Infidelity: A Red Flag for Emotional Immaturity not Just Betrayal

Marriage is a contract of promises that people make to each other. We have romanticized these promises to be about love and happily ever after, but this is only because we do not consider the two people coming together. A contract is only as good as the paper it is written on and rarely are we aware enough to discuss the expectations we have that are not written down when we are dating someone. Because no one has taught us the importance of knowing ourselves, we do not know we are the kind of person who can hurt someone else through acts that renege on promises to our partner. 

One of the promises that can make it hard to continue a relationship is infidelity or adultery. The betrayal of emotionally or sexually going outside the relationship to get needs met can feel devastating to the spouse that has been cheated on or betrayed. The spouse that is cheated on feels like they are not good enough because they were not able to keep the emotional or sexual attention of their partner. There can be feelings of unlovability or worthlessness as the betrayed partner scans their mind for what happened to make them less desirable. This sadness about who they think they are, e.g. old, boring, overweight, etc can make them feel like they are in a position of weakness. That they are less than the person their partner turned toward for emotional or physical comfort. This feeling of weakness is what makes the betrayed partner eventually less sad and more angry in order to end the feeling of powerlessness associated with sadness associated with the betrayal. 

The betrayed partner can blame themselves for not listening to any hunches or feelings they had. They can wonder about the times that things did not line up and they felt odd and chose to trust someone they thought would not and should not lie to them. The betrayed partner can review moments and see where they gave up their power by not trusting themselves because they were too afraid it would mean that a break up would leave them alone never to be loved again. This is where the anger comes in that can be directed towards a partner, but is really about protecting the betrayed spouse from at least two complicated emotions. The first is protection from admitting they trusted someone who did not deserve that trust and the second is being too afraid to trust themselves leaving themselves to be taken advantage of. Trust is what makes us feel safe with someone, but it is not about trusting someone else, but trusting ourselves and listening when we pick up that the other person is not trustworthy.

Trusting someone means that we know they will show up consistently and reliably in our lives when we need them. This does not mean they should be everything that we need emotionally or physically. It also does not mean that we cannot provide emotional or physical needs we may have for ourselves. Having someone we can depend on, does not mean we should stop depending on ourselves. This is where our own thoughts, values and beliefs become important to being an individual in the team of marriage. 

By knowing ourselves well, we become a source of emotional strength for another person by stating our disagreements which helps them see the views of others. This can create an opportunity for being open minded and makes room for empathy, compassion and connection to others that are not like us. It is this ability to know ourselves that can reveal the disparate values that someone has whether it is a parent, spouse, or friend. We lose our ability to do this when we are not able to know who we are in a relationship that we have with anyone. This is what the anger means that develops after betrayal. 

Our anger understands that we give up our opportunity to learn the weaknesses of someone with whom we are in a relationship when we become loyal to their point of view, values and beliefs and let go of our own. Anger acts like a protector of vulnerable emotions, and  allows the betrayed person to set a boundary that was not set earlier so that they are not hurt again. Anger protects us from our own shame about not listening to our gut and doing something earlier. This complicated use of anger dismisses its power when we simply call someone bitter for being betrayed or someone bad for doing the betrayal. However, without looking at the anatomy of the process of anger, the betrayed spouse as well as the spouse who betrayed cannot learn what this broken promise of trust is there to teach each person whether they remain together or not. 

I have had couples hear this as if they should break up, or I think they should break up, but what becomes more important than that is being able to emotionally break up so that each partner claims their emotional burdens that lead to the betrayal happening. For one partner it is the need for emotional and/or physical needs they were not aware of and for another partner it is the emotional and physical needs they had but either never expressed or never had met and felt they were powerless to do anything about it. We see our needs as a burden we place on others when we do not see ourselves as worthy of having those needs met. This is something that starts to happen long before there is an actual event of betrayal and even long before the marriage. This makes marital betrayal about our own emotional needs and not about the worthiness of another partner. This is an important part of the healing that needs to occur afterwards. This way future relationships do not suffer because of past incidents. 

We cannot heal when we do not feel empowered to know our emotional and physical needs matter. We cannot know this when experiences of our lives tell us we are not worthy of asking for our needs to be met or being with people who feel our needs are as important as theirs and not more or less important. This is something that spouses do not realize when they come together to form a partnership. They have focused on the romanticized love of making the person feeling less alone or empty instead of how that feeling of loneliness and emptiness can make it impossible for anyone to meet that need when they cannot meet it for themselves. This, you can pick up in the first month of dating.

It is only by evaluating this process of understanding philandering that the betrayed partner can start to see that adultery is about not knowing the real emotional needs that lie within us and deserve to be met, which is what would let the betrayed spouse know that infidelity is not an issue about their being good enough or lovable enough, but marrying someone who did not know they were good enough or lovable enough either. 

The person who betrays is not more powerful, but feeling equally insecure and the betrayal relationship no matter how minimal or severe the activity with the nonspouse is always about the other person and not the betrayed spouse. Therefore, it is important to view infidelity as an opportunity to learn about how your own insecurities have eroded your ability to trust yourself so it became more apparent that you were in a relationship with someone who was not emotionally aware enough to articulate what they needed so they would not have to attempt seeking resolution of these feelings outside the relationship in a negative way. 

Infidelity is never about the person cheated on and always about the person who cheats, but the ripple effect is intense unlovability and worthlessness in the person who was betrayed. This event is about the universe asking you to do emotional work and not about whether you should stay or go.

Dr. O “TheTeenDoc” is Physican coach, blogger, consultant on teen medicine and physician issues at TheTeenDoc located in San Mateo California. Her specialties include consulting, coaching, counseling, mental health, research, seminars, spanish, public speaker, teaching, communications between teens and adults. She can be reached at dro@theteendoc.com or by calling 650-762-9069.