anger comes in that can be directed towards a partner, but is really about protecting the betrayed spouse from at least two complicated emotions. The first is protection from admitting they trusted someone who did not deserve that trust and the second is being too afraid to trust themselves leaving themselves to be taken advantage of. Trust is what makes us feel safe with someone, but it is not about trusting someone else, but trusting ourselves and listening when we pick up that the other person is not trustworthy.

Trusting someone means that we know they will show up consistently and reliably in our lives when we need them. This does not mean they should be everything that we need emotionally or physically. It also does not mean that we cannot provide emotional or physical needs we may have for ourselves. Having someone we can depend on, does not mean we should stop depending on ourselves. This is where our own thoughts, values and beliefs become important to being an individual in the team of marriage. 

By knowing ourselves well, we become a source of emotional strength for another person by stating our disagreements which helps them see the views of others. This can create an opportunity for being open minded and makes room for empathy, compassion and connection to others that are not like us. It is this ability to know ourselves that can reveal the disparate values that someone has whether it is a parent, spouse, or friend. We lose our ability to do this when we are not able to know who we are in a relationship that we have with anyone. This is what the anger means that develops after betrayal. 

Our anger understands that we give up our opportunity to learn the weaknesses of someone with whom we are in a relationship when we become loyal to their point of view, values and beliefs and let go of our own. Anger acts like a protector of vulnerable emotions, and  allows the betrayed person to set a boundary that was not set earlier so that they are not hurt again. Anger protects us from our own shame about not listening to our gut and doing something earlier. This complicated use of anger dismisses its power when we simply call someone bitter for being betrayed or someone bad for doing the betrayal. However, without looking at the anatomy of the process of anger, the betrayed spouse as well as the spouse who betrayed cannot learn what this broken promise of trust is there to teach each person whether they remain together or not. 

I have had couples hear this as if they should break up, or I think they should break up, but what becomes more important than that is being able to emotionally break up so that each partner claims their emotional burdens that lead to the betrayal happening. For one partner it is the need for emotional and/or physical needs they were not aware of and for another partner it is the emotional and physical needs they had but either never expressed or never had met and felt they were powerless to do anything about it. We see our needs as a burden we place on others when we do not see ourselves as worthy of having those needs met. This is something that starts to happen long before there is an actual event of betrayal and even long before the marriage. This makes marital betrayal about our own emotional needs and not about the worthiness of another partner. This is an important part of the healing that needs to occur afterwards. This way future relationships do not suffer because of past incidents. 

We cannot heal when we do not feel empowered to know our emotional and physical needs matter. We cannot know this when experiences of our lives tell us we are not worthy of asking for our needs to be met or being with people who feel our needs are as important as theirs and not more or less important. This is something that spouses do not realize when they come together to form a partnership. They have focused on the romanticized love of making the person feeling less alone or empty instead of how that feeling of loneliness and emptiness can make it impossible for anyone to meet that need when they cannot meet it for themselves. This, you can pick up in the first month of dating.

It is only by evaluating this process of understanding philandering that the betrayed partner can start to see that adultery is about not knowing the real emotional needs that lie within us and deserve to be met, which is what would let the betrayed spouse know that infidelity is not an issue about their being good enough or lovable enough, but marrying someone who did not know they were good enough or lovable enough either. 

The person who betrays is not more powerful, but feeling equally insecure and the betrayal relationship no matter how minimal or severe the activity with the nonspouse is always about the other person and not the betrayed spouse. Therefore, it is important to view infidelity as an opportunity to learn about how your own insecurities have eroded your ability to trust yourself so it became more apparent that you were in a relationship with someone who was not emotionally aware enough to articulate what they needed so they would not have to attempt seeking resolution of these feelings outside the relationship in a negative way. 

Infidelity is never about the person cheated on and always about the person who cheats, but the ripple effect is intense unlovability and worthlessness in the person who was betrayed. This event is about the universe asking you to do emotional work and not about whether you should stay or go.

Dr. O “TheTeenDoc” is Physican coach, blogger, consultant on teen medicine and physician issues at TheTeenDoc located in San Mateo California. Her specialties include consulting, coaching, counseling, mental health, research, seminars, spanish, public speaker, teaching, communications between teens and adults. She can be reached at dro@theteendoc.com or by calling 650-762-9069.